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How Can I Improve Communication in My Marriage?

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If you’re looking for ways to improve communication with your partner, then you’re in the right place. Here we cover the stresses that relationships place on effective communication and how you and your spouse can rekindle healthy conversations. There’s also specific exercises and steps to get you started on the right path.

How to Improve Your Marital Communication

For many married couples, structure and commitment are the keys to rebuilding healthy communication. Renewing clear and effective dialogue can be a difficult process, which is why these qualities are so important. Make it easier to stay consistent with your efforts by:

  • Choosing a specific space for difficult conversations
  • Setting aside a dedicated portion of your day
  • Working with a marriage counselor

Rebuilding communication in a relationship also takes intentional effort. You and your partner need to both be committed to the process. Communication is inherently tied to other challenges in a relationship, and making progress will involve many difficult conversations. These challenges are another reason why working with a marriage counselor, like our specialists at Well Marriage Center, can help make the process more engaging and effective. Marriage counselors provide:

  • A safe, neutral space for even the most difficult conversations
  • Mediation to guide discussions in a productive direction
  • Communication exercises tailored for your relationship dynamic    

While this may sound rigid, there are plenty of fun ways to communicate with your spouse! Many of the following marriage communication exercises are part of couples counseling, and you can also try them at home to start reigniting conversations:

  • Start a shared journal or scrapbook. This activity will serve as a fun way for you and your partner to record exciting memories or challenges that you worked through as a team. Sometimes, writing down your feelings is easier than saying them out loud, which is another benefit of this exercise.
  • Have date nights away from the pressures and routines of your daily lives. Dates will give you and your partner time and space to reconnect without worrying about the mess on the kitchen table or who’s turn it is to get the sock back from your dog. In a relaxed setting, you will both feel more comfortable about sharing your feelings.
  • Share music or other media that you’re passionate about. Doing so opens up an opportunity to get to know each other on a deeper level. Your partner’s favorite song at the moment may reveal a lot more about how they’re feeling than a routine conversation ever could.
  • Take a walk together. Just like scheduling a date night outside of the house, taking a walk together is a great way to remove distractions from your environment. And, it’s free and easy to do! The American Psychological Association also published data on how regular, moderate exercise can improve mental health (which also makes communication easier).

 

What Does Healthy Communication in Marriage Look Like?

The journey of improving communication in a marriage is a work in progress, but it’s also one worth making! Like any journey, it helps to have a guide. So, what is effective communication in a marriage? Positive relationship communication often looks like:

  • Listening to understand instead of just responding
  • Accepting responsibility
  • Prioritizing solving problems over placing blame

However, sometimes it’s easier to notice the signs of bad communication in a relationship. These might include:

  • Reacting with blame or defensivenessGetting constantly distracted
  • Avoiding difficult conversations
  • Using aggressive or intentionally hurtful language

The Importance of Healthy Communication in Relationships

Healthy communication is so essential to the success of a marriage, or any relationship, because it allows couples to work together to overcome obstacles, set goals, express needs, and define expectations – when communication breaks down, these things don’t happen. Sometimes, it leads to every conversation becoming an argument and healthy communication loses out to passive aggressive orders, passing blame, and the silent treatment.

Understandably, married couples are concerned when once loving interactions become filled with combative statements.

Are there statistics on how many marriages fail because of a lack of communication? Studies vary on the exact percentage, but most agree that poor communication is responsible for over 50% of failed marriages. This consensus is supported by evidence collected over 50 years of study, which points to contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling as the most significant predictors of a failing relationship.

These numbers may seem intimidating, but there is hope if you’re experiencing poor communication in your relationship. At Well Marriage Center, we believe that couples can revitalize positive communication because we’ve seen it time and time again.  

What Causes a Lack of Communication in a Marriage?

Lack of communication in a relationship is often tied to other, larger issues. When external pressures—like bills, career responsibilities, and unequal household chores—build up, they can cause frustration that seeps into conversations between spouses. Sometimes, marriage can start to feel like living with a coworker or roommate because there are so many tasks to complete. If you’re experiencing this, it’s extra important to make time for conversations that extend beyond your to-do list. 

Mental health challenges—like anxiety, depression, and childhood trauma—can also make it more difficult for partners to open up about their own feelings or trust each other. In these situations, difficult and even exciting conversations with your partner can become overwhelming. Instead of facing the world together, one or both partners may find themselves avoiding confrontation. Working with a marriage counselor can help because sessions don’t just work on improving communication; they also get to the root cause of communication barriers. 

Ready to start putting in the work for a healthier, more connected relationship? At Well Marriage Center, we’re prepared to help you through the challenges, the fun, and everything in between when it comes to rebuilding communication in your marriage. We believe in things that last, meaning we work with you to preserve your marriage. We celebrate what made it great in the first place and look for ways to help you and your partner enjoy more of those moments. Contact us today to schedule an appointment.  

 

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What Is Healthy Communication in a Marriage?

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If you’re looking for advice on relationship communication, you might also know some of the telltale signs of bad communication in a relationship: constant fights, lack of respect, or stonewalling. But what about the signs of healthy communication? With the importance of communication in marriage being so critical, it’s valuable to know when you and your partner are doing things right—or when you might need a little work. So what is effective communication in marriage? Let’s look at good examples of communication and some solutions, like marriage counseling, that might help it get even better. 

What Are the Qualities of Good Communication in Marriage?

Good communication in a marriage can look different for every couple, but ultimately it comes down to being respectful of your partner and being clear about your own feelings and needs. However, there are some signs of effective communication in a marriage you should always look for in your relationship.

  1. Listen to your partner when they’re speaking—and don’t interrupt! It can be easy to listen to respond, rather than listen to understand. But when you take the time to hear what your partner is saying, you can give them the space they need to clearly explain their wants, needs, and concerns.

    Tip: You can show your partner you’re actively listening by maintaining eye contact and nodding your head rather than being distracted by technology or a wandering mind. Alternatively, you can repeat their point back in your own words to show you understand and create a moment to clarify any misunderstandings.
  2. Think before you speak, even in moments of frustration or hurt. It can be easy to say the wrong thing if you respond reactively. However, it’s important to take a step back and think about what you want to say and how you want to say it. Remember, after you say something you can’t take it back. If you say something hurtful, it can be hard to redeem yourself. You should express your negative feelings in a constructive way.

    Tip: Communicate with your partner about how you’re feeling during tense conversations. Avoid attacks or malicious responses.
  3. Talk about small things—good or bad! It’s important to have conversations about your day, what’s new and exciting, or what’s got you down (and not always the big-picture stuff). Nobody wants to talk about serious topics all of the time. In fact, talking about fun things is fun in its own right! Having these conversations can help reaffirm your connection with one another.

    Tip: Asking about your partner’s day is a great way to show them you care.
  4. Be aware of body language and non-verbal cues. Understanding both your and your partner’s body language can help you adjust the way you approach a conversation. How are you and your partner showing your emotions? Are you guarded with your arms crossed? Or are you leaning in and listening to your partner attentively?

    Tip: Make sure you take your partner’s non-verbal cues into consideration when having a conversation.
  5. Express gratitude on a regular basis. It always feels nice to know you’re loved and appreciated by your partner. By communicating your gratitude regularly, you can give your partner confidence and security in your relationship. Not only that, but it will help you both focus on the good things about your marriage and strengthen your connection.

    Tip: Tell your partner one thing you appreciate or admire about them every day.

Of course, there are several more qualities of effective communication in a relationship. It’s all about giving each other the space you need to feel comfortable expressing your feelings. It’s okay if you and your spouse don’t always understand each other—sometimes things get in the way. However, poor communication can be a sign of a deeper issue, but there are ways to help you navigate the root of the problem. For example, marriage counseling at Well Marriage Center can help you refocus your marriage on your strengths, rather than what’s holding you back.

What Is the Importance of Communication in a Marriage?

Effective communication enables couples to establish trust, resolve conflicts, share their needs, and forge a deep emotional connection. With open and honest communication, you and your partner can gain a greater understanding of one another, which means greater trust and intimacy. You can also feel more connected to your partner by expressing your thoughts, feelings, and experiences in a safe and encouraging environment. 

Conflict resolution is also an important skill for marriage. Of course, arguments are bound to happen in every relationship and they can even be healthy, but good communication can help you and your spouse reach respectful and constructive outcomes. This includes clarifying expectations with your partner to avoid misunderstandings. By communicating in the most straightforward way possible, partners may steer clear of assumptions that would otherwise cause arguments and uncertainty.

Overall, if you and your partner prioritize communication, you can establish a lasting and rewarding connection that can last a lifetime. But making communication a priority also comes with exploring the possibility of more in-depth relationship concerns, like lack of intimacy or conflicting approaches to finances. You can address those concerns by reaching out to professionals like us at Well Marriage Center. You and your partner can dig into the problems you’re facing by focusing on what’s working in your relationship. Building a solid foundation on your strengths gives you a well rounded perspective on how you communicate with your partner.

What Is One Way to Create Healthy Communication in a Marriage?

If you feel like you’re having difficulty communicating in a healthy way with your partner, or just want to make a good marriage stronger, it might be time to consider a solution like marriage counseling. Attending couples therapy doesn’t mean your marriage is unsuccessful—or that you’re alone. In fact, about 50% of couples try counseling at some point in their marriage. 

If you’re looking to rejuvenate your marriage, Well Marriage Center provides a strengths-based approach to counseling. Instead of focusing on the negative aspects of your marriage—and communication—we help you restore your relationship based on your successes. You’ll also get marriage communication tools to help strengthen your connection. If you’d like to deepen your relationship, connect with our intake coordinator, Melinda, and get started on your counseling journey!

 

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What Causes Lack of Communication in a Relationship?

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Couples sometimes struggle with communication, but what do you do when it becomes a pattern? It can feel frustrating, or even demoralizing to struggle with relationship communication, especially when you can’t figure out what’s causing it. While every relationship has its own challenges, there are a few common signs of bad communication in a relationship. The good news is that all of them have solutions.

At Well Marriage Center, we love helping relationships thrive. Let’s take a look at some ways people—and couples—struggle with communicating. We’ll also examine some of the ways a therapist could help you improve communication with your partner.

Why Do People Struggle With Communication Skills?

The short answer is: it’s complicated. Truthfully, there are a lot of factors that impact communication skills, and each of those factors affects people in different ways. Most of them, though, can be boiled down to a few basic concepts. Every person:

  • Learns to communicate (or not communicate) differently
  • Has different needs, and relationships with those needs
  • Receives each type of communication differently
  • Possesses varying degrees of natural social skill

Since each person is unique (as are their life experiences) it’s easy to see how quickly communication between two people can become challenging. This is especially true in a romantic partnership. When two people become a couple, they each bring their personal formula of communication to the table, and chances are those formulas are very different. What’s more, their gaps in communication may not be apparent at first; the reasons for lack of communication in a relationship are not always the stereotypical fighting or silent treatments. Poor communication can also be dynamics that long go unnoticed, or an inability to express needs. And if either partner has not done the therapeutic work of understanding their patterns or behaviors, this can make bridging communication gaps even more challenging.

So, when it comes to couples communication, there are a lot of moving parts. But what are the most common causes of communication difficulties in a relationship? Let’s take a look.

What Causes Poor Communication in a Relationship?

When there is no communication in a relationship, or the communication feels like a challenge, it’s usually because of one (or both) of the partners is struggling with at least one of the following skill sets:

  • Understanding Communication Styles
  • Solving Relationship Conflicts
  • Expressing Unmet Needs
  • Processing External Stress

Let’s take a look at each of these, and how a therapist can help with each skill set.

Understanding Communication Styles

There are four basic styles of communicating: passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive, and assertive. It’s important to not just understand which of these is your default, communication habit, but how your partner communicates as well. This is because each pairing of communication styles sets a tone for different relationship dynamics. If you don’t understand your partner’s communication style (or your own), you’re set up to run into the same kind of trouble over and over again.

How do couples find common ground in communication styles? Ideally, each partner should shoot for assertive communication. When you are assertive, you’re able to boldly express yourself, while giving your partner space to do the same. It also involves respecting your partner’s feelings and concerns. Therapists help couples understand not just what it means to be more assertive, but also how to practice assertive communication in a relationship. This can include tools like “I” statements, which focus on expressing frustration through a lens of feeling, as opposed to a lens of criticism (i.e. “I feel uncomfortable when we don’t talk” versus “You never want to talk about anything”).

Solving Relationship Conflicts

Every relationship has conflict. More than that, every healthy relationship should have conflict on occasion. Conflict, when handled well, can encourage growth, empathy, and an enriched perspective. But the sad reality is that everyone learns different meanings for conflict, a lot of which occurs early in life. For example, people with abandonment issues may fear conflict because to them, it is a sign of impending doom. Conversely, those who grew up in an abusive household may subconsciously associate unhealthy conflict with expressing love, and thus seek out conflict to feel loved.

Therapists show partners how their individual perceptions of conflict play out in the relationship. They may even work in one-on-one sessions with each person to better process conflict, so that when the couple rejoins, there is a better chance of positive resolution. Knowing your partner’s feelings around conflict—and what will trigger an emotional response in them—is key to improving communication.

Expressing Unmet Needs

There may come times in relationships where one partner is not getting what they want or need from the other. Unfortunately, not everyone can clearly express when this happens, and not everyone who can express it does so in a healthy way. On top of that, since everyone receives communication differently, the other partner may either be triggered by the need or may simply not be getting the message—even if it’s clear.

With that, though, it’s important to understand that what seems like “clear communication” to you may not be so clear to your partner. People cannot read minds, and may misunderstand subtle signals, which is why assertive communication is a valuable skill in relationships. Additionally, if you never tell your partner what your needs are, they cannot be there for you. This is another place where therapy helps not just the relationship, but the individual; asking for what you want is an important life skill in general, but it also makes relationships far more fulfilling. People struggle with sharing their needs for a variety of reasons—whether it’s low self-esteem, traumatic events, or expecting their partner to “just know them”—and a good therapist knows how to work with each of these.

Processing External Stress

Life can throw any number of challenges at us—some big, and some small. But no matter what they are, the stressors in our lives impact all of our relationships, including romantic ones. When things become hard for one or both partners, they must come together and support each other through whatever difficulties arise. Unfortunately, it’s not always that easy, as stress can cloud our judgment and make us more reactive, which adds tension to our relationships.

When you’re struggling with life, it’s a good idea to have a therapist—whether you’re in a relationship or not. But it’s especially important for relationships because in addition to your own well-being, you have to look out for the well-being of your partner and the shared bond you two have built together.

Practice Effective Communication With Well Marriage

Whether your relationship is struggling or thriving, it can benefit from improved communication skills. At Well Marriage, our therapists are trained in a variety of tactics, tools, and techniques to enrich any couple’s partnership and help them grow closer. If you’re interested in how therapy can make your love stronger than it’s ever been, please reach out to us and schedule an appointment today.



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Signs of Bad Communication in a Relationship (And What To Do About It)

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Communication is often listed as the most important piece of any relationship, romantic or otherwise. Another less-known (and less-fortunate) truth is that while communicating is easy, communicating well is hard. Everyone learns to communicate—or not communicate—differently, much of which happens in our developmental years. And while our individual means of communication may seem natural to us, they aren’t always natural to others, and vice versa.

This, among other reasons, is why communication is maybe the most challenging part of a romantic partnership. Poor communication is often the root of many relationship issues, and can oftentimes go unnoticed until it boils into a larger problem. If you found yourself reading this, you’re likely dealing with communication problems in your relationship. You may be asking yourself questions like:

  • Why do I struggle to communicate with my partner?
  • Why does it feel like my partner and I are speaking different languages?
  • Why won’t my partner openly communicate with me?
  • Is it true that lack of communication in a marriage leads to divorce?

While this can be a painful experience, the good news is that you’re not alone. The even better news is that with a little intention, a bit of teamwork, and some help from a professional, you can drastically improve your communication skills as a couple. And Well Marriage Center is here to help you take those first steps. Below, we’ll cover some common communication pitfalls, what good communication looks like, and some steps you can take alongside your partner (and a therapist) toward a better partnership.

Is Lack of Communication a Reason to Break Up?

It doesn’t have to be! If you and your partner are willing to make changes together, communication patterns can be improved. Usually, when there is no communication in a relationship, it’s a sign that either one or both partners’ needs aren’t being met, feelings aren’t being expressed, or a partner isn’t feeling listened to. These are all things you can work on. And with the help of a therapist, it becomes much easier. Having the outside perspective of a therapist also helps to identify some negative patterns couples often face when communicating.

What Does Toxic Communication Look Like?

If you and your partner are struggling with communication, you’ll likely see one or more of the “Four Horsemen” in your relationship. Discovered by expert John Gottman, these four toxic communication patterns, if allowed to persist, prove very detrimental to a partnership:

 

  • Criticism | Verbally attacking someone on a personal level, rather than addressing the real issue
  • Contempt | Intentional, sometimes passive-aggressive, expressions of disrespect
  • Defensiveness | Avoiding responsibility for a problem or listening, usually by “playing the victim”
  • Stonewalling | Complete withdrawal from the relationship, effectively stopping communications

 

While the presence of all Four Horsemen at once is a high predictor of separation, having one pop up in your relationship does not doom your chances. Many times, people that communicate in these ways don’t realize they’re doing it, or may not even have control of it. Therapists like those at Well Marriage commonly deal with these patterns in couples, and will help identify solutions tailored to the couple’s unique situation. Let’s look at each of the Four Horsemen in detail, including some unhealthy ways to communicate during a disagreement—and healthier alternatives for them.

The First Horseman: Criticism

It’s completely normal to get frustrated, or even angry with things your partner does. Maybe you can’t stand how they load the dishwasher, or maybe they forget it’s your birthday. While it’s healthy to express frustration, it’s problematic when that frustration is directed at the person, rather than the behavior. If criticism does not address the actual issue, the criticized partner can feel blindsided, leading them to Defensiveness (the Third Horseman).

When a partner is angry about something their lover has done (or not done), it’s important to focus on expressing feelings rather than attacking. You do this by mainly using “I” statements, as opposed to “you” statements. When we criticize, we are projecting a meaning onto our partner’s actions or inactions, and that meaning is usually more of a reflection on us than our partner. As an example, let’s say someone feels they’re not getting enough help from their partner with household chores:

  • Instead of: “You never help me clean up around here; you’re so lazy and selfish!”
  • Try: “I get really frustrated when you don’t help me clean up the house.”

The Second Horseman: Contempt

Usually caused by long-term, simmering negative emotions, contempt is a driver for active mistreatment of a partner. If you find yourself feeling superior to your partner or “better than” them, contempt is typically the root cause. This can come out as verbal abuse, dismissing their feelings, or mocking them in a passive-aggressive way. Contempt is the single greatest predictor of a breakup, but like all the other horsemen, it can be solved. 

Doing away with contempt requires an intentional, consistent environment of gratitude and respect. That means not only appreciating the great things about your partner when things are going well, but acknowledging what they contribute when you are frustrated with them as well. Oftentimes, contempt is a long-standing pattern that will take time to unravel—something therapists are expertly equipped to handle. Let’s refer back to the household chores example again, but with a solution for contemptuous behavior:

  • Instead of: “Oh, it’s fine—I’ll clean the house again, alone, like I always do. Thanks a lot.” *scoffs*
  • Try: “I know you’ve been really busy lately, but could you please help me today? I’d really appreciate it.”

The Third Horseman: Defensiveness

While this Horseman showing up is often in response to the First Horseman (Criticism), some people are just naturally defensive—usually because of some past trauma they’ve experienced. It’s normal to want to defend yourself when you feel attacked, but the problem is that sometimes, people can feel attacked when a partner is simply trying to express themselves. In this case, defensiveness is, for lack of a better term, a defense mechanism against accepting responsibility or listening to a partner communicate.

A relationship where your guard is always up doesn’t allow for vulnerability, connection, or intimacy. On top of that, being defensive is really just a roundabout way of placing blame back on the other partner. Whenever you’re feeling defensive, it’s always a good idea to check in and see where it’s coming from. Sometimes, it’s absolutely warranted, like if you’re being unjustly accused of something. In many cases, however, a little more empathy and listening will help you lower your guard with your partner. It also usually means accepting responsibility for at least part of the current problem.

Let’s say, in that household chores example, you’re now the partner who hasn’t been helping out. Your partner approaches you one night and says “Hey, I’d really like your help cleaning the kitchen next time. I get really frustrated when I feel like I’ve got to do this alone.”

  • Instead of: “You act as if I never help with anything! I have a job too, you know.”
  • Try: “I’m sorry I didn’t help you. I had a long day at work and just crashed. I’ll help out next time.”

The Fourth Horseman: Stonewalling

The fourth and final Horseman, stonewalling is arguably the most damaging behavior to engage in. When we stonewall, we completely seal ourselves off from our partner—physically, emotionally, and mentally—thus abandoning all attempts to solve the issue at hand. The effects of lack of communication in a relationship are profoundly negative, especially over long periods of time. The effects can leave the other person with lingering self-doubt, isolation, and depression. Thankfully, this behavior isn’t something that is just going to pop up without warning; it typically takes prolonged periods of exposure to the other three Horsemen before stonewalling occurs.

It’s important to be aware of when you are feeling emotionally overwhelmed. Oftentimes, you can stop a shutdown before it happens by pausing an argument and taking some time to self-soothe. Some topics can be difficult for couples to have rational conversations about, and it’s not always the best idea to press the issue in the moment.

Let’s say the household chores disagreement turns into a heated argument about bandwidth. If you feel like you’re at your emotional limit:

  • Instead of: Shutting down, exploding in a rage, ignoring your partner, or storming out…
  • Say: “Could we take a break and talk about this a little later, please? I’m feeling overwhelmed.”

While the above suggestions can provide a roadmap for the Four Horsemen, fixing communication patterns does not happen overnight, even with genuine effort and intention. To complicate matters even further, there are more than just the Four Horsemen when it comes to communication patterns. A skilled therapist will be knowledgeable about all of the communication pitfalls and able to tailor solutions to your unique situation. 

Truly changing how we communicate takes time, and usually an outside perspective to help maintain objectivity as the relationship improves. This is just one of the many reasons having a therapist by your side can make this so much easier; they can help you navigate these communication patterns and more easily fix problems as they arise.

What Causes Poor Communication in a Relationship?

Each relationship is unique, so the causes for communication issues vary widely. Here are a few common culprits:

  • Unmet Needs | More often than not, this is the primary cause of communication breakdowns: a need that is not being fulfilled for one or both partners. These may be needs that the partner themselves has not expressed, perhaps because they don’t even know what they’re longing for. A healthy relationship requires each individual to be aware of what they require in a relationship; after all, how can you ask for what you want if you don’t even know what that is? Some common examples of unmet needs are a lack of quality time, lack of vulnerability between partners, and feelings of insecurity or jealousy.


  • Past Traumas | Therapists will often speak ad-nauseam about how “everything goes back to your childhood,” but that’s because there is a lot of truth in that statement—particularly when talking about communication. As children, we adapt to the patterns around us that best meet our needs for survival, and those patterns aren’t always healthy to carry into adulthood. This is not to place blame on ourselves or even our parents, but it’s our responsibility as healthy romantic partners to understand how our upbringing has shaped us. Perhaps your partner communicates in a way that an abusive parent communicated to you as a child, but they don’t realize it. If you don’t realize the problem either, it becomes a lot harder to pinpoint, much less solve.


  • External Stressors | Like the saying goes, “life happens.” Any number of unexpected events can add a huge amount of stress to our lives, which inevitably affects how we relate to others. That stress doesn’t always have to be negative events, either; positive life events like a new job or even a wedding can add abnormal amounts of stress. In these times, it’s more important than ever to be mindful in establishing good communication patterns.


  • Unhealthy Communication Styles | As we discussed earlier, there are many unhealthy ways to communicate that damage future efforts to share between partners. Contemptuous behavior, disregarding feelings, or bottling up problems until they explode are just a few ways that partners damage their relationships. To reiterate, having these issues does not mean the relationship can’t be saved; it just means there is a need for more intentional communication, and likely the help of an experienced professional. 

What Is Good Communication Between Couples?

Since each relationship is different, “good” communication will look different for each couple. That said, here are a few general guidelines you can apply, all of which a therapist can give you tools for:

  • Be aware of your own needs, feelings, and shortcomings in communication—we all have them!
  • Talk about things through a lens of how they make you feel.
  • When frustrated with your partner, focus on their behavior—not their character.
  • Listen to your partner, even when you don’t agree with them. There can be two valid viewpoints to any situation.

Well Marriage Center: Communication Is (Your) Key

If you’re wondering how to communicate better with your spouse or romantic partner, Well Marriage Center is here to help. Our therapists are experts in developing positive communication patterns for couples and can give you a variety of ways to improve communication in a relationship. We truly believe that any partnership can be improved, if both partners are willing to work together. No matter where you are in your relationship or what patterns you are seeing, no problem is too big to be solved.

Reach out to us anytime and schedule an appointment. We’ll be here when you’re ready.

 

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How Does Couples Therapy Improve Communication?

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Strong relationship communication is one of the most valuable and desirable traits that couples seek in their marriage. There’s a wealth of information regarding couples therapy communication questions and how to apply them to your marriage. However, does couples therapy actually work to fix communication issues? It can—if both parties are willing to put in the work. With that in mind, let’s talk about improving communication skills and what to do when you can’t communicate with your partner. We’ll also answer questions like, “How do you fill the communication gap between couples?” 

Can Couples Therapy Help with Communication?

Yes! The good news is couples therapy can help you and your partner work through any communication issues you may be facing in your relationship. In fact, learning how to communicate successfully with one another is one of the main goals of couples counseling. Poor communication is usually the crux of many relationship issues since it can cause misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and even anxiety. That’s why strong communication is fundamental to the success of a marriage! 

Of course, every couple faces different challenges, but what are some of the most common signs of bad communication in a relationship?

  • Listening to respond, rather than listening to understand
  • Responding reactively with your emotions rather than rationally
  • Raising your voice or yelling instead of talking in a calm voice
  • Showing negative non-verbal communication like facial expressions and body language
  • Blaming your partner for anything that goes wrong
  • Not taking a break when things get heated
  • Withdrawing from hard conversations

Understanding how you communicate with your spouse is essential to clearly voice any concerns you may have. It’s also important to remain open and vulnerable with your partner, which can be more difficult if one of you is following the patterns listed above. But you might be surprised to learn that communication is not typically the underlying cause of relationship problems. Often communication suffers when there is a loss of trust, a different set of priorities, and a lack of intimacy—among other things. 

So if you’re wondering how to fix communication in a relationship, couples therapy can help. Licensed couples therapists, like those at Well Marriage Center, will help you focus on the root causes of your relationship problems and introduce healthy communication styles. During couples therapy, your therapist will be there to support you and your partner. They do this by encouraging you to be confident in your feelings, actively listen to each other, and feel empathy for one another. Your therapist will provide you and your partner with other strategies to communicate while also pointing out ineffective communication habits that might stem from deeper issues. 

In general, couples therapy can help you focus on what is causing the communication problems. We know diving into your feelings can be difficult to talk about. You want to feel safe to be open and honest. But couples counseling can help you and your spouse to improve your communication skills while also providing you with a secure place to talk about sensitive or difficult topics. Your therapist will encourage discussions, assist you in using clearer language, and make sure that both parties feel heard and understood. Ultimately, they give you the tools to bridge any gap, including poor communication.

How Do You Fill the Communication Gap Between Couples?

You can “fill the communication gap” between you and your spouse by making time to communicate using skills like active listening, being honest and direct, and acknowledging difficulties when working through problems. Typically, it’s best to find the cause of these issues, rather than blame it all on communication. Keep in mind that improving communication in a relationship is a continuous process that needs the dedication and effort of both parties. You can create a stronger, deeper, and more fulfilling connection by cooperating and applying efficient communication techniques.

How Can You Improve Communication in a Relationship?

The best way to improve communication with your partner is to invest time in each other, whether through communication exercises or couples therapy. Every couple faces difficulty communicating at some point in their relationship. That’s okay! There are a few communication therapy techniques you can work through with your couples therapist to help make communication between you and your partner better, such as:

  • Practice active listening and understand your partner’s perspective
  • Express your feelings clearly and honestly using “I” statements
  • Be empathetic towards your partner and their feelings
  • Be mindful of nonverbal communication and how your body language expresses your emotions
  • Avoid being defensive and listen to your partner’s concerns
  • Acknowledge your part in any issues you’re facing
  • Find a solution or compromise together

Speaking with a licensed therapist will help you navigate these communication techniques while helping you discover the root of the problem. Has your partner cheated? Are you financially irresponsible? Do you have different parenting styles? What childhood traumas are you each bringing to the table? Each of these concerns can lead to poor communication between you and your spouse. 

If you and your partner need to find your way back to one another, the therapists at Well Marriage Center can help you take a strengths-based approach to your marriage counseling. With the most experienced marriage counselors who have helped thousands of couples, you can find success in your relationship too. If you’d like to learn more, visit our website or set up an appointment with our intake coordinator, Melinda. 

 

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Couples Therapy Communication Questions

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The idea of marriage or couples counseling can be scary, especially when you don’t know what to expect. Hopefully, we can help calm your nerves. First and foremost, it’s important to point out that you’re not alone! One study found that 49% of married couples have invested time into counseling at some point in their marriage. 

But does counseling help with relationship communication, specifically? Yes, it absolutely does– communication touches every area of a relationship, as the verbal and nonverbal exchanges between people are what build the relationship in the first place. We’re going to explore: what counseling actually means, couples therapy communication, and exercises and questions you might expect during your time in counseling.

What Happens in Couples Counseling?

Couples counseling, often known as couples therapy or marriage counseling, is a form of therapy that helps couples tackle problems in their relationship and improve their communication and intimacy. Marriage counseling procedures differ based on the therapist’s approach(es) and the couple’s individual needs and goals, but typically will consist of:

  • Initial introduction and consultation
  • Assessment and identification of issues
  • Developing skills and solving problems

Most often, a licensed therapist will begin with an introduction and evaluation. In this evaluation, they ask you about your relationship history, any current concerns you’re facing, and goals you have for treatment. Together with your partner and the therapist, you should expect to investigate the problems that are causing conflict or frustration in your marriage. 

All therapeutic centers will have variations of this general approach. At Well Marriage, for example, our first session will include an overview of your relationship’s strengths before diving into the more difficult topics. By the end of the first session, however, your counselor will provide insight into what is happening in the relationship and tools to immediately start calming down (or spicing up!) things at home. By four sessions, you should have not only useful insight, but also tools and strategies in place to begin fixing deeper issues.

How Does Therapy Help with Communication Skills?

Marriage counseling, or couples therapy, can serve as a great resource for couples who are dealing with communication challenges. Counseling can significantly improve communication skills by:

  • Creating a Safe Space: Marriage counseling provides a secure and impartial setting in which you and your partner may communicate your thoughts and problems. Within the safe space, you can communicate without fear of being judged or retaliated against. This environment, managed by a skilled interpersonal clinician, promotes open and honest discussions, which can be challenging in other spaces.
  • Identifying Communication Patterns: You and your partner can get help from a therapist by learning your habits and communication styles. You might not be conscious of how your way of communication contributes to misunderstandings, conflicts, or hurt feelings. With the help of a therapist, you and your partner may identify and change these patterns, where they come from, and work out techniques to grow together.
  • Developing Active Listening Skills: You and your partner can learn active listening techniques from marriage counselors, including paying attention to what the other person is saying and validating their feelings. This makes it easier for you to communicate and makes your partner feel heard and understood.
  • Improving Nonverbal Communication: Nonverbal communication with your spouse, such as your body language and voice tone, can be improved with the assistance of a counselor. They could give you tips for communicating how to communicate more effectively and pick up on your partner’s nonverbal signs.
  • Encouraging Empathy and Understanding: Marriage counselors may support you and your partner to cultivate mutual understanding and empathy. This can improve your ability to communicate, minimize disagreements, and reinforce your emotional connection.

The good news is you can develop your communication skills with the help of a licensed counselor. And those skills lead to a happier and more fulfilling marriage. With counseling, you and your partner may be able to improve your communication skills and tackle issues in a more constructive way. Sounds good, right? If you and your partner are ready to figure out how to communicate better, consider contacting Well Marriage Center for help.

How Do You Improve Communication Between Couples?

You probably have heard that “communication is key” in relationships. And while it is important, communication is just one piece of the puzzle regarding marriage counseling. But how do you make your communication better? Couples can improve their communication over time and with effort, but the following marriage counseling tips are helpful:

  • Focus on what your spouse says while actively listening to them without interjecting or passing judgment. Reflect on what they are saying and, if necessary, seek clarification.
  • To avoid blaming your spouse, use “I” statements instead of “you” statements. When using “I” statements, you may say, for instance, “I feel worthless when you don’t listen to me” rather than “You never listen to me.”
  • Even if you don’t agree with your partner’s viewpoint or beliefs, respect them regardless. Attempt to understand their perspective and the reasons behind their emotional responses.
  • Consider the situation from your partner’s perspective and think about how they might feel when issues arise. Even if you disagree with their behavior and response to the situation, express empathy for their emotions.
  • Recognize your partner’s communication style and tone. When we have different ways of communicating the same thing without understanding, we can often end up in toxic cycles. An example of this is when one partner shuts down and the other keeps trying harder and “chasing.” This pursue-withdraw cycle can often be fixed with the help of a therapist.
  • Take accountability for your actions and don’t accuse or blame your partner for the problems you might have caused or contributed to. Owning up to any mistakes or poor reactions can help mend your communication and strengthen your relationship.

Improving communication between couples requires effort and patience, but with the right help and guidance, you’ll find you can grow as a couple and strengthen your relationship. But marriage counseling can help with more than communication—and believe it or not, communication isn’t always the most pressing issue.

What Can Couples Counseling Help With?

Counseling can help address many issues within a marriage or relationship, including:

  • Trust
  • Conflict resolution
  • Different values or goals
  • Intimacy & sex
  • Money concerns
  • Communication
  • Family dynamics
  • Life changes
  • Forgiveness

When one spouse feels hurt or betrayed by the other—through actions like cheating, lying, or broken promises—one of you might develop trust concerns. This might even lead to living separately during marriage counseling. In other cases, partners can disagree on important decisions because they have different priorities, values, or personal goals, which can strain the relationship. Other issues like intimacy can lead to feelings of dissatisfaction or disconnection. No matter what it boils down to, you might be struggling to resolve arguments in a healthy and productive way, which can result in continuous tension and frustration. 

In these cases, being open and honest during your sessions about what is impacting your relationship, even if it is a difficult topic, is an essential step to resolving any problems you might be facing. It’s important to remember that these problems can be complicated and it’s not unusual for couples to experience multiple challenges at once.

One essential piece of counseling for marriage problems is developing new ways to approach your relationship. To help couples communicate their needs and feelings more effectively, a counselor will introduce new skills and strategies during the sessions. At Well Marriage Center, we focus on strengths-based counseling where you and your partner can focus on building strong relationships to construct a solid foundation on which your marriage, or relationship, can grow.

How Can Marriage Counseling Help a Couple Improve Their Relationship?

Marriage counseling and couples therapy take commitment from both partners to be successful, so you should not consider it a “quick fix” for marital issues. However, statistics show that counseling does help couples improve, strengthen, and renew relationships. The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy notes that over 75% of couples report improving their relationship after completing counseling. So how can marriage counseling help your relationship?

  • Resolving and managing conflict on important issues
  • Rebuilding trust and healthy patterns after an event such as infidelity and lying
  • Improving intimacy to connect physically and emotionally
  • Establishing open, honest, and respectful communication in a safe space
  • Understanding your partner, their needs, and their perspective
  • Learning new skills to face current and future challenges 
  • Addressing and working through past trauma and habits
  • Understanding emotional development, prior attachments, and coping mechanisms
  • Learning how to build new, healthier neural pathways over time

To start, it’s crucial to build on your relationship’s strengths to lay down the groundwork. After establishing that foundation, you and your partner should discuss your differences and identify areas of agreement. This can help couples resolve challenges and cultivate a more supportive and productive connection. Because a therapist is there for guidance and support, you don’t have to take these problems head-on. Instead, you can repair and rebuild your relationship with the help of an unbiased party. 

With specialized counselors like ours at Well Marriage Center, you can find success in couples therapy exercises that positively reinforce what you’ve learned during your sessions. Using our strengths-based approach, Well Marriage is dedicated to keeping couples together and avoiding separation whenever possible. 

What Do You Discuss in Marriage Counseling?

Marriage counseling is about addressing the problems you’re facing in your relationship. To do this, you’ll have to talk about some pretty difficult subjects—and that’s okay! To help you prepare for these hard discussions, here are some common questions marriage counselors ask:

Let’s Get to Know Each Other

During your intake meeting, your therapist will often begin with questions about you, your partner, and your relationship with one another. Some topics you should expect to discuss include your relationship history and how you got to where you are today. 

  • How did you meet each other?
  • What attracted you to one another?
  • What do you respect about each other?
  • How was your relationship before marriage? (Or in the beginning, for those not married.)
  • What are your expectations for counseling?
  • What challenges would you like to address?

It’s Time to Dive Deeper

Once your therapist gets to know you better as a couple, they will start asking more in-depth questions regarding your relationship.

  • How do you communicate with each other?
  • What are some of your shared values and beliefs?
  • How do you spend time together?
  • How do you handle conflict and disagreements?
  • How do you express love and affection?
  • How do you handle stress and difficult situations as a couple?

Tackle the Problems Head-On

Now come the nitty-gritty questions that might be hard to answer, but will ultimately lead to better results in communication and other relationship skills. To help the couple identify underlying problems, explore delicate subjects, and challenge harmful habits in their relationship, therapists may pose some challenging questions.

  • Do you feel like you can be vulnerable and open with your partner?
  • Are you both committed to making this relationship work?
  • What specific behaviors or actions have hurt your partner in the past?
  • Do you feel that your partner truly understands you and your needs?
  • How have past traumas or experiences impacted your relationship?
  • Do you feel that you are both putting in equal effort to maintain the relationship?

We’ve Finished Treatment, What’s Next?

To help you reflect on your development and gauge the effectiveness of counseling, a therapist may pose several questions at the conclusion of treatment.

  • How do you feel about the progress you have made during counseling?
  • What specific skills or strategies have you learned?
  • Are there any unresolved issues or concerns that you still need to work on as a couple?
  • How have your communication and conflict resolution skills improved?
  • Do you feel that you have gained the tools and resources needed to maintain a healthy relationship?
  • Have you noticed any changes in how you relate to each other outside of the counseling sessions?

This is by no means a comprehensive list of all of the questions you will explore with a marriage counselor, but they provide a snapshot of what you can expect from therapy. With a licensed counselor, you’ll be able to dive into the root causes of your relationship problems, and answering questions openly and honestly is essential to finding success. With Well Marriage’s approach, you can strengthen your relationship and find a deeper connection with your partner. It all starts with a 90-minute initial session and a structured relationship strengths and wellness evaluation.

Questions to Ask During Marriage Counseling

When it comes to marriage counseling questions to strengthen your relationship, you should consider what your goals are for counseling and, ultimately, your marriage. It’s important to keep in mind that you’re working together to find a solution that works best for both of you. However, it’s hard to get to that point without understanding your partner’s perspective or explaining your own. So what should you ask your partner during counseling sessions? Remember that learning valuable communication skills is an important part of marriage counseling, so your questions should reflect your goal of listening to your partner and learning their needs.

  • How do you feel about our relationship as it is? Do you have any expectations?
  • What are your most important needs in our relationship?
  • How do you feel when we argue or disagree?
  • What are the most significant sources of conflict in our relationship?
  • How can I help support you and meet your needs?

Understanding each other’s perspectives is essential to strengthening your relationship. When you ask questions, be sure to ask both pointed questions about your partner and how they feel, as well as questions you can both answer, like “How can we improve our communication with one another?” 

This allows you both to speak your mind and determine what would be best for both of you. Some may worry that a couples therapist is biased. Couples therapists will often spend a session with each partner as individuals to get a stronger sense of the situation, but if you find yourself in a session with a counselor that chooses sides, you should reconsider if that environment is best for you and your partner to strengthen your relationship. A professional counselor like ours here at Well Marriage want to help you renew your relationship and grow stronger together, not pick sides.

Strengthen Your Relationship with Well Marriage Center

With the help of counselors like ours at Well Marriage, you’ll work with a licensed counselor that takes a strengths-based approach to counseling. More than 15,000 couples have benefited from our counseling so far in improving their relationships, healing from past hurts, and finding new intimacy. We provide a clinically supported, scientific approach to repair your relationship and strengthen your future commitment through in-person, virtual, or hybrid sessions. We are the largest Couples Specialty Center in the US for good reason!. If you’d like to learn more about our services or set up an appointment, please reach out to our Intake Coordinator, Melinda, using our intake form.

 

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How Can Couples Improve Their Communication?

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Every relationship has its ups and downs and many couples peg poor communication as the reason for those downs. Relationship communication can strengthen or weaken the bond between two partners depending on how effective it is. And while it is completely normal to have the occasional barrier when talking to one another, prolonged communication issues in relationships can lead to even bigger problems. Before you and your partner get to that point, there are some steps you can take to get your communication back on track. First, though, you need to understand where those problems stem from.

Why Do I Struggle to Communicate With My Partner?

There are several reasons why you may struggle to communicate with your partner. For one, you may not understand your own feelings. You may feel hurt, upset, distant, etc., but you don’t know why you feel that way. Without understanding why you feel the way you do, you have a much harder time conveying to your partner what you need. This can lead to frustration with your partner for misunderstanding you.

You may also struggle to communicate with your partner simply because you were taught growing up to communicate a particular way. Perhaps you were taught to internalize your feelings, which makes it much harder as an adult to communicate them. Or perhaps as a child you unknowingly developed unhealthy or aggressive communication habits or patterns. Additionally, some families have a culture of “asking” or of “guessing” when it comes to meeting needs and expressing wants. For example, some people feel around the edges of a question and feel a need to guess the answer because they don’t feel like it’s appropriate to ask for things directly. All of this can cause you to lash out at or pull away from your partner rather than looking both within yourself and at your partner’s perspective.

Fear can also make it harder for you to communicate with your partner. When you have very real, very raw feelings that you have to share, you have to be vulnerable. You open yourself up to being hurt and potentially hurting your partner. That thought alone can scare many from talking about their feelings. However, this vulnerability is necessary to build trust and forge a strong relationship with your partner.

No matter what reasons there are for the lack of communication in your relationship, know that it’s never too late to work through them. A trained couples therapist like ours here at Well Marriage Center will go beyond the communication exercises you may expect to uncover the root issue(s) behind your struggle to communicate. From there, you and your partner can both learn to heal and move forward together.

What Can a Couple Do to Develop Their Communication Skills?

There are a few ways to improve communication in a relationship, one of which is to take the time to think through why you feel the way you do and how best to communicate that to your partner. When you truly understand your feelings, you’ll have a much easier time expressing them to your partner. Remember that when you do, use an assertive style of communication as opposed to an aggressive one. This style emphasizes openness and honesty while also respecting your partner and their feelings as well. Respectful communication in relationships is the first step to understanding your partner and working through problems as a team rather than as opponents.

Part of respectful communication, too, is listening to your partner. That does not mean that you listen to figure out what you want to say next or to prove your point. Rather, it means listening with your heart open so that you can understand why your partner feels as they do or has been acting a particular way. Listening in this way will also allow you to empathize with your partner.

Once you share your feelings and listen to those of your partner, you’ll have a much simpler time finding common ground with them. That means that, even if you do not agree on something or have been hurt by the other person, you can compromise and make a plan to move forward. It means that no matter what problems arise or what disagreements you have, you are still in the person’s corner when they need you. Finding common ground breeds trust and respect in relationships.

Improving communication won’t happen overnight. And it’s completely normal to have no idea where to start or how to work through previous trauma. Many couples turn to marriage therapy and relationship counseling to help with improving their communication, and that’s a great step to take! We at Well Marriage Center want your relationship to succeed as much as you do. We will give you the support you need every step through your journey towards effective communication.

Well Marriage Center: The Place for Effective Couples Communication Therapy

If you and your partner want to learn how to overcome barriers in communication, turn to Well Marriage Center. Our therapists have worked with thousands of couples and have seen all sorts of styles of communication. They also know how to find the deeper issue causing your problems so that you not only work through your current slump in communication, but can better communicate in future disagreements as well. Get started with one of our therapists and see a world of difference in your relationship.



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What Are Healthy Communication Styles for Couples?

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If you’re reading this, you’ve likely heard “communication is key” for any healthy relationship. While that is true, there is a lot more to that idea than meets the eye. Communication, like a key, can open the door to your partner’s heart (and your own as well). But with that, it’s important to know that communication styles, like keys, aren’t universal. Some “keys” that work for certain people may not for others. Some “keys” are bad to use on any person. And the truth is, there is no one-size-fits all, “master key” for relationship communication. Every couple is different because each person is unique, carrying their own personalities, past traumas, and relationship needs. It’s up to the couples to figure that out—together.

So, how can loving couples learn which communication styles are “keys” for their relationship? Some of that knowledge develops naturally, as partners learn more about each other. But seeing a couples counselor is another great way to improve communication—and it’s not just for struggling couples, either. Therapists give you an objective, expert perspective, which can be helpful for any relationship, regardless of how new (or old) it is. One of the reasons for this is that therapists help couples understand—and practice—healthy communication. What are some healthy communication examples? Let’s go over a few basic guidelines together.

What Is Healthy Communication in a Relationship?

Ultimately, every relationship is unique, and so is each relationship’s version of healthy communication. But to get to that point, you must first establish ground rules that encourage respect, trust, and vulnerability. With that in mind, we at Well Marriage are happy to share a few good starting points.

Healthy communication in a relationship will almost always include the following:

  • Know yourself, and your needs—then share them. This is arguably the most important step, because you are the only person who is an expert on, well, you! In relationships, it’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking your partner is a mind-reader, or that they “should just know” what you need from them. It’s never good to assume your partner fully understands your needs or knows how their actions impact your feelings. This is especially true when dating someone with a different communication style than you (which we’ll cover later in this article). Knowing your relationship needs can be quite challenging, but a therapist can really help you discover them.
  • Listen to understand, rather than to respond. Listening to your partner is a sign of love and respect; it’s also an act of deep intimacy. But there is a clear difference between “hearing” what someone says and truly “listening.” Active listening involves devoting your attention not just to your partner’s words, but their tone, delivery, and other nonverbal cues. Listening also involves acknowledging your partner as they speak, withholding judgment until they’re finished talking, and asking questions to clarify what they say. Besides, if you’re already formulating your response as your partner is talking, you’re not only ignoring them, but you are acting on incomplete information. Listening can be especially challenging when you’re discussing something contentious or arguing, but that is perhaps when listening well is most important.
  • Speak through a lens of how things make you feel. Our feelings are not just deeply personal and unique to us, they also give our loved ones a roadmap for how to meet our needs. When your partner upsets you in some way, it can be tempting to criticize them. But not only is criticism unhealthy for a relationship, it will not help your partner understand what you want. Always try to express things through “I” statements, rather than “you” statements; this will help you center your emotions, rather than attacking your partner. An example of this is choosing to say “I feel hurt when you don’t help me clean the kitchen,” rather than, “you never want to help clean up.”  
  • Validate your partner’s feelings and experiences. Truthfully, you will not always understand your partner’s emotions. And you will not always agree on how to interpret what happens in your relationship. But even in those times, it’s important to respect your partner’s feelings. Emotions cannot be “right” or “wrong”—they just are—so you must trust that your partner will speak authentically about their feelings. And likewise, they must trust you will do the same. Validating does not have to equal agreement, it can be as simple as expressing “I understand how that must make you feel.” From there, you can work on solutions or compromises.

What Communication Styles Are Needed for Healthy Relationships?

While every relationship’s specific communication patterns will vary, there is a general style that couples should aim for: assertive communication. Assertiveness is one of the four basic communication styles, which are:

  • Passive | Avoids conflict, often letting their partner make all the decisions
  • Aggressive | Embraces conflict, often dominating and controlling the relationship
  • Passive-Aggressive | Knows what they want but has trouble voicing it, leading to resentment
  • Assertive | Clearly expresses their needs and wants, while respecting others’ needs and wants

Assertive communication styles are direct but respectful. Being assertive means boldly expressing your feelings or desires and asking direct questions, while ensuring that others can do the same. But not everyone knows how to communicate assertively, and even if they do, they may still struggle with it or not know how to respond to assertive communications. Many people likely fall back onto one of the other communication styles—whether it’s from past trauma, unmet needs, or not being fully in touch with their emotions. 

What Is the Hardest Communication Style To Deal With?

This is largely subjective, as each style can be hard to work with, for different reasons. Aggressive people can be domineering and stubborn, but passive people can feel inaccessible and “far away” to their partner. And passive-aggressive people tend to let things build up until they reach a boiling point. In each of these situations, an experienced therapist helps couples bridge the initial communication gap, then gives them the tools to do that on their own.

Learn Healthy Communication With Well Marriage

Communication is key, and with the right key, you and your partner can unlock the door to a better relationship. Our therapists can help you discover what “keys” will best fit your relationship and give you strategies to improve your communication daily. It can be challenging to know what to do when you struggle to communicate with your partner. Even if your relationship isn’t struggling, you may just want a way to deepen your relationship and have more intimacy. At Well Marriage, we’re passionate about giving couples the tools they need to build a happy, deep, thriving partnership—together.

If you’d like to learn more about how we can strengthen your relationship’s communication, reach out to us and schedule an appointment today!

 

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Stages of Healing After Infidelity

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We understand that affairs hurt. If you are struggling with the  effects of infidelity in your relationship, the first thing to know is that you are absolutely not alone. Infidelity is one of the biggest reasons many couples seek out marriage counseling, and working through the complex emotions that come with cheating is much easier with professional help that specializes in affair recovery.

The good news is that many couples are able to work through the intense pain caused by infidelity and go on to have happy and fulfilling relationships or marriages. This is especially true when both partners want the relationship  to continue and are willing to put in the time and work it takes to process  through the stages of healing after infidelity.

Even when couples decide to break up after an affair, therapeutic healing can help each individual with the damaging emotions and trauma, like shame, anger, grief, and even PTSD that follows.

People who are dealing with infidelity want to know things like “How long does the pain from infidelity last?” Because the desire to know how and when you might be able to recover from cheating is so common, let’s look at  several ways to think about the stages of affair recovery. These include:

  • the betrayed spouse cycle
  • the stages of grief after infidelity
  • the stages of couples therapy after infidelity

These different breakdowns of how recovery can look give a helpful framework for many people to understand what may be in store for them. But it’s important to remember that rebuilding your relationship after cheating will not be a perfectly linear path, and each couples’ experiences will be unique to them.

What Are the Stages of Recovery from Infidelity?

There are four common stages that the betrayed spouse often goes through when dealing with infidelity, sometimes also called the betrayed spouse cycle. Although there aren’t exact timelines for how long each stage lasts, they do typically occur in this order.

  • Discovery – Ground zero,when a partner first learns about the affair. This includes feelings of shock, confusion, and disbelief.
  • Reaction – After processing the initial shock, the betrayed spouse experiences a rollercoaster of emotional reactions, often including anger, fear, distrust, denial, and obsessive thoughts.
  • Beginning to Forgive – When the initial reactions and emotions have been worked through, partners can start to examine and accept why the cheating happened and start to think about the future of the relationship.
  • Recommitment and Reconciliation – Partners are able to move past the affair and create the new version of their relationship with infidelity as just one piece of their overall story. 

What Are the 5 Stages of Grief With Infidelity?

After the shock and discovery of unfaithfulness, grief is a common emotion. The partner that was cheated on will likely mourn the loss of the relationship as they knew it, and the broken trust that comes with the betrayal. They often wonder if everything about their partnership was a lie. But do the cheaters grieve, too? Oftentimes yes. The person who was unfaithful is also dealing with a complicated set of emotions that can include shame, guilt, grief, and sadness. 

Many people struggling to deal with infidelity find it helpful to apply the idea of the stages of grief to their cheating spouse reaction. Although not everyone experiences each stage and they can occur in any order, these stages are:

  1. Denial
  2. Anger
  3. Bargaining
  4. Depression
  5. Acceptance

It can be a real challenge for couples to deal with all the strong emotions infidelity brings up for both parties. It’s important to center the needs of the betrayed spouse while not neglecting the emotional turmoil that the unfaithful partner is experiencing. This approach helps a couple move together through this process. Helping each partner share their truth is something a professional therapist trained in infidelity recovery will help couples navigate. 

This framework typically applies most during the reaction stage of infidelity recovery and relates to the impact of infidelity on the betrayed spouse. During this phase especially, working with an experienced marriage counselor can be vital. It is extremely important that the person who was cheated on is given the support they need to process their understandable emotions, while also protecting the relationship as a whole so partners have the option to reconcile. This is a very delicate balance and will be made much easier if there is a neutral moderator in attendance.

What Are the Stages of Marriage Counseling After Cheating?

At Well Marriage, our experienced clinicians don’t necessarily all follow one specific approach, because every situation is different. But there is a rhythm of how a specialist will work with couples after affairs. This can be broken down into two stages.

Stage One: Emoting

There will be strong emotions on both sides after infidelity is discovered. If a couple is willing to work with a therapist to try and save their relationship or marriage, that does not mean that one or both partners don’t still have many strong emotions about the situation. Understandably, the betrayed spouse often feels hurt and angry, and wonders what happens if the pain of infidelity never goes away. At the same time, the partner who stepped out is often wrestling with their own feelings of unworthiness, guilt, and defensiveness. 

During this stage, an inexperienced counselor or friends that a couple might confide in for support tend to focus on the problem. Discussions can spiral out of control quickly. Unguided personal attacks on the cheating partner and other unproductive negative conversations about the relationship as a whole can irreparably damage the relationship. 

But a couples therapist who is experienced in guiding people through these conversations can help protect both partners and the relationship as a whole. This can be similar to a delicate dance, allowing each individual to share their emotions without making it harder for them to ultimately reconcile if that is what they choose. A therapist can help the partner who was cheated on share their complex emotions AND the cheating partner hear it in a way that’s helpful to them and to the relationship going forward.

Stage Two: Root Causes and Next Steps

Once the biggest and most intense emotions have been worked through, the next stage of therapy is to look at what was happening in the relationship before the cheating. This isn’t done to justify the cheater’s actions or minimize the emotions of either spouse. Instead it’s to allow them to work together to find a way forward after infidelity in a healthier and closer way. This is a time when a trained therapist can help the partners identify patterns of behavior in the relationship that weren’t working before and give each person skills to deal with them differently.

Let’s look at a hypothetical example of a common scenario we see in infidelity recovery. Marcia and Tim have been married for 10 years and have two young kids. Marcia’s main focus in this life stage is on meeting all the needs of the children, and there isn’t enough time for her to also focus on her romantic relationship with her husband. Tim doesn’t have the emotional maturity or skills to identify his need for more connection or to take the lead on it himself. Tim is unfaithful to Marcia in a misguided attempt to meet his own emotional needs. He then feels intense guilt and shame for his actions and confesses the infidelity. Tim knows he wants his marriage to continue, and he finds a marriage counselor to help.

After the strongest emotions have been unpacked during stage one of Marcia and Tim’s counseling, their therapist guides them into stage two. The counselor helps them learn to identify their emotional issues as they are happening, instead of coasting along without connection through their relationship. They acquire new skills of asking for what they each need, and slowly build back trust in the partnership. Together, Marcia and Tim rebuild a stronger marriage where everyone’s needs are met in a healthy and productive way.

Although this story has  been generalized and simplified, this kind of result really does happen for thousands of couples who have worked through infidelity recovery with Well Marriage Counseling. Infidelity is a huge hurdle for couples to cross, but with the right support and willing participation of both partners, it is absolutely possible for relationships to come out stronger on the other side. 

Our therapists get letters from couples months after their therapy journey has ended, telling us that affair recovery was the gateway to a fuller, better relationship. That it was the “shock to the system” that made them really come together and ask the hard questions about if they should stay together and what they wanted their relationship to look like in the long run. 

This isn’t true in every case, but if both partners know they want to try and save their relationship and are willing to come to therapy and put in the effort, there is a lot of hope for healing. At Well Marriage Counseling, we are a relationship positive space and will work with you to save your relationship if that’s what both parties want. We have seen firsthand the positive results that are possible with the right kind of help, and we want to help you get there too.

 Does Infidelity Pain Ever Go Away?

For the partner who has just discovered their spouse’s unfaithfulness, the rollercoaster of emotions can be overwhelming and debilitating. You might find yourself asking questions like:

  • How long does the shock of infidelity last?
  • How do I stop obsessing over being cheated on?
  • How do I let go of pain caused by infidelity?

The answers are that the pain caused by this betrayal will take time to lessen and will always be part of the story of this relationship. But it lessens significantly as time goes on. The shock and disbelief will last a relatively short time, typically during the first discovery stage. Then, as a person moves into the reaction phase and processes their feelings with a therapist, they can come to terms with the infidelity so that it no longer is the defining feature of the relationship or their own, personal life story.

The long-term infidelity effects have been likened to a ball, bouncing inside a box. At first the infidelity has huge power and energy, and bounces off the walls causing pain almost continually. But over time, it lessens and only bumps into a wall occasionally, until it finally stops altogether. The ball will always be inside the box, just like the affair will always be a part of the relationship story. But it will eventually lose most of its power to hurt, and the relationship will no longer be defined by this cheating.

What Is a Good Way to Start Healing After An Affair?

Getting help from someone experienced in affair recovery is a good first step. Going through the trauma, PTSD, and harmful emotions of an affair is a big deal, and getting the right help matters. Infidelity and affair recovery is one of the most common relationship and  marital challenges we encounter at Well Marriage Center, and we have helped thousands of couples work through it and come out stronger on the other side. Even if ending the marriage is the final decision of the couple, having the care and support of a knowledgeable therapist can help both partners find the healing they need to move forward separately.

Although the pain of infidelity can feel insurmountable, there is hope for a brighter tomorrow. Contact us today to begin your healing journey. You can also read more about this on our blog or find a therapist near you. 

 

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Couples Therapy Techniques

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Marriage counseling and couples therapy (we use the terms interchangeably) can have a hugely positive impact, with studies showing over 90% of couples finding it helpful. But there are so many different techniques that can be used in couples therapy, how do you know which one is the best fit for you? We’ve prepared this helpful guide to answer just that, breaking down some of the most popular and effective marriage counseling techniques below. 

All of our therapists here at Well Marriage have studied these techniques, and more, extensively, as they’ve devoted their careers to helping couples specifically. We’ve gone in depth to make sure we know the most up to date practices and proven scientific approaches that help all interpersonal relationships, including how to handle vulnerability, complex pasts, and communication issues. Here are some of the techniques your therapist here  might combine and engage in your unique and customized session.

What Is the Best Therapy for Relationship Problems?

The best therapy option for your relationship will depend on you and your partner’s life experiences, what your relationship challenges are, and the skill and expertise of your therapist. The best results from therapy will occur when both partners are willing and able to really commit to improving the relationship, and when evidence-based therapy techniques are used by a skilled therapist. 

So can couples therapy help with your relationship? We think so! Our counselors use a variety of evidence-based techniques during sessions and will take you both through the couples therapy exercises that are most likely to be effective for you. 

Some of the best supported techniques that will be incorporated include:

  1. The Gottman Method
  2. Developmental Model of Couples therapy
  3. Imago Therapy
  4. Emotionally Supported
  5. Behavioral Marital Therapy

What Is Gottman Method Couples Therapy?

John Gottman is a psychotherapist that has researched and published many studies on relationship theory, starting in the 1990’s. He has been listed as one of the most influential therapists of the last quarter century. His eponymously named Gottman couples therapy techniques also known as the “Gottman method” is well respected in the field.

So what is Gottman therapy? It is a technique that works to improve marriage functioning by avoiding behaviors found to hurt relationships. Gottman studied divorce and developed a successful divorce prediction method he called “The Four Horsemen,”– behaviors that herald the end of many relationships. These communication and conflict styles often flow into each other in unhealthy relationships, in what Gottman called the Cascade Model of Relational Dissolution. His four key predictors for divorce are: 

  1. Criticism – Couples regularly turn conversations or normal complaints into personal attacks. Statements frequently begin with things like “You always…’ or “You never…” 
  2. Defensiveness – Partners respond to frequent criticism with counter attacks or denial of their responsibility. This often leads to increased criticism and unproductive communication.
  3. Contempt (highest predictor of divorce) – Spouses lose respect for each other, and view themselves as far superior. This behavior can be seen as frequent mocking, hostility, cynicism and sarcasm.
  4. Stonewalling – Mates eventually shut down completely, withdrawing from communication and interaction. When conversation does occur, it’s usually unproductive and hostile.

The Gottman Method uses nine positive components to support couples in breaking these harmful methods of communication and conflict. These are called the “Sound Relationship House” and are meant to strengthen the core of a couple’s intimacy and understanding. They are:

  1. Love Maps – Ask questions designed for partners to get to know each other on a deeper level.
  2. Like Each Other More – Focus on this newfound understanding so the couple develops more fondness and admiration for each other.
  3. Turn Toward Each Other – Notice the other’s needs and bids for affection and try to respond to create more connection.
  4. Positive Perspective – Assume the best of your mate instead of criticizing.
  5. Conflict Management – Think about the other spouse’s feelings when issues arise and work toward more productive dialogue instead of fighting.
  6. Mutual Support – Work together to help each other reach life goals.
  7. Shared Meaning – Develop traditions as a couple that have significance to you both.
  8. Trust – Rely on each other as a source of strength.
  9. Commitment – Dedicate time and energy to the happiness of the relationship and each other.

What is the Developmental Model & What to Expect from Couples Therapy using the Developmental Model?

The developmental model of couples therapy was developed in the 1980’s and it focuses on the effects of development in relationships. The basic concept is that the individuals within a relationship progress through different developmental stages over time, similar to childhood developmental stages. 

This theory predicts that most relationship conflicts happen when the two partners are in different developmental stages. Using this model, couple therapy questions can be used to tell which stage each partner is in at the time, so they can work towards the same developmental stage in the future.

These stages are:

  • Bonding – when couples start to fall in love and crave closeness, the “honeymoon period” 
  • Differentiation – when partners discover their differences and learn to resolve conflict
  • Practicing – when each person develops independence and their own interests outside of the relationship
  • Rapprochement – when spouses return to each other after practicing independence
  • Synergy – when both parties experience true intimacy and are stronger together than apart

Dr. Ellyn Bader has deepened our understanding of the Developmental Model in Couples Therapy through her research and training at the Couples Institute in San Francisco. All therapists at Well Marriage Center have completed her year-long “Developmental Model for Couples Therapy” training program. It focuses on attachment, differentiation (at its core, this is how emotionally mature we are as individuals), and recent advances in neuroscience. It’s a Gold Standard training program. 

What Are Some Communication Exercises for Couples Using Imago Therapy?

Imago therapy builds on the idea that everyone’s childhood experiences shape who they are as adults, and that relationship issues can arise from these childhood happenings. So if a partner grew up in a house with a lot of criticism from a parent, they might be very sensitive to a partner’s criticism, or be very critical themselves.

We all understand that our childhood experiences affect our development, attachment styles, and how we communicate and approach conflict as an adult.

So how does Imago therapy help with couples therapy exercises for communication? There are several ways this therapy helps partners identify negative childhood experiences that have caused relationship breakdowns, then address these issues constructively. Some of these include:

  • Go to a Happy Place – During a therapy session, parts of our brains are very reactive. Finding a mental space where an individual feels safe can make it easier for them to have a constructive session.
  • Practice Mirrored Listening – When one spouse speaks, the other spouse can layer their own interpretation over what was actually said. Repeating what your partner says back to them, called mirroring, can show them that you heard what they really said and make it easier to create empathy. For example, during a heated discussion if one mate says “There are dirty dishes in the sink and it makes me mad”, the other could say “I hear you telling me that the dirty dishes made you angry.” Perhaps very simple, but practicing this can have benefits for all sorts of future conflict and resolution.
  • See Your Partner as an Ally – Instead of viewing a current relationship as following the same negative patterns you’ve experienced in the past, look at it as a means for growth. Identify which part of the issue is about the here and now, and which part is about childhood concerns.
  • Set Aside Time to Talk – Expressing your feelings is important in relationships, to avoid frustration and resentment. But expressing anger or sadness in the moment can be challenging. Imago therapy encourages a couple to make regular appointments to talk about their anger or other issues in a safe and controlled way. Giving time and space for both parties to be ready for this kind of conversation makes talks more productive for everyone.

Therapists may use this approach alone or, more typically, combined with other practices that help heal the complex divides that can spring up between individuals over time. Generally speaking, all models are combined by the therapist in some form or another that is catered to a couple’s unique situation.

What Are Some Couple Therapy Exercises Based on Emotionally Focused Therapy?

Emotionally focused therapy is built on the idea that someone’s emotions aren’t just responses to experiences, but are the basis for how humans structure their lives. This guiding principle is then used in couples therapy to rebuild or strengthen emotional bonds in couples first, which will then allow couples to constructively resolve their issues later.

Some good couple therapy exercises based on emotionally focused principles include:

  • Slowing Down and Being Present – Making a conscious effort to pause in the routines of daily life to connect with your partner matters. This could look like pausing when you first get home to hug and kiss instead of immediately starting chores or vegging on your phone.
  • Being Emotionally Engaged and Responsive – Showing your spouse that you are ready and able to have a real connection is key here. Uncross your arms and lean toward them while they share things about their day. When they reach for your hand, reach back and show them you are also ready for physical closeness.
  • Creating Intentional Connection Times – Incorporating rituals as a couple around times and ways you connect is important to reinforce emotional bonding. Some common examples are greeting each other with a kiss when you wake up, setting aside a specific ‘date night’ to spend quality time together, or signing up for a joint activity you both enjoy.

Which Is an Example of Something Done in Behavioral Marital Therapy?

Behavioral marital therapy is a collective term for a variety of techniques that use the theory that actions reinforced are more likely to be repeated. The basis for behavioral couples therapy techniques is to have couples practice productive communication and provide positive reinforcement for good behavior. This is similar to cognitive behavioral therapy, but centers around relationships specifically.

For example, a couple might have frequent disagreements about who should do the dishes. In a behavioral marital therapy session, a therapist encourages them to discuss this problem using the positive communication styles they have been learning. 

  • Partner 1: “I get angry when I ask you to do the dishes and you never get around to it”. 
  • Therapist: Gently points out that there was criticism in this start to the conversation, and suggests that trying some validation and giving a specific example.
  • Partner 1: “I know you are working really hard, doing an extra computer class in the evenings to support our family, and I appreciate it. But I need help with some of the housework sometimes too. It hurt me last night when you didn’t follow through when I asked you to help with the dishes.”
  • Partner 2: “I know I got caught up in my work last night and didn’t do what you asked, and I’m sorry. I want to show you that I appreciate your time as well, and I’ll work harder to help with housework when you ask.”

Well Marriage: Evidence Based Techniques for Better Relationships

At Well Marriage, we know that every relationship is unique and deserves specialized attention. Our therapists all focus on relationships, which includes marriage and couples counseling, and stay up-to-date on the latest proven techniques. We have worked with over 15,000 couples in person or via video sessions and have the experience to help you and your partner fall in love all over again. 

Our therapists often combine these, and other, techniques that is catered to help in a couple’s specific situation, no matter how trivial or tough it seems.

Please explore our website to see more of what we can offer you, then schedule an appointment with our intake coordinator Melinda to take the next step on your relationship journey.