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Why is there so much Conflict (and What to do About It)

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Humans are notoriously complex creatures and this complexity often follows us and is expanded within our relationships. Sometimes, these complexities turn into high-conflict cycles that are difficult to resolve, whether it’s with our partners, others, or even just ourselves.

Why do we Experience Conflict?

We all bring fears, anxieties, communication styles, and past problems to relationships.

It’s common that as our relationship grows through time, we’re confronted with these realities within ourselves. Sometimes we reach a place where rather than dealing with our internal conflicts we project these feelings onto our partner—even when their intentions are good or they are just being themselves.

The first step to repairing this is to understand our own feelings and where they originate. Realizing that almost everything we feel has its roots somewhere within us allows us to take our partner’s actions and reactions out of the picture. When we understand our own emotions, they’re easier to talk about and work through – and our conversations can be more productive than, say, arguing about chores.

Another common scenario is that we don’t feel comfortable expressing our needs clearly, or maybe when we do voice them, we don’t feel as if they are understood or accepted. Having different communication styles, expectations, and different mindsets about complex situations often amplifies these issues. To de-escalate conflict, agree to take a break and agree to come back. Use this break time to outline your needs and expectations clearly to yourself, so you can present them calmly and address them as a team.

It’s important to remember that all our behaviors fill some need or desire. We watch television or take a walk to relax; we go to work so we can eat and pay our bills; we argue about the chores because we have a need for order or control; we reach fight, flight, or fawn to protect ourselves. The list goes on…

Learning to pause and recognize what our needs are in the moment, and those of our partner, can take practice, but once we understand that we’re all trying to achieve a goal, conflicts come into perspective and are easier to resolve.

The Big Tips

  • Don’t take your partner’s behavior personally

  • Take a break when tempers flare

  • Come back to the disagreement with cool heads

  • Clearly express your needs

  • Hear your partner and try to understand their point of view

  • Remember you’re on the same team

  • Approach conflict with a mindset of solution-seeking

Understanding that our behaviors, and those of our partner, are a step toward reaching a goal also helps us to not take things personally, which allows us to move ahead with seeking a solution and common ground. When we take things personally, we often escalate the situation with a desire to “win” the argument. This can also look like rigidly chasing after one solution when a compromise would soothe both parties. Remember to come to the conflict in good faith that you’re both trying to find a win that meets both of your needs.

Flooding

When emotions take over during conflict, it’s referred to as flooding. This happens when we are driven by our anger, insecurities, and personal agendas – so much so that these factors take a higher priority than a workable compromise or our partner’s feelings.

Flooding takes an escalation of arguing or yelling into verbal abuse or shutting down, depending on your communication habits. In these moments we can do incredible damage to our partner by making them feel alienated, unimportant, and unheard.

When our voices start to rise and hearts begin to pound, remember to take a beat. We need to gather our thoughts in a quiet space to define our own needs, and then figure out how and when to communicate them clearly.

This can take practice, especially if we are used to letting our emotions run rampant in these moments. We may feel slightly appeased after the flooding, but it inevitably causes extra damage to our relationships—damage that is harder to repair.

When to Seek Guidance

Even with our best efforts, we can’t always break these conflict patterns by ourselves. Maybe one partner is progressing and doing great but the other isn’t interested in growing out of the negative conflict habits. Both partners may try and not quite succeed in establishing new communication methods.

This is where a skilled relationship therapist, like ours at Well Marriage, can help couples envision and achieve deeper relationship bonds. Our therapists get to the heart of these issues, baggage, and patterns. They give you the tools you need and offer a safe space to express each partner’s point of view and teach methods for healthier communication. Even if one partner begins the therapeutic journey, it often helps things at home – and typically the other partner will decide to join after seeing positive changes.

An interesting fact about couples therapy is that “the average person receiving couple therapy is better off [by the end of their sessions] than 70%–80% of individuals not receiving treatment—an improvement rate that rivals or exceeds the most effective psychosocial and pharmacological interventions for individual mental health disorders” (Fam Process, 2022.)

Through 40 years of clinical experience, our team has helped over 15,000 couples with our modern, strengths-based marriage counseling and couples therapy.

We help couples find their way back to each other. Having improved relationships improves our self-esteem as well as how we relate to the world around us.

 

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Marriage Counseling in Charlottesville, VA

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Marriage counseling can be an intimidating thing to start, especially if you haven’t had any experience with therapy in the past. But setting aside time to strengthen your bond and improve your relationship communication, among other issues, is a positive step to take that doesn’t have to be scary. 

A good place to start is to look for a practice that specializes in relationships, marriage counseling, or couples therapy. Therapists with training and experience working with couples and families will be able to provide an empathetic, more effective path towards improving your relationship. At Well Marriage Center, all our counselors specialize in working with couples, so have extensive experience and use the latest training for the best results. 

For many couples, working with a therapist who is physically close by is another important aspect, especially since many practices aren’t licensed across state lines. For example, if you live near Charlottesville, Virginia, searching for “marriage counseling near me” or “best therapists in Charlottesville, VA” is obviously a useful place to start. 

What Is the Difference Between Couples Therapy and Marriage Counseling?

At Well Marriage Center, the terms “couples therapy” and “marriage counseling” are used interchangeably. Either term means that a couple is in a serious and committed relationship and they would like to strengthen their bond or work on resolving an issue. 

No matter what you call it, therapy for couples in a relationship is a dedicated time for partners to:

  • Improve communication, listening, and conflict management skills
  • Invigorate their relationship, trust, & intimacy
  • Interrupt unhealthy behavior patterns
  • Overcome relationship challenges
  • Heal past wounds

Some partners seek out counseling when issues arise in their relationship, like infidelity, an increase in disagreements, or a lack of connection. For others, therapy is a regular part of their relationship maintenance, and they use it as a time to deepen their connection and learn new ways of expressing themselves to each other. However you slice it, setting aside a specific time and energy to focus on one of your most important relationships will help you build a stronger connection to your partner, and therapy can be a useful tool in any relationship. 

What Does Couples Counseling Do?

Every marriage counseling practice will do things a little differently, but there are two modern elements that Well Marriage thinks are most important: strengths-based and marriage-friendly counseling.

Strengths-Based Counseling

In a strengths-based approach, your therapist will begin by asking you and your partner about the positive elements of your relationship and the strengths of your partner. Doing this focuses on what brought you together as a couple in the first place: the good times you have shared, the things you like, and what you respect about each other now. Focusing on (and building upon) these strengths can be a much better start to counseling than jumping straight into the current issues you may be facing. Research shows this approach strengthens a couple’s ability to face challenges as a team.

Marriage-Friendly Counseling

A marriage-friendly therapist (or pro-relationship therapist) will come to each session with the underlying assumption that your relationship can be a happy and fulfilling one. As long as both people are willing to put in the work to create or reinvigorate their relationship, Well Marriage Center believes couples will be successful in their goals. Many other counselors start from a marriage-neutral point, where they do not form an opinion on whether or not a couple should stay together. To us, this makes it harder to truly support the relationship during the delicate moments that can arise during sessions. Knowing your counselor is on the side of your relationship and wants it to succeed can make the process easier for everyone.

When You Think “Couples Therapy Near Me,” Think Well Marriage Center

Well Marriage Center has helped well over 15,000 couples improve their relationships and rekindle their romance. We offer marriage counseling in Virginia, Maryland, Washington DC, North and South Carolina, Florida, and California. If you prefer virtual counseling, that is available for those living in any of these states as well.

In addition to marriage counseling and couples therapy, we also offer dating or premarital counseling in Charlottesville, VA and at all our other locations. Our other services include individual support for relationship issues and family therapy. When you’re ready, getting started with us is an easy process. We love empowering couples to cultivate the bond they deserve!

What Techniques Do Marriage Counselors Use?

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Marriage counseling provides space and opportunity for couples of all types to build upon their partnership, wherever they are in their relationship journey. However, if you’re new to the idea of couples therapy (or therapy at all), you may have questions about it—and whether it’s worth trying. You might be wondering what to expect in a session, what sorts of couples therapy techniques are being used, or if couples therapy even works at all. Well, look no further: we’re here to help. Let’s talk a bit about marriage counseling, some things you can expect in a session, and how we believe it can help any relationship—including yours!

Can Therapy Help with Relationship Problems?

The short answer is yes—it absolutely can! In fact, as of 2022, couples therapy has never been more helpful in restoring, rebuilding, or even just improving relationships. A recent study by the Journal of Marital & Family Therapy found that 70% of couples saw therapy as helpful, or even integral, in renewing their partnership. For some types of therapy, that rate is even higher! This, combined with other factors, has contributed to a steady decline in divorce rates in the United States since the early 1980’s.

Part of this success for marriage counseling is due to the fact that we now have various proven methods of counseling couples, all of which are meant to fit various relationship stages, areas of concern, or focuses for improvement. To answer more of your couples therapy questions, let’s dive into five of those techniques, and what benefits each of them can provide to your marriage.

Five Types of Couples Therapy

Here, we will cover five different techniques that are proven to have positive results: Behavioral Marital Therapy, the Developmental Model, the Gottman Method, Emotionally Focused Therapy, and Imago Therapy. Ultimately, every relationship is different and requires a unique approach, but these five can provide a good starting point for establishing therapy goals or even prescribing couples therapy exercises:

  1. Behavioral Marital Therapy—a myriad of techniques based around encouraging good communication and positively reinforcing good behavior. This technique theorizes that the behaviors most enforced in a relationship—positive or negative—are the ones that will most likely be repeated.
  2. The Developmental Model of Couples Therapy—also known as the Bader-Pearson model, this technique theorizes  that relationships, like people, have different developmental stages of intimacy, and that each partner arrives at each development stage on an individual level. This suggests that many of the challenges couples face are from being in different developmental stages, and the best solutions depend on the unique combination of development stages between partners.
  3. The Gottman Method—developed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, this method targets four key behaviors that cause harm to relationships (which we’ll discuss later), then gives couples techniques to notice, avoid, and even replace these behaviors. They do this using nine key principles to foster healthy relationships, including Trust, Commitment, Building Love Maps, and more.
  4. Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)—this model “prioritizes emotion and emotional regulation” as the central factor in relationship building. Emotionally focused couples therapy aims to strengthen emotional bonds in couples first, which in turn should translate to improving other aspects of the marriage or relationship.
  5. Imago Therapy—a theory that elevates working with the inner child, therapists who employ Imago will aim to help couples “understand each other’s feelings and ‘childhood wounds’ more empathically, allowing them to heal themselves and their relationships.”

Let’s dive a bit deeper into one of these techniques, also one of the most popular: the Gottman Method.

What Is Gottman Method Couples Therapy?

Gottman couples therapy techniques are backed by decades of research, reports, and discussions around what makes marriages work. Through their research, they’ve been able to pinpoint four communication behaviors that predict divorce, which they have dubbed the Four Horsemen:

    • Criticism: inherently negative observations and personal attacks from one partner to the other
    • Defensiveness: response to any criticism—even constructive—with hostility or denial of responsibility
    • Contempt: a loss of respect for the other partner; this is the highest predictor of divorce
    • Stonewalling: communication shuts down, and what rare communication remains is oftentimes hostile

While each of these might be present at some point in a marriage, their presence does not mean a marriage can’t be saved. Rather, they serve as a sign that there is opportunity to add more positive communication techniques into a marriage, something that marriage counseling can certainly help with. Gottman proposes nine such behaviors—known at the Sound Relationship House—that can be used to root out the Four Horsemen from a marriage, all by building a solid “house” of layered principles. They are as follows, in this specific order:

  1. Build Love Maps—cataloging “essential guide to your partner’s inner world,” including likes, dislikes, and other key facts about them
  2. Share Fondness and Admiration—the practice of telling your partner the things you like about them
  3. Turn Towards—actively responding to your partner when they “bid” for your attention, help, or support.
  4. Positive Perspective—not rushing to criticism, and assuming the best case scenario when your partner does something that rubs you the wrong way (i.e. “perhaps they didn’t realize this affected me this way”)
  5. Conflict Management—not avoiding conflict, but having a method to resolve it healthily
  6. Make Life Dreams Come True—supporting each other’s goals, and even helping achieve them
  7. Create Shared Meaning—like Love Maps, building a guide to an inner world, but for your relationship
  8. Trust—one of the “weight bearing walls,” focused on establishing mutual trust
  9. Commitment—the other “weight bearing wall,” developing faith in the relationship and your partner

Each of these nine tenets comes with their own exercises, techniques, and suggestions for improvement in the marriage. Keep in mind, this is just a brief overview of the Gottman method, and the specific approach will vary depending on what your therapist determines is a key focus. Also note that the Gottman method is just one of many techniques available to help with your marriage; an experienced therapist, like our team at Well Marriage Center, can determine what techniques may be right for your relationship. 

Want to Learn More About Marriage Counseling?

If you’re interested in learning more about what kind of therapy will best suit your partnership, we at Well Marriage Center are here for you. Our therapists implement the best, most proven techniques—like the five described above—to create a unique strategy for every marriage. We have worked with over 15,000 couples (both in person and virtually) to help partners rediscover all of the beauty their relationships hold, and if you work with us, we can help you do the same.

Ready to fall in love with your partner all over again? Please schedule an appointment with our intake coordinator Melinda to take the next step on your relationship journey. We look forward to hearing from you.

A Marriage that Heals

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Written by Glen Denlinger

There are numerous functions and purposes for marital love. One our society doesn’t talk about enough is the healing function of marriage. As children we all experience woundedness, some more so than others. In addition to struggles from childhood, emotional pain is something we experience and accumulate all throughout life. 

Love, Warts and All

Marriage has a unique comforting and healing component to it. Allowing someone to intrinsically love us, warts and all, is part of that healing component and especially so for our childhood pain. Frequently we hold back from being vulnerable in our closest relationships and limit that healing.

Sometimes, too, love unfortunately becomes toxic and it isn’t safe to be vulnerable. When that happens, ideally it is only for a season. We learn to work our way out of negative emotional cycles and keep growing forward together with our partner. Couples therapy is designed to help us turn our marriages around and make them safe places where transparency and vulnerability occur and healing happens.

Growing Past the Disappointments

Another way marriage is designed to heal is by disappointing us. That may sound strange but after the honeymoon phase of love, disillusionment often sets in. Sometimes the disillusionment phase doesn’t come until many years later. Choosing to love a spouse when they disappoint us can grow us up inside and bring healing, growth and maturity to a fractured and wounded self.

While paradoxical, it’s somewhat like the benefit forgiving provides the person doing the forgiving. Counselors will tell you there are several types of forgiveness. There is the healthy and functional type, but there is also the doormat and enabling type which doesn’t promote healing at all.

Marriage counseling, or couples therapy, is designed to walk you through both the childhood pain and resulting toxic emotional cycles, as well as through disappointments and disillusionment that often show up in long-term relationships. We all get to choose how our love grows or stagnates.

Doing the Work

Is your marriage or significant relationship one that provides healing and growth for both you and your partner? If not, help is readily available. Changing and improving the relationship to make it healing is worth all the effort it takes to make that happen.

 


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