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Why Do Men Struggle to Communicate?

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Have you ever found yourself wondering why your husband or boyfriend can’t communicate well? Odds are that you have, and that’s completely normal. The fact is that communication is hard for people of all genders. This is especially true in romantic relationships where emotional vulnerability and communication are intertwined with jobs, kids, illness, and the everyday stressors of life.

And while everyone sometimes struggles with relationship communication, stereotypes tell us that men—more than anyone else—have difficulty expressing themselves. Is there any truth to these stereotypes? If so, why do men find it difficult to communicate? And perhaps most importantly, is there a solution to lack of communication in a marriage or relationship—regardless of who is struggling? We explore these questions below.

Why Do Men Struggle to Talk About Their Feelings?

Some men do find it difficult to talk openly about how they feel; while the reasons why are vast and complex, alexithymia and gender norms around masculinity may play a role. 

  • Alexithymia is the term used to describe those individuals who find it challenging to understand, process, and share their feelings and emotions. And while anyone can deal with this, it is more common among men. In fact, the term normative male alexithymia is a specific subclass of alexithymia where boys and men have difficulty expressing emotion—largely because of societal expectations.
  • Gender norms and cultural expectations around masculinity may also play a role in why some men struggle to communicate. Especially in the United States and in other western European countries, women are often expected to show a greater range of emotions than men. Meanwhile, male emotional suppression is a relatively common cultural norm. 

With that said, anyone—of any gender—may find it difficult to communicate and express themselves for any number of reasons. Whether you’re working through communication difficulties on your own or with the help of a licensed couples therapist, it’s typically more helpful to get to the root cause of the issue rather than jumping to stereotypes about male vs female communication in relationships. In the rest of this article, we’ll explore themes around why anyone may struggle with relationship communication and what to do about it.

What Causes Lack of Communication in a Relationship?

There are several reasons why communication breaks down in a relationship, and some of the most common include stress, poor listening skills, unhealthy communication patterns, and a lack of trust or intimacy.

  • Life Stressors: Sometimes, a lack of communication or poor communication is attributed to stress. If you and your partner are busy with work, kids, and other emotionally-draining responsibilities, it becomes easy to de-prioritize communication. 
  • Poor Listening Skills: If you or your partner doesn’t feel validated and heard, it may result in misunderstanding or frustration. These issues can cause communication to break down.
  • Unhealthy Communication: Damaging kinds of communication, like criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling may cause you or your partner to become hesitant to communicate.
  • Lack of Trust or Intimacy: Trust, intimacy, vulnerability, and transparency are hallmarks of a good relationship. When one or more of these disappears, communication may become strained.

Fortunately, it’s more than possible to improve you and your partner’s communication. With dedication and the right strategies, your relationship can flourish and become stronger than ever.

What to Do When You Can’t Communicate With Your Partner

When you’re struggling to communicate in your relationship, it’s critical to recognize the issues that you and your partner are facing so you can intentionally work toward improvement. The following tips and strategies can help you on your journey toward healthy, open communication with one another.

  • Be Honest and Vulnerable: These are some of the most important aspects of a relationship. When you and your partner communicate, practice honesty and vulnerability. Not only does this enable you both to better understand the struggles and concerns you’re facing, but it builds trust and intimacy. 
  • Practice Active Listening: As you’re communicating with your partner, practice active listening. Make a dedicated effort to truly hear what they are saying. Avoid interrupting them or thinking through your responses as they speak. Simply listen in the moment. Some couples find reflective listening useful, which is when you repeat what your partner has said back to them, in your own words. 
  • Set Clear Boundaries and Expectations: What do you expect of your partner, and what boundaries are important to each of you? You can discuss overall expectations and boundaries in your relationship as well as those that are specific to communication. Communicating clearly and honestly about these can help avoid frustration and misunderstandings, especially during tense discussions.
  • Check In With Each Other: While scheduling a check-in may seem silly, setting aside time to see how the other person is doing, identify any concerns, and just talk about your relationship is important. This process allows you to dedicate time toward growing your partnership, and it can reduce the possibility of built-up tension or resentment.
  • Attend Couples Therapy: We all need help sometimes, and even the strongest relationships benefit from talking to a professional. At Well Marriage Center, our licensed therapists are experts in relationship communication. They work with couples to identify communication blockers and healthy ways to move forward.

Well Marriage Center: Building Bridges to Better Communication

Relationships are hard work, and when communication breaks down—for whatever reason—the path forward can feel rocky at best. But that’s where our counselors at Well Marriage Center can help. Our team practices a marriage-positive, strengths-based approach to counseling to help you and your partner create a path toward a healthier, more fulfilling relationship.

At Well Marriage Center, we offer in-person and virtual counseling for couples looking to improve their communication and rejuvenate their relationship. Reach out today to get started.

 

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Success Stories: Kevin and Paula

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On the vulnerability of sharing success stories:

Sometimes a couple wants to share their story. We’re really appreciative of the vulnerability and trust such a feat takes, and we hope you appreciate these stories as well.

(Names have been changed to preserve the author’s privacy.)

If your relationship is struggling, or if you feel empowered to take preventative steps to keep your relationship in a good place, we’re here to work with all couples who are willing to put in the effort.

Great relationships can be built, rebuilt, and sustained.

Kevin and Paula:

“After thirty some years together, I had always thought our marriage was in good shape, and that the ‘bumps in the road’ were typical of most marriages. But it was only after my wife took the step to reach out for help through the Well Marriage Center that I began to face the reality that from my wife’s perspective and experience things were not as good as I thought, and no matter how much our marriage may have been typical of any relationship of substantial duration, there was always room for improvement.

From the first conversation we had, I had to face the fact that making the time to listen to each other was sorely needed in ours.

While I questioned at first whether we needed outside help to do so, I’m so glad now that my wife pressed the issue and that we have followed through on our commitment to each other to make the investment of time in our marriage and to work on making our good relationship better. I’ve benefited from the time that we’ve had to really listen to each other at our sessions and for me to put many of my assumptions and my explanations aside and to really hear my wife’s frustration with my patterns of behavior over the years.

Our process individually and together at the Well Marriage Center has also helped us build on what was and is a good relationship by taking the time to recognize what has made it such.

I’ve particularly benefited from identifying the ruts that I’ve fallen into that seem to go hand in hand with us men and that, while benefiting me on many levels in my life, tended to isolate me and work against me in my relationship with my wife.

Being able to talk with the therapist and coach, and with my wife, about those behaviors in a non-judgmental and accepting environment has been liberating and relationship changing. Looking back, I wished I had pursued such an opportunity much sooner.

In truth, I’m amazed that my wife put up with me as long as she did, and at the same time I’m grateful that she gave me this chance – certainly way beyond a second chance – to work with her at the Well Marriage Center on smoothing out our bumps in the road. Many of which have been my own.


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Success Stories: Sydney and Andrew

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On the vulnerability of sharing success stories:

Sometimes a couple wants to share their story. We’re really appreciative of the vulnerability and trust such a feat takes, and we hope you appreciate these stories as well.

(Names have been changed to preserve the author’s privacy.)

If your relationship is struggling, or if you feel empowered to take preventative steps to keep your relationship in a good place, we’re here to work with all couples who are willing to put in the effort.

Great relationships can be built, rebuilt, and sustained.

Sydney and Andrew:

“My wife and I had been married 22 years when we came to Well Marriage Center for help. Sydney is a night-owl and has always liked reading in bed until late. I had found a new job that forced me to be up early in the morning. I started sleeping in our guest room and bringing my clothes with me for the next morning.

Before we knew it, I was pretty much living in the other room and we were stuck in a rut. We had been sleeping apart for about 3 years, which destroyed our intimacy and had us both feeling very disconnected with each other.

I don’t think I realized how alone each of us felt in our marriage until Sydney told me she didn’t know if our marriage would make it–she described it as a “catastrophic disconnection.”

We needed help. What we appreciated about Michael Fronce from the very beginning was his confident and warm demeanor. He spent the first meeting learning all about what had initially attracted us to each other and what had allowed us so much marital success before now.

I swear, we left that first session feeling really upbeat and hopeful; that set the tone for all the work we were about to do. Michael worked with us on the concept of “us” and the concept of “team.” He helped us explore some pretty deep attachments we had formed and how they had been injured, damaged or rerouted over the previous few years.

He wanted me to be honest with this write-up, so let me just say, it’s really vulnerable work.

Good marriage counseling probably doesn’t work unless you are both able to humble yourselves. But when you start to feel that trust come back and that safety come back…it’s worth it!

Sydney and I together decided to redesign our bedroom and create a space we could both feel good about and comfortable in. We had equal say and worked through it with Michael. Over the past several months we’ve broken out of our ruts and have changed our routines. We’re feeling truly excited to have our connection back.

Bottom line: we felt really confident in Michael from the very beginning, which was a big deal for both of us considering we had friends who had bad marriage counseling experiences. We could tell he knew what he was doing.  I’d recommend him to all my friends. Both Sydney and I have told Michael that his support, knowing we weren’t alone, had made all the difference in the world.”


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Success Stories: James and Susan

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On the vulnerability of sharing success stories:

Sometimes a couple wants to share their story. We’re really appreciative of the vulnerability and trust such a feat takes, and we hope you appreciate these stories as well.

(Names have been changed to preserve the author’s privacy.)

If your relationship is struggling, or if you feel empowered to take preventative steps to keep your relationship in a good place, we’re here to work with all couples who are willing to put in the effort.

Great relationships can be built, rebuilt, and sustained.

James and Susan:

“A year ago I made the strongest decision of my life: I decided to ask for help with my marriage. I guess you would say my wife and I had the “typical” suffering marriage. We talked less and we fought more. It seemed like we were always critical or negative. We withdrew from each other in almost every way. Marriage became harder than it had ever been before. I finally agreed with Susan to give counseling a try.

I wanted to choose Glen for a variety of reasons, but the main one was because he’s done a lot of work with men, especially around anger issues.  I didn’t really have an anger problem, but I figured someone who could help angry men probably wouldn’t be a waste of my time or money. Susan liked his experience and focus on couples therapy. (We actually agreed on him.)

I know I’m supposed to do more of our story than a testimonial, so I’ll just start with this: I had no idea what to expect in couples therapy. I didn’t know if it would be easy or if it would be really hard.  To be honest, a year later, I think it’s a little of both.

The first month was definitely the hardest because a lot of stuff bubbled up to the surface. Luckily, Glen did two things that probably helped save us. First, he integrated a lot of positive behavior stuff. I didn’t think it would be that great but it was remarkably effective and really changed the way we spoke to and acted towards each other. He’ll be able to explain it better if you see him.

Second, he confronted me early on my work issues. This was a big issue for us, but Glen did it in a way where you could definitely tell he’s worked with guys before.

I didn’t want to storm out of his office. It was a breakthrough for me and led to some really powerful re-prioritizing.

We haven’t been in weekly counseling sessions for a whole year. We saw Glen pretty regularly for a few months while we worked through a bunch of stuff. Then we saw him once a month or once every 2 months just to check-in and talk together about our progress.

Now we’ve decided to see him 1 or 2 times a year.  It’s more of a preventive thing (he calls it wellness) so we don’t run into the problems we had before. He knows us now and what we’ve been through which we really appreciate. We’re excited to start building on the strengths of our relationship.

I’ll say this to close: you have to be willing to make some changes in your life and in your marriage. The good news, at least for us, is that your relationship really can get better. I agree with the other couple who wrote their story and said 10 months ago they never believed their marriage could be this good again. Susan and I have experienced that too and that’s why we wrote this story for Glen.  He really did help us and we’re incredibly grateful for the way in which he did it.  Good luck with your new center Glen, you’re going to do a lot of people good.

 

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