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Success Stories: Sydney and Andrew

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On the vulnerability of sharing success stories:

Sometimes a couple wants to share their story. We’re really appreciative of the vulnerability and trust such a feat takes, and we hope you appreciate these stories as well.

(Names have been changed to preserve the author’s privacy.)

If your relationship is struggling, or if you feel empowered to take preventative steps to keep your relationship in a good place, we’re here to work with all couples who are willing to put in the effort.

Great relationships can be built, rebuilt, and sustained.

Sydney and Andrew:

“My wife and I had been married 22 years when we came to Well Marriage Center for help. Sydney is a night-owl and has always liked reading in bed until late. I had found a new job that forced me to be up early in the morning. I started sleeping in our guest room and bringing my clothes with me for the next morning.

Before we knew it, I was pretty much living in the other room and we were stuck in a rut. We had been sleeping apart for about 3 years, which destroyed our intimacy and had us both feeling very disconnected with each other.

I don’t think I realized how alone each of us felt in our marriage until Sydney told me she didn’t know if our marriage would make it–she described it as a “catastrophic disconnection.”

We needed help. What we appreciated about Michael Fronce from the very beginning was his confident and warm demeanor. He spent the first meeting learning all about what had initially attracted us to each other and what had allowed us so much marital success before now.

I swear, we left that first session feeling really upbeat and hopeful; that set the tone for all the work we were about to do. Michael worked with us on the concept of “us” and the concept of “team.” He helped us explore some pretty deep attachments we had formed and how they had been injured, damaged or rerouted over the previous few years.

He wanted me to be honest with this write-up, so let me just say, it’s really vulnerable work.

Good marriage counseling probably doesn’t work unless you are both able to humble yourselves. But when you start to feel that trust come back and that safety come back…it’s worth it!

Sydney and I together decided to redesign our bedroom and create a space we could both feel good about and comfortable in. We had equal say and worked through it with Michael. Over the past several months we’ve broken out of our ruts and have changed our routines. We’re feeling truly excited to have our connection back.

Bottom line: we felt really confident in Michael from the very beginning, which was a big deal for both of us considering we had friends who had bad marriage counseling experiences. We could tell he knew what he was doing.  I’d recommend him to all my friends. Both Sydney and I have told Michael that his support, knowing we weren’t alone, had made all the difference in the world.”


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Success Stories: James and Susan

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On the vulnerability of sharing success stories:

Sometimes a couple wants to share their story. We’re really appreciative of the vulnerability and trust such a feat takes, and we hope you appreciate these stories as well.

(Names have been changed to preserve the author’s privacy.)

If your relationship is struggling, or if you feel empowered to take preventative steps to keep your relationship in a good place, we’re here to work with all couples who are willing to put in the effort.

Great relationships can be built, rebuilt, and sustained.

James and Susan:

“A year ago I made the strongest decision of my life: I decided to ask for help with my marriage. I guess you would say my wife and I had the “typical” suffering marriage. We talked less and we fought more. It seemed like we were always critical or negative. We withdrew from each other in almost every way. Marriage became harder than it had ever been before. I finally agreed with Susan to give counseling a try.

I wanted to choose Glen for a variety of reasons, but the main one was because he’s done a lot of work with men, especially around anger issues.  I didn’t really have an anger problem, but I figured someone who could help angry men probably wouldn’t be a waste of my time or money. Susan liked his experience and focus on couples therapy. (We actually agreed on him.)

I know I’m supposed to do more of our story than a testimonial, so I’ll just start with this: I had no idea what to expect in couples therapy. I didn’t know if it would be easy or if it would be really hard.  To be honest, a year later, I think it’s a little of both.

The first month was definitely the hardest because a lot of stuff bubbled up to the surface. Luckily, Glen did two things that probably helped save us. First, he integrated a lot of positive behavior stuff. I didn’t think it would be that great but it was remarkably effective and really changed the way we spoke to and acted towards each other. He’ll be able to explain it better if you see him.

Second, he confronted me early on my work issues. This was a big issue for us, but Glen did it in a way where you could definitely tell he’s worked with guys before.

I didn’t want to storm out of his office. It was a breakthrough for me and led to some really powerful re-prioritizing.

We haven’t been in weekly counseling sessions for a whole year. We saw Glen pretty regularly for a few months while we worked through a bunch of stuff. Then we saw him once a month or once every 2 months just to check-in and talk together about our progress.

Now we’ve decided to see him 1 or 2 times a year.  It’s more of a preventive thing (he calls it wellness) so we don’t run into the problems we had before. He knows us now and what we’ve been through which we really appreciate. We’re excited to start building on the strengths of our relationship.

I’ll say this to close: you have to be willing to make some changes in your life and in your marriage. The good news, at least for us, is that your relationship really can get better. I agree with the other couple who wrote their story and said 10 months ago they never believed their marriage could be this good again. Susan and I have experienced that too and that’s why we wrote this story for Glen.  He really did help us and we’re incredibly grateful for the way in which he did it.  Good luck with your new center Glen, you’re going to do a lot of people good.

 

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Coming in Second

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Written by Mary Baker, LPC

One of my recent couples, I will call them Jim and Diana, came to me with a very familiar struggle. Diana had a difficult time accepting that Jim would work late. When he did come home, he quickly turned on the computer or the TV.

Even though she would often suggest they have a date night or watch a show together, Jim would find reasons to isolate himself. Diana’s resentment would build until she became irritable. She noted how much she did for Jim (and the kids) and how underappreciated she felt.  Jim was frustrated.  In his mind he was doing all he could to provide for the family and simply wanted to relax when he was home.

No one likes to “come in second” to a spouse’s career, the kids, or extracurricular activities. In our busy and competitive modern environment, marriage counselors see this struggle play out time and again with overworked and overstressed couples.

One person feels overlooked and begins to feels neglected.  The other becomes frustrated and resentful and begins to withdraw. What can couples do when this dynamic takes root and threatens to harm their marriage?

When I work with a dynamic like this in couples therapy, I’m often paying attention to your priorities and how you balance two key elements: the needs of your marriage and your own needs.  (If children are present, then your children’s welfare becomes the 3rd key element that needs balancing). Let’s look at how this played out with Jim and Diana:

As Jim and Diana opened up about what they were experiencing I began to take note of how much energy and focus Diana was investing in taking care of her husband. For Diana it was a gradual process and I’m not sure she even realized it was happening.

We take less and less care of ourselves as we take more and more care of someone else.  This left her feeling vulnerable and less confident.

She looked to Jim to validate her. The less vocal and assertive he became, the more anxious Diana was about how he felt about the marriage and about her. Diana didn’t have regular contact with healthy friends, outlets for herself where she could learn, play and/or connect.

This lack of healthy feedback, encouragement and connection left Diana feeling depleted and disempowered, especially as Jim began to pull away. I used the analogy of how important good nutrition is for healthy bodies. Healthy environments and friendships outside the marriage help nurture and feed us.

Jim began to work through his attempts to self-protect by emotionally turning away from Diana’s bids for affection. He realized he felt overwhelmed by the pressure to meet all of her needs and eventually shut down and became resentful himself.

He wasn’t taking care of himself, either. When we withdraw and isolate, either through tv or the internet or some other vice, we’re not taking care of our marriage or ourselves.

Marriage counseling helped Diana see how out of balance she had become. Jim started to share more of his feelings, frustrations and needs. Ironically, Diana began to feel more connected to him as he shared these frustrations. They started to find each other again. They began to implement practical solutions that balanced the needs of both their marriage and themselves.

So if you are beginning to feel like you are coming in second or you are beginning to feel some resentment building inside you, it might be wise to look at how balanced the needs of your marriage and your own needs currently are.

Since we can take responsibility for our self-care more easily, that is often a good place to start.

By owning our needs and taking the initiative to make sure they are met, we feel more confident and grounded. We are no longer focused outside of ourselves and thus feel less vulnerable, because whenever we wait, wish, nag or cajole, we are handing others our power. Rather, we are more focused within, owning our needs, setting boundaries and then letting our partner freely choose to honor our needs, as well as their own. This is the healthiest way to cultivate freedom in the marriage which in turn allows love to grow and prosper.


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