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Can Marriage Be Saved After Infidelity?

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Yes, you can save your marriage after infidelity if both partners are committed to repairing the relationship.

Affair recovery takes serious work and transparency, but it is possible. And if you’re wondering, “Can therapy help with cheating?” The answer is, absolutely.

Our experienced counselors at Well Marriage Center have successfully guided many couples through the stages of healing after infidelity. A big part of what we do is help partners get to, and make a plan to fix, the root causes and dynamics that led to cheating. So much healing can happen when both sides reach a true understanding of the other, from why the offender cheated to an exploration of the victim’s hurt.

We’ve gathered the top six mistakes we see from both parties in affair recovery so that you can avoid these pitfalls yourself. Remember, it won’t be an easy process, but with the right attitudes and a lot of work, you two can make your marriage stronger than it’s ever been.

6 Common Marriage Reconciliation Mistakes to Avoid After Infidelity

People are more likely to make rash decisions when emotions are high after one partner discovers the other is being unfaithful. These high emotions can include anger and lashing out, humiliation, and decreased feelings of self-worth for both partners. When our feelings are going through such a roller coaster, it’s easy to fall into common, human mistakes that make the already traumatic situation worse long-term. Consider these six most common mistakes our counselors see from couples going through affair recovery: 

1. Pretending Everything Is Normal

Your relationship or marriage will never be the same after infidelity. This realization will probably hurt at first, but it’s also helpful to acknowledge. The betrayed partner is likely furious and devastated, and they may even feel some detachment after infidelity. They want to know how to stop overthinking after being cheated on and move forward with their life. The offender must consistently show they take responsibility for their actions in multiple ways. For example, they may need to increase communication about where they are and who they are with to show their partner that they will not be a repeat offender. 

2. Confronting the Affair Partner

Finding out your partner cheated on you usually results in an explosion of powerful emotions. Looking to direct those feelings somewhere, folks sometimes feel justified confronting the “other” person. In most cases, this confrontation will only make marriage reconciliation harder. You may learn things you’d prefer not to know or even encourage that person to pursue your spouse. There are some circumstances where a confrontation may be necessary, however. For example, a confrontation will likely be unavoidable if the victim regularly interacts with the affair partner.

3. Not Cutting off Contact With the Affair Partner

The offender must choose to cut off all contact with their affair partner. Note we said “choose.” The choice to officially leave their affair partner needs to be theirs alone. If they feel like they don’t want to stop contacting their affair partner, then they need to reconsider why they’re in a marriage to someone else in the first place. Offenders who are fully committed to cutting off the other person should discuss with their spouse how they plan to get this person out of their lives, like blocking them on their cell phone and social media.

4. Taking Revenge

We know you really want to dig your keys into the side of their pretty little souped-up four-wheel drive—but don’t do it, to your partner or the person they cheated with. Acts of revenge will only provide a short-lived feeling of satisfaction, and they do not contribute to healing after an affair (no matter what Ms. Carrie Underwood says). Revenge further deteriorates trust between partners and will likely add to feelings of shame and embarrassment.

5. Asking For Too Much or Too Little Information

The betrayed spouse needs to consider how much they want to know about the affair. Some information will only be painful to learn and hinder moving forward, like asking if the sex was “good.” However, you also don’t want a surprising, painful detail to come out about the affair years down the road. A good balance between these two is finding out how long the affair was going on. This question will reveal how serious your partner was about this person—was it a year-long affair with regular meetings, or was it a one-time mistake? The healing process will look different depending on your partner’s answer to this question. A counselor who specializes in affair recovery will be able to tailor your recovery journey based on this and other information.

6. Not Seeking Professional Therapy

Staying married after infidelity is not easy, but a marriage counselor with years of experience and education can make it much easier. They will guide you through the chaotic impact of infidelity on the betrayed spouse as well as the offender. 

Many couples suffering from an affair come to us at Well Marriage Center feeling hopeless. We get it, and if you feel this way, please know your feelings are entirely normal and valid. However, simply showing up to marriage counseling is a step in the right direction. 

Our counselors have helped couple after couple recover from infidelity by encouraging patience, honesty, care, and a willingness to make necessary changes. These results are the beauty of our strengths-based counseling approach, as we do everything we can to help you focus on the positives of your relationship and rebuild trust and love in a lasting way.

If you want to save your marriage through counseling after infidelity, schedule an appointment with us. Our intake coordinator, Melinda, can answer any questions you may have about our process. We look forward to meeting you and working together to restore the trust and love in your marriage.

 

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Can Therapy Help with Cheating?

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There are plenty of compelling reasons not to divorce after infidelity and reasons not to separate in a broader sense. These can range from practical considerations (like quality of life and how divorcing or breaking up might impact any children) to equally legitimate, emotional-driven reasons (like each partner’s happiness). 

Ultimately, couples want to know: can a relationship work after cheating occurs? In short, yes. Affair recovery therapy provides a strengths-based framework to help both partners better understand and heal their emotional wounds, rebuild trust and intimacy, and develop strategies for getting the relationship back on track, all of which can be incredibly difficult due to the emotional rollercoaster that is the aftermath of an affair.

If you’re reading this, you probably have a lot of questions. Asking the right questions is the first step toward healing, so keep reading for answers to some of the questions we hear most often.

Will Infidelity Pain Ever Go Away?

When we talk about the pain of affairs, it’s important to remember that both parties are likely to be confused and hurt. An effective therapist will provide a safe environment for both to emote and express their truest feelings. That’s why affair recovery typically requires marriage counseling or couples therapy—not that there isn’t value in some components of individual therapy for infidelity recovery. Individuals who see a couples therapist once they’ve decided to break up can effectively manage the fallout of cheating in a much healthier way than those who don’t. 

For many, this will cause more than a little anxiety: for example, wondering what the other person is saying in any one-on-one time they might have with the therapist can be very unnerving. However, it’s crucial for those seeking affair recovery therapy to understand that they’re going to have to trust their therapist, who’s there to support both parties and work on the relationship. After all, they’ve almost certainly dealt with more cases of infidelity than you have, and have a whole arsenal of tools, techniques, and resources specially tailored to this type of recovery. At Well Marriage Center, our team leverages a strengths-based approach to help you navigate the rough waters of affair recovery.

How Do You Heal from Infidelity Trauma?

Once an affair has been revealed, it’s time for the understanding to begin so that healing can take place. An effective therapy plan for infidelity recovery tends to consist of two key stages:

  • Stage 1 is all about airing out and validating each partner’s emotions. This stage can be difficult, but it provides an absolutely vital foundation for infidelity recovery. Each party needs to feel their emotions and express their truths, fully and un-rushed, and both need to demonstrate commitment to processing what’s happened. This stage typically leads to a pair of outcomes—the person who cheated needs to atone, unconditionally, and both partners need to express a willingness to begin the healing process and work toward forgiveness. 
  • In Stage 2, a marriage therapist will help the couple to really explore what’s beneath the surface, like the different factors that may have contributed to the dynamic or led to the affair, many of which hide beneath the surface. For example, has one partner fallen out of love? Was one partner feeling neglected or unappreciated? Has the relationship lost the luster of its honeymoon phase, causing one or both partners to question it? (Occasionally one partner doesn’t outgrow the honeymoon phase when the other does.) This stage isn’t about assigning blame. Rather, it’s about getting all the puzzle pieces out on the table. A therapist will then help the couple to understand how they might be able to reassemble their puzzle and start rebuilding trust.

If you’re considering marriage counseling as a means to working through infidelity and rekindling the relationship, it is fully natural to feel a little hopeless. A therapist qualified to deal with infidelity recovery will anticipate a wide range of emotions, many of which may be new to you, or at least more intense than you’re used to. 

There is, however, a general pattern that applies. In many ways, we tend to “grieve” when the relationship reaches a certain state, so the stages of grief also apply to affair recovery:

  • Shock/Denial: We know that most people don’t set out to have an affair, which only serves to make it that much more difficult to understand—and process—without the help of a trained therapist. As humans, when we don’t understand something, it often leaves us feeling lost and directionless, which can turn to hopelessness. As a therapist helps to illuminate the reasons or events that led to infidelity, the shock and denial subside. Then, a shift toward finding solutions can begin in earnest. They’ll help you to fully experience your shock, work through your denial, and start down the path toward healing and recovery.
  • Anger: Any time someone we consider a best friend and/or trusted confidant lets us down, anger is a fully natural response. Without working through this anger and any associated feelings, it’s going to be exceptionally difficult to move past it. What a lot of people don’t realize is that anger is often considered a secondary emotion, with its true roots in feelings like fear (of losing control, perhaps) or sadness (about the potential demise of a relationship). Your therapist will help you understand this, identify strategies that align with your primary emotions, and provide a foundation to constructively explore these dynamics.
  • Bargaining: After the shock and anger subside, the reality of the situation starts to really set in. No one wants to feel like their time, energy, and love have been all for naught, so it’s natural to begin rationalizing the situation in an attempt to recapture a better dynamic. At a certain point, the human brain can’t resist trying to provide answers. “Maybe if I would have [done Thing X], this never would have happened.” Responses like these are often reactive, and are not the epiphanies they may seem. Bargaining is just our natural way, perhaps, of seeking explanations for things that feel unexplainable. A therapist will anticipate this, and work to keep things on a productive course.
  • Depression: In the context of infidelity recovery, depression can take on a number of forms. For some people, the loss of trust is simply going to hurt, and hurt pretty severely, leading to hopelessness that leads them to disengage or shut down. A trained therapist will help to dissipate the fog of depression. Like shock/denial and anger, depression is a completely natural response—and your therapist will be prepared to help you process it in a healthy way.
  • Acceptance: Acceptance does not mean giving up, or absolving the other party of responsibility full stop. It simply means acknowledging the reality of the situation, by moving beyond the shock, anger, bargaining, and depression. Finally, acceptance can take many forms, but once you’re able to accept that the affair happened—and caused hurt—and you’re ready and willing to work toward recovering the relationship, then you’re on the right path.

How Can I Help My Partner Heal After Infidelity?

If a partner who cheated is asking this question, that’s a really good sign. It indicates that they’re not just committed to atoning in order to resolve their own feelings of guilt and get things back to normal. And it shows something really vital: that the person who cheated knows they hurt their partner and they want, more than anything, to help them to recover. If you’re looking for signs your marriage will survive infidelity, this certainly counts.

This won’t always be easy, though. Some individuals experience traumatic infidelity syndrome, a form of PTSD that can be tough to shake without the help of a trained professional. Specific trauma-related symptoms a therapist will look for include: 

  • Unresolved anger or mood swings
  • Intrusive thoughts or flashbacks
  • Heightened anxiety
  • Difficulty trusting intimate partners (and others)
  • Emotional detachment or numbness
  • Aversion to future commitment
  • Persistent worrying or defensiveness
  • Difficulty sleeping and/or concentrating, foggy thinking

Not only will a qualified marriage counselor be able to identify these symptoms, but they’ll also know the best strategies for helping their patients to understand them, process them, and start building better patterns and habits.

Does therapy help with cheating?

Therapy can absolutely help, especially if you turn to a therapist who specializes in infidelity or affair recovery. However, if you don’t know what to expect in couples therapy after infidelity, it can cause a great deal of discomfort and anxiety. Here are a few of the key ways a therapist can help couples after an affair, which also serve as the primary goals for couples therapy after infidelity:

  • They can help you understand how the affair happened, and help you rekindle the spark of intimacy. A therapist will help both parties understand and process their own—and their partner’s—feelings. Then, they’ll help the couple to explore how their dynamic may have shifted over time, and what factors they can identify that may have contributed to the affair. This will often involve exploring a range of issues in the relationship, from diminished intimacy or interest to ongoing resentment or difficulties with healthy communication. 
  • They can uncover—and help you process—previous wounds. No relationship forms in a vacuum: both partners have histories, including past relationships and traumas. Within the context of a relationship, especially marriage, partners’ past traumas can inadvertently creep into the relationship and alter its dynamic. A therapist will provide the right environment for these root issues to be uncovered and processed.
  • They will offer impartial insights and guidance. When emotions are high, it can be tremendously difficult to be impartial. A therapist who specializes in infidelity recovery will bring a structured approach, based on research and established best practices, to keep conversations productive and prevent either partner from feeling unheard or even attacked. 
  • They’ll help each partner learn more about themselves. As much as we might try to be self-aware and emotionally intelligent, we don’t always realize our own unhealthy patterns. This is true whether they involve relationship-building, communication, trust, commitment, or any other number of factors. A therapist’s approach to infidelity recovery can help one or both partners to better understand how they might be unconsciously sabotaging themselves or the marriage.
  • They’ll help you establish better communication, openness, and trust. These are lifelong skills that provide the foundation for personal growth and a healthier overall relationship. You can expect to be introduced to some new techniques that won’t just help you recover from infidelity, but have an even greater understanding of each other moving forward. 
  • They’ll help you understand and manage infidelity symptoms. Especially while the emotional wounds are still fresh, it requires a decent amount of work—and professional support—to take inventory of the various symptoms of infidelity. Some will be evident, since you’re already exploring the option of infidelity recovery counseling. Others may not be so easy to identify and diagnose. Think of therapy as a roadmap for making these discoveries, processing them, and developing strategies for moving forward.
  • They’ll offer specific perspectives and tactics for each partner. While a large portion of infidelity recovery therapy will be a joint conversation between the therapist and both parties, a therapist also knows the value of 1:1 discussions with each partner. This helps each partner to feel a little more comfortable exploring thoughts and feelings they might not be sure how to discuss with their partner in the room. For the person who committed the affair, for example, this includes helping them understand the impact of their infidelity on their betrayed spouse, as well as how to atone after cheating. 

Trying to solve such monumental marriage problems on your own isn’t just difficult, it’s really not recommended. Working with a marriage counselor helps you avoid falling into unproductive traps, like arguing over who’s most to blame—or, at the other end of the spectrum, falsely thinking that everything will be OK without putting in the work. 

If you’re at either end of that spectrum or somewhere in the middle, you’re certainly not alone. 

You would probably be surprised how many couples decide to seek out a qualified counselor only once they’ve realized that the blame cycles and rose-colored glasses aren’t helping them to process and move beyond marital issues. In many cases, they discover how the right therapy environment can empower both partners to express themselves truly, feel their feelings fully, and develop mutual empathy.

We know that surviving infidelity isn’t always easy, but we also understand that the emotional rollercoaster you’re on can be scary and exhausting. 

How Successful Is Marriage Counseling After Infidelity?

Despite how scary it can feel, marriage counseling is effective more often than not. According to one study, around 70% of couples are able to stay together after infidelity—with many coming out the other side feeling like their relationship has, in fact, been strengthened through infidelity recovery therapy. 

Now, these results aren’t instant, and will likely take weeks if not months. Therapists know this and will help couples understand what to expect, including various milestones they’ll try to achieve along the way. At Well Marriage Center, our affair recovery program has helped over 1,000 couples get their marriages back on track. If you’re willing to put in the time, we’ll be right there with you.

What Are Signs Your Marriage Will Survive Infidelity?

Because infidelity recovery doesn’t occur overnight, it can be tough to believe in the process when it’s first getting underway. There are some signs you can look for as indicators that your marriage has a good chance of surviving infidelity. Here are a few examples:

  • Genuine apologies have been made, and both partners are committed to saving the marriage.
  • Both partners are willing to admit their own faults, and acknowledge their partners’.
  • Both partners express a willingness to attend therapy, even though they know it will involve uncomfortable conversations and tricky emotions.
  • Both partners express a belief/hope that the marriage will be saved.
  • Both partners are willing to learn better ways to communicate and navigate conflicts.

If you’re looking for help, that in itself is a really encouraging sign and an important first step. At Well Marriage Center, we have physical locations as well as telehealth options, in order to make marriage counseling accessible to you when you need it. After all, finding an effective marriage counselor shouldn’t have to add any additional stress to the situation.

What Type of Therapy Is Best for Infidelity?

For couples that are committed to rebuilding the trust necessary to keep their marriage alive, infidelity or affair recovery therapy is an ideal place to start. At Well Marriage Center, our affair recovery therapists use a strengths-based approach to marriage counseling. 

In other words, we take a glass half-full approach. Infidelity occurred (and it hurt), but focusing on what made you fall in love in the first place provides a better foundation for understanding and recovery than dwelling on either partner’s fallibility or rushing to assign blame. Instead, we take a patient, honest, and hopeful approach. 

What Type of Therapist Should I See for Infidelity?

We recommend looking for a therapist or counselor who is experienced in infidelity or affair recovery. From there, it’s important to find a therapist whose core values about the sanctity of marriage and definition of “success” are in alignment with your own. 

Any therapist you meet with should start off by discussing these very topics, not just to ensure a suitable fit but also to help you understand exactly what to expect over the course of your counseling program. This can include developing objectives together, thinking about what kind of timeline to expect, and more.

Ready to Take the First Step?

Whether you’re looking for marriage counseling, affair recovery, or even individual counseling, the team at Well Marriage Center is here to help. We know infidelity recovery can be an emotionally-charged, life-altering endeavor, but we believe there’s hope. That’s why our team is so motivated to empower individuals and couples with the tools and skills they need to rebuild trust and rekindle the love that originally brought them together.

We’re ready when you are. Reach out to schedule an appointment today.

 

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How Long Does It Take To Forgive an Affair?

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According to the Infidelity Institute, it takes around 18 months to recover from an affair. But this is merely a standard industry answer. In reality, the road to reconciliation is different for every couple and timelines for effective affair recovery vary greatly. 

But how do you forgive someone you love for hurting you? To truly heal together after an affair, couples must understand two important concepts: 

  1. Infidelity leaves deep, painful, emotional and psychological scars that take time and dedication to work through.
  2. Forgiveness isn’t straightforward, and learning how to heal from infidelity trauma as a couple demands a lot of self-restraint and patience. 

We want to make sure that any couple who has experienced such a painful event has the resources they need. Nobody should have to carry the pain and trauma their entire lives or let it identify them forever. Let’s take a look at and elaborate on each of these points to explain how a couple can move past an affair and, surprisingly, build a stronger bond. 

 

Why Does Infidelity Hurt So Much?

The main reason an affair causes so much pain is because infidelity has a lasting impact on a person’s psyche. To illustrate, here are a few of the most common long term infidelity effects:

  • For the person who was cheated on, an affair can cause chronic anxiety, depression, and other mental health challenges. Some studies have even suggested that infidelity may produce PTSD symptoms at a relatively high rate. These feelings can last long after the infidelity is discovered and are often challenging to process and move past without professional help.
  • Infidelity can make it more difficult to fall back in love. Our brains naturally generate more oxytocin and dopamine when we are in love. But when we experience infidelity, the pathways our brain uses to release these chemicals become disrupted, which impacts an individual’s ability to love themselves and others, again. 
  • Affairs make it harder for people to trust themselves, their partners, and also cause many to develop a general mistrust of others—including family, friends, and coworkers. In reference to trust issues, Psychologist Steven Stonsy states, “Just as the harm of a gunshot wound threatens the general health of the body, intimate betrayal goes well beyond issues of trust and love to infect the way we make sense of our lives in general.” For many couples in affair recovery, learning to trust again is their most significant challenge. 

Can You Truly Forgive an Affair? 

The short and quick answer is yes; it is possible to truly forgive an affair. But short and quick solutions are not the most helpful when it comes to affair recovery. In truth, the path to forgiveness is paved with patience. Both partners in the relationship must be patient with themselves and with each other as they navigate difficult topics and heal their wounds. Ultimately, it’s best to avoid putting a timeline on your recovery process. Another point to recognize is that couples do not have to recover on their own. 

With the guidance of a licensed, specialized counselor, healing a relationship after infidelity is a much more peaceful and effective process. Throughout recovery, it’s often difficult for individuals to learn how to describe the pain of infidelity and express its impact on their personal well being. A counselor can help both parties express their feelings and unique perspectives in a healthy and productive way. They can also help you uncover reasons not to divorce after infidelity.

At Well Marriage Center, our counselors will work with you and your partner to examine the dynamics that lead to infidelity, and explore your relationship to develop a healthy solution for both partners. Our ultimate goal is to help you forgive and better understand one another so you both can achieve a higher level of relational health and forge a secure and loving relationship.

If you’re ready to begin again, take the first step and schedule your appointment today.

 

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Couples Therapy Techniques

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Marriage counseling and couples therapy (we use the terms interchangeably) can have a hugely positive impact, with studies showing over 90% of couples finding it helpful. But there are so many different techniques that can be used in couples therapy, how do you know which one is the best fit for you? We’ve prepared this helpful guide to answer just that, breaking down some of the most popular and effective marriage counseling techniques below. 

All of our therapists here at Well Marriage have studied these techniques, and more, extensively, as they’ve devoted their careers to helping couples specifically. We’ve gone in depth to make sure we know the most up to date practices and proven scientific approaches that help all interpersonal relationships, including how to handle vulnerability, complex pasts, and communication issues. Here are some of the techniques your therapist here  might combine and engage in your unique and customized session.

What Is the Best Therapy for Relationship Problems?

The best therapy option for your relationship will depend on you and your partner’s life experiences, what your relationship challenges are, and the skill and expertise of your therapist. The best results from therapy will occur when both partners are willing and able to really commit to improving the relationship, and when evidence-based therapy techniques are used by a skilled therapist. 

So can couples therapy help with your relationship? We think so! Our counselors use a variety of evidence-based techniques during sessions and will take you both through the couples therapy exercises that are most likely to be effective for you. 

Some of the best supported techniques that will be incorporated include:

  1. The Gottman Method
  2. Developmental Model of Couples therapy
  3. Imago Therapy
  4. Emotionally Supported
  5. Behavioral Marital Therapy

What Is Gottman Method Couples Therapy?

John Gottman is a psychotherapist that has researched and published many studies on relationship theory, starting in the 1990’s. He has been listed as one of the most influential therapists of the last quarter century. His eponymously named Gottman couples therapy techniques also known as the “Gottman method” is well respected in the field.

So what is Gottman therapy? It is a technique that works to improve marriage functioning by avoiding behaviors found to hurt relationships. Gottman studied divorce and developed a successful divorce prediction method he called “The Four Horsemen,”– behaviors that herald the end of many relationships. These communication and conflict styles often flow into each other in unhealthy relationships, in what Gottman called the Cascade Model of Relational Dissolution. His four key predictors for divorce are: 

  1. Criticism – Couples regularly turn conversations or normal complaints into personal attacks. Statements frequently begin with things like “You always…’ or “You never…” 
  2. Defensiveness – Partners respond to frequent criticism with counter attacks or denial of their responsibility. This often leads to increased criticism and unproductive communication.
  3. Contempt (highest predictor of divorce) – Spouses lose respect for each other, and view themselves as far superior. This behavior can be seen as frequent mocking, hostility, cynicism and sarcasm.
  4. Stonewalling – Mates eventually shut down completely, withdrawing from communication and interaction. When conversation does occur, it’s usually unproductive and hostile.

The Gottman Method uses nine positive components to support couples in breaking these harmful methods of communication and conflict. These are called the “Sound Relationship House” and are meant to strengthen the core of a couple’s intimacy and understanding. They are:

  1. Love Maps – Ask questions designed for partners to get to know each other on a deeper level.
  2. Like Each Other More – Focus on this newfound understanding so the couple develops more fondness and admiration for each other.
  3. Turn Toward Each Other – Notice the other’s needs and bids for affection and try to respond to create more connection.
  4. Positive Perspective – Assume the best of your mate instead of criticizing.
  5. Conflict Management – Think about the other spouse’s feelings when issues arise and work toward more productive dialogue instead of fighting.
  6. Mutual Support – Work together to help each other reach life goals.
  7. Shared Meaning – Develop traditions as a couple that have significance to you both.
  8. Trust – Rely on each other as a source of strength.
  9. Commitment – Dedicate time and energy to the happiness of the relationship and each other.

What is the Developmental Model & What to Expect from Couples Therapy using the Developmental Model?

The developmental model of couples therapy was developed in the 1980’s and it focuses on the effects of development in relationships. The basic concept is that the individuals within a relationship progress through different developmental stages over time, similar to childhood developmental stages. 

This theory predicts that most relationship conflicts happen when the two partners are in different developmental stages. Using this model, couple therapy questions can be used to tell which stage each partner is in at the time, so they can work towards the same developmental stage in the future.

These stages are:

  • Bonding – when couples start to fall in love and crave closeness, the “honeymoon period” 
  • Differentiation – when partners discover their differences and learn to resolve conflict
  • Practicing – when each person develops independence and their own interests outside of the relationship
  • Rapprochement – when spouses return to each other after practicing independence
  • Synergy – when both parties experience true intimacy and are stronger together than apart

Dr. Ellyn Bader has deepened our understanding of the Developmental Model in Couples Therapy through her research and training at the Couples Institute in San Francisco. All therapists at Well Marriage Center have completed her year-long “Developmental Model for Couples Therapy” training program. It focuses on attachment, differentiation (at its core, this is how emotionally mature we are as individuals), and recent advances in neuroscience. It’s a Gold Standard training program. 

What Are Some Communication Exercises for Couples Using Imago Therapy?

Imago therapy builds on the idea that everyone’s childhood experiences shape who they are as adults, and that relationship issues can arise from these childhood happenings. So if a partner grew up in a house with a lot of criticism from a parent, they might be very sensitive to a partner’s criticism, or be very critical themselves.

We all understand that our childhood experiences affect our development, attachment styles, and how we communicate and approach conflict as an adult.

So how does Imago therapy help with couples therapy exercises for communication? There are several ways this therapy helps partners identify negative childhood experiences that have caused relationship breakdowns, then address these issues constructively. Some of these include:

  • Go to a Happy Place – During a therapy session, parts of our brains are very reactive. Finding a mental space where an individual feels safe can make it easier for them to have a constructive session.
  • Practice Mirrored Listening – When one spouse speaks, the other spouse can layer their own interpretation over what was actually said. Repeating what your partner says back to them, called mirroring, can show them that you heard what they really said and make it easier to create empathy. For example, during a heated discussion if one mate says “There are dirty dishes in the sink and it makes me mad”, the other could say “I hear you telling me that the dirty dishes made you angry.” Perhaps very simple, but practicing this can have benefits for all sorts of future conflict and resolution.
  • See Your Partner as an Ally – Instead of viewing a current relationship as following the same negative patterns you’ve experienced in the past, look at it as a means for growth. Identify which part of the issue is about the here and now, and which part is about childhood concerns.
  • Set Aside Time to Talk – Expressing your feelings is important in relationships, to avoid frustration and resentment. But expressing anger or sadness in the moment can be challenging. Imago therapy encourages a couple to make regular appointments to talk about their anger or other issues in a safe and controlled way. Giving time and space for both parties to be ready for this kind of conversation makes talks more productive for everyone.

Therapists may use this approach alone or, more typically, combined with other practices that help heal the complex divides that can spring up between individuals over time. Generally speaking, all models are combined by the therapist in some form or another that is catered to a couple’s unique situation.

What Are Some Couple Therapy Exercises Based on Emotionally Focused Therapy?

Emotionally focused therapy is built on the idea that someone’s emotions aren’t just responses to experiences, but are the basis for how humans structure their lives. This guiding principle is then used in couples therapy to rebuild or strengthen emotional bonds in couples first, which will then allow couples to constructively resolve their issues later.

Some good couple therapy exercises based on emotionally focused principles include:

  • Slowing Down and Being Present – Making a conscious effort to pause in the routines of daily life to connect with your partner matters. This could look like pausing when you first get home to hug and kiss instead of immediately starting chores or vegging on your phone.
  • Being Emotionally Engaged and Responsive – Showing your spouse that you are ready and able to have a real connection is key here. Uncross your arms and lean toward them while they share things about their day. When they reach for your hand, reach back and show them you are also ready for physical closeness.
  • Creating Intentional Connection Times – Incorporating rituals as a couple around times and ways you connect is important to reinforce emotional bonding. Some common examples are greeting each other with a kiss when you wake up, setting aside a specific ‘date night’ to spend quality time together, or signing up for a joint activity you both enjoy.

Which Is an Example of Something Done in Behavioral Marital Therapy?

Behavioral marital therapy is a collective term for a variety of techniques that use the theory that actions reinforced are more likely to be repeated. The basis for behavioral couples therapy techniques is to have couples practice productive communication and provide positive reinforcement for good behavior. This is similar to cognitive behavioral therapy, but centers around relationships specifically.

For example, a couple might have frequent disagreements about who should do the dishes. In a behavioral marital therapy session, a therapist encourages them to discuss this problem using the positive communication styles they have been learning. 

  • Partner 1: “I get angry when I ask you to do the dishes and you never get around to it”. 
  • Therapist: Gently points out that there was criticism in this start to the conversation, and suggests that trying some validation and giving a specific example.
  • Partner 1: “I know you are working really hard, doing an extra computer class in the evenings to support our family, and I appreciate it. But I need help with some of the housework sometimes too. It hurt me last night when you didn’t follow through when I asked you to help with the dishes.”
  • Partner 2: “I know I got caught up in my work last night and didn’t do what you asked, and I’m sorry. I want to show you that I appreciate your time as well, and I’ll work harder to help with housework when you ask.”

Well Marriage: Evidence Based Techniques for Better Relationships

At Well Marriage, we know that every relationship is unique and deserves specialized attention. Our therapists all focus on relationships, which includes marriage and couples counseling, and stay up-to-date on the latest proven techniques. We have worked with over 15,000 couples in person or via video sessions and have the experience to help you and your partner fall in love all over again. 

Our therapists often combine these, and other, techniques that is catered to help in a couple’s specific situation, no matter how trivial or tough it seems.

Please explore our website to see more of what we can offer you, then schedule an appointment with our intake coordinator Melinda to take the next step on your relationship journey.

How Do You Know if Your Marriage Needs Counseling?

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Many couples see marriage counseling as a last resort or as something that is only for “failed relationships,” but this perception couldn’t be farther from the truth! Couples therapy can help strengthen relationships in any stage or under any amount of stress. Whether you’re preparing to move in together, planning a wedding, or celebrating the arrival of your third child, couples therapy can help find small cracks and fix them before they spread. Or if you and your partner are facing major challenges, couples counseling can help you overcome them together.

One of the best marriage counseling tips is to get started sooner rather than later. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, after all. In this article, we’ll go over some of the common signs that you and your partner should consider couples therapy. Let’s dive in.

Do We Need Marriage Counseling?

Relationships are hard. Sometimes, we need an outside perspective to separate us from frustrations and look at the bigger picture. Working with a marriage counselor gives you access to their outside perspective, their  experience in healing relationships, and their desire to use their skills towards the best outcome for you and your partner.

Seeking the help of a marriage counselor can have four key benefits, helping you and your partner to:

  1. Identify the root causes of your relationship issues and negative feelings
  2. Resolve budding issues before they grow into major problems 
  3. Actively pursue self-improvement that helps your relationship
  4. Rekindle your relationship and deepen intimacy

How Often Should Couples Go to Therapy?

While there is no set amount of time that couples therapy can last for, most couples attend therapy for 4-10 months. During the duration of their therapy, couples typically attend 2-4 sessions per month.

However, when scheduling your couples therapy sessions, it’s important to remember that each couple is unique. How long it takes for you and your partner to see results and how often you find it beneficial to attend sessions can—and often will—vary greatly from other couples. 

How Do You Know When Your Marriage Needs Help?

You and your partner don’t have to wait for a catastrophe to start attending marriage counseling. In fact, marriage counseling works well as preventive care. If you identify problems while they’re small, you can overcome them together before they threaten the stability of your relationship. Early counseling  also helps couples plan and achieve their common goals and sets a solid foundation for the rest of your journey.

Of course, marriage counseling can also be extremely valuable even in the hardest of times for your relationship.

Whichever stage your relationship is in, here are some of the most common signs that you and your partner could benefit from marriage counseling:

  • You have mismatched desires for intimacy: Emotional and physical intimacy can enhance relationships when both partners are on the same page for what they prefer to give and receive. However, if one partner has expectations that the other partner doesn’t fulfill, it can cause frustrations for both people. Marriage counseling can help each partner communicate their desire for giving and receiving intimacy and help couples rekindle their desire for intimacy they felt early on in the relationship.

  • You are holding onto hidden feelings of resentment or bitterness: Bottled up feelings hurt the person holding them and can go unnoticed by their partner until they erupt into negative actions. Marriage counseling gives couples a safe space to express their feelings, so they can work with their partner on ways to resolve what causes those feelings of resentment and bitterness. 

  • You avoid spending social time together: It’s important for each partner to maintain their own life and sense of identity. Too much codependency can place an unreasonable burden on someone to provide everything for their partner. However, having little to no connection outside of the home can also be a sign of trouble. Marriage counseling provides an opportunity for couples to analyze why they prefer spending so much time apart and look for ways they can integrate portions of their social life. 

  • You have arguments that are lasting, unresolved, and repetitive: Arguments are a part of every relationship, and in many cases, they are a healthy way to communicate boundaries and come to a resolution. However, arguments that come up again and again can be a sign of underlying issues. Marriage counseling can help couples get to the root of repetitive arguments, so they can settle those disputes and come out stronger for it. 

  • You feel the need to keep major and minor secrets: Keeping important things from your partner—like major financial decisions—can ruin the trust in a relationship. While this may seem obvious to many couples, it’s also important to be honest about the little things, too, like friendships and where you spend your time when you’re away from your partner. Marriage counseling can help couples uncover why they feel the need to keep both major and minor secrets, and develop a plan to share those secrets to be more honest going forward. 

  • You lack the ability to communicate without fear: Relationships need communication to remain healthy, but sometimes, one or both partners find it hard to express what they’re feeling. Fear of embarrassment, not being understood, or negative repercussions (like shouting or violence) can keep individuals from expressing what they’re actually feeling. Marriage counseling creates a space in which each partner can voice what they’re feeling, while a counselor moderates the conversation so each party can be heard, safe, and understood. 

If you feel that something isn’t right in your relationship, it may be tempting to find reasons not to go to therapy. These reasons are often rooted in uncertainty, so let’s take a closer look at why someone might not want to go to couples therapy:

Can a Marriage Be Saved Without Counseling?

In some situations, a couple can save their marriage without counseling if they have the tools to improve their relationship and the dedication to see the process through. However, it’s often beneficial to work with a professional because they have experience working through the types of problems that you’re going through. It can also be beneficial to meet with an impartial third party for an unbiased perspective.

A common fear—and reason that some people avoid counseling—is that a marriage counselor could encourage divorce. However, at Well Marriage Center, our counselors are marriage-positive and do not recommend divorce. We believe that your relationship is worth saving, can be saved, and we’ll be with you every step of the way.

How Do You Know If It’s Too Late for Marriage Counseling?

It’s never too late for marriage counseling unless either you or your partner no longer wish to stay together. One of the reasons that couples may avoid counseling is because they don’t want to be told that it’s too late to heal their relationship. However, the fact that both members don’t want their relationship to end is a really good sign that it can be saved. Marriage counselors can provide the tools, space, and consistency for couples to recommit to their relationship and find ways to improve it together.

Find a Way Forward with Well Marriage Center

If your relationship feels tense, stale, or disconnected, it doesn’t mean it’s time to call it quits. Instead, consider working with a couples therapist to find ways to heal and rekindle your relationship. You want your relationship to succeed, and at Well Marriage Center, our professionals do, too. 

Give your relationship the time, space, and chance to recover. Visit our website to learn more, and if you’re ready to sign up, fill out our Intake Form to get started. 


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Fun Relationship Exercises for Couples

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Have you hit a rocky patch in your romantic relationship? You’re not alone. Everyone who has ever been in a relationship knows that these are bound to happen occasionally. After all, you’re both human and can’t agree all the time. If you get to a point where you squabble frequently or feel disconnected from  one another, you may consider marriage counseling or couples therapy. It’s a great way to deepen your connection and rekindle your love for one another.

Marriage counseling is about more than showing up to sessions, though. One of the common marriage counseling tips you might discover when searching online, or even once you begin therapy, is that rebuilding your relationship takes effort outside of each session, too. That’s why we have compiled this beginners list of  activities to strengthen your relationship that you and your partner can try on your own.

What Activities Can Couples Do To Strengthen Their Relationship?

There are many activities out there that you can try with your partner to set a spark between you. The ultimate goal of these activities is to improve communication, build trust, and reconnect with one another. Some of the recommended exercises are more serious and you may want to do that with a reliable counselor, such as listing the things you love about the other person as well as one or two complaints you have in your relationship and then sharing that list with one another. Others, like what we’ve listed here, allow you to have fun while strengthening your relationship. 

We take a look at some of the more fun relationship building activities for couples in the next few sections. You can even do some of these couple bonding activities at home.

What Are Some Communication Exercises for Couples?

These activities work to improve both your communication and your active listening skills:

  • Copycat Exercise: You and your partner will need blocks for this activity. The two of you should sit back to back. One of you should build something out of the blocks. Then, once completed, you will explain to your partner how to build what you built. Once done, compare results. Repeat however many times you see fit, but you should both give directions at least once.
  • Obstacle Course: One of you should stand in a room alone. The other person should set up obstacles in a different room. These can be books laying on the floor, chairs blocking normal entry ways, etc. Once completed, tie a blindfold around your partner’s eyes. Without touching them, give them directions on how to get around the obstacles until they reach the other side of the room. You should each take a turn setting up obstacles and guiding the other person at least once.
  • Museum Visit: Go to a museum together and see the same exhibits. Once you’re done, discuss what parts you liked and what you didn’t. Listen to each other’s opinions without arguing. If you would rather, you can also do a book club between you two instead. Read the same book and share opinions on it once you’ve both completed it.

What Are Some Trust Building Exercises for Couples?

These activities allow you to build trust on a small level so that it’s much easier for you to practice it on a larger level:

  • Home Improvement Project: This could be something as small as repainting a portion of the house or as big as building a garden. Whatever you decide, this activity builds trust by teaching you to rely on the other person for help without bossing them around. It even helps with communication because you have to decide what you want to do for your project (what color to paint, what flowers to grow, etc.) together. And you’ll have a constant reminder of the work you did together every time you see your completed project.
  • Take Turns Planning Dates: This exercise is especially useful in relationships where one person might make more decisions than the other person. By taking turns planning dates, you show your partner that you trust them to plan something that you’ll both end up enjoying. And, if all goes well, you’ll have some new, fun memories from it.
  • Create a Dream Board: Sharing your dreams with your partner and allowing them to share with you will build trust between you two. Not only should you discuss your dream boards, but you should also figure out a rough timeline of when you want them to happen and how you two can work together to achieve them.

What Are Good Relationship Building Activities for Fun?

Rekindling the spark in a relationship is just as important as developing clear communication and building trust. These emotional bonding activities for couples can help with that spark:

  • Recreate a Date: Think of one of the first or most enjoyable dates you two had with one another. Recreate that date by visiting the same restaurant, doing the same activities, and/or eating and drinking the same things. This will allow you to relive a time that made you both happy, remember good memories and make more.
  • Plan a Trip: Travel someplace neither of you has been before. This could be to a new country, a new state, or even to a town not too far away. Because neither of you have been there before, you will create new memories with just the two of you and make that place special to your relationship.
  • Start a New Hobby: Find some sort of activity that both of you are interested in trying. This could be taking a cooking class, working out together, or even learning to sail. Whatever you two are feeling, try it out. A new hobby can also help with trust building, as you will have to rely on one another as you both learn.

If you have tried some of these activities and realize that you still need some help in growing your romantic relationship, building trust, or improving communication, marriage counseling and couples therapy can help. Our specialists have over 500 years combined experience just with couples, and are here to assist you on your journey. 

Rebuild a Fun Relationship at Well Marriage Center

At Well Marriage Center, we want to see your relationship succeed as much as you do. That’s why we take a pro-relationship approach to counseling. We believe in your relationship, and we focus on making your marriage work instead of suggesting divorce unless absolutely necessary. If you are ready to improve communication, rebuild trust, and rekindle the fire in your relationship, then seek out our therapists at Well Marriage Center. We know this step can be scary, but don’t worry. We have faith in your relationship, and counseling will only make your relationship stronger. Get started with scheduling an appointment here.


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Success Stories: Nadia and Liam

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On the vulnerability of sharing success stories:

Sometimes a couple wants to share their story. We’re really appreciative of the vulnerability and trust such a feat takes, and we hope you appreciate these stories as well.

(Names have been changed to preserve the author’s privacy.)

If your relationship is struggling, or if you feel empowered to take preventative steps to keep your relationship in a good place, we’re here to work with all couples who are willing to put in the effort.

Great relationships can be built, rebuilt, and sustained.

Nadia and Liam

“Mary asked me to be honest with this, so here goes: when we first came to see Mary, we were ready to separate.  I don’t think I had ever felt more disconnected with Liam.  We fought most of the time, and honestly, we hurt each other quite a bit.  I know I definitely felt hurt.  I honestly didn’t think we could make it.  I cannot describe in words what that feeling is like.

When Liam and I think back to where we were, we’re thankful for two main things.  First, that we went and saw someone instead of just giving up.  And not just someone, but someone who understood what was happening to us.

Mary told us she works primarily with couples and it was obvious she had experience.  Second, we could tell from the very beginning that she wanted us to make it.  It was just a few subtle comments she made in our first meeting that seemed hopeful – at least they gave us hope.  That turned out to be really important for us.

Throughout our time with Mary she really worked hard with us to make progress, to help us understand what was happening in our relationship and also what was happening to us individually.  She helped empower us to heal some old wounds that I never even realized were causing so much pain.  And she got us working right from the beginning to communicate better, which seems like a simple thing, but for a couple that feels so disconnected, it was a big deal for us.

Today we have better self-esteem which helps us to have a better connection with each other.  We have a stronger bond that we both feel.  We are incredibly grateful to Mary – I wish I could rave more freely about her.  What I’ll say is the greatest thing about her: she will work hard for your relationship in a way that helps you feel hope.  You won’t waste your time with her – she gets you moving right from the get-go in a very safe and supportive way.”


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Can Couples Therapy Help You Fall Back in Love?

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Most of us have heard of—and experienced—the honeymoon phase of a relationship. Sparks fly, and everything feels new, happy, and exciting. This stage of a relationship is truly wonderful, but it’s not what sustains a long-term relationship. The fact is, marriages and relationships take work, and they’re bound to have their highs and lows. 

As the months and years go by, it’s not uncommon for feelings to dim over time or for the little things to start adding up. You might start to feel more like roommates. And, you might start to question whether or not you’re still in love with your partner.

If any of this rings true, you might be wondering, “Can lost feelings come back?” The good news is that marriage counseling or couples therapy can help you reignite your love for one another—as long as you and your partner are willing to put in the work. In this guide, we’ll discuss how to bring love back into a marriage with counseling and signs that marriage counseling is working.

How Do You Fix a Relationship After Losing Feelings?

It probably won’t come as a surprise to learn that couples therapy won’t improve your relationship and rejuvenate your feelings overnight. It takes sustained work from both you and your partner. But with dedication and the right couples counselor, it’s more than possible to rekindle your feelings and your relationship! Here are a few tips to help you in this journey.

Be Ready to Put in the Work

There’s no doubt about it; couples therapy—and the work you do both in and out of sessions—is hard. During therapy sessions, you’ll likely find yourself having difficult conversations and confronting big or small issues in your relationship. Your counselor can help you identify unhealthy patterns in your relationship, understand the roadblocks or issues you are facing, and develop strategies to improve these situations—and ultimately, your relationship. 

In addition to showing up physically and mentally for counseling sessions, you may also be asked to do homework outside of sessions. For example, you might be asked to write your partner a letter about what you admire about them. Or, you might be asked to share experiences with one another, like watching a favorite movie, sharing a hobby, or going on a date. Putting the work in and intentionally completing these kinds of activities can help you rebuild the foundation of your relationship and fall back in “like” with each other, one of the key elements for finding your way back to love.

Remember What Made You Fall in Love in the First Place

When your relationship feels tense, it can be difficult to remember the good moments and what you love, or once loved, about your partner. Combine that with kids, bills, workplace stressors, and so much more, and it can be easy to forget your partner’s good qualities. But rediscovering the feelings you once had can go a long way to rekindling your love.

At Well Marriage Center, we practice a strengths-based approach to marriage counseling, which uses your individual and relational strengths to build a foundation for success. When we begin working with a couple, we start with a structured relationship strengths and wellness assessment. You’ll be asked to reflect and share what brought you together, what your relationship was like in the beginning, what some of your favorite moments have been, and more. Not only can doing this build a safe space to discuss your current relationship dynamics and issues, but it will help you remember what you truly admire about one another.

Be Vulnerable and Willing to Grow and Adapt

Maybe you’re feeling stressed about household chores, the kids, your job, or other responsibilities. Maybe you’ve found that your relationship has developed unhealthy communication patterns. Maybe a lack of intimacy has instilled feelings of doubt. Maybe things have gotten so rough or feel so hopeless that you’re wondering, “Is marriage counseling worth it?” 

While it may seem counterintuitive, being vulnerable and opening up about your concerns in a healthy and safe environment, like couples therapy, can help you and your partner reconnect. Our therapists are specifically trained to walk you through these moments of vulnerability. When resentments and negative feelings build up, it tends to block out the good stuff about your partner. If you can both open up about how you’re feeling and be willing to work on improving these problems, though, these negative feelings can fade in light of understanding. This will make it much easier to notice all the qualities about your partner that made you fall in love to begin with.

Do Couples Stay Together After Therapy?

Yes—time and time again we see couples rekindle their love for each other! Couples therapy often gets a bad reputation, and you’ve probably heard horror stories about therapists telling couples to split. But the truth is that many marriage counselors, including our team at Well Marriage Center, practice a pro-relationship approach to therapy. 

What this means is that you won’t have to worry about things like, “Will a couples therapist tell you to break up?” Our therapists are relationship specialists who will carry the support and hope that you and your partner can heal your relationship and rekindle your love.

Rebuild Your Love with Well Marriage Center

Beginning therapy is often a scary or anxiety-riddled endeavor for couples. At Well Marriage Center, we’ve made it our goal to ensure that you and your partner feel supported every step of the way. Before you get started, it can be helpful to review our website to find out more about our process and what to expect.

Once you’re ready, you can get started by filling out a short Intake Form and setting up a call with our Intake Coordinator, Melinda. She’ll answer any questions you have and connect you with one of our experienced therapists. Taking the next step will take work—but your effort can help you reignite your relationship.


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What Is Talked About During Marriage Counseling?

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Nervous about your first marriage counseling session? You’re not alone. Marriage counseling is an extremely vulnerable experience, bound to unearth intense emotions for everyone involved. Fortunately, if you and your partner know what to expect before you begin, it can feel a lot less scary—and you’ll likely get more out of the experience. So, how do couples prepare for a therapy session? Although the specifics of your marriage/ couples therapy exercises will differ depending on your unique goals, there are some basic steps you can take to ready yourself for any initial therapy session. 

To help prepare you for your healing journey, Well Marriage Center answered a few of the most common marriage counseling questions that couples ask when starting therapy. 

Frequently Asked Marriage Counseling Session Questions

What Do You Talk About Before Couples Counseling?

Naturally, every couple’s reasons for pursuing therapy differ. However, there are common factors that often contribute to strife in a relationship, such as:

  • Communication issues
  • Loss of romantic feelings
  • Financial issues
  • How to raise children 
  • Health issues
  • Trauma  
  • Intimacy issues
  • Infidelity

If there are clear stressors—like those listed above—that you and your partner deem the main source of tension, then it would be best to review those points before your first therapy session. 

However, if your reasoning is less cut and dry, then it maybe is beneficial for you both to explore the following questions before starting therapy: 

  • Do we want to stay together? 
  • What are your opinions of therapy?
  • What are the most significant problems in our marriage? 
  • Does this rough patch/relationship feel temporary or permanent?
  • When did you first notice that something was wrong? 

Going through these questions can give you a better idea of how to navigate counseling. It’s important to note that you do not need concrete answers so long as you both actively engage with these questions on a deeper emotional level. 

Additionally, reviewing these types of questions in advance will better prepare you and your partner to have difficult conversations, making your first counseling experience more productive and beneficial for everyone.

What Do You Talk About During Marriage Counseling?

As we’ve said before, the specific topics of each counseling session vary greatly depending on the couple’s unique goals and challenges. Every couple is different, so every counseling approach is equally distinctive. That being said, here are a few of the most common questions a good therapist  asks during an initial counseling session. 

  • In general, how would you describe your life and marriage together?
  • What does the timeline of your relationship look like? 
  • What strengths do you bring to the table in your relationship? And what strengths do you think your partner has? 
  • Do you have any prior experience with marriage counseling or other types of therapy?
  • What made you decide to seek marriage counseling?
  • Have you tried anything to resolve present issues before seeking counseling? What did you try, and how did that go?
  • What do you expect to get out of couples therapy? 
  • Do you currently want to stay with your partner? Why or why not? 
  • Are you willing to put in the work and make changes to improve the quality of your marriage?

Is There a Difference Between Couples Therapy vs Marriage Counseling?

This depends on who you ask, but Well Marriage Center uses these terms interchangeably. We believe that all couples, legally married or not, can repair and strengthen their relationships via therapy. Ultimately, the end goal of therapy for all types of couples is the same—to heal, reinforce their relationship, and bring about a happier future together. 

How Long Do Couples Usually Go to Counseling?

The actual duration of couples counseling is different for everyone and depends on several factors, like:

  • How long you have been together
  • What your needs are
  • What challenges are present
  • The counseling model used by the therapist

In the end, the average length of marriage counseling doesn’t matter. A couple may pursue counseling for as long as they need to; incorporating a strict timeline doesn’t do anyone any favors, and may add unnecessary stress. 

Searching For Pro-Relationship Counseling? Try Well Marriage Center

It’s important to understand that pursuing counseling does not mean you have failed as a couple. Instead, it’s a chance to make your relationship even stronger. Regardless of your specific situation, you and your partner deserve a therapist who will help you pursue individual happiness while advocating for the success of your relationship. 

Although counseling can feel daunting, the right therapist will help you and your partner work through the tension to build a stronger and happier union. Our licensed, specialized therapists know how to tailor your therapy experience so you and your partner can discover mutually beneficial solutions. 

If you are both ready to take the first step of your counseling journey, fill out our short intake form and set up a consultation with our Intake Coordinator, Melinda. She’ll happily walk you through our process and answer any questions you have to match you with a counselor who meets your unique needs. 


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What Should I Not Tell a Marriage Counselor?

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All relationships go through phases. Sometimes, you’re perfectly in sync with your partner and your personalities just click. You are open when communicating with each other, and you are excited to celebrate their wins or weather their losses together. Then there are times when you can’t seem to agree on anything. Whether it’s spending habits or how they chew, sometimes your partner just irritates you. There are also the times in between, when you and your partner settle into your routines. You may start to feel more like coworkers and roommates while doing chores, running errands, or raising kids and pets. Whichever stage you’re in, you’re not alone. Couples across the globe struggle to keep the spark alive when everyday life gets in the way.

And, while you’re not alone in your experience, you also don’t have to be alone in working toward a more solid relationship. That’s where marriage counseling comes in. In fact, 49% of couples have attended some form of counseling with their partner, even if they aren’t married. A growing number of couples are seeing the benefits that sessions can have on their relationships, such as improving communication, identifying the root causes of conflicts, and strengthening emotional and physical intimacy. Yet, it’s not uncommon to feel hesitant to open up about your private life to a professional. Lacking answers to questions like “What do you say at marriage counseling?” and “Why does marriage counseling fail?” can prevent couples from seeking help, even when they truly need it. 

At Well Marriage Center, our goal is to make the benefits of couples therapy accessible to all, so we’ve put together this guide on marriage counseling: what not to say. 

What Not To Say During Couples Counseling?

While you shouldn’t hide anything from your couples therapist, there are certain phrases or ways of saying things that will harm your relationship further instead of healing it. Oftentimes, these phrases are ways of lashing out about problems rather than identifying and working to solve them, which causes both sides to feel worse after marriage counseling. Here’s a list of phrases you should avoid in favor of more reflective ones:  

“No, You’re Wrong…”

While both you and your partner should feel comfortable expressing how you feel, shutting down the other party’s perspective or playing the blame game closes off communication and leaves no room for growth. The same situation could be interpreted completely differently by you and your partner. If they start to open up about what they experienced and you interrupt with “You’re wrong,” you won’t get the chance to understand their perspective. You don’t necessarily have to agree with your partner’s version of events, but it helps to know what they are in order to get to the root cause of your disconnect. 

“Don’t Tell My Partner This…”

You don’t want to create a situation with your couples therapist taking sides. Asking your therapist to keep a secret from your partner can put them in a tricky situation. Should they take your side and keep your secret or should they take your partner’s side—revealing your secret and possibly compromising the relationship while betraying your trust? If you have information that you aren’t sure how to share with your partner, however, it is okay to ask your therapist to help create a plan to have that conversation. 

“I’m Done. I Want a Divorce.”

Often, this is purely an expression of frustration and a way to try to make your partner feel small. We can tell because if you really wanted to end the relationship, you would be meeting with a divorce lawyer instead of a couples therapist. Instead of this phrase that can only result in your partner getting defensive or shouting back the same, it’s more constructive to explain the feelings behind those words. Are you struggling to believe that things could get better, or has your partner hurt you in a way that you don’t feel you can move on from?  

What Do You Say During Marriage Counseling?

If you find yourself ready to lash out with words that you hope will do some damage, then you should say something different. When you feel like using any of the above phrases, here’s a list of what you could say instead:

“No, You’re Wrong…”

  • Instead, say “I understand why you feel this way, but I had a different experience during this situation.”

“Don’t Tell My Partner This…”

  • Instead, say “I’m not sure how to tell my partner this. Can you help me bring this up once our relationship is strong enough?”

“I’m Done. I Want a Divorce.”

  • Instead, say “I don’t feel that you’re trying to understand my concerns as we work on our relationship.”

Using these alternative phrases doesn’t just help prevent tense situations from escalating, they can also help you rekindle your trust and respect. Choosing to not be reactive gives you the chance to learn more about your partner and their experience, which can bring you closer to one another. 

Relationships Are Hard. Navigate the Ups and Downs with Well Marriage Center. 

“If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” may be sound advice for your garage door, but it isn’t for your relationship. Even if you aren’t experiencing major problems in your relationship, couples therapy can still benefit you and your partner by opening up communication. At Well Marriage Center, we view couples therapy as preventative care. We help you uncover and deal with underlying challenges in your relationship so you can fix them early or heal from unresolved issues. 

That’s why we’ve made getting started with a couples therapist easy. All you have to do is schedule an initial consultation online with our Intake Coordinator, Melinda. Then we create a customized plan to help you meet your goals through consistent appointments. Are you ready to build the foundation for a more healthy, intimate relationship? Schedule an appointment to get started! 


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