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You CAN Save Your Marriage

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My granddaughter, age 3, encountered a see-saw (teeter-totter) for the first time last weekend. She literally giggled out loud with how easily she could move up and down with her 2 year old brother (who was being carefully supported by their mother) on the other end. It was all fun and games…until grandpa sat down on the other end.

Of course I balanced my weight at first so we could each go up and down. But after a little bit, this grandpa got tired and needed a quick break. I sat. I was heavy. Seeing my granddaughter confused, stuck high on the other end of this tiny see-saw, made me think of the confused look many couples that see me often have:

“Wait, what happened?”  “How did we get stuck?”
More importantly, “Can and how do we get down (unstuck)?”

Positive Override

Marriages begin with what renowned and leading marriage/couple psychologist Dr. John Gottman describes as a high, positive “set” point. It’s almost like the default position of the relationship. No matter what, most things are seen and experienced through this default lens. When the positive “set” point is high, couples are less likely to interpret things critically, or as a personal attack, or believe their relationship can ever be derailed. It takes far more negativity to harm your relationship than if your set point were lower.

Negative Override – when marriages gets heavy

But over time, anger, irritations, and resentment can build to the point that it’s like being a 3 year old on a See Saw with a tired grandfather. It can build for 2 years, or 5 years, or even 20 years, but if that balance tilts, and you slip from positive override into negative override, then everything begins to be interpreted more and more negatively. Marriage gets heavy.  Words said in a neutral tone get interpreted negatively. You interpret your spouse and your relationship more and more negatively. You think you’ve married the wrong person – or a person who is completely different than who you initially married. You get stuck. It’s as if there is a boulder on the other end of the see-saw. It’s no fun and in fact toxic.  And then you want to get off the See Saw and play with another toy.

Bottom line: Can I Save My Marriage?

I’ve been doing couples counseling for over 25 years now and what I can tell you is this: there is hope and there is good news for your relationship!   I’ve helped thousands of couples re-learn how to live and think in a way that notices what is strong and desirable about their partner and marriage, to tilt the balance of their relationship back into their favor. Couples who have completely lost hope have been amazed at this approach. I’ll be honest: it’s not as easy or simple as it might sound.  You’ll want an experienced guide or coach helping you figure out the steps and avenues to make it happen in your particular situation with your unique dynamic. But I’ve seen so many couples who thought they were done find renewed love, commitment, and a better relationship with each other. I believe it’s possible for you too!

Do yourself a favor: find a counselor or coach who works from a strengths-based, positive approach. Find a counselor or coach who is going to get in there with you and be active with you, someone who can help you work through some of the causes and pressure points of negativity in a way that relieves and revives your marriage instead of harming it, someone who is going to work with you to discern the steps and activities your specific relationships need to get itself back into positive override!


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Ninja Marriage Counseling!

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How do you choose a counselor for your relationship?

You want to know a secret? Actually, it’s pretty much an open secret these days: most therapists don’t enjoy couples counseling. (See the recent New York Times article regarding this revelation below). This may not seem like a shock or a big deal, but the truth of the matter is it is significant, especially if you are searching for a couples or marriage counselor to help your relationship.

Most therapists are trained almost exclusively in one-on-one counseling. That’s where the majority of their supervision and experience has been. They’re trained to diagnose mental and emotional distress and begin a treatment plan for that individual. Counselors are your classic ‘good guys’ (and ‘gals’); the empathetic and accepting therapists who are especially concerned about creating a safe space for you. The problem is, the more passive “uh-huh, uh-huh, hmmm,” type of individual counseling just isn’t effective with couples – and certainly not helpful for a relationship.

This is why most counselors dread couples counseling. Relationships can be messy: the stakes are high and there can be volatility, secrets, triangles, and uncertainty. The following New York Times article describes couples counseling as “piloting a helicopter in the midst of a hurricane.” We don’t think it’s that bad, but for many counselors, couples therapy can be frightening because it’s a tremendous challenge to actually be of help when two strong individuals are colliding.

That’s why you need a ninja! :) Terry Real says it best in the following article when he talks about the best couple’s counselors: “You have to like action. To manage marital combat, a therapist needs to get in there, mix it up with the client, be a ninja. This is intimidating (for many counselors).”

The bottom line is: couples counseling is very different from individual counseling. When looking around, make sure the counselor you choose to assist your relationship has the majority of her or his experience with couples. Make sure their approach is an active one, one in which they get in there with you and aren’t intimidated. Make sure they won’t cause your relationship more harm than good. Make sure you find yourself a ninja!

Read here: the New York Times article entitled, “Does Couples Therapy Work?”

(Well Marriage Center offers both a safe space AND ninja counseling for your relationship.  In fact, we specialize in marriage and couples counseling!  Read about Our Approach and feel free to ask questions!)

Marriage Counseling McLean VA

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Welcome to Well Marriage Center!  We understand it can be intimidating to consider couples counseling when your relationship runs into difficulty.  Plenty of questions run through people’s minds: “Will this help?” “How long does it last?” “How much money will this cost us?” “What if the counselor doesn’t think we can be helped?”

Click here to begin at our homepage: Well Marriage Center

It takes a lot of courage to ask for help.  Our commitment to you is to provide a safe, “marriage-friendly” approach that supports the probability that you can save and improve your relationship.  We want that for you and we believe you can make it happen!  For over 25 years we’ve sat with couples just like you, couples who have run into minor bumps or significant potholes, couples who wondered if their relationship could even be saved.  The great news is this: countless couples have echoed almost the identical statement, “several months ago I never would have imagined our relationship could be this good again.”

Well Marriage Center specializes in couples and marriage counseling in Northern VA, among other locations. We utilize a combination of therapeutic and wellness (strengths-based) models, we study the latest research, we engage with the leaders in our field, and we work exclusively with relationships or relationship dynamics.  Trust your relationship to a couple’s specialist!

We provide couples / marriage counseling to the Northern VA community, with office locations convenient to McLean, VA and the surrounding areas.

Marriage Counseling in Northern VA

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Welcome to Well Marriage Center!  We understand it can be intimidating to consider couples counseling when your relationship runs into difficulty.  Plenty of questions run through people’s minds: “Will this help?” “How long does it last?” “How much money will this cost us?” “What if the counselor doesn’t think we can be helped?”

Click here to begin at our homepage: Well Marriage Center

It takes a lot of courage to ask for help.  Our commitment to you is to provide a safe, “marriage-friendly” approach that supports the probability that you can save and improve your relationship.  We want that for you and we believe you can make it happen!  For over 25 years we’ve sat with couples just like you, couples who have run into minor bumps or significant potholes, couples who wondered if their relationship could even be saved.  The great news is this: countless couples have echoed almost the identical statement, “several months ago I never would have imagined our relationship could be this good again.”

Well Marriage Center specializes in couples and marriage counseling in Northern VA, among other locations. We utilize a combination of therapeutic and wellness (strengths-based) models, we study the latest research, we engage with the leaders in our field, and we work exclusively with relationships or relationship dynamics.  Trust your relationship to a couple’s specialist!

We provide couples / marriage counseling Northern VA

Marriage Counseling in Fairfax, VA

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Welcome to Well Marriage Center!  We understand it can be intimidating to consider couples counseling when your relationship runs into difficulty.  Plenty of questions run through people’s minds: “Will this help?” “How long does it last?” “How much money will this cost us?” “What if the counselor doesn’t think we can be helped?”

Click here to begin at our homepage: Well Marriage Center

It takes a lot of courage to ask for help.  Our commitment to you is to provide a safe, “marriage-friendly” approach that supports the probability that you can save and improve your relationship.  We want that for you and we believe you can make it happen!  For over 25 years we’ve sat with couples just like you, couples who have run into minor bumps or significant potholes, couples who wondered if their relationship could even be saved.  The great news is this: countless couples have echoed almost the identical statement, “several months ago I never would have imagined our relationship could be this good again.”

Well Marriage Center specializes in couples and marriage counseling in Northern VA, among other locations. We utilize a combination of therapeutic and wellness (strengths-based) models, we study the latest research, we engage with the leaders in our field, and we work exclusively with relationships or relationship dynamics.  Trust your relationship to a couple’s specialist!

Quick Links:
Our Counselors          Our Approach          Our Locations

Ask A Question          Schedule An Appointment

We provide couples / marriage counseling to the Northern VA community, with offices in Fairfax Virginia (VA) & Leesburg Virginia (VA).