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Communication Problems

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From the Therapists Perspective

Written by Michael Fronce, LMFT

Jeff and Cindy came to their first marriage counseling session anxious to repair their 15 year relationship. The session started like most, me getting to know them and learning a bit more about their story.

As we explored their marital strengths it was clear they deeply loved each other, but that love was now being questioned by each of them. They explained they had not been able to communicate about anything except logistics.

Cindy swore Jeff did not have the ability to communicate at all. She complained about his avoidance of important issues. While she was voicing her frustration, he rolled his eyes and sighed. He said she was blowing things out of proportion and that he knows how to communicate. He was sick of how often she interrupted and didn’t listen.

Jeff said he felt like he was never going to please his wife so he admitted to withdrawing from conversations. They both wanted me to get the other to communicate better.

Jeff and Cindy had made a good decision to reach out for help. These things fester. Communication problems are one of the most common concerns that bring couples to Well Marriage for marriage counseling.

When we’re able to catch these communication blocks early, we’re often able to help the couple avoid the more toxic and deeper level problems that come years down the road if left unchecked.

The good news is our counselors have the experience and training to be helpful. While there are often underlying issues that play a part in some communication breakdowns (which would be an entirely different blog post), I often find myself starting by helping couples practice the skills of effective communication. It’s helpful to see where they are and what they already know. This is what I did with Jeff and Cindy.

Now the movies and TV comedies give practicing communication skills a bad rap. I get it, no one wants to simply be told to say a lot of “I statements” and repeat back what the other person is saying.

You’re right, that doesn’t fix communication problems. However, I’m often surprised by how a simple intervention or solution can indeed become the impetus for change.

I was looking for just that type of impetus for change when I gave Jeff and Cindy a task early in our communication work. They shared about how one of their rituals is to go to a certain fast food establishment for dinner. So I invited them to dinner. Well, I should say that I invited them to pay attention in a different way next time they went for dinner.

Their task was to observe how the person at the counter took their order. When they came back to the next session, they were excited to talk with me about what they saw.

The server greeted Jeff and Cindy warmly, asked how he could serve them and then listened to their order. He busily punched the order into the system and then did something a little strange.

They noticed that the server repeated back their order to make sure that he had it correct. He then asked if there was anything else that they would like. He then proceeded to check their order again before moving on and telling them the cost.

After the order was confirmed and the payment was made, the server thanked the couple. So simple, yet for them it made an impression.

They appreciated the way that the server listened to them, took the time to get their order right, and did not move on until he was sure that he had heard it correctly and that it was what the couple wanted.

That’s what they each desired from the other. They missed being truly heard and respected. Here’s the important breakthrough part: they both began looking at what they, individually, had been doing to keep them from communicating effectively.

They each began talking about ways they would like to focus on each other, listen to each other, and truly hear each other. That led them into Jeff’s withdrawing (Cindy felt abandoned and got anxious). Cindy would then over pursue Jeff to calm her anxiety (which then had Jeff withdrawing again).

So we explored this cycle and ways to interrupt it. Effective communication helped! They began making such incredible positive progress about the deeper level issues that were affecting their relationship.

The good news – Jeff and Cindy both began to find each other again, connect with each other again, and experience a closeness they hadn’t felt in years, all through working on communication problems in couples therapy.


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Hopeful Spouse Counseling

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Karen called me last week with a familiar refrain: “Glen, we’re sinking…our marriage is falling apart. BUT, my husband doesn’t want to come in for counseling. Can you help us?”

The Truth Is…

Absolutely! We often get calls from the “hopeful spouse.” Sometimes it’s the husband, other times it’s the wife. They are committed to doing whatever it takes to help save their marriage even if their partner is reluctant or unwilling to join in the therapy component.

The hopeful news is that often when one partner starts making changes and really puts a lot of focused effort into helping the marriage, the other spouse becomes motivated to join in the process. It doesn’t always work that way, but regardless, getting the help you need, even if it’s by yourself, can really help improve the quality of your life and potentially the quality of your marriage.

Feel free to contact us to get started on building a better relationship.


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Good Marriage Counselor

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6 months ago Roger and Dianne called me to discuss some difficulties they’ve been experiencing during their 12 year marriage.  At the end of our conversation Roger told me, “Glen, we’ve already been to 2 marriage counselors. This whole process has been more frustrating than it should be. I like your experience and I like what I read about Well Marriage Center, so we’re inclined to give this one more chance, but we’re pretty vulnerable here.  Why is a good marriage counselor so hard to find?”

“Why is a good marriage counselor so hard to find?”

I told Roger I appreciated his candor and I could understand his frustration. And I could. I’m always disappointed to hear when couples can’t find the help they need when they’re open and ready for it.  Unfortunately, Roger and Dianne aren’t alone. We often get calls from couples who have been to one or two counselors before at some point during their relationship. Their frustration is palpable.  So why is a good marriage counselor so hard to find and what can you look for when searching out the good ones?

I’m a big fan of Malcolm Gladwell – brilliant thinker, researcher, and writer.  In his best-selling book Outliers, Gladwell makes the convincing case that to truly become an expert in your field requires a devotion to your craft of at least 10,000 hours. I love this premise…I think those of us working towards and achieving that “expert” label understand at a deep level how much we’ve learned and how much we still have to learn. And it’s not just experience…it’s how often are you practicing this craft and how quickly are you building towards those 10,000 hours.

One of my biggest excitements about starting Well Marriage Center was that we could focus 100% on relationships. We could devote 100% of our energy, effort, research, and training to couples. Imagine how you can help couples with that kind of attention! While most therapists offer marriage counseling on the side, we could offer marriage counseling as what we do exclusively…100% of the time! I think this is something to pay attention to when looking for the best marriage counselors. How do they spend their “hours” each week and are they building to those 10,000?

The happy ending for Roger and Dianne is that we were able to give them the help they needed. Their marriage is doing remarkably well and we’re celebrating their success with them!

Marriage counseling is an art form in which the counselor helps guide the couple through (often) sticky, messy, and intense emotions and dynamics…all while holding the hope for their relationship. It’s an intricate dance and I hope you trust only the best to help you navigate your most primary and intimate relationship. The good news at Well Marriage Center – we’re all either above that 10,000 hour mark or building quickly and exclusively towards it!  We’re all specialist here…

Our Counselors


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On Predicting Divorce

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The Four Horsemen of the Relationship Apocalypse 

With the news always sounding like it’s the end of the world, I thought it would be a fitting time to address the difficult reality of divorce – particularly what indicators in a relationship are most likely to lead to its end.

Are there warning signs you can pay attention to that may prevent the end of your marriage?   

Dr. John Gottman is one of the leading marriage researchers and a top authority in the marriage counseling world. We have the utmost respect for Dr. Gottman and all of our marriage counselors are required to complete Gottman Level 1 and Level 2 trainings…at a minimum. Dr. Gottman reports that he can predict with 96% accuracy within the first few minutes of a couple having a conversation whether the relationship he is watching will survive over the long-haul or not. He bases his prediction on four elements, which he calls the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse. These lethal horseman “clip-clop into the heart of a marriage in the following order: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling.” I’m going to explain these four elements below because they are indeed incredibly toxic to the long-term success of your relationship.

BUT, all hope is not lost if one or more describe you. We work with couples all the time who have one or more of these “horseman” present in their relationship. I’ve seen too many of these couples do the hard work of stopping these horsemen in their tracks, survive, and go on to thrive in their relationship. We think the important distinction is this: the continuation of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is what dooms a marriage, not just their presence.

So, the good news is: tomorrow is not actually the end of the world…and tomorrow doesn’t have to be the end of your marriage! But many couples do wait until these horsemen are firmly entrenched. If any of the four below describe you, contact the relationship specialists at Well Marriage Center immediately. We’re trained and experienced to help your marriage grow and thrive…for the long term!

Dr. John Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalpyse:

1)      Criticism: This is different than having a complaint about our partner or offering a critique, which are normal in a long-term relationship. No, what he’s referring is how we communicate our complaints to our partners. Criticism is “a way of fueling an attack, so you state your complaint as an attack on the other person. It’s not constructive and it ends up escalating the conflict.” It’s when we complain by way of attacking our partner at their very core.

Example:  “You haven’t asked me about how my day and how my big meeting went” is a complaint. A criticism on the other hand is more general and blaming, “You always talk about yourself and never think about me. You’re so selfish.”

2)      Contempt: Dr. Gottman considers this perhaps the best indicator of divorce, because it quickly reveals the “respect” value of a relationship. This element contains a deadly air of superiority in which we are mean, often treating our partner with disrespect by using sarcasm, name-calling, ridicule, eye-rolling, etc. Our partner feels despised and worthless. Dr. Gottman says contempt is absolutely deadly and must be eliminated.

Example:  “You really are a self-centered jerk. You just do whatever you want without regard for anyone else. You’re the sorriest excuse for a wife or husband I can think of.”

3)      Defensiveness:  This is a particularly easy element to allow into our relationships. If we feel accused, our natural inclination is to defend ourselves, to offer an excuse, or to shift blame back to the other person. But the danger in defensiveness is that it communicates we don’t hear our partner’s complaint. By being defensive and deflecting, we are ignoring our partner. Dr. Gottman calls this defensiveness “self-protection in the form of righteous indignation or innocent victim-hood.”

Example:  “It’s not my fault I didn’t call you, I wasn’t near a phone.”

4)      Stonewalling: When a partner gets too tired or is afraid of confronting issues, he or she will just withdraw. Emotionally, physically, mentally. Also known as the silent treatment. During an argument this can translate as stony silence, meaning the partner doesn’t engage or ignores their partner – which often escalates the fight. Stonewalling involves turning away from our partner.

Example: The listener does not give the speaker the usual nonverbal signals that the listener is “tracking” the speaker.

There is Hope Yet

Our trained therapists use the best of relationship science to help you and your partner break out of these toxic cycles. Get started with us today!


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Ninja Marriage Counseling!

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How do you choose a counselor for your relationship?

You want to know a secret? Actually, it’s pretty much an open secret these days: most therapists don’t enjoy couples counseling. (See the recent New York Times article regarding this revelation below). This may not seem like a shock or a big deal, but the truth of the matter is it is significant, especially if you are searching for a couples or marriage counselor to help your relationship.

Most therapists are trained almost exclusively in one-on-one counseling. That’s where the majority of their supervision and experience has been. They’re trained to diagnose mental and emotional distress and begin a treatment plan for that individual. Counselors are your classic ‘good guys’ (and ‘gals’); the empathetic and accepting therapists who are especially concerned about creating a safe space for you. The problem is, the more passive “uh-huh, uh-huh, hmmm,” type of individual counseling just isn’t effective with couples – and certainly not helpful for a relationship.

This is why most counselors dread couples counseling. Relationships can be messy: the stakes are high and there can be volatility, secrets, triangles, and uncertainty. The following New York Times article describes couples counseling as “piloting a helicopter in the midst of a hurricane.” We don’t think it’s that bad, but for many counselors, couples therapy can be frightening because it’s a tremendous challenge to actually be of help when two strong individuals are colliding.

That’s why you need a ninja! :) Terry Real says it best in the following article when he talks about the best couple’s counselors: “You have to like action. To manage marital combat, a therapist needs to get in there, mix it up with the client, be a ninja. This is intimidating (for many counselors).”

The bottom line is: couples counseling is very different from individual counseling. When looking around, make sure the counselor you choose to assist your relationship has the majority of her or his experience with couples. Make sure their approach is an active one, one in which they get in there with you and aren’t intimidated. Make sure they won’t cause your relationship more harm than good. Make sure you find yourself a ninja!

Read here: the New York Times article entitled, “Does Couples Therapy Work?”

(Well Marriage Center offers both a safe space AND ninja counseling for your relationship.  In fact, we specialize in marriage and couples counseling!  Read about Our Approach and feel free to ask questions!)

Marriage Counseling Alexandria VA

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Welcome to Well Marriage Center!  We understand it can be intimidating to consider couples counseling when your relationship runs into difficulty.  Plenty of questions run through people’s minds: “Will this help?” “How long does it last?” “How much money will this cost us?” “What if the counselor doesn’t think we can be helped?”

Click here to begin at our homepage: Well Marriage Center

It takes a lot of courage to ask for help.  Our commitment to you is to provide a safe, “marriage-friendly” approach that supports the probability that you can save and improve your relationship.  We want that for you and we believe you can make it happen!  For over 25 years we’ve sat with couples just like you, couples who have run into minor bumps or significant potholes, couples who wondered if their relationship could even be saved.  The great news is this: countless couples have echoed almost the identical statement, “several months ago I never would have imagined our relationship could be this good again.”

Well Marriage Center specializes in couples and marriage counseling in Northern VA, among other locations. We utilize a combination of therapeutic and wellness (strengths-based) models, we study the latest research, we engage with the leaders in our field, and we work exclusively with relationships or relationship dynamics.  Trust your relationship to a couple’s specialist!

We provide couples / marriage counseling to the Northern VA community, with office locations convenient to Alexandria, VA and the surrounding areas.

Marriage Counseling McLean VA

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Welcome to Well Marriage Center!  We understand it can be intimidating to consider couples counseling when your relationship runs into difficulty.  Plenty of questions run through people’s minds: “Will this help?” “How long does it last?” “How much money will this cost us?” “What if the counselor doesn’t think we can be helped?”

Click here to begin at our homepage: Well Marriage Center

It takes a lot of courage to ask for help.  Our commitment to you is to provide a safe, “marriage-friendly” approach that supports the probability that you can save and improve your relationship.  We want that for you and we believe you can make it happen!  For over 25 years we’ve sat with couples just like you, couples who have run into minor bumps or significant potholes, couples who wondered if their relationship could even be saved.  The great news is this: countless couples have echoed almost the identical statement, “several months ago I never would have imagined our relationship could be this good again.”

Well Marriage Center specializes in couples and marriage counseling in Northern VA, among other locations. We utilize a combination of therapeutic and wellness (strengths-based) models, we study the latest research, we engage with the leaders in our field, and we work exclusively with relationships or relationship dynamics.  Trust your relationship to a couple’s specialist!

We provide couples / marriage counseling to the Northern VA community, with office locations convenient to McLean, VA and the surrounding areas.

Marriage Counseling in Northern VA

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Welcome to Well Marriage Center!  We understand it can be intimidating to consider couples counseling when your relationship runs into difficulty.  Plenty of questions run through people’s minds: “Will this help?” “How long does it last?” “How much money will this cost us?” “What if the counselor doesn’t think we can be helped?”

Click here to begin at our homepage: Well Marriage Center

It takes a lot of courage to ask for help.  Our commitment to you is to provide a safe, “marriage-friendly” approach that supports the probability that you can save and improve your relationship.  We want that for you and we believe you can make it happen!  For over 25 years we’ve sat with couples just like you, couples who have run into minor bumps or significant potholes, couples who wondered if their relationship could even be saved.  The great news is this: countless couples have echoed almost the identical statement, “several months ago I never would have imagined our relationship could be this good again.”

Well Marriage Center specializes in couples and marriage counseling in Northern VA, among other locations. We utilize a combination of therapeutic and wellness (strengths-based) models, we study the latest research, we engage with the leaders in our field, and we work exclusively with relationships or relationship dynamics.  Trust your relationship to a couple’s specialist!

We provide couples / marriage counseling Northern VA

Marriage Counseling in Leesburg, VA

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Welcome to Well Marriage Center! We understand it can be intimidating to consider couples counseling when your relationship runs into difficulty.  Plenty of questions run through people’s minds: “Will this help?” “How long does it last?” “How much money will this cost us?” “What if the counselor doesn’t think we can be helped?”

Click here to begin at our homepage: Well Marriage Center

It takes a lot of courage to ask for help.  Our commitment to you is to provide a safe, “marriage-friendly” approach that supports the probability that you can save and improve your relationship.  We want that for you and we believe you can make it happen!  For over 25 years we’ve sat with couples just like you, couples who have run into minor bumps or significant potholes, couples who wondered if their relationship could even be saved.  The great news is this: countless couples have echoed almost the identical statement, “several months ago I never would have imagined our relationship could be this good again.”

Well Marriage Center specializes in couples and marriage counseling in Northern VA, among other locations. We utilize a combination of therapeutic and wellness (strengths-based) models, we study the latest research, we engage with the leaders in our field, and we work exclusively with relationships or relationship dynamics.  Trust your relationship to a couple’s specialist!

We provide couples / marriage counseling to the Northern VA community, with office locations in Fairfax Virginia (VA), McLean Virginia (VA) & Leesburg Virginia (VA)

Marriage Counseling in Fairfax, VA

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Welcome to Well Marriage Center!  We understand it can be intimidating to consider couples counseling when your relationship runs into difficulty.  Plenty of questions run through people’s minds: “Will this help?” “How long does it last?” “How much money will this cost us?” “What if the counselor doesn’t think we can be helped?”

Click here to begin at our homepage: Well Marriage Center

It takes a lot of courage to ask for help.  Our commitment to you is to provide a safe, “marriage-friendly” approach that supports the probability that you can save and improve your relationship.  We want that for you and we believe you can make it happen!  For over 25 years we’ve sat with couples just like you, couples who have run into minor bumps or significant potholes, couples who wondered if their relationship could even be saved.  The great news is this: countless couples have echoed almost the identical statement, “several months ago I never would have imagined our relationship could be this good again.”

Well Marriage Center specializes in couples and marriage counseling in Northern VA, among other locations. We utilize a combination of therapeutic and wellness (strengths-based) models, we study the latest research, we engage with the leaders in our field, and we work exclusively with relationships or relationship dynamics.  Trust your relationship to a couple’s specialist!

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We provide couples / marriage counseling to the Northern VA community, with offices in Fairfax Virginia (VA) & Leesburg Virginia (VA).