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How Can I Improve Communication with My Husband or Wife?

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Improving relationship communication isn’t easy, but it is doable with the right steps. If you’ve been researching answers for any of the following challenges, then you’re already on the right path.

  • How do I fix poor communication in my marriage?
  • I don’t know how to communicate with my husband
  • I don’t know how to communicate with my wife

That’s because the first step in any solution to lack of communication in marriage is acknowledging the problem and wanting to solve it. In this blog, we explore ways to communicate better with your partner, whether they’re withdrawn, aggressive, or somewhere in between.

What Causes Poor Communication in a Marriage?

A wide variety of factors can contribute to poor communication in a marriage, including:

  • Lack of dedicated time to communicate one-on-one
  • Unhealed trauma from childhood or past relationships
  • Mental health challenges, like anxiety and depression
  • Lack of healthy and productive communication skills

These contributing factors aren’t always obvious. Sometimes, you may just get the sense that communication with your partner is off. In situations like this, it can help to start with the signs of poor communication and work backwards to find the root cause.

Examples of Poor Communication

Here are some signals that you and your partner need to improve your communication skills:

  • Lack of compromise
  • Consistent interrupting
  • Aggressive communication styles
  • Placing blame
  • Fear of sharing true feelings
  • Assuming the worst intentions from your partner
  • The silent treatment
  • Deflecting difficult conversations with humor

If you notice any of the above signs in your marriage, then there are steps you can take to improve communication with your partner. Fortunately, just because you notice communication challenges doesn’t necessarily mean that your marriage is in danger. Instead, you can take the opportunity to improve communication and your relationship.

Benefits of Healthy Communication

The benefits of healthy communication in a relationship include:

  • Better conflict resolution
  • Increased trust
  • Improved intimacy
  • Lower stress levels
  • Stronger sense of belonging to a team

Not sure where to start? Working with a marriage counselor can provide you and your partner a safe, neutral space to share your perspective. If expressing your feelings isn’t one of your (or your partner’s) strengths, that’s okay, too. At Well Marriage Center, our counselors guide couples through exercises that help you develop healthy communication skills. 

How Do I Deal with My Husband Who Doesn’t Want To Communicate (Or My Wife)?

If your partner doesn’t want to communicate, the first step is to understand why they are avoiding difficult conversations. Here are some common reasons why people shut down during confrontation:

  • They don’t know how to express themselves
  • They’re overwhelmed
  • They don’t want to escalate things or make them worse
  • The misinterpret needs or complaints as blame, and feel like a failure
  • Specific topics of confrontation may be triggers from their past

For many couples, it can be easy to blame gender for certain behaviors that make communication difficult. For example, boys are often raised to ignore vulnerable emotions, according to Psychology Today. These expectations lead to men who repress their feelings and rely on anger and frustration for emotional outlets. On the other hand, women may struggle with expressing their feelings because they can fear being labeled as “emotional” or “hysterical,” states a Forbes article that explores how women’s emotions are perceived in professional settings.

However, while societal expectations on gender and emotional expression can help identify why your partner has difficulty communicating, those expectations don’t tell the full story. Jumping to conclusions like “He doesn’t want to open up because he’s a man,” or “She’s only upset about this because she’s a woman” ignore the unique challenges that your spouse may be experiencing.

Working with a marriage counselor can help you and your partner explore the nuances of your communication barriers. Whether those challenges are from societal pressures, overwhelming responsibilities, underdeveloped communication skills, or other factors, the licensed professionals at Well Marriage Center are here to help improve the communication in your marriage.  

How To Communicate with Your Spouse when Angry

If you and your spouse are angry during a conversation, the most important steps to take are to:

  • Ensure your safety
  • Focus on de-escalation

Shouting matches can be frightening, and if either you or your spouse feel in danger, then effective communication will be impossible. If necessary, create physical space between you and your partner. Going to separate rooms may be enough, or one of you may need to leave the house for a walk or drive. In extreme cases, call 911 or the National Domestic Violence Hotline (800-799-7233. More resources on our crisis links page here.)

When you feel safe, work on de-escalating the confrontation. During a shouting match, it’s natural to want to outdo your spouse and place blame or scream personal attacks. While doing so may release pent-up frustration in the short-term, it will only cause further challenges in the long-term. Instead, try to steer the conversation back to the problem rather than at one another. It’s also important to recognize how you and your partner process emotions. You may only need a few minutes to recenter, but your partner may need to sleep on it before they’re ready to revisit the conversation.

Setting aside time and space to have difficult conversations can also help prevent outbursts because you are both starting from a place of cooperation rather than a fight. Working with a marriage counselor is an effective way to work through challenges and build healthy communication skills in a safe, guided space.  

How To Start Communicating with Your Spouse Again

Improving communication with your spouse takes intentional effort from both people, and the following communication exercises for teams can be a great place to start:

  • Transition away from blaming your partner and express yourself with “I” statements
  • Give your partner several minutes at a time to express themselves to minimize interruptions
  • Include time for positive, light-hearted conversations so every interaction isn’t associated with hard work
  • Schedule regular time for difficult conversations so you have time to gather your thoughts
  • Get away from the distractions of your house to place focus on you, your partner, and the challenges you want to overcome together

At Well Marriage Center, we use these techniques and more to help you and your spouse find common ground again. We take a marriage-first approach, meaning that our goal is to guide you toward a happier and healthier relationship. Schedule an appointment and start improving communication in your marriage. 

 

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What Causes Lack of Communication in a Relationship?

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Couples sometimes struggle with communication, but what do you do when it becomes a pattern? It can feel frustrating, or even demoralizing to struggle with relationship communication, especially when you can’t figure out what’s causing it. While every relationship has its own challenges, there are a few common signs of bad communication in a relationship. The good news is that all of them have solutions.

At Well Marriage Center, we love helping relationships thrive. Let’s take a look at some ways people—and couples—struggle with communicating. We’ll also examine some of the ways a therapist could help you improve communication with your partner.

Why Do People Struggle With Communication Skills?

The short answer is: it’s complicated. Truthfully, there are a lot of factors that impact communication skills, and each of those factors affects people in different ways. Most of them, though, can be boiled down to a few basic concepts. Every person:

  • Learns to communicate (or not communicate) differently
  • Has different needs, and relationships with those needs
  • Receives each type of communication differently
  • Possesses varying degrees of natural social skill

Since each person is unique (as are their life experiences) it’s easy to see how quickly communication between two people can become challenging. This is especially true in a romantic partnership. When two people become a couple, they each bring their personal formula of communication to the table, and chances are those formulas are very different. What’s more, their gaps in communication may not be apparent at first; the reasons for lack of communication in a relationship are not always the stereotypical fighting or silent treatments. Poor communication can also be dynamics that long go unnoticed, or an inability to express needs. And if either partner has not done the therapeutic work of understanding their patterns or behaviors, this can make bridging communication gaps even more challenging.

So, when it comes to couples communication, there are a lot of moving parts. But what are the most common causes of communication difficulties in a relationship? Let’s take a look.

What Causes Poor Communication in a Relationship?

When there is no communication in a relationship, or the communication feels like a challenge, it’s usually because of one (or both) of the partners is struggling with at least one of the following skill sets:

  • Understanding Communication Styles
  • Solving Relationship Conflicts
  • Expressing Unmet Needs
  • Processing External Stress

Let’s take a look at each of these, and how a therapist can help with each skill set.

Understanding Communication Styles

There are four basic styles of communicating: passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive, and assertive. It’s important to not just understand which of these is your default, communication habit, but how your partner communicates as well. This is because each pairing of communication styles sets a tone for different relationship dynamics. If you don’t understand your partner’s communication style (or your own), you’re set up to run into the same kind of trouble over and over again.

How do couples find common ground in communication styles? Ideally, each partner should shoot for assertive communication. When you are assertive, you’re able to boldly express yourself, while giving your partner space to do the same. It also involves respecting your partner’s feelings and concerns. Therapists help couples understand not just what it means to be more assertive, but also how to practice assertive communication in a relationship. This can include tools like “I” statements, which focus on expressing frustration through a lens of feeling, as opposed to a lens of criticism (i.e. “I feel uncomfortable when we don’t talk” versus “You never want to talk about anything”).

Solving Relationship Conflicts

Every relationship has conflict. More than that, every healthy relationship should have conflict on occasion. Conflict, when handled well, can encourage growth, empathy, and an enriched perspective. But the sad reality is that everyone learns different meanings for conflict, a lot of which occurs early in life. For example, people with abandonment issues may fear conflict because to them, it is a sign of impending doom. Conversely, those who grew up in an abusive household may subconsciously associate unhealthy conflict with expressing love, and thus seek out conflict to feel loved.

Therapists show partners how their individual perceptions of conflict play out in the relationship. They may even work in one-on-one sessions with each person to better process conflict, so that when the couple rejoins, there is a better chance of positive resolution. Knowing your partner’s feelings around conflict—and what will trigger an emotional response in them—is key to improving communication.

Expressing Unmet Needs

There may come times in relationships where one partner is not getting what they want or need from the other. Unfortunately, not everyone can clearly express when this happens, and not everyone who can express it does so in a healthy way. On top of that, since everyone receives communication differently, the other partner may either be triggered by the need or may simply not be getting the message—even if it’s clear.

With that, though, it’s important to understand that what seems like “clear communication” to you may not be so clear to your partner. People cannot read minds, and may misunderstand subtle signals, which is why assertive communication is a valuable skill in relationships. Additionally, if you never tell your partner what your needs are, they cannot be there for you. This is another place where therapy helps not just the relationship, but the individual; asking for what you want is an important life skill in general, but it also makes relationships far more fulfilling. People struggle with sharing their needs for a variety of reasons—whether it’s low self-esteem, traumatic events, or expecting their partner to “just know them”—and a good therapist knows how to work with each of these.

Processing External Stress

Life can throw any number of challenges at us—some big, and some small. But no matter what they are, the stressors in our lives impact all of our relationships, including romantic ones. When things become hard for one or both partners, they must come together and support each other through whatever difficulties arise. Unfortunately, it’s not always that easy, as stress can cloud our judgment and make us more reactive, which adds tension to our relationships.

When you’re struggling with life, it’s a good idea to have a therapist—whether you’re in a relationship or not. But it’s especially important for relationships because in addition to your own well-being, you have to look out for the well-being of your partner and the shared bond you two have built together.

Practice Effective Communication With Well Marriage

Whether your relationship is struggling or thriving, it can benefit from improved communication skills. At Well Marriage, our therapists are trained in a variety of tactics, tools, and techniques to enrich any couple’s partnership and help them grow closer. If you’re interested in how therapy can make your love stronger than it’s ever been, please reach out to us and schedule an appointment today.



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How Does Couples Therapy Improve Communication?

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Strong relationship communication is one of the most valuable and desirable traits that couples seek in their marriage. There’s a wealth of information regarding couples therapy communication questions and how to apply them to your marriage. However, does couples therapy actually work to fix communication issues? It can—if both parties are willing to put in the work. With that in mind, let’s talk about improving communication skills and what to do when you can’t communicate with your partner. We’ll also answer questions like, “How do you fill the communication gap between couples?” 

Can Couples Therapy Help with Communication?

Yes! The good news is couples therapy can help you and your partner work through any communication issues you may be facing in your relationship. In fact, learning how to communicate successfully with one another is one of the main goals of couples counseling. Poor communication is usually the crux of many relationship issues since it can cause misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and even anxiety. That’s why strong communication is fundamental to the success of a marriage! 

Of course, every couple faces different challenges, but what are some of the most common signs of bad communication in a relationship?

  • Listening to respond, rather than listening to understand
  • Responding reactively with your emotions rather than rationally
  • Raising your voice or yelling instead of talking in a calm voice
  • Showing negative non-verbal communication like facial expressions and body language
  • Blaming your partner for anything that goes wrong
  • Not taking a break when things get heated
  • Withdrawing from hard conversations

Understanding how you communicate with your spouse is essential to clearly voice any concerns you may have. It’s also important to remain open and vulnerable with your partner, which can be more difficult if one of you is following the patterns listed above. But you might be surprised to learn that communication is not typically the underlying cause of relationship problems. Often communication suffers when there is a loss of trust, a different set of priorities, and a lack of intimacy—among other things. 

So if you’re wondering how to fix communication in a relationship, couples therapy can help. Licensed couples therapists, like those at Well Marriage Center, will help you focus on the root causes of your relationship problems and introduce healthy communication styles. During couples therapy, your therapist will be there to support you and your partner. They do this by encouraging you to be confident in your feelings, actively listen to each other, and feel empathy for one another. Your therapist will provide you and your partner with other strategies to communicate while also pointing out ineffective communication habits that might stem from deeper issues. 

In general, couples therapy can help you focus on what is causing the communication problems. We know diving into your feelings can be difficult to talk about. You want to feel safe to be open and honest. But couples counseling can help you and your spouse to improve your communication skills while also providing you with a secure place to talk about sensitive or difficult topics. Your therapist will encourage discussions, assist you in using clearer language, and make sure that both parties feel heard and understood. Ultimately, they give you the tools to bridge any gap, including poor communication.

How Do You Fill the Communication Gap Between Couples?

You can “fill the communication gap” between you and your spouse by making time to communicate using skills like active listening, being honest and direct, and acknowledging difficulties when working through problems. Typically, it’s best to find the cause of these issues, rather than blame it all on communication. Keep in mind that improving communication in a relationship is a continuous process that needs the dedication and effort of both parties. You can create a stronger, deeper, and more fulfilling connection by cooperating and applying efficient communication techniques.

How Can You Improve Communication in a Relationship?

The best way to improve communication with your partner is to invest time in each other, whether through communication exercises or couples therapy. Every couple faces difficulty communicating at some point in their relationship. That’s okay! There are a few communication therapy techniques you can work through with your couples therapist to help make communication between you and your partner better, such as:

  • Practice active listening and understand your partner’s perspective
  • Express your feelings clearly and honestly using “I” statements
  • Be empathetic towards your partner and their feelings
  • Be mindful of nonverbal communication and how your body language expresses your emotions
  • Avoid being defensive and listen to your partner’s concerns
  • Acknowledge your part in any issues you’re facing
  • Find a solution or compromise together

Speaking with a licensed therapist will help you navigate these communication techniques while helping you discover the root of the problem. Has your partner cheated? Are you financially irresponsible? Do you have different parenting styles? What childhood traumas are you each bringing to the table? Each of these concerns can lead to poor communication between you and your spouse. 

If you and your partner need to find your way back to one another, the therapists at Well Marriage Center can help you take a strengths-based approach to your marriage counseling. With the most experienced marriage counselors who have helped thousands of couples, you can find success in your relationship too. If you’d like to learn more, visit our website or set up an appointment with our intake coordinator, Melinda. 

 

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How Can Couples Improve Their Communication?

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Every relationship has its ups and downs and many couples peg poor communication as the reason for those downs. Relationship communication can strengthen or weaken the bond between two partners depending on how effective it is. And while it is completely normal to have the occasional barrier when talking to one another, prolonged communication issues in relationships can lead to even bigger problems. Before you and your partner get to that point, there are some steps you can take to get your communication back on track. First, though, you need to understand where those problems stem from.

Why Do I Struggle to Communicate With My Partner?

There are several reasons why you may struggle to communicate with your partner. For one, you may not understand your own feelings. You may feel hurt, upset, distant, etc., but you don’t know why you feel that way. Without understanding why you feel the way you do, you have a much harder time conveying to your partner what you need. This can lead to frustration with your partner for misunderstanding you.

You may also struggle to communicate with your partner simply because you were taught growing up to communicate a particular way. Perhaps you were taught to internalize your feelings, which makes it much harder as an adult to communicate them. Or perhaps as a child you unknowingly developed unhealthy or aggressive communication habits or patterns. Additionally, some families have a culture of “asking” or of “guessing” when it comes to meeting needs and expressing wants. For example, some people feel around the edges of a question and feel a need to guess the answer because they don’t feel like it’s appropriate to ask for things directly. All of this can cause you to lash out at or pull away from your partner rather than looking both within yourself and at your partner’s perspective.

Fear can also make it harder for you to communicate with your partner. When you have very real, very raw feelings that you have to share, you have to be vulnerable. You open yourself up to being hurt and potentially hurting your partner. That thought alone can scare many from talking about their feelings. However, this vulnerability is necessary to build trust and forge a strong relationship with your partner.

No matter what reasons there are for the lack of communication in your relationship, know that it’s never too late to work through them. A trained couples therapist like ours here at Well Marriage Center will go beyond the communication exercises you may expect to uncover the root issue(s) behind your struggle to communicate. From there, you and your partner can both learn to heal and move forward together.

What Can a Couple Do to Develop Their Communication Skills?

There are a few ways to improve communication in a relationship, one of which is to take the time to think through why you feel the way you do and how best to communicate that to your partner. When you truly understand your feelings, you’ll have a much easier time expressing them to your partner. Remember that when you do, use an assertive style of communication as opposed to an aggressive one. This style emphasizes openness and honesty while also respecting your partner and their feelings as well. Respectful communication in relationships is the first step to understanding your partner and working through problems as a team rather than as opponents.

Part of respectful communication, too, is listening to your partner. That does not mean that you listen to figure out what you want to say next or to prove your point. Rather, it means listening with your heart open so that you can understand why your partner feels as they do or has been acting a particular way. Listening in this way will also allow you to empathize with your partner.

Once you share your feelings and listen to those of your partner, you’ll have a much simpler time finding common ground with them. That means that, even if you do not agree on something or have been hurt by the other person, you can compromise and make a plan to move forward. It means that no matter what problems arise or what disagreements you have, you are still in the person’s corner when they need you. Finding common ground breeds trust and respect in relationships.

Improving communication won’t happen overnight. And it’s completely normal to have no idea where to start or how to work through previous trauma. Many couples turn to marriage therapy and relationship counseling to help with improving their communication, and that’s a great step to take! We at Well Marriage Center want your relationship to succeed as much as you do. We will give you the support you need every step through your journey towards effective communication.

Well Marriage Center: The Place for Effective Couples Communication Therapy

If you and your partner want to learn how to overcome barriers in communication, turn to Well Marriage Center. Our therapists have worked with thousands of couples and have seen all sorts of styles of communication. They also know how to find the deeper issue causing your problems so that you not only work through your current slump in communication, but can better communicate in future disagreements as well. Get started with one of our therapists and see a world of difference in your relationship.



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What Are Healthy Communication Styles for Couples?

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If you’re reading this, you’ve likely heard “communication is key” for any healthy relationship. While that is true, there is a lot more to that idea than meets the eye. Communication, like a key, can open the door to your partner’s heart (and your own as well). But with that, it’s important to know that communication styles, like keys, aren’t universal. Some “keys” that work for certain people may not for others. Some “keys” are bad to use on any person. And the truth is, there is no one-size-fits all, “master key” for relationship communication. Every couple is different because each person is unique, carrying their own personalities, past traumas, and relationship needs. It’s up to the couples to figure that out—together.

So, how can loving couples learn which communication styles are “keys” for their relationship? Some of that knowledge develops naturally, as partners learn more about each other. But seeing a couples counselor is another great way to improve communication—and it’s not just for struggling couples, either. Therapists give you an objective, expert perspective, which can be helpful for any relationship, regardless of how new (or old) it is. One of the reasons for this is that therapists help couples understand—and practice—healthy communication. What are some healthy communication examples? Let’s go over a few basic guidelines together.

What Is Healthy Communication in a Relationship?

Ultimately, every relationship is unique, and so is each relationship’s version of healthy communication. But to get to that point, you must first establish ground rules that encourage respect, trust, and vulnerability. With that in mind, we at Well Marriage are happy to share a few good starting points.

Healthy communication in a relationship will almost always include the following:

  • Know yourself, and your needs—then share them. This is arguably the most important step, because you are the only person who is an expert on, well, you! In relationships, it’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking your partner is a mind-reader, or that they “should just know” what you need from them. It’s never good to assume your partner fully understands your needs or knows how their actions impact your feelings. This is especially true when dating someone with a different communication style than you (which we’ll cover later in this article). Knowing your relationship needs can be quite challenging, but a therapist can really help you discover them.
  • Listen to understand, rather than to respond. Listening to your partner is a sign of love and respect; it’s also an act of deep intimacy. But there is a clear difference between “hearing” what someone says and truly “listening.” Active listening involves devoting your attention not just to your partner’s words, but their tone, delivery, and other nonverbal cues. Listening also involves acknowledging your partner as they speak, withholding judgment until they’re finished talking, and asking questions to clarify what they say. Besides, if you’re already formulating your response as your partner is talking, you’re not only ignoring them, but you are acting on incomplete information. Listening can be especially challenging when you’re discussing something contentious or arguing, but that is perhaps when listening well is most important.
  • Speak through a lens of how things make you feel. Our feelings are not just deeply personal and unique to us, they also give our loved ones a roadmap for how to meet our needs. When your partner upsets you in some way, it can be tempting to criticize them. But not only is criticism unhealthy for a relationship, it will not help your partner understand what you want. Always try to express things through “I” statements, rather than “you” statements; this will help you center your emotions, rather than attacking your partner. An example of this is choosing to say “I feel hurt when you don’t help me clean the kitchen,” rather than, “you never want to help clean up.”  
  • Validate your partner’s feelings and experiences. Truthfully, you will not always understand your partner’s emotions. And you will not always agree on how to interpret what happens in your relationship. But even in those times, it’s important to respect your partner’s feelings. Emotions cannot be “right” or “wrong”—they just are—so you must trust that your partner will speak authentically about their feelings. And likewise, they must trust you will do the same. Validating does not have to equal agreement, it can be as simple as expressing “I understand how that must make you feel.” From there, you can work on solutions or compromises.

What Communication Styles Are Needed for Healthy Relationships?

While every relationship’s specific communication patterns will vary, there is a general style that couples should aim for: assertive communication. Assertiveness is one of the four basic communication styles, which are:

  • Passive | Avoids conflict, often letting their partner make all the decisions
  • Aggressive | Embraces conflict, often dominating and controlling the relationship
  • Passive-Aggressive | Knows what they want but has trouble voicing it, leading to resentment
  • Assertive | Clearly expresses their needs and wants, while respecting others’ needs and wants

Assertive communication styles are direct but respectful. Being assertive means boldly expressing your feelings or desires and asking direct questions, while ensuring that others can do the same. But not everyone knows how to communicate assertively, and even if they do, they may still struggle with it or not know how to respond to assertive communications. Many people likely fall back onto one of the other communication styles—whether it’s from past trauma, unmet needs, or not being fully in touch with their emotions. 

What Is the Hardest Communication Style To Deal With?

This is largely subjective, as each style can be hard to work with, for different reasons. Aggressive people can be domineering and stubborn, but passive people can feel inaccessible and “far away” to their partner. And passive-aggressive people tend to let things build up until they reach a boiling point. In each of these situations, an experienced therapist helps couples bridge the initial communication gap, then gives them the tools to do that on their own.

Learn Healthy Communication With Well Marriage

Communication is key, and with the right key, you and your partner can unlock the door to a better relationship. Our therapists can help you discover what “keys” will best fit your relationship and give you strategies to improve your communication daily. It can be challenging to know what to do when you struggle to communicate with your partner. Even if your relationship isn’t struggling, you may just want a way to deepen your relationship and have more intimacy. At Well Marriage, we’re passionate about giving couples the tools they need to build a happy, deep, thriving partnership—together.

If you’d like to learn more about how we can strengthen your relationship’s communication, reach out to us and schedule an appointment today!

 

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What Is Good Communication in a Relationship?

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Examples of poor communication in a relationship are easy to find. Chances are, you’ve been at both the receiving and giving end of these phrases and more:

  • “Do what you want.”
  • “I’m fine.”
  • “This is all your fault.”
  • “You never do anything right.”
  • “You always say that.”

The list goes on and on. These examples range from passive aggressive to aggressive and have one thing in common: they put you and your partner against each other rather than against the underlying problem. Signs of bad communication in a relationship can show up as:

  • Repeating arguments
  • Escalating feelings of resentment
  • Inability to work together for common goals
  • The silent treatment
  • Less emotional intimacy
  • One person pursues more conversation and the other keeps backing away
  • Nobody listens to the other

It’s also important to understand—and aim for—signs of good communication in a relationship:

  • Open body language
  • Intentional language use
  • Prioritizing conflict resolution
  • Active listening
  • Increased trust 
  • Meeting your partner where they are
  • Actively expressing patience and understanding

Relationship communication takes work to improve–almost everyone picked up their communication habits as children and it can take awhile to rewire the brain for more effective adult communication. The good news is that there are steps that you and your partner can take to build a healthier relationship. From intentionally working on communication skills to working with a couples therapist, this blog covers what you can do to improve communication and focus on what really matters.

Why Is Communication Important in a Relationship?

One of the most noticeable effects of a lack of communication in a relationship is how it can cause other issues to spiral out of control. We end up assuming we know what the other person is thinking and what their motives are. We don’t feel understood, accepted, and appreciated when communication is off. Because of how communication affects all other areas of a relationship, couples often assume that a lack of communication causes any and all relationship issues. While this may be true to a certain extent, working on communication is the first step toward taking on more substantial challenges as a team.

How To Communicate Your Needs in a Relationship

Two common ways to improve communication in a relationship are to work with a marriage counselor or to focus on improving your communication skills with your partner. Either route will take dedication and engagement from both parties. You can use the following nine skills to help guide discussions with your partner in a productive way.

10 Important Communication Skills for Every Relationship

  • Communicate face-to-face. Technology can make communicating more convenient, but it can also make your intentions less clear. There are a lot of ways your partner could interpret a text. When speaking face-to-face, your tone of voice and body language give additional context to what you’re saying and listening to. 
  • Choose a neutral space to communicate in. Choosing the best space to have difficult conversions in is important for two reasons. First, it’s best to avoid having negative experiences in rooms like the bedroom or kitchen. Second, certain spaces may give you or your partner the “home field advantage.” For example, having arguments in your home office may encourage you to speak to your partner as though they are a coworker and not your spouse; this can make communication less effective. 
  • Talk about the big and little things. It can be tempting to only discuss major challenges like financial dilemmas, but it’s just as important to talk about smaller issues. That way, you can work out a solution with your spouse before they grow into something worse.
  • Talk about fun things, too. If you and your partner only talk when it’s time for an argument, then you’ll be more likely to avoid communicating with each other. Be sure to share exciting plans, funny moments from your day, and things that you appreciate about your partner.
  • Give your full attention to your partner. During important talks, focusing on your partner, what you’re discussing, and how they feel about it is a must. That way, you can respond in constructive ways, rather than escalating conflicts due to a misunderstanding.  
  • Allow your partner to express themselves. You and your partner each have unique and valid perspectives. Listen to understand their viewpoint instead of looking for an opportunity to interrupt and respond. Doing so will make your partner feel valued, and you will gain a better understanding of their perspective.
  • Use “I” statements. This skill will help you communicate your own feelings about a topic, just like giving your partner time to speak allows them to share their thoughts. Using “I” statements also helps you avoid trying to place blame on your partner with “you” statements.
  • Be honest. Hiding important details or feelings may be tempting in the short-run, but being upfront about how a situation impacts your relationship gives you and your partner more time to find a solution. Otherwise, that problem could grow until it’s too difficult to hide. 
  • Keep things in perspective. In the heat of an argument, small things can feel like deal-breakers. Dirty dishes, socks laying on the floor, and other issues can add fuel to the fire and distract from the problem at hand. Of course, the small things matter, too, so you can set aside another time to discuss them. 
  • Take a break. Learn to recognize when things are going nowhere and take a beat. If your partner has disengaged, pursuing the conversation further will likely upset you both. If your discussion is spiraling into conflict, take a break. Reassess what is important and set a time to come back to it when you’re both prepared for calm and open discussion. 

How Do You Fix Bad Communication in a Relationship?

Communication is hard, and relationships with poor communication may have a more difficult time overcoming significant challenges. Couples can benefit from a safe and guided space to learn these essential communication skills and work through difficult situations with a mediator. This is exactly what marriage counseling and couples therapy can provide.  

In relationship therapy, we examine why we communicate our needs the way we do. Where did our style start? Does this style still work for us now as adults? Both partners will examine these origins and how the two styles work together, for better or worse.  You’ll come out on the other side with a clearer understanding of how to express your own needs, how to hear your partner’s needs, and how to meet in the middle.

See how a change in communication can start your relationship on the path forward. Schedule an appointment today with Well Marriage Center today.

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What Are the Stages of Affair Recovery?

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If you’ve cheated or been cheated on, you’re not alone. According to Psychology Today, “about 20 percent of men and 13 percent of women report that they’ve had sex with someone other than their spouse while married.” 

Why do people cheat? It can happen for a range of reasons, like feeling neglected, growing bored, or simply one partner falling out of love with the other. Often, it’s not easy to even figure out the root cause or causes, making affair recovery a tricky endeavor—and one that’s best left to a qualified marriage or couples counselor. 

While people’s reasons for cheating may be complex and difficult to untangle, there’s hope. The aftermath of an affair is a rollercoaster of painful emotions that can have devastating, long-term effects if not handled appropriately. Once you understand the stages of healing after infidelity and find the right counselor to help you navigate them through your unique situation, recovery should start to feel like a real possibility.

Note: we use “marriage” and “couples” counseling interchangeably, as we’re here to support any committed relationship that is in distress. We hope you can find this information useful, regardless of legal status or how you personally label your relationship.

How Do You Start the Healing Process After an Affair?

Even though it can cause deep feelings of betrayal and hurt, infidelity does not have to mean the end of the marriage or relationship. That being said, getting past the initial trauma can feel overwhelming in the early stages after an affair has been discovered.

The best advice in the immediate aftermath of affair discovery is to work past the urge to lash out, which typically only makes things worse. Instead, it’s important to take a breath, give each other some space, and avoid making any rash decisions in the moment.

When you’re ready to begin the process of mending the relationship, you’ll want to bring a couples therapist into the conversation. Especially if they specialize in affair recovery, a counselor will be able to help guide you down the path toward reconciliation and healing. The best part? “When both partners are committed to real healing, most couples survive and many marriages become stronger with deeper levels of intimacy,” according to Mayo Clinic.

Even for couples who have decided to split after the discovery of infidelity, working with a specialized clinician can help people overcome the damaging, long-term emotional and mental distress that follows.

 

What Are the Stages of Healing After an Affair?

The five main infidelity recovery stages, which run parallel to the general stages of grief, are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

  • Denial: In this stage, both partners struggle to make sense of what’s occurred. For the cheater, this might mean being surprised by their own error and the hurt they’ve caused. For the partner who’s been cheated on, this stage involves processing the initial feelings of betrayal after an affair. A counselor will help you to better understand the reasons the affair occurred, a crucial first step in the healing process. 
  • Anger: Understandably, the partner who’s been cheated on is going to be in a great deal of pain, with feelings of anger, embarrassment, and a drop in self-worth. The cheater likely feels some guilt and shame, too. Anger, often considered a secondary emotion, is likely to have its roots in deeper feelings like hurt and confusion. Working with a counselor helps to ensure that discussions remain civil and that each partner can work through their thoughts and feelings in a safe, judgment-free environment. 
  • Bargaining: During this stage, partners are likely to question various circumstances and possible causes behind the affair. Left to their own devices, many people internalize the blame, thinking things like “If only I had (or hadn’t) done [X], maybe this wouldn’t have happened.” It can result in a series of negative thoughts that ruminate in your mind if you’re not careful. When you work with an affair recovery counselor, they’ll help to make sure each partner feels heard and understood—and that neither partner falls into any sort of unproductive blame spirals.
  • Depression: As betrayal’s full impact comes into focus, depression tends to follow. What does it feel like? It feels like hurt, sadness, and doubt. You can begin to doubt yourself and others.  It can even feel hopeless and like the past was a lie. An affair recovery counselor understands how to navigate these proverbial seas of pain and can help couples to keep lines of communication (and healing) open. This way, neither partner is left to dwell too long in this stage.
  • Acceptance: While no quality counselor will tell you to just “accept” what happened or to “get over it,” their job is to help determine what healing looks like for your unique situation. This stage is more about reflection and potential forgiveness than it is about finality or closure. Part of acceptance can also be accepting what was broken in the relationship before the affair, and creating a tailored plan with your therapist to make sure the next stage of your relationship journey is stronger and more vibrant.

For a deeper dive into each of these stages and how to work through them, this Gottman Institute article is a great resource.

What Kind of Trauma Does Cheating Cause?

The intense feelings of betrayal that follow infidelity define a particular type of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) known as post traumatic infidelity syndrome. Symptoms of this disorder can include:

  • Rumination and recurring thoughts
  • Traumatic recall (flashbacks)
  • Emotional numbness
  • Avoidance, isolation, and withdrawal
  • Anxiety and depression
  • Insomnia
  • Erosion of trust

It’s important to note that the list above is not necessarily complete, but goes to illustrate the wide range of effects infidelity can bring about. Working with a qualified marriage counselor is the best way to explore and begin unpacking the effects of trauma. A counselor will also help you build a better, more sustainable future through the development of better communication, trust, and intimacy. Gaining insight and creating a plan with a specialist will help keep you and your relationships with others from being defined by a traumatic affair.

How Long Does It Take To Recover From Infidelity Trauma?

While every couple and every marriage is different, experts generally agree that it takes “months, even years, to successfully rebuild trust” after infidelity. Trauma is a tricky, tricky thing, and everyone experiences it differently. Some people are predisposed to feeling deeply hurt in certain situations, while others might have more resilience or an ability to “move on” more quickly. 

Working with a marriage counselor who specializes in affair recovery helps with this process by:

  • Understanding and validating each partner’s feelings, needs, and priorities
  • Finding common ground between partners
  • Setting clear expectations for the recovery process
  • Helping to determine root causes and appropriate solutions
  • Creating a safe environment for vulnerability and sharing
  • Identifying what boundaries should be set after infidelity to rebuild trust

Affair Recovery Starts With a Single Call—to Well Marriage Center

At Well Marriage Center, our affair recovery counselors are ready and waiting to help couples start the healing and reconciliation process and work toward rediscovering their love. 

We take a strengths-based approach to affair recovery, one that’s designed to rebuild trust and help couples reconnect, get back on track, and develop strategies to help ensure that you can stay on track. It doesn’t have—and shouldn’t—feel hopeless! 

Even for couples who do not choose to stay and work on their relationship after an affair, a specialized counselor can help one or both partners unpack, heal, and plan for their futures, so the baggage of affair trauma doesn’t snowball into longer-term issues.

Every journey begins with a single step, so get in touch with our team today.



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Stages of Healing After Infidelity

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We understand that affairs hurt. If you are struggling with the  effects of infidelity in your relationship, the first thing to know is that you are absolutely not alone. Infidelity is one of the biggest reasons many couples seek out marriage counseling, and working through the complex emotions that come with cheating is much easier with professional help that specializes in affair recovery.

The good news is that many couples are able to work through the intense pain caused by infidelity and go on to have happy and fulfilling relationships or marriages. This is especially true when both partners want the relationship  to continue and are willing to put in the time and work it takes to process  through the stages of healing after infidelity.

Even when couples decide to break up after an affair, therapeutic healing can help each individual with the damaging emotions and trauma, like shame, anger, grief, and even PTSD that follows.

People who are dealing with infidelity want to know things like “How long does the pain from infidelity last?” Because the desire to know how and when you might be able to recover from cheating is so common, let’s look at  several ways to think about the stages of affair recovery. These include:

  • the betrayed spouse cycle
  • the stages of grief after infidelity
  • the stages of couples therapy after infidelity

These different breakdowns of how recovery can look give a helpful framework for many people to understand what may be in store for them. But it’s important to remember that rebuilding your relationship after cheating will not be a perfectly linear path, and each couples’ experiences will be unique to them.

What Are the Stages of Recovery from Infidelity?

There are four common stages that the betrayed spouse often goes through when dealing with infidelity, sometimes also called the betrayed spouse cycle. Although there aren’t exact timelines for how long each stage lasts, they do typically occur in this order.

  • Discovery – Ground zero,when a partner first learns about the affair. This includes feelings of shock, confusion, and disbelief.
  • Reaction – After processing the initial shock, the betrayed spouse experiences a rollercoaster of emotional reactions, often including anger, fear, distrust, denial, and obsessive thoughts.
  • Beginning to Forgive – When the initial reactions and emotions have been worked through, partners can start to examine and accept why the cheating happened and start to think about the future of the relationship.
  • Recommitment and Reconciliation – Partners are able to move past the affair and create the new version of their relationship with infidelity as just one piece of their overall story. 

What Are the 5 Stages of Grief With Infidelity?

After the shock and discovery of unfaithfulness, grief is a common emotion. The partner that was cheated on will likely mourn the loss of the relationship as they knew it, and the broken trust that comes with the betrayal. They often wonder if everything about their partnership was a lie. But do the cheaters grieve, too? Oftentimes yes. The person who was unfaithful is also dealing with a complicated set of emotions that can include shame, guilt, grief, and sadness. 

Many people struggling to deal with infidelity find it helpful to apply the idea of the stages of grief to their cheating spouse reaction. Although not everyone experiences each stage and they can occur in any order, these stages are:

  1. Denial
  2. Anger
  3. Bargaining
  4. Depression
  5. Acceptance

It can be a real challenge for couples to deal with all the strong emotions infidelity brings up for both parties. It’s important to center the needs of the betrayed spouse while not neglecting the emotional turmoil that the unfaithful partner is experiencing. This approach helps a couple move together through this process. Helping each partner share their truth is something a professional therapist trained in infidelity recovery will help couples navigate. 

This framework typically applies most during the reaction stage of infidelity recovery and relates to the impact of infidelity on the betrayed spouse. During this phase especially, working with an experienced marriage counselor can be vital. It is extremely important that the person who was cheated on is given the support they need to process their understandable emotions, while also protecting the relationship as a whole so partners have the option to reconcile. This is a very delicate balance and will be made much easier if there is a neutral moderator in attendance.

What Are the Stages of Marriage Counseling After Cheating?

At Well Marriage, our experienced clinicians don’t necessarily all follow one specific approach, because every situation is different. But there is a rhythm of how a specialist will work with couples after affairs. This can be broken down into two stages.

Stage One: Emoting

There will be strong emotions on both sides after infidelity is discovered. If a couple is willing to work with a therapist to try and save their relationship or marriage, that does not mean that one or both partners don’t still have many strong emotions about the situation. Understandably, the betrayed spouse often feels hurt and angry, and wonders what happens if the pain of infidelity never goes away. At the same time, the partner who stepped out is often wrestling with their own feelings of unworthiness, guilt, and defensiveness. 

During this stage, an inexperienced counselor or friends that a couple might confide in for support tend to focus on the problem. Discussions can spiral out of control quickly. Unguided personal attacks on the cheating partner and other unproductive negative conversations about the relationship as a whole can irreparably damage the relationship. 

But a couples therapist who is experienced in guiding people through these conversations can help protect both partners and the relationship as a whole. This can be similar to a delicate dance, allowing each individual to share their emotions without making it harder for them to ultimately reconcile if that is what they choose. A therapist can help the partner who was cheated on share their complex emotions AND the cheating partner hear it in a way that’s helpful to them and to the relationship going forward.

Stage Two: Root Causes and Next Steps

Once the biggest and most intense emotions have been worked through, the next stage of therapy is to look at what was happening in the relationship before the cheating. This isn’t done to justify the cheater’s actions or minimize the emotions of either spouse. Instead it’s to allow them to work together to find a way forward after infidelity in a healthier and closer way. This is a time when a trained therapist can help the partners identify patterns of behavior in the relationship that weren’t working before and give each person skills to deal with them differently.

Let’s look at a hypothetical example of a common scenario we see in infidelity recovery. Marcia and Tim have been married for 10 years and have two young kids. Marcia’s main focus in this life stage is on meeting all the needs of the children, and there isn’t enough time for her to also focus on her romantic relationship with her husband. Tim doesn’t have the emotional maturity or skills to identify his need for more connection or to take the lead on it himself. Tim is unfaithful to Marcia in a misguided attempt to meet his own emotional needs. He then feels intense guilt and shame for his actions and confesses the infidelity. Tim knows he wants his marriage to continue, and he finds a marriage counselor to help.

After the strongest emotions have been unpacked during stage one of Marcia and Tim’s counseling, their therapist guides them into stage two. The counselor helps them learn to identify their emotional issues as they are happening, instead of coasting along without connection through their relationship. They acquire new skills of asking for what they each need, and slowly build back trust in the partnership. Together, Marcia and Tim rebuild a stronger marriage where everyone’s needs are met in a healthy and productive way.

Although this story has  been generalized and simplified, this kind of result really does happen for thousands of couples who have worked through infidelity recovery with Well Marriage Counseling. Infidelity is a huge hurdle for couples to cross, but with the right support and willing participation of both partners, it is absolutely possible for relationships to come out stronger on the other side. 

Our therapists get letters from couples months after their therapy journey has ended, telling us that affair recovery was the gateway to a fuller, better relationship. That it was the “shock to the system” that made them really come together and ask the hard questions about if they should stay together and what they wanted their relationship to look like in the long run. 

This isn’t true in every case, but if both partners know they want to try and save their relationship and are willing to come to therapy and put in the effort, there is a lot of hope for healing. At Well Marriage Counseling, we are a relationship positive space and will work with you to save your relationship if that’s what both parties want. We have seen firsthand the positive results that are possible with the right kind of help, and we want to help you get there too.

 Does Infidelity Pain Ever Go Away?

For the partner who has just discovered their spouse’s unfaithfulness, the rollercoaster of emotions can be overwhelming and debilitating. You might find yourself asking questions like:

  • How long does the shock of infidelity last?
  • How do I stop obsessing over being cheated on?
  • How do I let go of pain caused by infidelity?

The answers are that the pain caused by this betrayal will take time to lessen and will always be part of the story of this relationship. But it lessens significantly as time goes on. The shock and disbelief will last a relatively short time, typically during the first discovery stage. Then, as a person moves into the reaction phase and processes their feelings with a therapist, they can come to terms with the infidelity so that it no longer is the defining feature of the relationship or their own, personal life story.

The long-term infidelity effects have been likened to a ball, bouncing inside a box. At first the infidelity has huge power and energy, and bounces off the walls causing pain almost continually. But over time, it lessens and only bumps into a wall occasionally, until it finally stops altogether. The ball will always be inside the box, just like the affair will always be a part of the relationship story. But it will eventually lose most of its power to hurt, and the relationship will no longer be defined by this cheating.

What Is a Good Way to Start Healing After An Affair?

Getting help from someone experienced in affair recovery is a good first step. Going through the trauma, PTSD, and harmful emotions of an affair is a big deal, and getting the right help matters. Infidelity and affair recovery is one of the most common relationship and  marital challenges we encounter at Well Marriage Center, and we have helped thousands of couples work through it and come out stronger on the other side. Even if ending the marriage is the final decision of the couple, having the care and support of a knowledgeable therapist can help both partners find the healing they need to move forward separately.

Although the pain of infidelity can feel insurmountable, there is hope for a brighter tomorrow. Contact us today to begin your healing journey. You can also read more about this on our blog or find a therapist near you. 

 

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Can Marriage Be Saved After Infidelity?

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Yes, you can save your marriage after infidelity if both partners are committed to repairing the relationship.

Affair recovery takes serious work and transparency, but it is possible. And if you’re wondering, “Can therapy help with cheating?” The answer is, absolutely.

Our experienced counselors at Well Marriage Center have successfully guided many couples through the stages of healing after infidelity. A big part of what we do is help partners get to, and make a plan to fix, the root causes and dynamics that led to cheating. So much healing can happen when both sides reach a true understanding of the other, from why the offender cheated to an exploration of the victim’s hurt.

We’ve gathered the top six mistakes we see from both parties in affair recovery so that you can avoid these pitfalls yourself. Remember, it won’t be an easy process, but with the right attitudes and a lot of work, you two can make your marriage stronger than it’s ever been.

6 Common Marriage Reconciliation Mistakes to Avoid After Infidelity

People are more likely to make rash decisions when emotions are high after one partner discovers the other is being unfaithful. These high emotions can include anger and lashing out, humiliation, and decreased feelings of self-worth for both partners. When our feelings are going through such a roller coaster, it’s easy to fall into common, human mistakes that make the already traumatic situation worse long-term. Consider these six most common mistakes our counselors see from couples going through affair recovery: 

1. Pretending Everything Is Normal

Your relationship or marriage will never be the same after infidelity. This realization will probably hurt at first, but it’s also helpful to acknowledge. The betrayed partner is likely furious and devastated, and they may even feel some detachment after infidelity. They want to know how to stop overthinking after being cheated on and move forward with their life. The offender must consistently show they take responsibility for their actions in multiple ways. For example, they may need to increase communication about where they are and who they are with to show their partner that they will not be a repeat offender. 

2. Confronting the Affair Partner

Finding out your partner cheated on you usually results in an explosion of powerful emotions. Looking to direct those feelings somewhere, folks sometimes feel justified confronting the “other” person. In most cases, this confrontation will only make marriage reconciliation harder. You may learn things you’d prefer not to know or even encourage that person to pursue your spouse. There are some circumstances where a confrontation may be necessary, however. For example, a confrontation will likely be unavoidable if the victim regularly interacts with the affair partner.

3. Not Cutting off Contact With the Affair Partner

The offender must choose to cut off all contact with their affair partner. Note we said “choose.” The choice to officially leave their affair partner needs to be theirs alone. If they feel like they don’t want to stop contacting their affair partner, then they need to reconsider why they’re in a marriage to someone else in the first place. Offenders who are fully committed to cutting off the other person should discuss with their spouse how they plan to get this person out of their lives, like blocking them on their cell phone and social media.

4. Taking Revenge

We know you really want to dig your keys into the side of their pretty little souped-up four-wheel drive—but don’t do it, to your partner or the person they cheated with. Acts of revenge will only provide a short-lived feeling of satisfaction, and they do not contribute to healing after an affair (no matter what Ms. Carrie Underwood says). Revenge further deteriorates trust between partners and will likely add to feelings of shame and embarrassment.

5. Asking For Too Much or Too Little Information

The betrayed spouse needs to consider how much they want to know about the affair. Some information will only be painful to learn and hinder moving forward, like asking if the sex was “good.” However, you also don’t want a surprising, painful detail to come out about the affair years down the road. A good balance between these two is finding out how long the affair was going on. This question will reveal how serious your partner was about this person—was it a year-long affair with regular meetings, or was it a one-time mistake? The healing process will look different depending on your partner’s answer to this question. A counselor who specializes in affair recovery will be able to tailor your recovery journey based on this and other information.

6. Not Seeking Professional Therapy

Staying married after infidelity is not easy, but a marriage counselor with years of experience and education can make it much easier. They will guide you through the chaotic impact of infidelity on the betrayed spouse as well as the offender. 

Many couples suffering from an affair come to us at Well Marriage Center feeling hopeless. We get it, and if you feel this way, please know your feelings are entirely normal and valid. However, simply showing up to marriage counseling is a step in the right direction. 

Our counselors have helped couple after couple recover from infidelity by encouraging patience, honesty, care, and a willingness to make necessary changes. These results are the beauty of our strengths-based counseling approach, as we do everything we can to help you focus on the positives of your relationship and rebuild trust and love in a lasting way.

If you want to save your marriage through counseling after infidelity, schedule an appointment with us. Our intake coordinator, Melinda, can answer any questions you may have about our process. We look forward to meeting you and working together to restore the trust and love in your marriage.

 

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What To Expect in Couples Therapy After Infidelity

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If you’ve found this article, you’re likely in a difficult place with your romantic partner.

Infidelity can be a staggering blow to any relationship, and the resulting pain can make infidelity recovery seem all but impossible. Maybe you’ve recently discovered your partner has been unfaithful, or maybe you were the one who was unfaithful. You may be wondering, “Is recovery possible? Can therapy help with cheating? And is it even worth trying?”

We certainly think so. Every situation is different, but if both partners are willing to take that leap of faith together, the relationship already has a much better chance. While the road to recovery will undoubtedly be challenging, at Well Marriage Center we believe that it is a challenge worth facing, and thanks to couples therapy, you don’t have to face it alone.

Even if you’re ready to take that next step, infidelity therapy can be a scary thought. If that fear and uncertainty is something you find yourself feeling, we’re here to help. Let’s start with the basics of infidelity therapy, including common starting points for healing, goals for couples therapy after infidelity, and more. Before we get into what those steps are, let’s set some expectations about recovery that will help you keep perspective and maintain hope throughout the process.

How Do You Heal From Infidelity Trauma?

Ultimately, every relationship’s circumstances are different, so the exact road to recovery will vary for each couple. Regardless of what your starting point is, here are a few things to keep in mind as you embark on this journey together:

Honesty Is Key

Transparency after cheating is not only important, but critical. Couples whose partners are willing to open up about their mistakes leading up to an affair have a much higher chance of repairing things. While it will likely be painful to discuss not just the infidelity but the relationship as a whole, without a willingness to be transparent, recovery is effectively impossible.

The Healing Process Is Non-Linear

The feeling of “one step forward, two steps backward” is common in any kind of therapy, much less couples therapy. That being said, the road to recovery is not a straight shot, but a winding, snaking path with many hills, dark tunnels, and points where a clear end may not be in sight. This is not only normal, but an expected part of the experience. While it’s important to validate the feelings that result, it’s just as important to remember that all parts of this road lead to a better relationship.

Infidelity Is Complex

“Rebuilding trust” is often something that comes up in people’s minds when addressing infidelity. While trust certainly must be rebuilt after an affair, infidelity is usually not as simple as one partner being untrustworthy. More often than not, cheating is a symptom of a more chronic, deep-seated issue that needs to be addressed, even if the couple doesn’t realize it at first. This could be a lack of communication, needs not being met, or any variety of other problems that occur between partners. Trust and transparency are both important, yes, but they are just pieces of the puzzle—a puzzle that will need to be solved by both partners, together.

If you can keep these things in mind as you approach couples therapy, your relationship will be able to more easily weather the trials ahead. One of the many reasons not to divorce after infidelity is that if a couple is able to take the necessary healing steps to move forward, they often emerge even closer and healthier as a partnership. Cheating, then, does not have to be the crushing blow to a relationship, but the shock that helped two individuals come together in a healing space, improving things in the long run. However, even if a couple decides to separate after infidelity, there are a number of therapeutic steps that can be taken to minimize and manage the PTSD, shame, and other damaging emotions that emerge. 

Now that we’ve covered basic guidelines, let’s talk more about the steps toward that healing space.

What Are the Steps for Healing Infidelity?

While every situation is different, there are some general guidelines to how recovery happens. So, how do therapists handle affairs? No matter the relationship, the first two steps to recovery are generally the same:

Typically, the first step is to let the person who was cheated on express their feelings. People who learn their partner was unfaithful will be experiencing a myriad of emotions—shock, unworthiness, sadness, anger, or even shame—and unpacking each of these feelings with a therapist’s help is important for both them and their partner. It will likely be difficult not just for that person to express these feelings, but also for their partner to hear them expressed. A therapist can really help couples process these complex emotions, as well as understand their partner’s emotions. 

Once feelings have been expressed, the next step is to address what was happening before the affair. Here is where we can begin to understand what the relationship was like, and what may have led to the infidelity. This, of course, is not to excuse cheating because of an unhealthy relationship dynamic, nor is it to invalidate the feelings of the person who was unfaithful. In order to progress, both partners need to be able to examine what was happening in their relationship, and be fully honest about how they’ve arrived at this point. Here, a therapist can mediate that process by ensuring both partners’ feelings are validated and by maintaining healthy communication patterns.

Both of these processes can take some time to fully get through, and as stated above, they may need to be revisited several times, but it’s important to see them through each time. After these two steps, the healing journeys diverge greatly depending on the relationship. No matter what comes next, though, if you’re able to stay transparent, listen to your partner, and examine some hard truths about your relationship, the outcome will most certainly be worth the effort.

If you’re ready to put forth that effort, Well Marriage Center is here to help you. The recovery process for infidelity is tough, but with the right guidance, your relationship can not only survive, but be stronger than ever. Don’t give up hope for a brighter future. Schedule an appointment with us today.



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