Posts

Can a Marriage Survive Lack of Communication?

in , , ,

Are you struggling to have conversations with your partner? Even with the small things, it can feel pretty overwhelming and lonely when there is no communication in a relationship. The fact is, relationship communication helps build a foundation for you and your partner to succeed together. 

While there are several solutions to the lack of communication in marriage or relationship, it’s important to understand what causes these issues in the first place and how to move past them. Let’s look at how you can identify communication problems in your marriage and how to address them.

What Causes Lack of Communication in Marriage?

There are several reasons why communication can suffer in a relationship. Whether it’s using different types of communication in marriage, having different goals, or even stress, identifying the root of your communication issues is important. What are some of the common causes in detail?

  • Different communication styles can lead to misunderstandings when trying to talk about any concerns regarding your relationship. People communicate in four different ways: passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive, and assertive. If you are aggressive and loud, while your partner is passive and quiet, it can be difficult to connect on a deeper level. In fact, this can even increase conflict between you and your partner. You should take the time to understand both your and your partner’s communication styles, so you can adjust your approach accordingly. It’s also important to note that these styles develop in childhood, and can be difficult to change without a therapist.
  • Lack of emotional intimacy can lead to an emotional disconnection—which can compel a partner to stonewall or avoid conversations in general. Whether there is a fear of vulnerability or simply a difficulty finding quality time with your partner, when there is emotional detachment, it can be hard to have intimacy. You and your partner can address this by providing daily affirmations and compliments, engaging in physical intimacy, and spending intentional one-on-one time together.
  • Different expectations or goals in your relationship might make it hard to connect with your partner. If the problem is financial, family-driven, or caused by other factors, having different expectations can hurt your relationship. If you and your partner practice compassion and consider each other’s feelings and perspectives, you’ll find you can compromise. Ultimately, it’s clear that if you show respect, you’ll likely get respect in return. 
  • Stress can make it tedious for anyone to communicate effectively. Sometimes outside influences, like work or an illness in the family, can be the problem. But it’s also important to recognize that arguments and neglect, even lack of sleep, can increase stress in a relationship. Make sure you and your partner are there for each other—ask how you can help and listen to their needs. Work together on reducing stressors in both your lives, and within the relationship as well.
  • Lack of trust or security affects how you and your partner communicate. Without trust, it can be difficult to be open and honest with one another. If you both can acknowledge concerns that lead to lowered trust, as well as make each other feel secure, you’ll find that your trust can be rebuilt. Once this line of communication is reopened, it will be easier to vocalize your feelings and concerns.
  • Physical or mental health issues are an unfortunate part of living and they can take a toll on partners. On one hand, a partner struggling with these ailments can have a difficult time connecting with the other. On the other hand, a partner helping take care of the person struggling can find it to be incredibly overwhelming. Setting boundaries and creating a wellness plan are a few ways to help alleviate some of the stressors regarding health issues.

 

While there can be several reasons for the lack of communication in a relationship, in the end, it is important that you’re able to voice your concerns with your partner. Whether that’s with the help of a licensed therapist or through exercises at home, you’ll discover a deeper understanding of your partner and issues that lead to poor communication. At Well Marriage Center, you’ll find help restoring your relationship while addressing any concerns you may have as a couple. Even deep-seated problems can be turned around by focusing on your strengths as a couple. 

How Many Marriages Fail Because of Lack of Communication?

The American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers (AAML) found that 67.5% of unsuccessful marriages were the result of poor communication or a lack of communication skills. It can be argued that this is because lasting connections are built and maintained using effective communication. Unfortunately, misunderstandings and dissatisfaction can develop when there’s a breakdown in communication between partners. Those issues can also lead to feelings of detachment and discontent.

However, it’s crucial to keep in mind that unresolved issues, like lack of trust or disagreements, are frequently connected to communication problems in relationships. That’s to say, poor communication isn’t the source of the problem, but rather a byproduct of something deeper. Fortunately, it’s more than possible for couples to address any underlying challenges and concentrate on strengthening their communication. That’s where Well Marriage Center comes in. We can help you address any unresolved issues that you’re facing as a couple by focusing on what you’re doing right to boost your confidence and rekindle the flame. 

How Can We Solve Poor Communication in Marriage?

If you’re looking for ways to improve communication in marriage, speaking with a licensed marriage counselor is a step in the right direction. At Well Marriage Center, we specialize in strength-based therapy, which focuses on identifying and building upon your strengths as a couple. We believe that by highlighting the positive aspects of your relationship, we can help you overcome communication barriers and create a stronger, more fulfilling marriage. 

Don’t let poor communication stop you and your partner from trying to connect. If you feel like your relationship has hit a roadblock and communication has become burdensome, set up an appointment today with our intake coordinator, Melinda.

 

Get Started

 

 

How Can I Improve Communication with My Husband or Wife?

in , , , ,

Improving relationship communication isn’t easy, but it is doable with the right steps. If you’ve been researching answers for any of the following challenges, then you’re already on the right path.

  • How do I fix poor communication in my marriage?
  • I don’t know how to communicate with my husband
  • I don’t know how to communicate with my wife

That’s because the first step in any solution to lack of communication in marriage is acknowledging the problem and wanting to solve it. In this blog, we explore ways to communicate better with your partner, whether they’re withdrawn, aggressive, or somewhere in between.

What Causes Poor Communication in a Marriage?

A wide variety of factors can contribute to poor communication in a marriage, including:

  • Lack of dedicated time to communicate one-on-one
  • Unhealed trauma from childhood or past relationships
  • Mental health challenges, like anxiety and depression
  • Lack of healthy and productive communication skills

These contributing factors aren’t always obvious. Sometimes, you may just get the sense that communication with your partner is off. In situations like this, it can help to start with the signs of poor communication and work backwards to find the root cause.

Examples of Poor Communication

Here are some signals that you and your partner need to improve your communication skills:

  • Lack of compromise
  • Consistent interrupting
  • Aggressive communication styles
  • Placing blame
  • Fear of sharing true feelings
  • Assuming the worst intentions from your partner
  • The silent treatment
  • Deflecting difficult conversations with humor

If you notice any of the above signs in your marriage, then there are steps you can take to improve communication with your partner. Fortunately, just because you notice communication challenges doesn’t necessarily mean that your marriage is in danger. Instead, you can take the opportunity to improve communication and your relationship.

Benefits of Healthy Communication

The benefits of healthy communication in a relationship include:

  • Better conflict resolution
  • Increased trust
  • Improved intimacy
  • Lower stress levels
  • Stronger sense of belonging to a team

Not sure where to start? Working with a marriage counselor can provide you and your partner a safe, neutral space to share your perspective. If expressing your feelings isn’t one of your (or your partner’s) strengths, that’s okay, too. At Well Marriage Center, our counselors guide couples through exercises that help you develop healthy communication skills. 

How Do I Deal with My Husband Who Doesn’t Want To Communicate (Or My Wife)?

If your partner doesn’t want to communicate, the first step is to understand why they are avoiding difficult conversations. Here are some common reasons why people shut down during confrontation:

  • They don’t know how to express themselves
  • They’re overwhelmed
  • They don’t want to escalate things or make them worse
  • The misinterpret needs or complaints as blame, and feel like a failure
  • Specific topics of confrontation may be triggers from their past

For many couples, it can be easy to blame gender for certain behaviors that make communication difficult. For example, boys are often raised to ignore vulnerable emotions, according to Psychology Today. These expectations lead to men who repress their feelings and rely on anger and frustration for emotional outlets. On the other hand, women may struggle with expressing their feelings because they can fear being labeled as “emotional” or “hysterical,” states a Forbes article that explores how women’s emotions are perceived in professional settings.

However, while societal expectations on gender and emotional expression can help identify why your partner has difficulty communicating, those expectations don’t tell the full story. Jumping to conclusions like “He doesn’t want to open up because he’s a man,” or “She’s only upset about this because she’s a woman” ignore the unique challenges that your spouse may be experiencing.

Working with a marriage counselor can help you and your partner explore the nuances of your communication barriers. Whether those challenges are from societal pressures, overwhelming responsibilities, underdeveloped communication skills, or other factors, the licensed professionals at Well Marriage Center are here to help improve the communication in your marriage.  

How To Communicate with Your Spouse when Angry

If you and your spouse are angry during a conversation, the most important steps to take are to:

  • Ensure your safety
  • Focus on de-escalation

Shouting matches can be frightening, and if either you or your spouse feel in danger, then effective communication will be impossible. If necessary, create physical space between you and your partner. Going to separate rooms may be enough, or one of you may need to leave the house for a walk or drive. In extreme cases, call 911 or the National Domestic Violence Hotline (800-799-7233. More resources on our crisis links page here.)

When you feel safe, work on de-escalating the confrontation. During a shouting match, it’s natural to want to outdo your spouse and place blame or scream personal attacks. While doing so may release pent-up frustration in the short-term, it will only cause further challenges in the long-term. Instead, try to steer the conversation back to the problem rather than at one another. It’s also important to recognize how you and your partner process emotions. You may only need a few minutes to recenter, but your partner may need to sleep on it before they’re ready to revisit the conversation.

Setting aside time and space to have difficult conversations can also help prevent outbursts because you are both starting from a place of cooperation rather than a fight. Working with a marriage counselor is an effective way to work through challenges and build healthy communication skills in a safe, guided space.  

How To Start Communicating with Your Spouse Again

Improving communication with your spouse takes intentional effort from both people, and the following communication exercises for teams can be a great place to start:

  • Transition away from blaming your partner and express yourself with “I” statements
  • Give your partner several minutes at a time to express themselves to minimize interruptions
  • Include time for positive, light-hearted conversations so every interaction isn’t associated with hard work
  • Schedule regular time for difficult conversations so you have time to gather your thoughts
  • Get away from the distractions of your house to place focus on you, your partner, and the challenges you want to overcome together

At Well Marriage Center, we use these techniques and more to help you and your spouse find common ground again. We take a marriage-first approach, meaning that our goal is to guide you toward a happier and healthier relationship. Schedule an appointment and start improving communication in your marriage. 

 

Get Started

 

 

 

How Can I Improve Communication in My Marriage?

in ,

If you’re looking for ways to improve communication with your partner, then you’re in the right place. Here we cover the stresses that relationships place on effective communication and how you and your spouse can rekindle healthy conversations. There’s also specific exercises and steps to get you started on the right path.

How to Improve Your Marital Communication

For many married couples, structure and commitment are the keys to rebuilding healthy communication. Renewing clear and effective dialogue can be a difficult process, which is why these qualities are so important. Make it easier to stay consistent with your efforts by:

  • Choosing a specific space for difficult conversations
  • Setting aside a dedicated portion of your day
  • Working with a marriage counselor

Rebuilding communication in a relationship also takes intentional effort. You and your partner need to both be committed to the process. Communication is inherently tied to other challenges in a relationship, and making progress will involve many difficult conversations. These challenges are another reason why working with a marriage counselor, like our specialists at Well Marriage Center, can help make the process more engaging and effective. Marriage counselors provide:

  • A safe, neutral space for even the most difficult conversations
  • Mediation to guide discussions in a productive direction
  • Communication exercises tailored for your relationship dynamic    

While this may sound rigid, there are plenty of fun ways to communicate with your spouse! Many of the following marriage communication exercises are part of couples counseling, and you can also try them at home to start reigniting conversations:

  • Start a shared journal or scrapbook. This activity will serve as a fun way for you and your partner to record exciting memories or challenges that you worked through as a team. Sometimes, writing down your feelings is easier than saying them out loud, which is another benefit of this exercise.
  • Have date nights away from the pressures and routines of your daily lives. Dates will give you and your partner time and space to reconnect without worrying about the mess on the kitchen table or who’s turn it is to get the sock back from your dog. In a relaxed setting, you will both feel more comfortable about sharing your feelings.
  • Share music or other media that you’re passionate about. Doing so opens up an opportunity to get to know each other on a deeper level. Your partner’s favorite song at the moment may reveal a lot more about how they’re feeling than a routine conversation ever could.
  • Take a walk together. Just like scheduling a date night outside of the house, taking a walk together is a great way to remove distractions from your environment. And, it’s free and easy to do! The American Psychological Association also published data on how regular, moderate exercise can improve mental health (which also makes communication easier).

 

What Does Healthy Communication in Marriage Look Like?

The journey of improving communication in a marriage is a work in progress, but it’s also one worth making! Like any journey, it helps to have a guide. So, what is effective communication in a marriage? Positive relationship communication often looks like:

  • Listening to understand instead of just responding
  • Accepting responsibility
  • Prioritizing solving problems over placing blame

However, sometimes it’s easier to notice the signs of bad communication in a relationship. These might include:

  • Reacting with blame or defensivenessGetting constantly distracted
  • Avoiding difficult conversations
  • Using aggressive or intentionally hurtful language

The Importance of Healthy Communication in Relationships

Healthy communication is so essential to the success of a marriage, or any relationship, because it allows couples to work together to overcome obstacles, set goals, express needs, and define expectations – when communication breaks down, these things don’t happen. Sometimes, it leads to every conversation becoming an argument and healthy communication loses out to passive aggressive orders, passing blame, and the silent treatment.

Understandably, married couples are concerned when once loving interactions become filled with combative statements.

Are there statistics on how many marriages fail because of a lack of communication? Studies vary on the exact percentage, but most agree that poor communication is responsible for over 50% of failed marriages. This consensus is supported by evidence collected over 50 years of study, which points to contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling as the most significant predictors of a failing relationship.

These numbers may seem intimidating, but there is hope if you’re experiencing poor communication in your relationship. At Well Marriage Center, we believe that couples can revitalize positive communication because we’ve seen it time and time again.  

What Causes a Lack of Communication in a Marriage?

Lack of communication in a relationship is often tied to other, larger issues. When external pressures—like bills, career responsibilities, and unequal household chores—build up, they can cause frustration that seeps into conversations between spouses. Sometimes, marriage can start to feel like living with a coworker or roommate because there are so many tasks to complete. If you’re experiencing this, it’s extra important to make time for conversations that extend beyond your to-do list. 

Mental health challenges—like anxiety, depression, and childhood trauma—can also make it more difficult for partners to open up about their own feelings or trust each other. In these situations, difficult and even exciting conversations with your partner can become overwhelming. Instead of facing the world together, one or both partners may find themselves avoiding confrontation. Working with a marriage counselor can help because sessions don’t just work on improving communication; they also get to the root cause of communication barriers. 

Ready to start putting in the work for a healthier, more connected relationship? At Well Marriage Center, we’re prepared to help you through the challenges, the fun, and everything in between when it comes to rebuilding communication in your marriage. We believe in things that last, meaning we work with you to preserve your marriage. We celebrate what made it great in the first place and look for ways to help you and your partner enjoy more of those moments. Contact us today to schedule an appointment.  

 

Get Started

 

 

Can a Relationship Last Without Communication?

in

We’ve all been there. We’ve had romantic relationships where it feels as though there is some sort of disconnect between ourselves and our partner. Our relationship communication turns disjointed, sometimes even nonexistent or aggressive, and it can create a separation. Some couples are able to work through these issues while others feel they have to call it quits. Before reaching that breaking point, you and your partner can take steps to remediate your problems.

In this blog, we discuss what causes communication issues and how to fix communication in your relationship. We’ll also recommend a couples therapy center with experts who ask more than the surface level couples therapy communication questions.

What Causes a Lack of Communication in Marriage and Other Romantic Relationships?

Most, if not all, causes of a lack of communication in a relationship stem from deeper issues, including:

  • Different communication styles: Different people have varying types of communication in relationships. Some are direct, some only hint at their feelings, and still others may come off as overpowering. Individuals even have different ways of showing and feeling love. Disparate communication styles can warp messages in translation, leaving partners feeling unheard.
  • Unmet needs: This issue goes hand-in-hand with having different communication styles. Individuals who feel as though their significant other isn’t providing what they need in a relationship may start to distance themselves. This, in turn, will result in even less communication between partners.
  • Jealousy: When you or your partner feel hostility towards the other person for spending time or communicating with friends and colleagues, it can lead to anger or resentment. You may end up building walls in your relationship and blocking communication.
  • Prior trauma: Our past experiences often affect how we act and communicate in the present. Philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche once said, “When we are tired, we are attacked by ideas we conquered long ago.” It really means that no matter what you’ve thought you’ve overcome, your weakest moments can remind you of those previous experiences. When you sense trouble in your relationship, you may remember your past (or subconsciously be re-enacting it) and use defense mechanisms or negative coping strategies that result in a lack of communication.

These are only a few examples of problems that lead to poor communication in relationships. With a specialized couples therapist like ours at Well Marriage Center, you can spot and uproot those problems to plant healthier communication into your relationship.

Can a Relationship Survive Without Communication?

As hard as it may be to hear, a relationship cannot survive without communication. It leaves you and your partner feeling isolated, angry, and sad. It can turn the smallest disagreements into the biggest arguments. It may even cause you to question why you two are in a relationship in the first place.

Just because your relationship may lack communication now doesn’t mean it has to stay that way. No matter how long you and your partner have struggled talking to each other, you can turn it around and start fresh by taking the appropriate steps and accepting help from a professional when needed.

How to Deal With No Communication in a Relationship

Rather than learning to deal with a lack of communication, you should instead find ways to improve communication in your relationship. There are a few key actions you can take to accomplish that goal:

 

  • Kickstart communication. Sometimes leaving your home to talk or setting aside designated time to have a conversation can ensure that you explore those deeper questions and concerns that you need to discuss with one another.


  • Listen to one another. That means without distractions and without trying to decide what you want to say next. Engage with your significant other, and show them that you understand what they’re saying. Ask questions as necessary to better understand the message they want to get across. You may even repeat back what they said to you to make sure you comprehended them correctly.


  • Empathize with the other person. When your significant other is expressing their feelings, avoid putting on a defensive air. Instead, work to understand their point of view, even if you don’t necessarily agree with it.


  • Work as a team. Odds are that you both played a part in the lack of communication in your relationship. Take responsibility for what you might have done to contribute to the issues and move forward. Since your relationship is, in fact, a partnership, you both need to work together to uncover and unravel any deeper issues that may have gotten you to where you are. 


  • Talk to a marriage counselor or couples therapist. Working with relationship-friendly professionals (experts whose first solution isn’t separation or divorce) like those at Well Marriage Center can give you the safe space, communication skills advice, and the knowledge you need to discover your deeper problems and work through them together as opposed to against one another.

Take Steps Towards Improved Communication at Well Marriage Center

We at Well Marriage Center want to see your relationship succeed as much as you do. That’s why instead of going through some of the typical communication exercises you might expect from online tips or self-help books, you will experience more meaningful questions and deeper conversations to find what’s really causing the poor communication in your relationship. With our experience and expertise working with couples, you’ll have the opportunity to build a relationship stronger than ever. To get started, contact our intake coordinator or schedule online.



Get Started

How Does Couples Therapy Improve Communication?

in

Strong relationship communication is one of the most valuable and desirable traits that couples seek in their marriage. There’s a wealth of information regarding couples therapy communication questions and how to apply them to your marriage. However, does couples therapy actually work to fix communication issues? It can—if both parties are willing to put in the work. With that in mind, let’s talk about improving communication skills and what to do when you can’t communicate with your partner. We’ll also answer questions like, “How do you fill the communication gap between couples?” 

Can Couples Therapy Help with Communication?

Yes! The good news is couples therapy can help you and your partner work through any communication issues you may be facing in your relationship. In fact, learning how to communicate successfully with one another is one of the main goals of couples counseling. Poor communication is usually the crux of many relationship issues since it can cause misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and even anxiety. That’s why strong communication is fundamental to the success of a marriage! 

Of course, every couple faces different challenges, but what are some of the most common signs of bad communication in a relationship?

  • Listening to respond, rather than listening to understand
  • Responding reactively with your emotions rather than rationally
  • Raising your voice or yelling instead of talking in a calm voice
  • Showing negative non-verbal communication like facial expressions and body language
  • Blaming your partner for anything that goes wrong
  • Not taking a break when things get heated
  • Withdrawing from hard conversations

Understanding how you communicate with your spouse is essential to clearly voice any concerns you may have. It’s also important to remain open and vulnerable with your partner, which can be more difficult if one of you is following the patterns listed above. But you might be surprised to learn that communication is not typically the underlying cause of relationship problems. Often communication suffers when there is a loss of trust, a different set of priorities, and a lack of intimacy—among other things. 

So if you’re wondering how to fix communication in a relationship, couples therapy can help. Licensed couples therapists, like those at Well Marriage Center, will help you focus on the root causes of your relationship problems and introduce healthy communication styles. During couples therapy, your therapist will be there to support you and your partner. They do this by encouraging you to be confident in your feelings, actively listen to each other, and feel empathy for one another. Your therapist will provide you and your partner with other strategies to communicate while also pointing out ineffective communication habits that might stem from deeper issues. 

In general, couples therapy can help you focus on what is causing the communication problems. We know diving into your feelings can be difficult to talk about. You want to feel safe to be open and honest. But couples counseling can help you and your spouse to improve your communication skills while also providing you with a secure place to talk about sensitive or difficult topics. Your therapist will encourage discussions, assist you in using clearer language, and make sure that both parties feel heard and understood. Ultimately, they give you the tools to bridge any gap, including poor communication.

How Do You Fill the Communication Gap Between Couples?

You can “fill the communication gap” between you and your spouse by making time to communicate using skills like active listening, being honest and direct, and acknowledging difficulties when working through problems. Typically, it’s best to find the cause of these issues, rather than blame it all on communication. Keep in mind that improving communication in a relationship is a continuous process that needs the dedication and effort of both parties. You can create a stronger, deeper, and more fulfilling connection by cooperating and applying efficient communication techniques.

How Can You Improve Communication in a Relationship?

The best way to improve communication with your partner is to invest time in each other, whether through communication exercises or couples therapy. Every couple faces difficulty communicating at some point in their relationship. That’s okay! There are a few communication therapy techniques you can work through with your couples therapist to help make communication between you and your partner better, such as:

  • Practice active listening and understand your partner’s perspective
  • Express your feelings clearly and honestly using “I” statements
  • Be empathetic towards your partner and their feelings
  • Be mindful of nonverbal communication and how your body language expresses your emotions
  • Avoid being defensive and listen to your partner’s concerns
  • Acknowledge your part in any issues you’re facing
  • Find a solution or compromise together

Speaking with a licensed therapist will help you navigate these communication techniques while helping you discover the root of the problem. Has your partner cheated? Are you financially irresponsible? Do you have different parenting styles? What childhood traumas are you each bringing to the table? Each of these concerns can lead to poor communication between you and your spouse. 

If you and your partner need to find your way back to one another, the therapists at Well Marriage Center can help you take a strengths-based approach to your marriage counseling. With the most experienced marriage counselors who have helped thousands of couples, you can find success in your relationship too. If you’d like to learn more, visit our website or set up an appointment with our intake coordinator, Melinda. 

 

Get Started

 



What Is Good Communication in a Relationship?

in

Examples of poor communication in a relationship are easy to find. Chances are, you’ve been at both the receiving and giving end of these phrases and more:

  • “Do what you want.”
  • “I’m fine.”
  • “This is all your fault.”
  • “You never do anything right.”
  • “You always say that.”

The list goes on and on. These examples range from passive aggressive to aggressive and have one thing in common: they put you and your partner against each other rather than against the underlying problem. Signs of bad communication in a relationship can show up as:

  • Repeating arguments
  • Escalating feelings of resentment
  • Inability to work together for common goals
  • The silent treatment
  • Less emotional intimacy
  • One person pursues more conversation and the other keeps backing away
  • Nobody listens to the other

It’s also important to understand—and aim for—signs of good communication in a relationship:

  • Open body language
  • Intentional language use
  • Prioritizing conflict resolution
  • Active listening
  • Increased trust 
  • Meeting your partner where they are
  • Actively expressing patience and understanding

Relationship communication takes work to improve–almost everyone picked up their communication habits as children and it can take awhile to rewire the brain for more effective adult communication. The good news is that there are steps that you and your partner can take to build a healthier relationship. From intentionally working on communication skills to working with a couples therapist, this blog covers what you can do to improve communication and focus on what really matters.

Why Is Communication Important in a Relationship?

One of the most noticeable effects of a lack of communication in a relationship is how it can cause other issues to spiral out of control. We end up assuming we know what the other person is thinking and what their motives are. We don’t feel understood, accepted, and appreciated when communication is off. Because of how communication affects all other areas of a relationship, couples often assume that a lack of communication causes any and all relationship issues. While this may be true to a certain extent, working on communication is the first step toward taking on more substantial challenges as a team.

How To Communicate Your Needs in a Relationship

Two common ways to improve communication in a relationship are to work with a marriage counselor or to focus on improving your communication skills with your partner. Either route will take dedication and engagement from both parties. You can use the following nine skills to help guide discussions with your partner in a productive way.

10 Important Communication Skills for Every Relationship

  • Communicate face-to-face. Technology can make communicating more convenient, but it can also make your intentions less clear. There are a lot of ways your partner could interpret a text. When speaking face-to-face, your tone of voice and body language give additional context to what you’re saying and listening to. 
  • Choose a neutral space to communicate in. Choosing the best space to have difficult conversions in is important for two reasons. First, it’s best to avoid having negative experiences in rooms like the bedroom or kitchen. Second, certain spaces may give you or your partner the “home field advantage.” For example, having arguments in your home office may encourage you to speak to your partner as though they are a coworker and not your spouse; this can make communication less effective. 
  • Talk about the big and little things. It can be tempting to only discuss major challenges like financial dilemmas, but it’s just as important to talk about smaller issues. That way, you can work out a solution with your spouse before they grow into something worse.
  • Talk about fun things, too. If you and your partner only talk when it’s time for an argument, then you’ll be more likely to avoid communicating with each other. Be sure to share exciting plans, funny moments from your day, and things that you appreciate about your partner.
  • Give your full attention to your partner. During important talks, focusing on your partner, what you’re discussing, and how they feel about it is a must. That way, you can respond in constructive ways, rather than escalating conflicts due to a misunderstanding.  
  • Allow your partner to express themselves. You and your partner each have unique and valid perspectives. Listen to understand their viewpoint instead of looking for an opportunity to interrupt and respond. Doing so will make your partner feel valued, and you will gain a better understanding of their perspective.
  • Use “I” statements. This skill will help you communicate your own feelings about a topic, just like giving your partner time to speak allows them to share their thoughts. Using “I” statements also helps you avoid trying to place blame on your partner with “you” statements.
  • Be honest. Hiding important details or feelings may be tempting in the short-run, but being upfront about how a situation impacts your relationship gives you and your partner more time to find a solution. Otherwise, that problem could grow until it’s too difficult to hide. 
  • Keep things in perspective. In the heat of an argument, small things can feel like deal-breakers. Dirty dishes, socks laying on the floor, and other issues can add fuel to the fire and distract from the problem at hand. Of course, the small things matter, too, so you can set aside another time to discuss them. 
  • Take a break. Learn to recognize when things are going nowhere and take a beat. If your partner has disengaged, pursuing the conversation further will likely upset you both. If your discussion is spiraling into conflict, take a break. Reassess what is important and set a time to come back to it when you’re both prepared for calm and open discussion. 

How Do You Fix Bad Communication in a Relationship?

Communication is hard, and relationships with poor communication may have a more difficult time overcoming significant challenges. Couples can benefit from a safe and guided space to learn these essential communication skills and work through difficult situations with a mediator. This is exactly what marriage counseling and couples therapy can provide.  

In relationship therapy, we examine why we communicate our needs the way we do. Where did our style start? Does this style still work for us now as adults? Both partners will examine these origins and how the two styles work together, for better or worse.  You’ll come out on the other side with a clearer understanding of how to express your own needs, how to hear your partner’s needs, and how to meet in the middle.

See how a change in communication can start your relationship on the path forward. Schedule an appointment today with Well Marriage Center today.

Get Started

How Long Does It Take To Forgive an Affair?

in , ,

According to the Infidelity Institute, it takes around 18 months to recover from an affair. But this is merely a standard industry answer. In reality, the road to reconciliation is different for every couple and timelines for effective affair recovery vary greatly. 

But how do you forgive someone you love for hurting you? To truly heal together after an affair, couples must understand two important concepts: 

  1. Infidelity leaves deep, painful, emotional and psychological scars that take time and dedication to work through.
  2. Forgiveness isn’t straightforward, and learning how to heal from infidelity trauma as a couple demands a lot of self-restraint and patience. 

We want to make sure that any couple who has experienced such a painful event has the resources they need. Nobody should have to carry the pain and trauma their entire lives or let it identify them forever. Let’s take a look at and elaborate on each of these points to explain how a couple can move past an affair and, surprisingly, build a stronger bond. 

 

Why Does Infidelity Hurt So Much?

The main reason an affair causes so much pain is because infidelity has a lasting impact on a person’s psyche. To illustrate, here are a few of the most common long term infidelity effects:

  • For the person who was cheated on, an affair can cause chronic anxiety, depression, and other mental health challenges. Some studies have even suggested that infidelity may produce PTSD symptoms at a relatively high rate. These feelings can last long after the infidelity is discovered and are often challenging to process and move past without professional help.
  • Infidelity can make it more difficult to fall back in love. Our brains naturally generate more oxytocin and dopamine when we are in love. But when we experience infidelity, the pathways our brain uses to release these chemicals become disrupted, which impacts an individual’s ability to love themselves and others, again. 
  • Affairs make it harder for people to trust themselves, their partners, and also cause many to develop a general mistrust of others—including family, friends, and coworkers. In reference to trust issues, Psychologist Steven Stonsy states, “Just as the harm of a gunshot wound threatens the general health of the body, intimate betrayal goes well beyond issues of trust and love to infect the way we make sense of our lives in general.” For many couples in affair recovery, learning to trust again is their most significant challenge. 

Can You Truly Forgive an Affair? 

The short and quick answer is yes; it is possible to truly forgive an affair. But short and quick solutions are not the most helpful when it comes to affair recovery. In truth, the path to forgiveness is paved with patience. Both partners in the relationship must be patient with themselves and with each other as they navigate difficult topics and heal their wounds. Ultimately, it’s best to avoid putting a timeline on your recovery process. Another point to recognize is that couples do not have to recover on their own. 

With the guidance of a licensed, specialized counselor, healing a relationship after infidelity is a much more peaceful and effective process. Throughout recovery, it’s often difficult for individuals to learn how to describe the pain of infidelity and express its impact on their personal well being. A counselor can help both parties express their feelings and unique perspectives in a healthy and productive way. They can also help you uncover reasons not to divorce after infidelity.

At Well Marriage Center, our counselors will work with you and your partner to examine the dynamics that lead to infidelity, and explore your relationship to develop a healthy solution for both partners. Our ultimate goal is to help you forgive and better understand one another so you both can achieve a higher level of relational health and forge a secure and loving relationship.

If you’re ready to begin again, take the first step and schedule your appointment today.

 

Get Started

 

Couples Therapy Techniques

in , , ,

Marriage counseling and couples therapy (we use the terms interchangeably) can have a hugely positive impact, with studies showing over 90% of couples finding it helpful. But there are so many different techniques that can be used in couples therapy, how do you know which one is the best fit for you? We’ve prepared this helpful guide to answer just that, breaking down some of the most popular and effective marriage counseling techniques below. 

All of our therapists here at Well Marriage have studied these techniques, and more, extensively, as they’ve devoted their careers to helping couples specifically. We’ve gone in depth to make sure we know the most up to date practices and proven scientific approaches that help all interpersonal relationships, including how to handle vulnerability, complex pasts, and communication issues. Here are some of the techniques your therapist here  might combine and engage in your unique and customized session.

What Is the Best Therapy for Relationship Problems?

The best therapy option for your relationship will depend on you and your partner’s life experiences, what your relationship challenges are, and the skill and expertise of your therapist. The best results from therapy will occur when both partners are willing and able to really commit to improving the relationship, and when evidence-based therapy techniques are used by a skilled therapist. 

So can couples therapy help with your relationship? We think so! Our counselors use a variety of evidence-based techniques during sessions and will take you both through the couples therapy exercises that are most likely to be effective for you. 

Some of the best supported techniques that will be incorporated include:

  1. The Gottman Method
  2. Developmental Model of Couples therapy
  3. Imago Therapy
  4. Emotionally Supported
  5. Behavioral Marital Therapy

What Is Gottman Method Couples Therapy?

John Gottman is a psychotherapist that has researched and published many studies on relationship theory, starting in the 1990’s. He has been listed as one of the most influential therapists of the last quarter century. His eponymously named Gottman couples therapy techniques also known as the “Gottman method” is well respected in the field.

So what is Gottman therapy? It is a technique that works to improve marriage functioning by avoiding behaviors found to hurt relationships. Gottman studied divorce and developed a successful divorce prediction method he called “The Four Horsemen,”– behaviors that herald the end of many relationships. These communication and conflict styles often flow into each other in unhealthy relationships, in what Gottman called the Cascade Model of Relational Dissolution. His four key predictors for divorce are: 

  1. Criticism – Couples regularly turn conversations or normal complaints into personal attacks. Statements frequently begin with things like “You always…’ or “You never…” 
  2. Defensiveness – Partners respond to frequent criticism with counter attacks or denial of their responsibility. This often leads to increased criticism and unproductive communication.
  3. Contempt (highest predictor of divorce) – Spouses lose respect for each other, and view themselves as far superior. This behavior can be seen as frequent mocking, hostility, cynicism and sarcasm.
  4. Stonewalling – Mates eventually shut down completely, withdrawing from communication and interaction. When conversation does occur, it’s usually unproductive and hostile.

The Gottman Method uses nine positive components to support couples in breaking these harmful methods of communication and conflict. These are called the “Sound Relationship House” and are meant to strengthen the core of a couple’s intimacy and understanding. They are:

  1. Love Maps – Ask questions designed for partners to get to know each other on a deeper level.
  2. Like Each Other More – Focus on this newfound understanding so the couple develops more fondness and admiration for each other.
  3. Turn Toward Each Other – Notice the other’s needs and bids for affection and try to respond to create more connection.
  4. Positive Perspective – Assume the best of your mate instead of criticizing.
  5. Conflict Management – Think about the other spouse’s feelings when issues arise and work toward more productive dialogue instead of fighting.
  6. Mutual Support – Work together to help each other reach life goals.
  7. Shared Meaning – Develop traditions as a couple that have significance to you both.
  8. Trust – Rely on each other as a source of strength.
  9. Commitment – Dedicate time and energy to the happiness of the relationship and each other.

What is the Developmental Model & What to Expect from Couples Therapy using the Developmental Model?

The developmental model of couples therapy was developed in the 1980’s and it focuses on the effects of development in relationships. The basic concept is that the individuals within a relationship progress through different developmental stages over time, similar to childhood developmental stages. 

This theory predicts that most relationship conflicts happen when the two partners are in different developmental stages. Using this model, couple therapy questions can be used to tell which stage each partner is in at the time, so they can work towards the same developmental stage in the future.

These stages are:

  • Bonding – when couples start to fall in love and crave closeness, the “honeymoon period” 
  • Differentiation – when partners discover their differences and learn to resolve conflict
  • Practicing – when each person develops independence and their own interests outside of the relationship
  • Rapprochement – when spouses return to each other after practicing independence
  • Synergy – when both parties experience true intimacy and are stronger together than apart

Dr. Ellyn Bader has deepened our understanding of the Developmental Model in Couples Therapy through her research and training at the Couples Institute in San Francisco. All therapists at Well Marriage Center have completed her year-long “Developmental Model for Couples Therapy” training program. It focuses on attachment, differentiation (at its core, this is how emotionally mature we are as individuals), and recent advances in neuroscience. It’s a Gold Standard training program. 

What Are Some Communication Exercises for Couples Using Imago Therapy?

Imago therapy builds on the idea that everyone’s childhood experiences shape who they are as adults, and that relationship issues can arise from these childhood happenings. So if a partner grew up in a house with a lot of criticism from a parent, they might be very sensitive to a partner’s criticism, or be very critical themselves.

We all understand that our childhood experiences affect our development, attachment styles, and how we communicate and approach conflict as an adult.

So how does Imago therapy help with couples therapy exercises for communication? There are several ways this therapy helps partners identify negative childhood experiences that have caused relationship breakdowns, then address these issues constructively. Some of these include:

  • Go to a Happy Place – During a therapy session, parts of our brains are very reactive. Finding a mental space where an individual feels safe can make it easier for them to have a constructive session.
  • Practice Mirrored Listening – When one spouse speaks, the other spouse can layer their own interpretation over what was actually said. Repeating what your partner says back to them, called mirroring, can show them that you heard what they really said and make it easier to create empathy. For example, during a heated discussion if one mate says “There are dirty dishes in the sink and it makes me mad”, the other could say “I hear you telling me that the dirty dishes made you angry.” Perhaps very simple, but practicing this can have benefits for all sorts of future conflict and resolution.
  • See Your Partner as an Ally – Instead of viewing a current relationship as following the same negative patterns you’ve experienced in the past, look at it as a means for growth. Identify which part of the issue is about the here and now, and which part is about childhood concerns.
  • Set Aside Time to Talk – Expressing your feelings is important in relationships, to avoid frustration and resentment. But expressing anger or sadness in the moment can be challenging. Imago therapy encourages a couple to make regular appointments to talk about their anger or other issues in a safe and controlled way. Giving time and space for both parties to be ready for this kind of conversation makes talks more productive for everyone.

Therapists may use this approach alone or, more typically, combined with other practices that help heal the complex divides that can spring up between individuals over time. Generally speaking, all models are combined by the therapist in some form or another that is catered to a couple’s unique situation.

What Are Some Couple Therapy Exercises Based on Emotionally Focused Therapy?

Emotionally focused therapy is built on the idea that someone’s emotions aren’t just responses to experiences, but are the basis for how humans structure their lives. This guiding principle is then used in couples therapy to rebuild or strengthen emotional bonds in couples first, which will then allow couples to constructively resolve their issues later.

Some good couple therapy exercises based on emotionally focused principles include:

  • Slowing Down and Being Present – Making a conscious effort to pause in the routines of daily life to connect with your partner matters. This could look like pausing when you first get home to hug and kiss instead of immediately starting chores or vegging on your phone.
  • Being Emotionally Engaged and Responsive – Showing your spouse that you are ready and able to have a real connection is key here. Uncross your arms and lean toward them while they share things about their day. When they reach for your hand, reach back and show them you are also ready for physical closeness.
  • Creating Intentional Connection Times – Incorporating rituals as a couple around times and ways you connect is important to reinforce emotional bonding. Some common examples are greeting each other with a kiss when you wake up, setting aside a specific ‘date night’ to spend quality time together, or signing up for a joint activity you both enjoy.

Which Is an Example of Something Done in Behavioral Marital Therapy?

Behavioral marital therapy is a collective term for a variety of techniques that use the theory that actions reinforced are more likely to be repeated. The basis for behavioral couples therapy techniques is to have couples practice productive communication and provide positive reinforcement for good behavior. This is similar to cognitive behavioral therapy, but centers around relationships specifically.

For example, a couple might have frequent disagreements about who should do the dishes. In a behavioral marital therapy session, a therapist encourages them to discuss this problem using the positive communication styles they have been learning. 

  • Partner 1: “I get angry when I ask you to do the dishes and you never get around to it”. 
  • Therapist: Gently points out that there was criticism in this start to the conversation, and suggests that trying some validation and giving a specific example.
  • Partner 1: “I know you are working really hard, doing an extra computer class in the evenings to support our family, and I appreciate it. But I need help with some of the housework sometimes too. It hurt me last night when you didn’t follow through when I asked you to help with the dishes.”
  • Partner 2: “I know I got caught up in my work last night and didn’t do what you asked, and I’m sorry. I want to show you that I appreciate your time as well, and I’ll work harder to help with housework when you ask.”

Well Marriage: Evidence Based Techniques for Better Relationships

At Well Marriage, we know that every relationship is unique and deserves specialized attention. Our therapists all focus on relationships, which includes marriage and couples counseling, and stay up-to-date on the latest proven techniques. We have worked with over 15,000 couples in person or via video sessions and have the experience to help you and your partner fall in love all over again. 

Our therapists often combine these, and other, techniques that is catered to help in a couple’s specific situation, no matter how trivial or tough it seems.

Please explore our website to see more of what we can offer you, then schedule an appointment with our intake coordinator Melinda to take the next step on your relationship journey.

Success Stories: Karen and Peter

in , , , , , ,

On the vulnerability of sharing success stories:

Sometimes a couple wants to share their story. We’re really appreciative of the vulnerability and trust such a feat takes, and we hope you appreciate these stories as well.

(Names have been changed to preserve the author’s privacy.)

If your relationship is struggling, or if you feel empowered to take preventative steps to keep your relationship in a good place, we’re here to work with all couples who are willing to put in the effort.

Great relationships can be built, rebuilt, and sustained.

Karen and Peter:

I know that we’re not the only couple to experience an affair.  I know it happens to people more frequently than you would think. But it had never happened to any of my friends or family, so when I found out about it, I was completely devastated. I would never blame anyone for being done with their cheating partner, but too often I think people believe that’s their only choice.

We don’t hear about couples who survive affairs, and it does happen.  I’m living proof that you can survive an affair and still be married to the same guy.

I wanted a female counselor, which is one of the reasons I found Mary. I’m really glad it was Mary. She certainly gave me time and space to talk about what it was like to be cheated on, how I felt, how angry I was, and how hurt I was. But the bigger thing she did was help me (and us) understand the affair as a symptom of bigger problems we didn’t know how to fix. It was my choice to stay and work on it. It was also his choice to stay and work on things. Now we are working on understanding what was unhealthy about our relationship and we’re working on making it better. It takes some time. It also takes working on yourself.

I wish we could have done this years ago because I definitely think it might have prevented all this.

What I’ve learned is after an affair, you cannot stay the same in your relationship. You cannot stay the same in life. You have to decide and then change. Whatever you decide, don’t carry the hurt and pain without talking to someone. Don’t do that to yourself.  If you decide to work through it, give Mary a call.  You and your husband will feel comfortable with her.  We’re really glad we did.

 

Get Started

 

Success Stories: Kevin and Paula

in , , , , ,

On the vulnerability of sharing success stories:

Sometimes a couple wants to share their story. We’re really appreciative of the vulnerability and trust such a feat takes, and we hope you appreciate these stories as well.

(Names have been changed to preserve the author’s privacy.)

If your relationship is struggling, or if you feel empowered to take preventative steps to keep your relationship in a good place, we’re here to work with all couples who are willing to put in the effort.

Great relationships can be built, rebuilt, and sustained.

Kevin and Paula:

“After thirty some years together, I had always thought our marriage was in good shape, and that the ‘bumps in the road’ were typical of most marriages. But it was only after my wife took the step to reach out for help through the Well Marriage Center that I began to face the reality that from my wife’s perspective and experience things were not as good as I thought, and no matter how much our marriage may have been typical of any relationship of substantial duration, there was always room for improvement.

From the first conversation we had, I had to face the fact that making the time to listen to each other was sorely needed in ours.

While I questioned at first whether we needed outside help to do so, I’m so glad now that my wife pressed the issue and that we have followed through on our commitment to each other to make the investment of time in our marriage and to work on making our good relationship better. I’ve benefited from the time that we’ve had to really listen to each other at our sessions and for me to put many of my assumptions and my explanations aside and to really hear my wife’s frustration with my patterns of behavior over the years.

Our process individually and together at the Well Marriage Center has also helped us build on what was and is a good relationship by taking the time to recognize what has made it such.

I’ve particularly benefited from identifying the ruts that I’ve fallen into that seem to go hand in hand with us men and that, while benefiting me on many levels in my life, tended to isolate me and work against me in my relationship with my wife.

Being able to talk with the therapist and coach, and with my wife, about those behaviors in a non-judgmental and accepting environment has been liberating and relationship changing. Looking back, I wished I had pursued such an opportunity much sooner.

In truth, I’m amazed that my wife put up with me as long as she did, and at the same time I’m grateful that she gave me this chance – certainly way beyond a second chance – to work with her at the Well Marriage Center on smoothing out our bumps in the road. Many of which have been my own.


Get Started