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What Should I Not Tell a Marriage Counselor?

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All relationships go through phases. Sometimes, you’re perfectly in sync with your partner and your personalities just click. You are open when communicating with each other, and you are excited to celebrate their wins or weather their losses together. Then there are times when you can’t seem to agree on anything. Whether it’s spending habits or how they chew, sometimes your partner just irritates you. There are also the times in between, when you and your partner settle into your routines. You may start to feel more like coworkers and roommates while doing chores, running errands, or raising kids and pets. Whichever stage you’re in, you’re not alone. Couples across the globe struggle to keep the spark alive when everyday life gets in the way.

And, while you’re not alone in your experience, you also don’t have to be alone in working toward a more solid relationship. That’s where marriage counseling comes in. In fact, 49% of couples have attended some form of counseling with their partner, even if they aren’t married. A growing number of couples are seeing the benefits that sessions can have on their relationships, such as improving communication, identifying the root causes of conflicts, and strengthening emotional and physical intimacy. Yet, it’s not uncommon to feel hesitant to open up about your private life to a professional. Lacking answers to questions like “What do you say at marriage counseling?” and “Why does marriage counseling fail?” can prevent couples from seeking help, even when they truly need it. 

At Well Marriage Center, our goal is to make the benefits of couples therapy accessible to all, so we’ve put together this guide on marriage counseling: what not to say. 

What Not To Say During Couples Counseling?

While you shouldn’t hide anything from your couples therapist, there are certain phrases or ways of saying things that will harm your relationship further instead of healing it. Oftentimes, these phrases are ways of lashing out about problems rather than identifying and working to solve them, which causes both sides to feel worse after marriage counseling. Here’s a list of phrases you should avoid in favor of more reflective ones:  

“No, You’re Wrong…”

While both you and your partner should feel comfortable expressing how you feel, shutting down the other party’s perspective or playing the blame game closes off communication and leaves no room for growth. The same situation could be interpreted completely differently by you and your partner. If they start to open up about what they experienced and you interrupt with “You’re wrong,” you won’t get the chance to understand their perspective. You don’t necessarily have to agree with your partner’s version of events, but it helps to know what they are in order to get to the root cause of your disconnect. 

“Don’t Tell My Partner This…”

You don’t want to create a situation with your couples therapist taking sides. Asking your therapist to keep a secret from your partner can put them in a tricky situation. Should they take your side and keep your secret or should they take your partner’s side—revealing your secret and possibly compromising the relationship while betraying your trust? If you have information that you aren’t sure how to share with your partner, however, it is okay to ask your therapist to help create a plan to have that conversation. 

“I’m Done. I Want a Divorce.”

Often, this is purely an expression of frustration and a way to try to make your partner feel small. We can tell because if you really wanted to end the relationship, you would be meeting with a divorce lawyer instead of a couples therapist. Instead of this phrase that can only result in your partner getting defensive or shouting back the same, it’s more constructive to explain the feelings behind those words. Are you struggling to believe that things could get better, or has your partner hurt you in a way that you don’t feel you can move on from?  

What Do You Say During Marriage Counseling?

If you find yourself ready to lash out with words that you hope will do some damage, then you should say something different. When you feel like using any of the above phrases, here’s a list of what you could say instead:

“No, You’re Wrong…”

  • Instead, say “I understand why you feel this way, but I had a different experience during this situation.”

“Don’t Tell My Partner This…”

  • Instead, say “I’m not sure how to tell my partner this. Can you help me bring this up once our relationship is strong enough?”

“I’m Done. I Want a Divorce.”

  • Instead, say “I don’t feel that you’re trying to understand my concerns as we work on our relationship.”

Using these alternative phrases doesn’t just help prevent tense situations from escalating, they can also help you rekindle your trust and respect. Choosing to not be reactive gives you the chance to learn more about your partner and their experience, which can bring you closer to one another. 

Relationships Are Hard. Navigate the Ups and Downs with Well Marriage Center. 

“If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” may be sound advice for your garage door, but it isn’t for your relationship. Even if you aren’t experiencing major problems in your relationship, couples therapy can still benefit you and your partner by opening up communication. At Well Marriage Center, we view couples therapy as preventative care. We help you uncover and deal with underlying challenges in your relationship so you can fix them early or heal from unresolved issues. 

That’s why we’ve made getting started with a couples therapist easy. All you have to do is schedule an initial consultation online with our Intake Coordinator, Melinda. Then we create a customized plan to help you meet your goals through consistent appointments. Are you ready to build the foundation for a more healthy, intimate relationship? Schedule an appointment to get started! 


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What Are Common Goals In Couples Therapy?

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The idea of going to marriage counseling can feel like the first domino falling for a failing relationship, but this is a tired and untrue sentiment associated with the practice. Deciding that therapy is the right move for the health of your relationship is one of the best actions you can take as a couple. Our team at Well Marriage Center puts our all into helping couples establish healthy practices they can implement every day so that you can find your way back to one another. 

Every couple we see is unique. Some come in with goals and a plan to attack the hurdles in their relationship, and others feel that something is off but want a professional to talk with. Whether you are in one of these camps or another altogether, there is hope for your unique relationship. Our aim with this blog is to cover the more common goals related to couples counseling so you can go to your sessions with confidence and a plan of action. 

What Is The Most Common Problem Addressed In Couples Therapy?

There is not a single problem that comes up more often than others. Normally, we see a combination of elements that has led a couple to our offices:

  • Communication Issues
  • Emotional Disconnect
  • Affairs & Infidelity
  • Intimacy Issues
  • Significant Life Events
  • Overcoming & Processing Trauma

What Are Examples Of Goals For Therapy?

Therapy goals help outline each session and create a structured path towards a happy relationship. Here are several examples our therapists see that can lead to successful results. 

  • Identify the Root Cause of the Problem: Couples may come to our office for one major issue or a host of irritations, but there is usually more under the surface that has led them to this point. Finding the root of an issue will shed light on all the related topics that both parties need to address. For example, you may be frustrated that your partner never plans anything for both of you to do. But perhaps at the root, you find there is an imbalance of relationship responsibilities that neither of you has addressed head-on. 
  • Better Understand Your Partner’s Perspective: Everyone has a lot going on in their life, and it is easy to lose sight of one another. Therapy creates an environment where both of you sit and hear each other honestly. A past situation that seemed trivial to you could have had a profound emotional impact on your partner, turning a molehill into a mountain. Coming to counseling to understand each other more deeply is a fundamental goal that is a great indicator of success. 
  • Enhance Intimacy: Intimacy is vital, as we thrive on close personal relationships with one another. However, intimacy is often solely thought of as a sexual relationship between two people. Couples counseling will expose you to other types of intimacy, such as experiential, emotional, and intellectual intimacy. Couples can have great sexual intimacy, but if the other types are not being met, your relationship could lack key elements of trust and vulnerability.
  • Achieve Better Communication: It is not uncommon for someone to feel blindsided by couples therapy. In some cases, one party may be ignoring important issues and feel that the relationship is fine. This lack of communication is something consistent sessions can fix over time. Keeping what is bothering you bottled up will lead to festering resentment towards your partner. Therapy can teach you healthy and straightforward communication methods that help avoid meaningless arguments. 

Is It Normal For Unmarried Couples To Go To Counseling?

It is absolutely normal for unmarried couples to go to counseling. Regardless of your marital status, holding off on discussing issues can lead to other, more significant problems. This is only one of the many stigmas around couples counseling that we are working to do away with here at Well Marriage Center. Additionally, we believe that heading into couples therapy even before problems arise can help you build a foundation that lasts.

Practicing healthy communication through therapy at any stage in a relationship enables couples to be better equipped when challenges do arise. Think of it like this—couples therapy is like taking care of your body by going to the gym. You don’t start going after you pull a muscle or break a bone. You go before problems start to appear to ensure that you are capable of surviving, healing, and then moving on.

What Is The Best Therapy For Relationship Problems? 

There are many different forms of couples therapy that counselors will attempt to implement to fix complex relationship issues. Some counselors will keep divorce on the table early on as an option for the couple. That is not how our team sees a successful change for a couple. Well Marriage Center believes that couples enter counseling because they want to get their relationship back to a point where respect, love, and affection are front and center. The best way to achieve this is through what we call pro-relationship counseling. A pro-relationship counselor always advocates for saving, healing, and restoring your relationship. Our team uses clinically proven methods and is committed to avoiding divorce or separation whenever possible.

Well Marriage Center: Where Happily Ever After Begins

Your relationship is special, which is why we refrain from cookie-cutter questions like “what seems to be the problem?” Over our 30+ years of experience with over 15,000 couples, we’ve repeatedly seen our pro-relationship and strengths-based approach work. When we meet with a couple, we start with an extended session (90 minutes) and begin our time with a structured relationship strength-and-wellness assessment. Our counselors are committed to helping you build a brighter relationship future. 

Get started here to put the spark back in your relationship. 


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How Long Is Too Long for Couples Therapy?

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It can be intimidating and scary to join the 49% of couples who attend marriage counseling (or to be part of the 52% who are interested in trying it). Whether you’re currently going to sessions or considering starting, you may be wondering how long this process will take. What’s the average length of marriage counseling? Can you stay in couples therapy too long? 

Don’t worry! All your questions will be answered. From our experience working with over 15,000 couples here at Well Marriage Center, we know that the topic of couples counseling can be sensitive, especially when the stakes feel so high. Let’s get started with some of the most common questions about couples counseling. 

Note: At Well Marriage Center, we use the terms “marriage counseling,” “couples counseling,” and “couples therapy” interchangeably, and we offer our services to any couple—regardless of their marital status. The term “marriage” can be exclusionary or uncomfortable, and we aim to provide an environment that’s welcoming to all couples. What matters most is you, your relationship, and your desire to rediscover joy with your partner.

How Long Do Couples Usually Go to Therapy?

In general, the average length of couples therapy that we see at Well Marriage Center is 12-25 sessions. This takes place over the course of 4 to 10 months. However, the specific number of how many marriage counseling sessions are needed will be determined by your therapist, your unique relationship, and how you and your partner are progressing. Each individual session is typically around the 50 minute mark, although this will vary depending on your therapist.

How Long Is Too Long for Marriage Counseling?

There really isn’t an exact answer to this question because every relationship is different, and every marriage counseling provider has a different approach based on each couple’s unique needs. It’s also important to keep the end goal in mind: a healthy, thriving relationship. Couples therapy is typically designed to be a shorter-term commitment, as opposed to individual therapy, which many people benefit from attending for years. If you’re worried about  couples therapy dragging on forever, be sure to ask your provider about the timeline. 

If you’re feeling like you have been in couples therapy for too long, be sure to consider if you have met your end goal. Have you and your partner learned and implemented communication skills? Are there any unresolved trust or commitment issues lingering? Have you addressed the problems that brought you to couples counseling in the first place? Has your therapist given any guidelines or suggested a potential end goal?

If you and your partner are confident that you have met your end goal, then it’s definitely appropriate to have a conversation with your counselor about wrapping up your sessions. However, if there is still work to be done, then you may want to consider trying a different approach or provider. 

How Long To Try Marriage Counseling Before Divorce

Here at Well Marriage, our focus is on helping couples find their way back to each other. When you’re in the midst of a relationship with serious challenges, we know it can feel overwhelming or even impossible to heal and restore things. But rest assured—there is hope! Our counselors practice pro-relationship counseling, an approach that prioritizes the revitalization of your relationship. We’ve seen so many couples who are convinced they are on the road to splitting up realize through the process of couples therapy that their journey together isn’t over yet. 

When To Stop Marriage Counseling

No matter if you call it “marriage counseling” or “couples therapy,” the fact is that your sessions are not going to last forever. There will come a point where you and your partner have learned how to communicate better and are building a healthy relationship together. In general, look for signs that marriage counseling is working: 

  • You and your partner don’t have as much conflict
  • You have great communication strategies in place (and are practicing them!)
  • You’ve settled on realistic solutions to issues
  • Your relationship is happier and healthier

Your goals will vary, of course, and it’s also a fantastic idea to talk with your counselor about when to stop marriage counseling. After all, they want the same thing that you do—a thriving relationship. The goal of couples therapy isn’t to stay in couples therapy forever, so it’s completely appropriate to ask your therapist about the process and what signals they look for. 

Is It Worth Going to Couples Therapy?

Absolutely! In fact, we think it’s one of the most beneficial steps you can take for your relationship. We believe that almost every relationship can be transformed into a vibrant partnership, as long as both people are willing to put in the work. 

Often people ask things like, “can couples therapy save my relationship?” It’s important to remember that there are so many variables involved, and every relationship will be different. Because of this, it’s difficult to properly assess the effectiveness of couples therapy and impossible to answer this question with a direct yes or no. However, one study found that going through couples counseling can improve outcomes for couples, like relationship satisfaction, communication skills, and general well-being. 

Well Marriage: Couples Therapy Customized for You

Through our experiences at Well Marriage Center, we’ve seen incredible results time after time. We specialize in couples and use a variety of techniques to meet the needs of each unique relationship. Our counselors use empirically-backed approaches and interventions like:

  • Dr. Ellyn Bader – Developmental Model of Couples Therapy (our personal favorite)
  • Dr. John Gottman – Gottman Institute
  • Dr. Sue Johnson – Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)
  • Dr. Harville Hendrix – Imago Therapy
  • Dr. Esther Perel – Eroticism and Desire
  • Dr. Terry Real – Relational Life Institute

We’ll work closely with you to make sure that your couples therapy is the right length and uses techniques that are fitted to your relationship goals and challenges.  If you’re interested in learning more, we invite you to privately explore our website and learn more about what we offer, where we’re located, and what our services cost. 


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How Long Do Couples Usually Go to Counseling?

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Challenging issues  in a relationship can be tough to work through on your own. And research tells us that it takes over two and a half years before couples attempt to address their concerns through marriage counseling. But is counseling really worth it? The Journal of Marital and Family Therapy estimates that the marriage counseling success rate is about 70% and, in some instances, the longer you attend counseling, the higher your chances of success. Of course, the average length of marriage counseling is different for every couple, but ultimately you should expect 10 – 25 sessions for success. Each counseling plan should be tailored to your specific needs. 

At Well Marriage Center, we believe that creating a customized plan around your goals can help you and your significant other discover a renewed, more mature, intimacy and partnership. In this blog, we’re going to talk about marriage counseling (also known as couples therapy) and how long you should expect your sessions to last. 

How Long Does Couples Therapy Take to Work?

Couples therapy lasts between 10 and 25 sessions on average. A typical therapy plan will most likely have you attend more frequently at the beginning of your counseling (around once a week) and lessen over time (to around once a month). Depending on your progress, the number of sessions will be determined by your therapist. After deciding what would be beneficial for you as a couple and what your end goals are, counseling could last up to a  few years to complete successfully. Don’t let this be daunting, however. Healing and growing  your marriage takes commitment, but has proven successful for over 12,000 couples with Well Marriage CenterOne of the biggest predictors of marriage counseling success is the experience of your therapist, and our therapists have devoted their careers to helping couples like you.

To make the most of your time, you should follow these actions to increase the likelihood of success:

  1. Set personal goals to: 
  • Address what you’re bringing to the table
  • How they impact your relationship
  • What steps you can take to acknowledge your shortcomings
  • Ways to change your behaviors. 

Marriage counseling is not  a place to point fingers at your partner. Remember that they will be taking the same steps as you.Reliving blame can perpetuate toxic cycles instead of finding a way forward.

  1. Find vulnerability in the safe space so you can be open and honest about how you’re feeling. Holding back feelings of anger, annoyance, resentment, helplessness, and embarrassment helps no one—especially yourself. Telling your partner how you feel might open new doors for stronger communication.
  2. Give the benefit of the doubt and don’t assume your partner is being insincere or dishonest. Part of accepting and acknowledging this is recognizing your intentions and insecurities. 
  3. Understand that partnership isn’t making each other whole. Be a “whole” person independent of your significant other. Relying on your partner to meet all of your needs for happiness puts a lot of pressure on them, which can lead to anger and resentment, rather than love and support.
  4. Put in the time and effort your partnership requires. Rather than counting down the sessions, go into each one with an open mind and willingness to participate. You won’t find success without putting in the work.

When it comes to marriage counseling and what to expect, Well Marriage Center likes to address the following first: 

  • interrupt toxic cycles you may be stuck in (arguments, high conflict, blame game, criticisms)
  • generate a little momentum and spark (disconnected, sexless couples, cold relationships)
  • address trauma that your relationship may be experiencing (infidelity, loss, old or new trauma)

Making progress with these goals are significant signs marriage counseling is working. Seeing improvement is great! Depending on your goals as a couple and as individuals, you may work out a longer plan with your therapist.  You should  expect to attend all of the sessions laid out in your initial settings as part of your larger plan to really introduce and implement new techniques in your relationship and make sure they stick.

Is Couples Counseling a Bad Thing?

Absolutely not! Attending counseling does not mean your partnership has failed, it means you want it to succeed. Couples counseling is an important solution to working through issues with your partner. While we would all like to avoid confronting the faults in our relationship, marriage counseling can be a beneficial and positive experience. Not only that, but investing in couples counseling is important to show you’re committed to making the relationship work. A good therapist will make you feel comfortable as a couple with a safe space to voice your feelings and guide you through any rough patches you might encounter. Counseling can be difficult, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t worth it.

It’s also important to note that therapy can still be a resource after the initial reasons for visiting are resolved. After therapy, many couples work yearly visits with their therapist into their long term plans to promote commitment, accountability, and communication. Going to therapy while the relationship is in a good place can be beneficial too, as it lays positive groundwork for the future. As part of our mission to help all couples build a better future together, Well Marriage Center even offers therapeutic premarital and dating services for those who are in committed relationships regardless of their legal status.

Marriage Counseling Built for You

At Well Marriage Center, we know marriage counseling actually works and we have the numbers to prove it! Even in situations when the couple believed it would be too late or the relationship was too damaged, we’ve seen therapy turn it around in thousands of our clients. We make time for you to work through your strengths and weaknesses as a couple so we can learn about you and help us develop a plan specifically for you. 

If you’re ready to take the next steps for your marriage, visit our website. You can get started by filling out our intake form and getting in contact with our intake coordinator, Melinda. 


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How Long Does Marriage Counseling Take?

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How much time would you be willing to spend a week to get a happier, healthier, more enriching relationship with your spouse or partner? Marriage counseling sessions typically take around 50 minutes per session, with the  average length of marriage counseling  totaling 12-25 conversations over the course of a few months. The return on this time can be transformative and Well Marriage Center is here to answer all your questions about the timing and length of marriage counseling. Here’s what you need to know!

But First…Couples Therapy vs Marriage Counseling

Before we dig into how long marriage counseling takes, we want to clarify that we do not see a difference between couples therapy and marriage counseling. We create a safe space for every relationship to be built, healed, or restored, regardless of if there is a legal marriage or a different style of commitment. Whether you call it marriage counseling, couples therapy, or some other combination of terms, the goals of reducing conflict, restoring intimacy and trust, and developing better communication are the same. Whatever type of committed relationship you are in, our team has dedicated their careers to helping couples build a better foundation for the future. 

When To Go To Couples Therapy

When a relationship is already going through challenges, setting aside time each week for couples therapy can feel like a big ask. Often, couples choose to look in the other direction and hope the phase will pass instead of seeking targeted help for long-term problems. When these issues reach a breaking point,  often the best option is couples therapy. In fact, if you’re thinking you might need therapy, it might be time to schedule an initial session. But when should you put it on the calendar? It’s important to choose a time that can regularly work for you, your partner, and your mutual schedules. If you can schedule a recurring appointment for the same time and weekday, then nurturing your relationship starts to become a healthy part of your routine more naturally. 

How Often Should You Go To Couples Therapy?

At Well Marriage Center, we recommend our couples start with weekly therapy sessions. This allows participants to start forming better habits and addressing issues in an environment of supportive accountability. After the first few sessions have laid a foundation for progress and determined your end goals as a couple, you may agree to start meeting bi-monthly, and eventually once a month or even less. This gradual decline in the number of sessions you need to attend is supported by better daily experiences in the relationship as the lessons from therapy take root and help you grow together in the right direction. However, every couple is different. Some may decide to further benefit from prolonged therapy  to truly heal and resolve relationship traumas. You should go to couples therapy for as long as it feels supportive and beneficial towards your relationship goals. 

How Long Does Couples Therapy Take To Work?

Couples generally attend between 12-25 sessions of therapy before they arrive at a place where they are satisfied with their growth. However, that doesn’t mean it takes 12 sessions for therapy to show any results. Week to week, you and your partner will be following techniques and activities in your daily life to reinforce what you have discussed with your therapist. As you grow and get more in tune through doing the work, the benefits will show up along the journey.

You’ll focus on identifying and honoring the strengths that still exist within your relationship, as well as set goals for communication, conflict resolution, and moving forward. Through these techniques, therapy can begin to reset negative or toxic patterns in your relationship from the first session onward. For some couples, these small, foundational changes may take longer to emerge because every relationship is unique. You can always talk to your therapist about your goals and timelines during a session. 

Some couples are concerned about how long marriage counseling takes to work in specific situations, like at the beginning of a marriage or when it is at risk of ending. Here are some more specific answers to common questions. 

Should You Go To Couples Therapy Before Marriage?

Investing in a pre-marriage therapy program is an excellent way to get your married life off to a strong start. Even though marriage is an exciting time of hope and planning for the future, it can also feel uncertain, overwhelming, and even confusing based on past events in the relationship. During our pre-marital program, you will meet with a Well Marriage Center therapist for as many sessions as you agree on. These conversations will be dedicated to your personal histories and dating story, any current concerns about the relationship, and the goals and plans you have set for the future. 

One thing that makes our pre-marital program unique is that we meet twice again after you are married, once around the six-month point and once around your one-year anniversary. This establishes a few neutral touchpoints for you and your new spouse to check in around goals and discuss anything new that has arisen after the knot is tied. 

Does Marriage Counseling Work After Separation? 

Yes, marriage counseling can work for both the couple and an individual after separation. It depends on the goals you have moving forward from the separation. If you want to reconcile and heal the relationship, marriage counseling provides a neutral opportunity to talk about what has gone wrong in the short-term and how it has impacted the long-term relationship. At Well Marriage Center, we practice pro-relationship counseling, seeking to heal and restore your relationship along with you even when you aren’t sure it’s possible. On the other hand, there might be no way to reconcile, but one or both parties need support adjusting to life outside of marriage. A licensed marriage counselor can also help with this, empowering you to figure out what went wrong in the relationship and help you avoid repeating similar issues in the future. Whether you want to fix the separation or heal yourself on the other side, marriage counseling can help. 

Well Marriage Center Helps You Keep Healing

The relationship specialists at Well Marriage Center are committed to helping you restore your relationship with each session you invest. They’ve dedicated their entire careers to helping couples just like you, whether you hope to be done with marriage counseling in just 12 sessions, or you think 25 doesn’t sound like enough. The good news is that you and your partner set the pace and get to have input about how many sessions you think you need. Whether we see you every week or once a month, we want you to leave each meeting feeling like you achieved something together and know what to work on next. That’s how healing happens–one day at a time, slowly but surely. We’re here to stick with you throughout the journey! Set up a conversation with our Intake Coordinator, Melinda, to share a little bit about where your relationship is at and where you want to go.


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Is Marriage Counseling Really Worth It?

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Yes—marriage counseling (or couples therapy) is worth it. It’s an opportunity to come together with your partner, away from the hustle and bustle of life, and solely focus on each other. Many couples find their relationship feels a bit fresher, more intimate and connected, and stronger after marriage counseling. Some even say, “it’s the best it’s ever been!” 

If you’re asking the “Is it worth it?” question, you might also have a few “marriage counseling success rate” or “does marriage counseling work statistics” searches in your web browser history. And we don’t blame you—it can be helpful to hear what others have experienced. However, we have found at Well Marriage Center that every relationship is incredibly different and intricate, and these statistics should not be taken to heart for your own marriage. 

Still, it’s smart to research marriage counseling before embarking on the journey. This will help you and your partner know what to expect and take full advantage of the many benefits. So let’s talk marriage counseling and why exactly it’s worth your time and energy.  

Can a Marriage Be Saved Without Counseling?

Some marriages can certainly be saved without counseling—but involving a skilled marriage therapist can definitely help! Although when more challenging and painful issues are present, couples therapy might be the only answer to saving a marriage. This is because counseling offers many benefits that couples cannot take advantage of on their own, such as:

  • An Unbiased Third Party – A trained therapist will listen to all sides of a discussion and objectively tell each party what they are hearing and observing. This professional, outsider perspective will help you peel back the layers of what your partner is thinking and feeling in new ways you may not have considered before. Stepping outside of your own thoughts and emotions to put yourself in your partner’s shoes is a relationship roadblock for many couples.
  • Accountability – Using a marriage counselor will help keep you and your partner accountable to working toward a healthier, happier marriage through regular sessions and follow-ups. There never seems to be a “right” time to talk about relationship problems—the combination of honesty and vulnerability makes many of us shy away from these difficult discussions.  
  • Expert Relationship Insight – A counselor is a licensed and trained professional to help in a variety of individual situations. Well Marriage Center therapists, for example, have taken many extra steps to specialize in couples therapy and relationship science. When you choose to work with a licensed Well Marriage Center specialist, you get access to a vast wealth of knowledge and expertise specially tailored for relationships.

Can Marriage Counseling Make Things Worse?

The answer here, unfortunately, is yes. When a couple sits with a licensed therapist who is well-meaning but not deeply trained in relationship science—that therapist can sometimes make things worse. They’re more likely to stay at the surface level or run out of ideas, leaving the couple feeling frustrated and hopeless. 

However, this doesn’t happen at Well Marriage Center. We specialize in relationship science—and that’s all we do! Our unique training allows us to dig deep and actively improve your relationship over the course of your sessions. 

Another issue some couples encounter in couples therapy is “neutral” counseling. This means the counselor is neutral as to whether or not the counseling leads to separation or staying together. Depending on the circumstances, marriage-neutral counselors may even encourage a couple to separate if they feel the relationship isn’t worth saving. Neutral marriage counseling gives couples therapy a bad reputation and may lead to feelings of discouragement and the belief that marriage counseling will only ruin your relationship. 

This is why we practice “pro-relationship” counseling at Well Marriage Center. A pro-relationship counselor will always advocate for saving, healing, and restoring your relationship. Our team is committed to avoiding divorce or separation whenever possible. And in our 30+ years of experience, we’ve seen this method work time and time again—even for couples who felt there was no hope for their marriage. 

What Type of Therapist Is Best for Marriage Counseling?

To avoid counseling that could make your relationship worse, it is vital to choose the right therapist. Here are some tips to keep in mind when researching marriage counselors:

  • Go for experience. Someone who’s been working as a counselor for 10+ years is going to have plenty of clinical experience to back their advice and problem solving. They will have had time to nail down the best techniques for all of the common marriage problems like affairs, communication breakdowns, parenting styles, and beyond. Plus, they are required to meet continuing education requirements each year, meaning they are always learning new things to keep a fresh perspective. 
  • Check your therapist’s credentials. Look for an “About Me” page on their website or contact their office to inquire about their background. They should clearly list their credential abbreviations after their name, like LCPC (Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor) or LCSW (Licensed Clinical Social Worker). If you want to ensure their licensure is in good standing, most states will have a licensure search website so you can verify that someone’s license status is “active.” For example, here’s Maryland’s State Board Of Professional Counselors & Therapists licensure verification page, where you can search for LCPCs by last name. 
  • If something seems off, don’t hesitate to switch counselors. You aren’t committed to sticking with the first therapist you try—or any therapist for that matter. For example, if you are nonreligious but your therapist suggests religious-based coping mechanisms—that’s a huge red flag. Counselors should always respect your beliefs even if they do not share them. Some other warning signs to look out for include the therapist breaking confidentiality, judging you, failing to listen, encouraging placing blame on others, etc. 
  • Consider using a “strengths-based” marriage counselor. This is a more positive approach to couples therapy that focuses on determining each party’s relational strengths and using that knowledge to work through destructive and toxic behaviors. One study on therapist use of client strengths found that “Therapists described strength work as having many advantages. It was perceived as building trust in the therapeutic relationship, motivating clients and instilling hope, and demonstrating the therapist’s hope for and belief in the client.” Our therapists at the Well Marriage Center would agree, as we have found this approach reduces the time you are in therapy and helps you navigate difficulties more gently and successfully.

Have More Couples Therapy Questions? Well Marriage Center Has the Answers!

If you and your partner are ready and willing to try new things to break old patterns, then marriage counseling has the potential to transform your relationship. We encourage those looking into marriage counseling to privately explore our website to learn more about the process and what to expect. This is an emotional and extremely personal journey, so do all that you can to get comfortable with the idea before jumping in. 

Once you’re ready (or even if you still have some questions), get in touch with us! With Well Marriage Center, you’ll get:

  • A team devoted to relationship sciences and support
  • Pro-relationship therapists
  • Inclusivity of any kind of relationship 
  • Virtual or in-person session options
  • Fully employed and licensed therapists (instead of contractors)
  • A thorough matching process to put the right therapist with each client

If you’re ready to begin, start by filling out our short intake form and setting up a consultation with our Intake Coordinator, Melinda. She will walk you through the process and ensure you are connected with the best counselor for your needs. 

Relationships are hard work! We would love to guide you through the challenges and help you find your way back to one another.


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Culturally Diverse Marriage

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Complications in Culturally Diverse Relationships

Jorge and Kim* came to see me a short while ago here in our Herndon office for marriage counseling. Jorge was from Colombia and Kim was also from Columbia: the one in South Carolina.

Although they joked about being “from the same place”, it became clear that their backgrounds needed to come to the foreground.

Kim, an Anglo-American, was embarrassed about her family’s open racism.

She tried to balance it by pretending not to notice ways that Jorge was different.

Jorge, whose cultural upbringing demanded family loyalty above all, tried to ingratiate himself to her family, but secretly worried that Kim was herself racist.

He began to see her strong personality as an indication that she felt superior to him. Kim began to fear Jorge’s silence as sullen withdrawal from the marriage. So they fought about superiority and withdrawal. Neither knew how to get beyond their anger.

One of the great benefits of doing marriage counseling here in Northern VA  is all the wonderful and diverse couples I have the opportunity to work with.

I have over 30 years of experience as a marriage counselor and yet I still find I am incredibly grateful for ongoing courses and trainings on Cultural Sensitivity.

I’ve learned to be curious about what people believe about themselves and their world, as well as how they present who they are as unique representatives of their backgrounds. It is my goal to look beyond my preconceived notions so I can encounter you and your partner in whatever crisis you are trying to manage within your marriage.

In working with couples I have also come to the realization that mistrust, prejudice and war don’t just happen between cultures.

Two people who love and support each other can also end up warring with one another because of differences. Research shows what we already know is true: We humans tend to trust those who are most like us, and distrust all others. Because no two people are truly, exactly alike, we have to develop ways to balance what we trust about others with what we distrust and what we do not yet know.

In working with couples I try to help you maximize what you know about each other and to do it in a way that you are curious and welcoming of the differences you find. Because research also shows that humans have a competing tendency to be fair, and even kind, to others.

Your diverse marriage can promote a tendency to be fair to each other, to be kind to each other, and to find and cultivate an extraordinary love for each other, which is what Jorge and Kim were able to do.

Jorge and Kim first had to learn how to disclose their fears without making accusations. This is where an experienced marriage counselor can be a very helpful guide.

They then were able to admit their hidden worries about the other.  This is the deeper…and important work. Kim took the risk of looking at some lingering preconceptions about Colombians and was fascinated to find out that Jorge’s family had prejudices as well, based on Colombia’s old “Casta” system of dividing people based on racial mixture. 

Her eagerness to learn and appreciate this aspect of his background helped Jorge see that Kim did not look down on his culture. Jorge’s willingness to share his own embarrassment over his family’s prejudices helped Kim see that he did not want to withdraw from her and actually gave them a commonality in family background that neither had seen previously. As this process unfolded they began to truly trust each other for the first time.

Written by Thomas Overton, LPC:

*Jorge and Kim are made up names to protect identities


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Surviving an Affair

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Can my marriage really survive an affair?

This is the most common question we get at Well Marriage Center.

The answer is Yes.

More and more, we see couples making the choice to try and save their marriages instead of hitting the auto-pilot for divorce. All of our counselors are very skilled at helping couples navigate the emotional roller coaster ride that an affair throws them onto.

We asked one of our marriage counselors to write her thoughts about how she helps couples work through an affair.

“Getting off the Roller Coaster”

In our first session with couples we ask them to describe their strengths, admirations of the relationship, and memories that stand out as good.

I love this part of our assessment as it gives me an idea of how the couple perceives their relationship. Brian and Joan came to me after Joan discovered Brian was in the midst of a year-long affair. The impact was devastating…for both Joan and Brian.

Joan had an intense reaction during the assessment portion of their strengths.  She was confused, sad, and angry. A common impact of discovering an affair is that memories of the relationship become contaminated by this new information.

Joan had begun to question their history in a way that hindered her from seeing any strengths or good in their relationship. She said “How can we have any strengths if an affair was going on? I don’t admire anything about this marriage!”

Joan is not alone.  The aftermath of an affair is very painful and confusing.

Most couples will describe this experience as an “emotional rollercoaster,” where the victim has intense emotional ups and downs, a preoccupation with the violation, blaming, self-doubt, fear, and loss of rationality.

Problems that existed in the relationship prior to the discovery may become more intensified. You may start to look at your life from a very different set of eyes, eyes that are more suspicious and less likely to trust without evidence.

No one likes to feel out of control or as if they can’t trust their own mind and instincts. I empathize with the level of discomfort that comes with mistrust and encourage couples to process that emotion rather than creating methods that foster false trust (checking emails, texts, phone records, etc.).

A false trust method is anything that finishes the message “I trust you if…”

At that point trust is only intact if there is a way to measure it. Joan felt these attempts gave her more safety in the marriage but instead it created an element of control in the marriage that Brian eventually resented.

Most couples may entertain the idea of separation at this stage in order to cope with the roller coaster. However, it is important to avoid turning a disruption into a tragedy by making permanent decisions about your marriage during the roller coaster stage.

When emotions are this high it is difficult to make a decision you’ll find peace with for the rest of your life.

When I see a couple experiencing this type of disruption I take great care in validating the victim and educating the offender about the roller coaster phase. Rather than diving into the easier but more destructive ways of establishing trust, I teach couples how to adopt appropriate levels of transparency.

What a couple really wants at this stage is to feel understood. The victim in particular is looking for accountability and validation. Convincing the victim they are loved can often make things worse because words have lost their power.

In Joan and Brian’s case, when Joan was feeling triggered or having a rough day with the preoccupation of her thoughts, Brian attempted to sooth her by trying to convince her not worry because he loved her so much. Joan became angry and felt that he did not understand her pain.

Through supportive marriage counseling, Joan learned to verbalize what she was feeling and why she was feeling it. She learned to communicate to Brian what she needed.

It is the victim’s goal to help the offender understand their pain.

Joan and Brian were instructed to make this a regular practice in order for Joan to heal. Several times a week they carved out time for Joan to verbalize what she felt, while Brian listened, validated, took responsibility, and apologized.

Joan’s emotional reactivity was less intense when she felt Brian was authentic in his understanding of her pain. She believed that if he really understood her pain, he would be less likely to violate trust again. And she’s right.

Joan and Brian worked extremely hard over the course of about 9 months and learned to listen, support, and communicate with each other in a rich and authentic way. They have both been able to step off the emotional roller coaster and have both, separately, decided that they want to stay together and strengthen their marriage.

If you and your spouse are recovering from an affair there is reason for hope. Rebuilding trust is a process but it’s possible with tenderness of the heart and forgiveness.  Yes, your marriage can survive an affair.

(Read more about our approach with Affairs here)


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A Thank You Letter

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Time and again we are inspired by the couples we work with. The email Dr. Steve Brown received recently represents the best of what our mission and hope is for both our Northern Virginia communities and beyond.

Good marriage counseling is more than just helping couples deal with an immediate problem: it’s also about helping couples create relationships that take them into the future, like the one highlighted in this email.

Marriage counseling success stories like this are why we keep helping couples. We hope and trust that it will encourage and inspire you too…

“Dear Dr. Steve,

It’s been 2 weeks since you told us we didn’t need you anymore as our marriage counselor.  I wanted to fill you in on what has happened and to thank you once again for all of your help.

Two days after our last session, Jim and I went in for our 10-week ultrasound. We quickly found out that the baby no longer had a heartbeat and had stopped developing at about 8 and a half weeks. A year ago, news like this would have destroyed us. We were pretty excited to start parenting this new baby. I’m pretty sure there would have been a lot of fighting and blaming.

The first thing Jim did after hearing the news was to reach out for me. There was no anger, only shared grief. We went home and talked about how we felt and what we needed from each other.

I had to have surgery to remove the pregnancy and to collect tissue to send to a lab for analysis. Jim has done nothing but love and care for me through the whole process.

Jim has been amazing. Not once did he close himself off from me. He was open and honest and emotional in a positive way.

I need to thank you. Six months ago, I had a husband that didn’t want to be near me. With your help, you taught us how to communicate and support each other through even the most devastating situations. I’m eternally grateful to you.

We’ve had some time to grieve and are now looking forward to the next step in trying to conceive. Until we do have a baby, we are happy to have each other and Rebecca.

Thank you!

Monica”


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Coming in Second

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Written by Mary Baker, LPC

One of my recent couples, I will call them Jim and Diana, came to me with a very familiar struggle. Diana had a difficult time accepting that Jim would work late. When he did come home, he quickly turned on the computer or the TV.

Even though she would often suggest they have a date night or watch a show together, Jim would find reasons to isolate himself. Diana’s resentment would build until she became irritable. She noted how much she did for Jim (and the kids) and how underappreciated she felt.  Jim was frustrated.  In his mind he was doing all he could to provide for the family and simply wanted to relax when he was home.

No one likes to “come in second” to a spouse’s career, the kids, or extracurricular activities. In our busy and competitive modern environment, marriage counselors see this struggle play out time and again with overworked and overstressed couples.

One person feels overlooked and begins to feels neglected.  The other becomes frustrated and resentful and begins to withdraw. What can couples do when this dynamic takes root and threatens to harm their marriage?

When I work with a dynamic like this in couples therapy, I’m often paying attention to your priorities and how you balance two key elements: the needs of your marriage and your own needs.  (If children are present, then your children’s welfare becomes the 3rd key element that needs balancing). Let’s look at how this played out with Jim and Diana:

As Jim and Diana opened up about what they were experiencing I began to take note of how much energy and focus Diana was investing in taking care of her husband. For Diana it was a gradual process and I’m not sure she even realized it was happening.

We take less and less care of ourselves as we take more and more care of someone else.  This left her feeling vulnerable and less confident.

She looked to Jim to validate her. The less vocal and assertive he became, the more anxious Diana was about how he felt about the marriage and about her. Diana didn’t have regular contact with healthy friends, outlets for herself where she could learn, play and/or connect.

This lack of healthy feedback, encouragement and connection left Diana feeling depleted and disempowered, especially as Jim began to pull away. I used the analogy of how important good nutrition is for healthy bodies. Healthy environments and friendships outside the marriage help nurture and feed us.

Jim began to work through his attempts to self-protect by emotionally turning away from Diana’s bids for affection. He realized he felt overwhelmed by the pressure to meet all of her needs and eventually shut down and became resentful himself.

He wasn’t taking care of himself, either. When we withdraw and isolate, either through tv or the internet or some other vice, we’re not taking care of our marriage or ourselves.

Marriage counseling helped Diana see how out of balance she had become. Jim started to share more of his feelings, frustrations and needs. Ironically, Diana began to feel more connected to him as he shared these frustrations. They started to find each other again. They began to implement practical solutions that balanced the needs of both their marriage and themselves.

So if you are beginning to feel like you are coming in second or you are beginning to feel some resentment building inside you, it might be wise to look at how balanced the needs of your marriage and your own needs currently are.

Since we can take responsibility for our self-care more easily, that is often a good place to start.

By owning our needs and taking the initiative to make sure they are met, we feel more confident and grounded. We are no longer focused outside of ourselves and thus feel less vulnerable, because whenever we wait, wish, nag or cajole, we are handing others our power. Rather, we are more focused within, owning our needs, setting boundaries and then letting our partner freely choose to honor our needs, as well as their own. This is the healthiest way to cultivate freedom in the marriage which in turn allows love to grow and prosper.


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