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Can a Marriage Survive Lack of Communication?

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Are you struggling to have conversations with your partner? Even with the small things, it can feel pretty overwhelming and lonely when there is no communication in a relationship. The fact is, relationship communication helps build a foundation for you and your partner to succeed together. 

While there are several solutions to the lack of communication in marriage or relationship, it’s important to understand what causes these issues in the first place and how to move past them. Let’s look at how you can identify communication problems in your marriage and how to address them.

What Causes Lack of Communication in Marriage?

There are several reasons why communication can suffer in a relationship. Whether it’s using different types of communication in marriage, having different goals, or even stress, identifying the root of your communication issues is important. What are some of the common causes in detail?

  • Different communication styles can lead to misunderstandings when trying to talk about any concerns regarding your relationship. People communicate in four different ways: passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive, and assertive. If you are aggressive and loud, while your partner is passive and quiet, it can be difficult to connect on a deeper level. In fact, this can even increase conflict between you and your partner. You should take the time to understand both your and your partner’s communication styles, so you can adjust your approach accordingly. It’s also important to note that these styles develop in childhood, and can be difficult to change without a therapist.
  • Lack of emotional intimacy can lead to an emotional disconnection—which can compel a partner to stonewall or avoid conversations in general. Whether there is a fear of vulnerability or simply a difficulty finding quality time with your partner, when there is emotional detachment, it can be hard to have intimacy. You and your partner can address this by providing daily affirmations and compliments, engaging in physical intimacy, and spending intentional one-on-one time together.
  • Different expectations or goals in your relationship might make it hard to connect with your partner. If the problem is financial, family-driven, or caused by other factors, having different expectations can hurt your relationship. If you and your partner practice compassion and consider each other’s feelings and perspectives, you’ll find you can compromise. Ultimately, it’s clear that if you show respect, you’ll likely get respect in return. 
  • Stress can make it tedious for anyone to communicate effectively. Sometimes outside influences, like work or an illness in the family, can be the problem. But it’s also important to recognize that arguments and neglect, even lack of sleep, can increase stress in a relationship. Make sure you and your partner are there for each other—ask how you can help and listen to their needs. Work together on reducing stressors in both your lives, and within the relationship as well.
  • Lack of trust or security affects how you and your partner communicate. Without trust, it can be difficult to be open and honest with one another. If you both can acknowledge concerns that lead to lowered trust, as well as make each other feel secure, you’ll find that your trust can be rebuilt. Once this line of communication is reopened, it will be easier to vocalize your feelings and concerns.
  • Physical or mental health issues are an unfortunate part of living and they can take a toll on partners. On one hand, a partner struggling with these ailments can have a difficult time connecting with the other. On the other hand, a partner helping take care of the person struggling can find it to be incredibly overwhelming. Setting boundaries and creating a wellness plan are a few ways to help alleviate some of the stressors regarding health issues.

 

While there can be several reasons for the lack of communication in a relationship, in the end, it is important that you’re able to voice your concerns with your partner. Whether that’s with the help of a licensed therapist or through exercises at home, you’ll discover a deeper understanding of your partner and issues that lead to poor communication. At Well Marriage Center, you’ll find help restoring your relationship while addressing any concerns you may have as a couple. Even deep-seated problems can be turned around by focusing on your strengths as a couple. 

How Many Marriages Fail Because of Lack of Communication?

The American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers (AAML) found that 67.5% of unsuccessful marriages were the result of poor communication or a lack of communication skills. It can be argued that this is because lasting connections are built and maintained using effective communication. Unfortunately, misunderstandings and dissatisfaction can develop when there’s a breakdown in communication between partners. Those issues can also lead to feelings of detachment and discontent.

However, it’s crucial to keep in mind that unresolved issues, like lack of trust or disagreements, are frequently connected to communication problems in relationships. That’s to say, poor communication isn’t the source of the problem, but rather a byproduct of something deeper. Fortunately, it’s more than possible for couples to address any underlying challenges and concentrate on strengthening their communication. That’s where Well Marriage Center comes in. We can help you address any unresolved issues that you’re facing as a couple by focusing on what you’re doing right to boost your confidence and rekindle the flame. 

How Can We Solve Poor Communication in Marriage?

If you’re looking for ways to improve communication in marriage, speaking with a licensed marriage counselor is a step in the right direction. At Well Marriage Center, we specialize in strength-based therapy, which focuses on identifying and building upon your strengths as a couple. We believe that by highlighting the positive aspects of your relationship, we can help you overcome communication barriers and create a stronger, more fulfilling marriage. 

Don’t let poor communication stop you and your partner from trying to connect. If you feel like your relationship has hit a roadblock and communication has become burdensome, set up an appointment today with our intake coordinator, Melinda.

 

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Is Marriage Counseling Worth It After Infidelity?

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Yes—it certainly is. If you’re wondering “Can therapy help with cheating, really?” we at Well Marriage Center are here to tell you that recovery is not only possible, but easier to start than you might think. We’re happy to share some things about how helpful marriage counseling can be for any partnership.

Overcoming infidelity can feel impossible—whether you’re the one who was cheated on or the one who was unfaithful. Marriage counseling gives couples a much better chance at affair recovery. If both partners are willing to approach the healing process together with transparency, vulnerability, and an open ear, there are very few things that cannot be worked through. While recovery will be a challenging endeavor, with the right therapist by your side, the process of healing infidelity wounds is more than possible. Let’s answer some common questions partners may have about infidelity, including:

  • What helps couples rebuild their relationship after infidelity?
  • How do therapists help couples heal their marriage?
  • Will my marriage ever be the same again?

How Can Couples Rebuild After Cheating?

Healing starts with each partner committing to repairing the relationship. A therapist can help with this commitment by providing a space where each person can explain what they need to feel heard, seen, and have their feelings validated throughout the process. While couples technically can work on their relationship without a therapist, having a relationship-friendly counselor provides a more objective, professional perspective from someone with a vast amount of experience.

Additionally, therapists provide exercises or frameworks to guide couples through their unique situations, all while creating a neutral space to discuss the marriage. The initial path to recovery is somewhat universal, but that will begin to diverge quickly as couples address the specifics of their partnership. A therapist uses their many techniques to approach infidelity recovery in a way that is just right for you and your partner.

*Even if a couple decides to separate after such a traumatic shock, therapy can help them overcome the long-term effects of infidelity as individuals.

How Do Therapists Handle Affairs?

Couples therapy after infidelity will generally start with two steps: allowing the partner who was cheated on to express their feelings, then examining what was going on before the cheating occurred.

During the first step, therapists provide space for the partner who was cheated on to openly express their emotions, often while their partner is listening. This step can be quite painful for both partners, which only underlines why having a counselor present is helpful. Feelings of betrayal, anger, sadness, and even embarrassment are all complex things to understand alone, or even with your partner. But with the outside perspective of a counselor, these feelings are easier to unpack and understand.

The second step involves looking at the relationship as a whole, prior to the cheating. Here, we begin to understand what patterns existed before and how each partner was perhaps not having their needs met in the marriage. Having a counselor present ensures that both sides have their feelings validated, and that even the person who cheated is able to express themselves. Then, a plan for recovery can form.

Each of those steps will have their own timeline, and each of them may require revisiting multiple times. The healing process is non-linear, but with commitment, there is a way to a better future. While the beginning process is essentially universal, the step-by-step stages of forgiving infidelity will look different for each partnership—and each partner.

Can a Relationship Go Back to Normal After Infidelity?

Yes and no. While moving forward is definitely possible, it’s important to know that your marriage will need to change, and in some ways, it already has. Cheating is a massive shock to a marriage, but this shock does not have to define the marriage forever. If anything, cheating can sometimes be the catalyst to a much deeper connection—one that is forged through undergoing an intentional healing process. 

Many couples who suffer from infidelity emerge with an even better relationship, but that requires leaving old ways behind. Remember, therapy is not about going back to the way things were—that’s what led the relationship to its current state. What you really want is to establish a new ‘normal’—a better ‘normal’ that encourages healthy communication, vulnerability, and addressing each partner’s needs. And with a therapist’s help, this new normal is entirely achievable.

Ready To Move Forward? Well Marriage Is Here

No matter how dark things seem, there is always hope for a brighter day. Well Marriage is here for you and your partner, and together we can build a road to that brighter day for your partnership. When you’re ready, reach out to Melinda and schedule an appointment. We’ll be here when you need us.

 

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Couples Therapy Techniques

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Marriage counseling and couples therapy (we use the terms interchangeably) can have a hugely positive impact, with studies showing over 90% of couples finding it helpful. But there are so many different techniques that can be used in couples therapy, how do you know which one is the best fit for you? We’ve prepared this helpful guide to answer just that, breaking down some of the most popular and effective marriage counseling techniques below. 

All of our therapists here at Well Marriage have studied these techniques, and more, extensively, as they’ve devoted their careers to helping couples specifically. We’ve gone in depth to make sure we know the most up to date practices and proven scientific approaches that help all interpersonal relationships, including how to handle vulnerability, complex pasts, and communication issues. Here are some of the techniques your therapist here  might combine and engage in your unique and customized session.

What Is the Best Therapy for Relationship Problems?

The best therapy option for your relationship will depend on you and your partner’s life experiences, what your relationship challenges are, and the skill and expertise of your therapist. The best results from therapy will occur when both partners are willing and able to really commit to improving the relationship, and when evidence-based therapy techniques are used by a skilled therapist. 

So can couples therapy help with your relationship? We think so! Our counselors use a variety of evidence-based techniques during sessions and will take you both through the couples therapy exercises that are most likely to be effective for you. 

Some of the best supported techniques that will be incorporated include:

  1. The Gottman Method
  2. Developmental Model of Couples therapy
  3. Imago Therapy
  4. Emotionally Supported
  5. Behavioral Marital Therapy

What Is Gottman Method Couples Therapy?

John Gottman is a psychotherapist that has researched and published many studies on relationship theory, starting in the 1990’s. He has been listed as one of the most influential therapists of the last quarter century. His eponymously named Gottman couples therapy techniques also known as the “Gottman method” is well respected in the field.

So what is Gottman therapy? It is a technique that works to improve marriage functioning by avoiding behaviors found to hurt relationships. Gottman studied divorce and developed a successful divorce prediction method he called “The Four Horsemen,”– behaviors that herald the end of many relationships. These communication and conflict styles often flow into each other in unhealthy relationships, in what Gottman called the Cascade Model of Relational Dissolution. His four key predictors for divorce are: 

  1. Criticism – Couples regularly turn conversations or normal complaints into personal attacks. Statements frequently begin with things like “You always…’ or “You never…” 
  2. Defensiveness – Partners respond to frequent criticism with counter attacks or denial of their responsibility. This often leads to increased criticism and unproductive communication.
  3. Contempt (highest predictor of divorce) – Spouses lose respect for each other, and view themselves as far superior. This behavior can be seen as frequent mocking, hostility, cynicism and sarcasm.
  4. Stonewalling – Mates eventually shut down completely, withdrawing from communication and interaction. When conversation does occur, it’s usually unproductive and hostile.

The Gottman Method uses nine positive components to support couples in breaking these harmful methods of communication and conflict. These are called the “Sound Relationship House” and are meant to strengthen the core of a couple’s intimacy and understanding. They are:

  1. Love Maps – Ask questions designed for partners to get to know each other on a deeper level.
  2. Like Each Other More – Focus on this newfound understanding so the couple develops more fondness and admiration for each other.
  3. Turn Toward Each Other – Notice the other’s needs and bids for affection and try to respond to create more connection.
  4. Positive Perspective – Assume the best of your mate instead of criticizing.
  5. Conflict Management – Think about the other spouse’s feelings when issues arise and work toward more productive dialogue instead of fighting.
  6. Mutual Support – Work together to help each other reach life goals.
  7. Shared Meaning – Develop traditions as a couple that have significance to you both.
  8. Trust – Rely on each other as a source of strength.
  9. Commitment – Dedicate time and energy to the happiness of the relationship and each other.

What is the Developmental Model & What to Expect from Couples Therapy using the Developmental Model?

The developmental model of couples therapy was developed in the 1980’s and it focuses on the effects of development in relationships. The basic concept is that the individuals within a relationship progress through different developmental stages over time, similar to childhood developmental stages. 

This theory predicts that most relationship conflicts happen when the two partners are in different developmental stages. Using this model, couple therapy questions can be used to tell which stage each partner is in at the time, so they can work towards the same developmental stage in the future.

These stages are:

  • Bonding – when couples start to fall in love and crave closeness, the “honeymoon period” 
  • Differentiation – when partners discover their differences and learn to resolve conflict
  • Practicing – when each person develops independence and their own interests outside of the relationship
  • Rapprochement – when spouses return to each other after practicing independence
  • Synergy – when both parties experience true intimacy and are stronger together than apart

Dr. Ellyn Bader has deepened our understanding of the Developmental Model in Couples Therapy through her research and training at the Couples Institute in San Francisco. All therapists at Well Marriage Center have completed her year-long “Developmental Model for Couples Therapy” training program. It focuses on attachment, differentiation (at its core, this is how emotionally mature we are as individuals), and recent advances in neuroscience. It’s a Gold Standard training program. 

What Are Some Communication Exercises for Couples Using Imago Therapy?

Imago therapy builds on the idea that everyone’s childhood experiences shape who they are as adults, and that relationship issues can arise from these childhood happenings. So if a partner grew up in a house with a lot of criticism from a parent, they might be very sensitive to a partner’s criticism, or be very critical themselves.

We all understand that our childhood experiences affect our development, attachment styles, and how we communicate and approach conflict as an adult.

So how does Imago therapy help with couples therapy exercises for communication? There are several ways this therapy helps partners identify negative childhood experiences that have caused relationship breakdowns, then address these issues constructively. Some of these include:

  • Go to a Happy Place – During a therapy session, parts of our brains are very reactive. Finding a mental space where an individual feels safe can make it easier for them to have a constructive session.
  • Practice Mirrored Listening – When one spouse speaks, the other spouse can layer their own interpretation over what was actually said. Repeating what your partner says back to them, called mirroring, can show them that you heard what they really said and make it easier to create empathy. For example, during a heated discussion if one mate says “There are dirty dishes in the sink and it makes me mad”, the other could say “I hear you telling me that the dirty dishes made you angry.” Perhaps very simple, but practicing this can have benefits for all sorts of future conflict and resolution.
  • See Your Partner as an Ally – Instead of viewing a current relationship as following the same negative patterns you’ve experienced in the past, look at it as a means for growth. Identify which part of the issue is about the here and now, and which part is about childhood concerns.
  • Set Aside Time to Talk – Expressing your feelings is important in relationships, to avoid frustration and resentment. But expressing anger or sadness in the moment can be challenging. Imago therapy encourages a couple to make regular appointments to talk about their anger or other issues in a safe and controlled way. Giving time and space for both parties to be ready for this kind of conversation makes talks more productive for everyone.

Therapists may use this approach alone or, more typically, combined with other practices that help heal the complex divides that can spring up between individuals over time. Generally speaking, all models are combined by the therapist in some form or another that is catered to a couple’s unique situation.

What Are Some Couple Therapy Exercises Based on Emotionally Focused Therapy?

Emotionally focused therapy is built on the idea that someone’s emotions aren’t just responses to experiences, but are the basis for how humans structure their lives. This guiding principle is then used in couples therapy to rebuild or strengthen emotional bonds in couples first, which will then allow couples to constructively resolve their issues later.

Some good couple therapy exercises based on emotionally focused principles include:

  • Slowing Down and Being Present – Making a conscious effort to pause in the routines of daily life to connect with your partner matters. This could look like pausing when you first get home to hug and kiss instead of immediately starting chores or vegging on your phone.
  • Being Emotionally Engaged and Responsive – Showing your spouse that you are ready and able to have a real connection is key here. Uncross your arms and lean toward them while they share things about their day. When they reach for your hand, reach back and show them you are also ready for physical closeness.
  • Creating Intentional Connection Times – Incorporating rituals as a couple around times and ways you connect is important to reinforce emotional bonding. Some common examples are greeting each other with a kiss when you wake up, setting aside a specific ‘date night’ to spend quality time together, or signing up for a joint activity you both enjoy.

Which Is an Example of Something Done in Behavioral Marital Therapy?

Behavioral marital therapy is a collective term for a variety of techniques that use the theory that actions reinforced are more likely to be repeated. The basis for behavioral couples therapy techniques is to have couples practice productive communication and provide positive reinforcement for good behavior. This is similar to cognitive behavioral therapy, but centers around relationships specifically.

For example, a couple might have frequent disagreements about who should do the dishes. In a behavioral marital therapy session, a therapist encourages them to discuss this problem using the positive communication styles they have been learning. 

  • Partner 1: “I get angry when I ask you to do the dishes and you never get around to it”. 
  • Therapist: Gently points out that there was criticism in this start to the conversation, and suggests that trying some validation and giving a specific example.
  • Partner 1: “I know you are working really hard, doing an extra computer class in the evenings to support our family, and I appreciate it. But I need help with some of the housework sometimes too. It hurt me last night when you didn’t follow through when I asked you to help with the dishes.”
  • Partner 2: “I know I got caught up in my work last night and didn’t do what you asked, and I’m sorry. I want to show you that I appreciate your time as well, and I’ll work harder to help with housework when you ask.”

Well Marriage: Evidence Based Techniques for Better Relationships

At Well Marriage, we know that every relationship is unique and deserves specialized attention. Our therapists all focus on relationships, which includes marriage and couples counseling, and stay up-to-date on the latest proven techniques. We have worked with over 15,000 couples in person or via video sessions and have the experience to help you and your partner fall in love all over again. 

Our therapists often combine these, and other, techniques that is catered to help in a couple’s specific situation, no matter how trivial or tough it seems.

Please explore our website to see more of what we can offer you, then schedule an appointment with our intake coordinator Melinda to take the next step on your relationship journey.

How Do You Know if Your Marriage Needs Counseling?

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Many couples see marriage counseling as a last resort or as something that is only for “failed relationships,” but this perception couldn’t be farther from the truth! Couples therapy can help strengthen relationships in any stage or under any amount of stress. Whether you’re preparing to move in together, planning a wedding, or celebrating the arrival of your third child, couples therapy can help find small cracks and fix them before they spread. Or if you and your partner are facing major challenges, couples counseling can help you overcome them together.

One of the best marriage counseling tips is to get started sooner rather than later. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, after all. In this article, we’ll go over some of the common signs that you and your partner should consider couples therapy. Let’s dive in.

Do We Need Marriage Counseling?

Relationships are hard. Sometimes, we need an outside perspective to separate us from frustrations and look at the bigger picture. Working with a marriage counselor gives you access to their outside perspective, their  experience in healing relationships, and their desire to use their skills towards the best outcome for you and your partner.

Seeking the help of a marriage counselor can have four key benefits, helping you and your partner to:

  1. Identify the root causes of your relationship issues and negative feelings
  2. Resolve budding issues before they grow into major problems 
  3. Actively pursue self-improvement that helps your relationship
  4. Rekindle your relationship and deepen intimacy

How Often Should Couples Go to Therapy?

While there is no set amount of time that couples therapy can last for, most couples attend therapy for 4-10 months. During the duration of their therapy, couples typically attend 2-4 sessions per month.

However, when scheduling your couples therapy sessions, it’s important to remember that each couple is unique. How long it takes for you and your partner to see results and how often you find it beneficial to attend sessions can—and often will—vary greatly from other couples. 

How Do You Know When Your Marriage Needs Help?

You and your partner don’t have to wait for a catastrophe to start attending marriage counseling. In fact, marriage counseling works well as preventive care. If you identify problems while they’re small, you can overcome them together before they threaten the stability of your relationship. Early counseling  also helps couples plan and achieve their common goals and sets a solid foundation for the rest of your journey.

Of course, marriage counseling can also be extremely valuable even in the hardest of times for your relationship.

Whichever stage your relationship is in, here are some of the most common signs that you and your partner could benefit from marriage counseling:

  • You have mismatched desires for intimacy: Emotional and physical intimacy can enhance relationships when both partners are on the same page for what they prefer to give and receive. However, if one partner has expectations that the other partner doesn’t fulfill, it can cause frustrations for both people. Marriage counseling can help each partner communicate their desire for giving and receiving intimacy and help couples rekindle their desire for intimacy they felt early on in the relationship.

  • You are holding onto hidden feelings of resentment or bitterness: Bottled up feelings hurt the person holding them and can go unnoticed by their partner until they erupt into negative actions. Marriage counseling gives couples a safe space to express their feelings, so they can work with their partner on ways to resolve what causes those feelings of resentment and bitterness. 

  • You avoid spending social time together: It’s important for each partner to maintain their own life and sense of identity. Too much codependency can place an unreasonable burden on someone to provide everything for their partner. However, having little to no connection outside of the home can also be a sign of trouble. Marriage counseling provides an opportunity for couples to analyze why they prefer spending so much time apart and look for ways they can integrate portions of their social life. 

  • You have arguments that are lasting, unresolved, and repetitive: Arguments are a part of every relationship, and in many cases, they are a healthy way to communicate boundaries and come to a resolution. However, arguments that come up again and again can be a sign of underlying issues. Marriage counseling can help couples get to the root of repetitive arguments, so they can settle those disputes and come out stronger for it. 

  • You feel the need to keep major and minor secrets: Keeping important things from your partner—like major financial decisions—can ruin the trust in a relationship. While this may seem obvious to many couples, it’s also important to be honest about the little things, too, like friendships and where you spend your time when you’re away from your partner. Marriage counseling can help couples uncover why they feel the need to keep both major and minor secrets, and develop a plan to share those secrets to be more honest going forward. 

  • You lack the ability to communicate without fear: Relationships need communication to remain healthy, but sometimes, one or both partners find it hard to express what they’re feeling. Fear of embarrassment, not being understood, or negative repercussions (like shouting or violence) can keep individuals from expressing what they’re actually feeling. Marriage counseling creates a space in which each partner can voice what they’re feeling, while a counselor moderates the conversation so each party can be heard, safe, and understood. 

If you feel that something isn’t right in your relationship, it may be tempting to find reasons not to go to therapy. These reasons are often rooted in uncertainty, so let’s take a closer look at why someone might not want to go to couples therapy:

Can a Marriage Be Saved Without Counseling?

In some situations, a couple can save their marriage without counseling if they have the tools to improve their relationship and the dedication to see the process through. However, it’s often beneficial to work with a professional because they have experience working through the types of problems that you’re going through. It can also be beneficial to meet with an impartial third party for an unbiased perspective.

A common fear—and reason that some people avoid counseling—is that a marriage counselor could encourage divorce. However, at Well Marriage Center, our counselors are marriage-positive and do not recommend divorce. We believe that your relationship is worth saving, can be saved, and we’ll be with you every step of the way.

How Do You Know If It’s Too Late for Marriage Counseling?

It’s never too late for marriage counseling unless either you or your partner no longer wish to stay together. One of the reasons that couples may avoid counseling is because they don’t want to be told that it’s too late to heal their relationship. However, the fact that both members don’t want their relationship to end is a really good sign that it can be saved. Marriage counselors can provide the tools, space, and consistency for couples to recommit to their relationship and find ways to improve it together.

Find a Way Forward with Well Marriage Center

If your relationship feels tense, stale, or disconnected, it doesn’t mean it’s time to call it quits. Instead, consider working with a couples therapist to find ways to heal and rekindle your relationship. You want your relationship to succeed, and at Well Marriage Center, our professionals do, too. 

Give your relationship the time, space, and chance to recover. Visit our website to learn more, and if you’re ready to sign up, fill out our Intake Form to get started. 


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7 Marriage Counseling Questions to Strengthen Your Relationship

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Marriage counseling questions allow you and your partner to dig deeply into issues, identify root causes, and remember why you fell in love in the first place. A couples therapist can guide you through these questions, offering marriage counseling tips to promote productive conversations. Some answers might be hard to hear, but the resulting discussions usually lead to a healthier, stronger relationship. 

But what questions are asked during couples therapy, exactly? If you haven’t been to couples therapy before, it’s helpful to know what to expect. A great place to start is this list of the seven most popular marriage counseling questions compiled by our relationship experts here at Well Marriage Center.

What Kinds of Questions Do Marriage Counselors Ask?

When you first start counseling, there are common questions marriage counselors ask so they know how they can best assist you. Here are a few you might encounter: 

  • What’s the timeline of your relationship?

You’ll need to spend some time in your initial counseling sessions giving your therapist the background story of your relationship. Run through the major events, like getting married, having kids, changing jobs, experiencing trauma, and anything else that sticks out to you. With this context, your counselor can provide unique solutions to support you and your partner or spouse.

  • What did you initially admire in your partner when you first met?

It’s easy to forget what made you fall in love, especially in the midst of hard times. This question is meant to remind you both of those happy experiences in the early days of dating. Thinking positive thoughts about your partner can help balance the stress of sorting through your current relationships challenges.

  • What are your communication styles?

Styles of communication are typically divided into four categories: passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive, and assertive. The assertive style is what couples should strive for. It involves asserting your own needs through direct, honest, and respectful communication. If communication is a weak point in your relationship, not to worry—a licensed counselor can walk you through couples therapy exercises for communication to get you both where you want to be. 

  • Why did you seek couples therapy?

Some couples seek counseling purely to strengthen their relationship, but most couples usually have problems they want to address. Studies have shown that some of the top relationship stressors include lack of commitment, infidelity, too much arguing, financial problems, substance abuse, health problems, and lack of familial support. Responding to this question is the time to put these issues on the table and address what you hope to achieve in counseling.

How Can I Make My Marriage Counseling More Effective?

If you’ve taken the time to read through these questions and consider them in the context of your own relationship, you’re already on the right path. As long as you and your partner are willing to put in the work, you raise your chances of coming out the other side stronger than ever. 

However, an experienced and skillful marriage counselor will certainly help! Our team of licensed counselors at Well Marriage Center are well-versed in pro-relationship practices and relationship science. These counselors have aided couples in overcoming almost any challenge you can think of, from parenting issues to infidelity and beyond. 

Whenever you think the time is right, you can start the marriage counseling journey by filling out our short intake form. Our intake coordinator, Melinda, will walk you through the process and answer any question you may have.

We’ve heard the same statement from couples after counseling time and time again—“I never would have imagined our relationship could be this good again.” We would love to help you and your partner feel this way, too.

What Questions Are Asked During Pre-Marriage Counseling?

Pre-marriage (or pre-marital) counseling questions are designed to ensure you and your partner are on the same page before committing to marriage or some other milestone “next step.” Even if you’ve been together for years, you can still benefit from revisiting these questions as your relationship evolves.

  • How should you handle your finances?

There are so many factors to consider when it comes to managing finances together as a couple. It’s quite common for people to have different views on the many aspects of finance, and these differences can lead to uncomfortable arguments if not properly addressed. A good place to start is figuring out if you want joint or separate bank accounts. Then you also need to consider how you both feel about other big financial decisions, like credit cards, mortgages, loans, savings, financial goals, retirement, paying bills, and budgeting in general.

  • What do you want your physical intimacy to look like?

At the beginning of a relationship, the newness of it all can make sex and physical intimacy feel magical and exciting. And while many may think that spark fades with time, it doesn’t have to! Talking about exactly what you want from each other physically is the best way to make sure that doesn’t happen. 

  • What are your beliefs, morals, and values?

This is a big question, but maybe one of the most important. While it’s not impossible to make a relationship work with someone who has different values, it’s definitely not easy. When you align in these areas, it’s easier to approach whatever the world may throw at you as a team. Talk through topics like religion, politics, trust, ethics, respect, kids, birth control, and any other values that are a priority for each of you.

A licensed premarital counselor can help you navigate these questions with your partner, no matter what stage of the relationship you are in.


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Marriage Counseling Tips

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If you find yourself unable to communicate with your spouse, it can be difficult to make positive changes in your relationship. Whether it’s consistent arguments, minor disagreements, or avoidance, marriage counseling is an effective way to revitalize a marriage. Marriage and couples counseling can help with issues such as financial concerns, life changes like a new job, stress of children, disagreements in general, and any communication breakdown that couples might face together. 

In this article, we’ll explore tips for couples counseling, marriage counseling questions to strengthen your relationship, and even tips to support you in a dating or premarital counseling journey if you’re not married.

How to Prepare for Couples Counseling

Preparing for couples counseling begins with exploring you and your partner’s needs, goals, and expectations. Counseling can be daunting if you don’t know what will happen during your session, which might leave you asking, “How do I prepare for my first couples counseling session?” Below are five tips to help you get ready for your first couples counseling session:

1. Be Open-Minded 

With all of the stigma surrounding marriage counseling, it can be difficult to admit it is time to take action . You might think you should be able to do it on your own, but ultimately it is beneficial to seek help, if only to have a safe space for conflict resolution. Counseling sessions often include in-depth conversations about your relationship like setting expectations, goals, your intimacy, sex life, and expressing needs. 

Marriage counseling is a learning experience that helps you and your partner identify problems and develop strategies to overcome those problems. You can also expect to:

  • Discuss your fears and manage their effect on how you communicate with your partner.
  • Learn how to effectively communicate and resolve conflicts.
  • Understand your partner’s past experiences and how they influence their actions.
  • Express your needs in a healthy way, without anger or resentment.
  • Consider how you handle situations to be less reactive and more proactive.
  • Rebuild and renew your relationship with your partner.

By going into counseling with an open mind, you’ll be able to better utilize the tools provided to you during your sessions. 

2. Discuss Shared Goals

What do you and your partner want to accomplish during marriage counseling? Do you want to address sex and intimacy issues? Is healthy communication a top priority? Is there financial stress or big life transitions like a new job or baby? Are you finding yourself arguing more and more? You can explore several questions with your partner to set goals for your counseling sessions. It is worthwhile to lay out all of the issues you both think are important to focus on before meeting with a therapist. 

A few marriage counseling questions you can work through with your partner before attending your first session include:

  • What are the key challenges in your relationship that you wish to resolve?
  • What do you want to accomplish with marriage counseling?
  • Do you and your partner have the same goals?
  • If not, what goals are most important to each of you?

3. Set Realistic Expectations

Understanding what you’ll gain from marriage counseling is important, but it can be easy to set unrealistic expectations before you begin. Counseling won’t solve your problems overnight; it takes work. However, you shouldn’t expect to get into the nitty-gritty during your first meeting with a therapist. The first counseling session is intended to introduce yourselves to your therapist, give some background information, and establish goals and priorities. 

As you continue your sessions, realistic expectations of marriage counseling should be:

  • Finding an unbiased third-party that listens to and understands your conflicts.
  • Identifying and addressing systemic issues that affect you and your spouse.
  • Developing solutions to address areas of contention and implementing them at home.
  • Learning how to communicate with and listen to your partner in a safe setting.
  • Maintaining commitment, appreciation, and love for your partner during and after the process.

Ultimately your expectations should be to effectively communicate with your partner and attempt to resolve issues that have driven you apart.

4. Identify Your Feelings and Assumptions

Marriage counseling can help you address some personal issues as well. If you find yourself assuming your partner no longer loves you, doesn’t care about your emotions, or isn’t attracted to you anymore, it is important to vocalize those sentiments in a safe space. Before you go to your first session, you should ask yourself questions like:

  • Do I assume my partner’s feelings about me or our marriage?
  • Do I think my partner is capable of change? Why?
  • Has my partner addressed these issues with me in the past?
  • Do I project my feelings onto my partner?

These tough questions can help you better understand your emotions and perceptions of your partner’s feelings. You want to address these during couples counseling sessions, so your therapist can help you navigate these sentiments.

5. Search for a Therapist/Counselor

Once you’ve set your goals and identified areas of improvement, you can search for a marriage counselor that meets your needs. Finding a qualified therapist might take some time, as you should ask questions to make sure they’re the right match for you. 

Some questions for a potential therapist you might want to consider include:

 

  • What do you believe makes a relationship successful?
  • How many of the couples you’ve helped see improvement due to your counseling?
  • How do you determine when it is appropriate to end counseling?

Remove any negative questions like, “What’s your opinion on divorce?” and aim your attention on how you can succeed. Some counselors might focus on weaknesses right off the bat, but providers like Well Marriage Center take strengths-based and marriage-first approaches to help you build a foundation for success in your relationship.

Many marriage counseling exercises will have you examining your goals and expectations, being prepared will help you navigate those difficult discussions together. Be sure to focus on what you need as an individual and a couple and find a therapist to revitalize your relationship.

What Questions Do Marriage Counselors Ask At the Beginning?

Marriage counseling can lead to great success in your relationship. If you’re considering marriage counseling, you might not be sure what to expect. Here are three questions that will come up during your beginning counseling discussions:

Who Are You? What Is Your Story?

Before you dive into the in-depth conversations, your therapist will want to get to know you, your partner, and your marriage. This will help them understand your dynamics as a couple, what is important to you inside and outside of the marriage, and any concerns you may have. Your therapist will get to know you so they can help you make your sessions beneficial for your relationship.

What Do You Value About Your Relationship?

In marriage counseling, you need to focus on the strengths and dynamics of your relationship. This includes discussing the pieces of your marriage that you value the most. What draws you to your partner? How do they make you feel? What do you appreciate about them? Understanding what you value—and how you are valued—leads to a stronger emotional connection in your marriage. You’ll be able to explore how those values impact your marriage now and into the future. That will be beneficial in creating a strong and lasting marriage. 

What Do Marriage Mean to You?

Sometimes partners have different ideas about what marriage means. That is not a bad thing! However, it’s important to discuss expectations that are new or have changed if you’re struggling to communicate them clearly. Are there any roles you expect your partner to fill? Answering these and similar questions will help you understand what your partner expects from you in your marriage and how that aligns with your beliefs. 

These questions will help therapists get to know you and your relationship better before diving into the nitty-gritty details. Also be prepared to discuss any expectations you have for counseling, disagreements or successes between you and your partner, and what you think is most valuable to focus on during your sessions. Counseling takes time and effort and you shouldn’t expect to solve your concerns during the first session. Set expectations and goals from the beginning and you will find more success.

What to Say in Marriage Counseling

Marriage counseling is about working together, and any conversations about reaching goals, navigating disagreements, and addressing personal feelings are greatly encouraged. Aim to have conversations with your spouse that promote healing within and outside of counseling sessions. During your counseling plan and counseling sessions, you should:

  • Ask tough questions of yourself and your partner to uncover underlying issues.
  • Be open and honest about your feelings without accusing or demeaning your partner.
  • Instead of attacks, use communication techniques like “I feel” statements.
  • Revisit and reflect on past discussions outside of sessions and address any concerns in the next one.

Don’t shy away from the tough topics! Growth can be difficult without facing issues head-on. At Well Marriage Center, we promote healthy discussion that leads to restoring marriages and believe that a strengths-based approach leads to success. Your sessions should help you to strengthen your marriage, not tear it down.

How Can I Make My Marriage Counseling More Effective?

Successful and effective marriage counseling relies on clear communication. By addressing the issues within your marriage openly, and with guidance, you’ll see more success in your sessions. Here are a few tips for effective marriage counseling:

  • Avoid negativity, accusations, and attacks. Aim for positivity and collaboration.
  • Focus on changing yourself—not your spouse—and communicate your needs clearly.
  • Seek to understand your partner’s perspective and learn to accommodate their needs.
  • Remember—it’s not about you, it’s about us. You both deserve respect and attention.
  • Keep in mind your therapist will help guide you through discussions and isn’t picking sides.

While there are many more tips on effective marriage counseling, remember that you and your spouse both need to put in the work to make it successful. 

Do I Need Marriage Counseling?

While only you and your spouse can determine whether it is time for marriage counseling, here are a few concerns to consider: 

  • Consistent negative communication 
  • Lies
  • Secrets
  • Lack of intimacy
  • Blame and Defensiveness
  • Contempt
  • Withdrawal and feeling lonely

It can be difficult to navigate situations with your spouse without clear communication, which is a major source of relational issues. If you or your partner are unsure about pursuing counseling, it can be helpful to answer these questions and determine whether or not you want to choose this option:

  • Do you trust your partner? Why or why not?
  • Are you being dishonest with your partner?
  • Do you view your partner as an antagonist (the “bad guy”)?
  • Do you consistently have arguments? Are they frequently about similar issues?
  • Have you become indifferent about your marriage?
  • Do you compromise on important issues? / Do you have to get your way?
  • Do you feel safe physically and emotionally?

If you’re experiencing any distress while answering these questions, reaching out to a marriage counselor might be beneficial . Well Marriage Center has several resources for you and your partner to make the best decision for your relationship.

What Percentage of Marriage Counseling is Successful?

Marriage counseling works! Several studies have determined that 70-75% of couples who attend counseling are successful at renewing their marriage. However, don’t expect your relationship to be perfect after one or two sessions. On average, couples counseling lasts between 10 and 25 sessions, so there is plenty of time to identify and resolve any issues you’re facing as a couple. 

How Do You Succeed In Couples Therapy?

At Well Marriage Center, we help couples overcome hurdles, interrupt unhealthy cycles, strengthen their communication, heal attachment wounds, and revitalize their relationship. Our strengths-based approach enables couples to identify their strengths, rather than focusing on weaknesses. We don’t see a difference between couples therapy vs marriage counseling. When it comes to building relationships, we find counseling an important tool for all couples. 

We want to build your relationship up! Let us support you in making your marriage counseling experience a success. If you’d like to build a happier, healthier relationship, contact us by filling out our intake form and setting up a call with our Intake Coordinator, Melinda.


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Success Stories: Karen and Peter

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On the vulnerability of sharing success stories:

Sometimes a couple wants to share their story. We’re really appreciative of the vulnerability and trust such a feat takes, and we hope you appreciate these stories as well.

(Names have been changed to preserve the author’s privacy.)

If your relationship is struggling, or if you feel empowered to take preventative steps to keep your relationship in a good place, we’re here to work with all couples who are willing to put in the effort.

Great relationships can be built, rebuilt, and sustained.

Karen and Peter:

I know that we’re not the only couple to experience an affair.  I know it happens to people more frequently than you would think. But it had never happened to any of my friends or family, so when I found out about it, I was completely devastated. I would never blame anyone for being done with their cheating partner, but too often I think people believe that’s their only choice.

We don’t hear about couples who survive affairs, and it does happen.  I’m living proof that you can survive an affair and still be married to the same guy.

I wanted a female counselor, which is one of the reasons I found Mary. I’m really glad it was Mary. She certainly gave me time and space to talk about what it was like to be cheated on, how I felt, how angry I was, and how hurt I was. But the bigger thing she did was help me (and us) understand the affair as a symptom of bigger problems we didn’t know how to fix. It was my choice to stay and work on it. It was also his choice to stay and work on things. Now we are working on understanding what was unhealthy about our relationship and we’re working on making it better. It takes some time. It also takes working on yourself.

I wish we could have done this years ago because I definitely think it might have prevented all this.

What I’ve learned is after an affair, you cannot stay the same in your relationship. You cannot stay the same in life. You have to decide and then change. Whatever you decide, don’t carry the hurt and pain without talking to someone. Don’t do that to yourself.  If you decide to work through it, give Mary a call.  You and your husband will feel comfortable with her.  We’re really glad we did.

 

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Success Stories: Kevin and Paula

in , , , , ,

On the vulnerability of sharing success stories:

Sometimes a couple wants to share their story. We’re really appreciative of the vulnerability and trust such a feat takes, and we hope you appreciate these stories as well.

(Names have been changed to preserve the author’s privacy.)

If your relationship is struggling, or if you feel empowered to take preventative steps to keep your relationship in a good place, we’re here to work with all couples who are willing to put in the effort.

Great relationships can be built, rebuilt, and sustained.

Kevin and Paula:

“After thirty some years together, I had always thought our marriage was in good shape, and that the ‘bumps in the road’ were typical of most marriages. But it was only after my wife took the step to reach out for help through the Well Marriage Center that I began to face the reality that from my wife’s perspective and experience things were not as good as I thought, and no matter how much our marriage may have been typical of any relationship of substantial duration, there was always room for improvement.

From the first conversation we had, I had to face the fact that making the time to listen to each other was sorely needed in ours.

While I questioned at first whether we needed outside help to do so, I’m so glad now that my wife pressed the issue and that we have followed through on our commitment to each other to make the investment of time in our marriage and to work on making our good relationship better. I’ve benefited from the time that we’ve had to really listen to each other at our sessions and for me to put many of my assumptions and my explanations aside and to really hear my wife’s frustration with my patterns of behavior over the years.

Our process individually and together at the Well Marriage Center has also helped us build on what was and is a good relationship by taking the time to recognize what has made it such.

I’ve particularly benefited from identifying the ruts that I’ve fallen into that seem to go hand in hand with us men and that, while benefiting me on many levels in my life, tended to isolate me and work against me in my relationship with my wife.

Being able to talk with the therapist and coach, and with my wife, about those behaviors in a non-judgmental and accepting environment has been liberating and relationship changing. Looking back, I wished I had pursued such an opportunity much sooner.

In truth, I’m amazed that my wife put up with me as long as she did, and at the same time I’m grateful that she gave me this chance – certainly way beyond a second chance – to work with her at the Well Marriage Center on smoothing out our bumps in the road. Many of which have been my own.


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Success Stories: Sydney and Andrew

in , , , , ,

On the vulnerability of sharing success stories:

Sometimes a couple wants to share their story. We’re really appreciative of the vulnerability and trust such a feat takes, and we hope you appreciate these stories as well.

(Names have been changed to preserve the author’s privacy.)

If your relationship is struggling, or if you feel empowered to take preventative steps to keep your relationship in a good place, we’re here to work with all couples who are willing to put in the effort.

Great relationships can be built, rebuilt, and sustained.

Sydney and Andrew:

“My wife and I had been married 22 years when we came to Well Marriage Center for help. Sydney is a night-owl and has always liked reading in bed until late. I had found a new job that forced me to be up early in the morning. I started sleeping in our guest room and bringing my clothes with me for the next morning.

Before we knew it, I was pretty much living in the other room and we were stuck in a rut. We had been sleeping apart for about 3 years, which destroyed our intimacy and had us both feeling very disconnected with each other.

I don’t think I realized how alone each of us felt in our marriage until Sydney told me she didn’t know if our marriage would make it–she described it as a “catastrophic disconnection.”

We needed help. What we appreciated about Michael Fronce from the very beginning was his confident and warm demeanor. He spent the first meeting learning all about what had initially attracted us to each other and what had allowed us so much marital success before now.

I swear, we left that first session feeling really upbeat and hopeful; that set the tone for all the work we were about to do. Michael worked with us on the concept of “us” and the concept of “team.” He helped us explore some pretty deep attachments we had formed and how they had been injured, damaged or rerouted over the previous few years.

He wanted me to be honest with this write-up, so let me just say, it’s really vulnerable work.

Good marriage counseling probably doesn’t work unless you are both able to humble yourselves. But when you start to feel that trust come back and that safety come back…it’s worth it!

Sydney and I together decided to redesign our bedroom and create a space we could both feel good about and comfortable in. We had equal say and worked through it with Michael. Over the past several months we’ve broken out of our ruts and have changed our routines. We’re feeling truly excited to have our connection back.

Bottom line: we felt really confident in Michael from the very beginning, which was a big deal for both of us considering we had friends who had bad marriage counseling experiences. We could tell he knew what he was doing.  I’d recommend him to all my friends. Both Sydney and I have told Michael that his support, knowing we weren’t alone, had made all the difference in the world.”


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Success Stories: James and Susan

in , , , , , ,

On the vulnerability of sharing success stories:

Sometimes a couple wants to share their story. We’re really appreciative of the vulnerability and trust such a feat takes, and we hope you appreciate these stories as well.

(Names have been changed to preserve the author’s privacy.)

If your relationship is struggling, or if you feel empowered to take preventative steps to keep your relationship in a good place, we’re here to work with all couples who are willing to put in the effort.

Great relationships can be built, rebuilt, and sustained.

James and Susan:

“A year ago I made the strongest decision of my life: I decided to ask for help with my marriage. I guess you would say my wife and I had the “typical” suffering marriage. We talked less and we fought more. It seemed like we were always critical or negative. We withdrew from each other in almost every way. Marriage became harder than it had ever been before. I finally agreed with Susan to give counseling a try.

I wanted to choose Glen for a variety of reasons, but the main one was because he’s done a lot of work with men, especially around anger issues.  I didn’t really have an anger problem, but I figured someone who could help angry men probably wouldn’t be a waste of my time or money. Susan liked his experience and focus on couples therapy. (We actually agreed on him.)

I know I’m supposed to do more of our story than a testimonial, so I’ll just start with this: I had no idea what to expect in couples therapy. I didn’t know if it would be easy or if it would be really hard.  To be honest, a year later, I think it’s a little of both.

The first month was definitely the hardest because a lot of stuff bubbled up to the surface. Luckily, Glen did two things that probably helped save us. First, he integrated a lot of positive behavior stuff. I didn’t think it would be that great but it was remarkably effective and really changed the way we spoke to and acted towards each other. He’ll be able to explain it better if you see him.

Second, he confronted me early on my work issues. This was a big issue for us, but Glen did it in a way where you could definitely tell he’s worked with guys before.

I didn’t want to storm out of his office. It was a breakthrough for me and led to some really powerful re-prioritizing.

We haven’t been in weekly counseling sessions for a whole year. We saw Glen pretty regularly for a few months while we worked through a bunch of stuff. Then we saw him once a month or once every 2 months just to check-in and talk together about our progress.

Now we’ve decided to see him 1 or 2 times a year.  It’s more of a preventive thing (he calls it wellness) so we don’t run into the problems we had before. He knows us now and what we’ve been through which we really appreciate. We’re excited to start building on the strengths of our relationship.

I’ll say this to close: you have to be willing to make some changes in your life and in your marriage. The good news, at least for us, is that your relationship really can get better. I agree with the other couple who wrote their story and said 10 months ago they never believed their marriage could be this good again. Susan and I have experienced that too and that’s why we wrote this story for Glen.  He really did help us and we’re incredibly grateful for the way in which he did it.  Good luck with your new center Glen, you’re going to do a lot of people good.

 

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