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What Are Triggers After Infidelity?

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When the horribly unexpected occurs in a relationship, such as an affair, both people often feel isolated, ashamed, humiliated, angry, and hurt. These emotions may last months or even years down the road as triggers rekindle them, especially when not worked through in a healthy way. It is completely normal to experience these triggers! However, it is also possible to work through them as you take steps towards affair recovery.

Triggers After Being Cheated On

Triggers after cheating in a relationship are unfortunately common. They remind you of how your relationship used to be, what happened, and the whirlwind of negative emotions you felt surrounding the affair itself. Infidelity may even cause you to  relive the affair, over and over, if bad enough. If not handled properly, some of these triggers can color your reactions in future relationships, as well. Some common triggers that affect people who have experienced an affair include:

  • Places: Your home can trigger thoughts and memories of the affair the most. It’s where you and your partner made a life together and was supposed to be your safe space. Photos around the house may cause you to question whether the relationship you and your partner had before even mattered or was real.

Other places that might trigger you include places where you and your significant other went on dates, where the affair happened, or where you were when you found out about the affair.

  • People: Anyone who knew about the affair before you can act as a trigger. These may be the other person/people involved with the cheating, family, friends, or coworkers.
  • Dates: On specific days, you might think about the affair more than other days. Such dates might be anniversaries, your partner’s birthday, or the date you found out about the affair.
  • Music/Movies: If your relationship had any music or movies associated with it, such as a wedding song or a movie you and your partner saw together, hearing or seeing them can send you on a rollercoaster of emotions. The same is true for anything that might have been playing when you found out about the affair.
  • Distance: Any physical or emotional distance between you and your significant other after you find out about the affair may make you question whether your partner is still in the affair or whether they may start another one.
  • Suspicious Behavior: If your partner hides their phone, doesn’t use a name when talking about someone, or takes their phone calls in a different room, you might start wondering whether your partner is still unfaithful. 

How Long Do Infidelity Triggers Last?

How long infidelity triggers last will vary from person to person. For some, it may only take months. For others, it may take 2 or even 10 years after the infidelity to recover. How long the affair occurred, how long you and your partner have been together, and who else was involved in the affair can all affect how long you experience those triggers.

Another factor is how the trauma of infidelity is handled after discovery. Having neutral ground for each partner to express their perspective and emotions, getting to a place of understanding, managing negative reactions in a way that promotes healthy recovery–these practices and more can help you move forward. Working with a specialized relationship counselor can help you navigate these painful waters in the most effective way, tailored to your unique experience.

Infidelity really hurts, and it probably will for a while. However, when you properly work through your emotions, you can overcome those triggers.

How to Get Past Infidelity Triggers

The first step you should take when attempting to move past your infidelity triggers is to let yourself experience those emotions coursing through you. Bottling them up will render it much more difficult to unpack them down the road and can even cause you to develop unhealthy coping mechanisms when dealing with infidelity years later. If you have a hard time processing your emotions and understanding exactly why you feel them, writing them down or talking to a trusted family member, friend, or counselor can help.

Once you let yourself feel those emotions, do something that might cheer you up. Meditation practices, positive self-talk, and physical activity can release endorphins, which are hormones that help your brain reduce stress and anxiety.

Working through long-term infidelity effects with your partner, while especially difficult in the beginning, can help you overcome your triggers and be a rewarding experience. Your relationship or marriage is never the same after infidelity, but that’s not always a bad thing. When you and your partner are both willing to rebuild your relationship, you may discover that you’re starting on stabler ground than you did before. From there, you can build something bigger and more beautiful than you had and leave those triggers in the past. Hiring a couples therapist or marriage counselor can help with that process in the most efficient way.

Rebuild Your Relationship With Well Marriage Center

Recovering from infidelity trauma is difficult. Even when you and your partner both want to start fresh, you may find days that even being in the same room as your partner prompts waves of emotions. The marriage counselors and couples therapists at Well Marriage Center understand that affair recovery takes time but that working through it with your partner is well worth the effort.

Our services are pro-relationship, meaning we don’t recommend separation unless that’s the only way both people can move forward. We also work with individuals who have decided to separate and want help navigating the healing process. Whether you are concerned about repairing your relationship or working through your emotions and triggers with your partner by your side, or are wanting to heal as an individual, we are here to help. Schedule an appointment to take your first step toward recovery.

 

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How Do You Mentally Recover From an Affair?

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Can you ever fully recover from an affair? Does the pain of infidelity ever go away? These questions and more are likely racing through your mind as you and your partner attempt to move past infidelity and start anew. These questions also come up for those wanting to heal as a single individual, and healing in both cases is absolutely possible. 

After experiencing such an intense betrayal, it’s natural to feel a wide range of emotions. Feelings of anger, fear, humiliation, sadness, and despair can often seem permanent. But no feeling is final, and it is possible to fully recover from the trauma of infidelity and go on to have a happy relationship in the future. If you’re wanting to save your marriage or relationship after an affair, it’s possible So as long as you and your partner put your minds and hearts to the task., your bond can be healed and made stronger than ever before. Alternatively, your relationship with yourself can also come out on the other side healthier and more vibrant. 

However, you both will likely need some help along the way. Whether you decide to stay and create a healthier, stronger relationship together or decide to part ways, there is hope for dealing with the fallout, including damaged self-esteem, trauma, PTSD, obsessive overthinking, shame, and more.

That’s where we come in!. To start you and your partner off on the right path, Well Marriage Center put together this quick guide to offer a bird’s eye view of the affair recovery process and explain what to expect as you begin to rebuild your relationship. 

What Are the Stages of Healing After an Affair?

The road to recovery after infidelity is paved with many challenges, and no two situations are the same. However, there are three common stages that all couples must navigate: 

  • Discovery: In affair recovery, the first step is to allow the person who was cheated on to express their perspective and emotions. Confusion, embarrassment, anger, hurt—people obviously feel many emotions when they discover their partner has cheated on them, but a trained counselor will help them navigate and express those feelings in a healthy manner. Additionally, a counselor will help the person who cheated process their partner’s feelings without resentment and learn how to move on from the mistakes they made. 
  • Processing: After the first phase is complete, it’s time for the couple to evaluate what led up to the affair. Ideally, this is where both people take responsibility for the underlying issues in their relationship. Of course, nothing excuses such a significant breach of trust as infidelity, but in order to move past infidelity, both partners must communicate honestly about what happened to their relationship. This will help the couple evaluate the reasons that led to one person stepping out and improve their communication moving forward. This is a very delicate process and takes a lot of time and effort to work through.
  • Reconciliation: Here is where you begin to build trust again. After the main pain points and issues surrounding your relationship have been identified, you and your partner can work together to reconcile and move forward with your relationship. This takes time and patience. If you and your partner are truly willing to give things another chance, it’s entirely possible that you will achieve and maintain a deeply intimate and strong relationship, even after such a traumatic event

How Long Does Infidelity Trauma Last?

Infidelity recovery is not a linear process, and the effects of betrayal on the brain can produce life-altering changes. Oftentimes, couples take two steps forward and one step back. Although it is completely natural to feel impatient, you must give yourselves time to heal. 

Understanding how you both got into this situation and taking steps to reconcile intense emotions takes time and determination. However, neither of you should dwell on resentment and allow yourselves to become stuck. 

Working with a counselor can help you both stay on track and make consistent progress while ensuring the healing process of both parties is respected. At Well Marriage Center, our counselors will work with you on your own terms and on your own time. We believe that you and your partner should resist the urge to put a strict timeline on things. Ultimately, how you heal is far more important than how quick the process is. 

Your Healing Journey Starts Here

 

Working with a skilled therapist who specializes in relationships – and all they entail, including trust, trauma, communication, intimacy, and forgiveness – has multiple benefits for couples and individuals after an affair. The trying times can be processed with a guide in a compassionate way that promotes healing. Having an objective expert voice to gently help unravel the pain and disappointments can make a huge difference in how you process and move forward, even if ultimately you decide to separate post discovery. Many couples, however, do find success after infidelity; we’ve seen it happen.

Willingness to seek help and admit wrongdoing are some of the main signs your marriage will survive infidelity. At Well Marriage Center, our team of professionally licensed counselors have years of training and experience in helping all types of couples navigate infidelity. Our expert team is committed to being “relationship friendly.” This means our goal is to help you and your partner build trust in one another and rekindle the loving relationship you once had without advocating for separation or divorce. If you and your partner are willing to put in the work, Well Marriage can help you pick up the pieces and trust each other again. Schedule your appointment today or read more on our blog.

 

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Forgiveness in Relationships

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It’s been said that in forgiving others we give ourselves permission to move forward with our own lives, and there’s some truth to that. Hitting the same road block, going back emotionally to the same thing over and over, puts a huge strain on us physically and stunts our relationships with ourselves and others. It damages our hearts and our bodies to carry such stress around each day. Forgiving your partner, when you choose to, has many benefits.

On Forgiveness

Whether the harm was intentional or not, it takes both people in the relationship or marriage working together to move to a place of forgiveness. If you were the one who “messed up,” for example, you will need to hear your partner’s deepest feelings, work with them on what they need to forgive, and accept boundaries that make them feel safe enough to trust again. You will also need to explain your position and the “why” of it all. If you are the partner who wants to forgive, you will have to be very vulnerable and put into words the reasons why you are stuck at this point and can’t move forward. You’ll have to really hear and understand your partner’s position. You’ll both need to be prepared to work with your therapist and try the skills and tools they present.

We mention therapists here because the art of forgiveness between couples is further complicated by other baggage we carry—childhood traumas and the subsequent protective walls we put up, our inability to communicate, our fear and confusion, our mistrust of the situation and our partners. Typically, if someone is really struggling to forgive, even though they want to forgive, there are deeper elements at play in the relationship and a specialist can help you both navigate the situation in a healthy and productive manner.

The Silver Lining

Whatever caused your unique need for forgiveness  (we all know it’s not always infidelity that creates rifts between couples)  it is possible to forgive and move forward again.

A truly inspiring element of the human condition is that as we work through these issues in healthy ways, we come out on the other side closer, more loving, and with a real understanding and compassion that we often lacked before. This can be so beneficial for a couple.

To get started, reach out to our intake coordinator Melinda. She’ll make sure you get placed with a skilled therapist that deeply cares about saving your situation.

 

Surviving an Affair

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Can my marriage really survive an affair?

This is the most common question we get at Well Marriage Center.

The answer is Yes.

More and more, we see couples making the choice to try and save their marriages instead of hitting the auto-pilot for divorce. All of our counselors are very skilled at helping couples navigate the emotional roller coaster ride that an affair throws them onto.

We asked one of our marriage counselors to write her thoughts about how she helps couples work through an affair.

“Getting off the Roller Coaster”

In our first session with couples we ask them to describe their strengths, admirations of the relationship, and memories that stand out as good.

I love this part of our assessment as it gives me an idea of how the couple perceives their relationship. Brian and Joan came to me after Joan discovered Brian was in the midst of a year-long affair. The impact was devastating…for both Joan and Brian.

Joan had an intense reaction during the assessment portion of their strengths.  She was confused, sad, and angry. A common impact of discovering an affair is that memories of the relationship become contaminated by this new information.

Joan had begun to question their history in a way that hindered her from seeing any strengths or good in their relationship. She said “How can we have any strengths if an affair was going on? I don’t admire anything about this marriage!”

Joan is not alone.  The aftermath of an affair is very painful and confusing.

Most couples will describe this experience as an “emotional rollercoaster,” where the victim has intense emotional ups and downs, a preoccupation with the violation, blaming, self-doubt, fear, and loss of rationality.

Problems that existed in the relationship prior to the discovery may become more intensified. You may start to look at your life from a very different set of eyes, eyes that are more suspicious and less likely to trust without evidence.

No one likes to feel out of control or as if they can’t trust their own mind and instincts. I empathize with the level of discomfort that comes with mistrust and encourage couples to process that emotion rather than creating methods that foster false trust (checking emails, texts, phone records, etc.).

A false trust method is anything that finishes the message “I trust you if…”

At that point trust is only intact if there is a way to measure it. Joan felt these attempts gave her more safety in the marriage but instead it created an element of control in the marriage that Brian eventually resented.

Most couples may entertain the idea of separation at this stage in order to cope with the roller coaster. However, it is important to avoid turning a disruption into a tragedy by making permanent decisions about your marriage during the roller coaster stage.

When emotions are this high it is difficult to make a decision you’ll find peace with for the rest of your life.

When I see a couple experiencing this type of disruption I take great care in validating the victim and educating the offender about the roller coaster phase. Rather than diving into the easier but more destructive ways of establishing trust, I teach couples how to adopt appropriate levels of transparency.

What a couple really wants at this stage is to feel understood. The victim in particular is looking for accountability and validation. Convincing the victim they are loved can often make things worse because words have lost their power.

In Joan and Brian’s case, when Joan was feeling triggered or having a rough day with the preoccupation of her thoughts, Brian attempted to sooth her by trying to convince her not worry because he loved her so much. Joan became angry and felt that he did not understand her pain.

Through supportive marriage counseling, Joan learned to verbalize what she was feeling and why she was feeling it. She learned to communicate to Brian what she needed.

It is the victim’s goal to help the offender understand their pain.

Joan and Brian were instructed to make this a regular practice in order for Joan to heal. Several times a week they carved out time for Joan to verbalize what she felt, while Brian listened, validated, took responsibility, and apologized.

Joan’s emotional reactivity was less intense when she felt Brian was authentic in his understanding of her pain. She believed that if he really understood her pain, he would be less likely to violate trust again. And she’s right.

Joan and Brian worked extremely hard over the course of about 9 months and learned to listen, support, and communicate with each other in a rich and authentic way. They have both been able to step off the emotional roller coaster and have both, separately, decided that they want to stay together and strengthen their marriage.

If you and your spouse are recovering from an affair there is reason for hope. Rebuilding trust is a process but it’s possible with tenderness of the heart and forgiveness.  Yes, your marriage can survive an affair.

(Read more about our approach with Affairs here)


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