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Can a Marriage Survive Lack of Communication?

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Are you struggling to have conversations with your partner? Even with the small things, it can feel pretty overwhelming and lonely when there is no communication in a relationship. The fact is, relationship communication helps build a foundation for you and your partner to succeed together. 

While there are several solutions to the lack of communication in marriage or relationship, it’s important to understand what causes these issues in the first place and how to move past them. Let’s look at how you can identify communication problems in your marriage and how to address them.

What Causes Lack of Communication in Marriage?

There are several reasons why communication can suffer in a relationship. Whether it’s using different types of communication in marriage, having different goals, or even stress, identifying the root of your communication issues is important. What are some of the common causes in detail?

  • Different communication styles can lead to misunderstandings when trying to talk about any concerns regarding your relationship. People communicate in four different ways: passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive, and assertive. If you are aggressive and loud, while your partner is passive and quiet, it can be difficult to connect on a deeper level. In fact, this can even increase conflict between you and your partner. You should take the time to understand both your and your partner’s communication styles, so you can adjust your approach accordingly. It’s also important to note that these styles develop in childhood, and can be difficult to change without a therapist.
  • Lack of emotional intimacy can lead to an emotional disconnection—which can compel a partner to stonewall or avoid conversations in general. Whether there is a fear of vulnerability or simply a difficulty finding quality time with your partner, when there is emotional detachment, it can be hard to have intimacy. You and your partner can address this by providing daily affirmations and compliments, engaging in physical intimacy, and spending intentional one-on-one time together.
  • Different expectations or goals in your relationship might make it hard to connect with your partner. If the problem is financial, family-driven, or caused by other factors, having different expectations can hurt your relationship. If you and your partner practice compassion and consider each other’s feelings and perspectives, you’ll find you can compromise. Ultimately, it’s clear that if you show respect, you’ll likely get respect in return. 
  • Stress can make it tedious for anyone to communicate effectively. Sometimes outside influences, like work or an illness in the family, can be the problem. But it’s also important to recognize that arguments and neglect, even lack of sleep, can increase stress in a relationship. Make sure you and your partner are there for each other—ask how you can help and listen to their needs. Work together on reducing stressors in both your lives, and within the relationship as well.
  • Lack of trust or security affects how you and your partner communicate. Without trust, it can be difficult to be open and honest with one another. If you both can acknowledge concerns that lead to lowered trust, as well as make each other feel secure, you’ll find that your trust can be rebuilt. Once this line of communication is reopened, it will be easier to vocalize your feelings and concerns.
  • Physical or mental health issues are an unfortunate part of living and they can take a toll on partners. On one hand, a partner struggling with these ailments can have a difficult time connecting with the other. On the other hand, a partner helping take care of the person struggling can find it to be incredibly overwhelming. Setting boundaries and creating a wellness plan are a few ways to help alleviate some of the stressors regarding health issues.

 

While there can be several reasons for the lack of communication in a relationship, in the end, it is important that you’re able to voice your concerns with your partner. Whether that’s with the help of a licensed therapist or through exercises at home, you’ll discover a deeper understanding of your partner and issues that lead to poor communication. At Well Marriage Center, you’ll find help restoring your relationship while addressing any concerns you may have as a couple. Even deep-seated problems can be turned around by focusing on your strengths as a couple. 

How Many Marriages Fail Because of Lack of Communication?

The American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers (AAML) found that 67.5% of unsuccessful marriages were the result of poor communication or a lack of communication skills. It can be argued that this is because lasting connections are built and maintained using effective communication. Unfortunately, misunderstandings and dissatisfaction can develop when there’s a breakdown in communication between partners. Those issues can also lead to feelings of detachment and discontent.

However, it’s crucial to keep in mind that unresolved issues, like lack of trust or disagreements, are frequently connected to communication problems in relationships. That’s to say, poor communication isn’t the source of the problem, but rather a byproduct of something deeper. Fortunately, it’s more than possible for couples to address any underlying challenges and concentrate on strengthening their communication. That’s where Well Marriage Center comes in. We can help you address any unresolved issues that you’re facing as a couple by focusing on what you’re doing right to boost your confidence and rekindle the flame. 

How Can We Solve Poor Communication in Marriage?

If you’re looking for ways to improve communication in marriage, speaking with a licensed marriage counselor is a step in the right direction. At Well Marriage Center, we specialize in strength-based therapy, which focuses on identifying and building upon your strengths as a couple. We believe that by highlighting the positive aspects of your relationship, we can help you overcome communication barriers and create a stronger, more fulfilling marriage. 

Don’t let poor communication stop you and your partner from trying to connect. If you feel like your relationship has hit a roadblock and communication has become burdensome, set up an appointment today with our intake coordinator, Melinda.

 

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Why Do Men Struggle to Communicate?

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Have you ever found yourself wondering why your husband or boyfriend can’t communicate well? Odds are that you have, and that’s completely normal. The fact is that communication is hard for people of all genders. This is especially true in romantic relationships where emotional vulnerability and communication are intertwined with jobs, kids, illness, and the everyday stressors of life.

And while everyone sometimes struggles with relationship communication, stereotypes tell us that men—more than anyone else—have difficulty expressing themselves. Is there any truth to these stereotypes? If so, why do men find it difficult to communicate? And perhaps most importantly, is there a solution to lack of communication in a marriage or relationship—regardless of who is struggling? We explore these questions below.

Why Do Men Struggle to Talk About Their Feelings?

Some men do find it difficult to talk openly about how they feel; while the reasons why are vast and complex, alexithymia and gender norms around masculinity may play a role. 

  • Alexithymia is the term used to describe those individuals who find it challenging to understand, process, and share their feelings and emotions. And while anyone can deal with this, it is more common among men. In fact, the term normative male alexithymia is a specific subclass of alexithymia where boys and men have difficulty expressing emotion—largely because of societal expectations.
  • Gender norms and cultural expectations around masculinity may also play a role in why some men struggle to communicate. Especially in the United States and in other western European countries, women are often expected to show a greater range of emotions than men. Meanwhile, male emotional suppression is a relatively common cultural norm. 

With that said, anyone—of any gender—may find it difficult to communicate and express themselves for any number of reasons. Whether you’re working through communication difficulties on your own or with the help of a licensed couples therapist, it’s typically more helpful to get to the root cause of the issue rather than jumping to stereotypes about male vs female communication in relationships. In the rest of this article, we’ll explore themes around why anyone may struggle with relationship communication and what to do about it.

What Causes Lack of Communication in a Relationship?

There are several reasons why communication breaks down in a relationship, and some of the most common include stress, poor listening skills, unhealthy communication patterns, and a lack of trust or intimacy.

  • Life Stressors: Sometimes, a lack of communication or poor communication is attributed to stress. If you and your partner are busy with work, kids, and other emotionally-draining responsibilities, it becomes easy to de-prioritize communication. 
  • Poor Listening Skills: If you or your partner doesn’t feel validated and heard, it may result in misunderstanding or frustration. These issues can cause communication to break down.
  • Unhealthy Communication: Damaging kinds of communication, like criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling may cause you or your partner to become hesitant to communicate.
  • Lack of Trust or Intimacy: Trust, intimacy, vulnerability, and transparency are hallmarks of a good relationship. When one or more of these disappears, communication may become strained.

Fortunately, it’s more than possible to improve you and your partner’s communication. With dedication and the right strategies, your relationship can flourish and become stronger than ever.

What to Do When You Can’t Communicate With Your Partner

When you’re struggling to communicate in your relationship, it’s critical to recognize the issues that you and your partner are facing so you can intentionally work toward improvement. The following tips and strategies can help you on your journey toward healthy, open communication with one another.

  • Be Honest and Vulnerable: These are some of the most important aspects of a relationship. When you and your partner communicate, practice honesty and vulnerability. Not only does this enable you both to better understand the struggles and concerns you’re facing, but it builds trust and intimacy. 
  • Practice Active Listening: As you’re communicating with your partner, practice active listening. Make a dedicated effort to truly hear what they are saying. Avoid interrupting them or thinking through your responses as they speak. Simply listen in the moment. Some couples find reflective listening useful, which is when you repeat what your partner has said back to them, in your own words. 
  • Set Clear Boundaries and Expectations: What do you expect of your partner, and what boundaries are important to each of you? You can discuss overall expectations and boundaries in your relationship as well as those that are specific to communication. Communicating clearly and honestly about these can help avoid frustration and misunderstandings, especially during tense discussions.
  • Check In With Each Other: While scheduling a check-in may seem silly, setting aside time to see how the other person is doing, identify any concerns, and just talk about your relationship is important. This process allows you to dedicate time toward growing your partnership, and it can reduce the possibility of built-up tension or resentment.
  • Attend Couples Therapy: We all need help sometimes, and even the strongest relationships benefit from talking to a professional. At Well Marriage Center, our licensed therapists are experts in relationship communication. They work with couples to identify communication blockers and healthy ways to move forward.

Well Marriage Center: Building Bridges to Better Communication

Relationships are hard work, and when communication breaks down—for whatever reason—the path forward can feel rocky at best. But that’s where our counselors at Well Marriage Center can help. Our team practices a marriage-positive, strengths-based approach to counseling to help you and your partner create a path toward a healthier, more fulfilling relationship.

At Well Marriage Center, we offer in-person and virtual counseling for couples looking to improve their communication and rejuvenate their relationship. Reach out today to get started.

 

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Solution to Lack of Communication in Marriage

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From lack of listening to accusatory statements, resolving relationship communication issues is essential for couples to respect one another. Many couples list communication as a major problem when tension builds in their relationship and it’s easy to see how it can feel like the most prominent issue. But how can you address communication problems head-on? 

Let’s take a look: 

  • How to fix communication in a relationship in 10 steps
  • Signs of poor communication in marriage
  • Reasons for lack of communication in a relationship

It’s also important to note that, even though people often think the main problem is communication, it is typically not the most significant issue. There are usually deeper issues at play that show up through how we interact with our partners. Well Marriage Center can help you fix both communication and any other pressing underlying issues you might be experiencing. Let’s dive into solutions for poor communication.

How Do You Fix Lack of Communication in a Relationship?

Poor communication is a problem many couples face, but you can actively work to improve in many ways, including actively listening, being open and honest, and creating goals together. While finding a solution to communication problems in your marriage or relationship can be a challenge, there are a few things you can do to address the issues. And if you’re looking for advice on lack of communication in a relationship, we have a few steps you can take to start mending your relationship and communication errors:

1. Recognize Poor Communication

Pinpointing the areas in which you and your partner need better communication can be difficult. There’s usually a reason why couples struggle and it’s important to know exactly where and how you’re failing to communicate. However, it’s important to understand that passive aggressive behavior, ignoring your partner’s perspective, having cyclical arguments, and blaming one another for are all indicators of poor communication. Once you recognize that you’re struggling to communicate, you’ll be able to take steps to have a stronger connection with your partner. 

2. Find Similarities

You and your partner are a team, not rivals. If you’re struggling to communicate, it can be beneficial to ground your relationship in things where you share common perspectives. It’s okay if you disagree occasionally, but finding similarities in how you approach conversations and what those conversations are about is an important step in fixing communication issues. You might consider questions like:

  • What things are most important to you as a couple? 
  • What is the best way to approach a problem? 
  • What solutions do you agree work? 
  • How can you approach things you disagree on in a productive way?  

3. Be Open and Honest

It’s not easy being vulnerable with people, but that shouldn’t be the case with your partner. Having a safe space where you can be open and honest about any concerns is essential for a supportive and strong relationship. Honesty is the bedrock of successful relationships, and if you don’t feel safe sharing your honest perspective, it will be difficult to feel secure in your partnership. Of course, it’s not a one way street. You should also be taking steps to make your partner feel comfortable as well. 

4. Actively Listen

Having a conversation isn’t always about talking about your own feelings and perspectives. You also need to learn to actively listen to your partner. According to Psychology Today, “Active listening is about making a conscious decision to hear what people are saying. It’s about being completely focused on others—their words and their messages—without being distracted.” That means listening to understand rather than to respond. If you’re only waiting to hear where you can interject, you’re not listening to what they’re saying. Formulating your response while they’re talking leads to trouble communicating in the future, as they might not want to be vulnerable if you’re not listening.

5. Set Clear Boundaries

Sometimes, one partner can cross boundaries and they might not even know it. It’s important for couples to set clear boundaries when they’re trying to communicate better, because it provides a line in the sand that you should not cross. If a boundary for your partner is time between a frustrating or tense situation, it’s best to give them space to work through their emotions before you start a conversation. Once you cross a partner’s boundaries, it can lead to more built up tensions, resentment, and even silence between each other. Boundaries need to be respected by both partners to ensure more effective communication.

6. Create Goals and Compromise

It’s always better to set goals for you to strive for as a couple. How do you handle money? What does your partner need to feel safe? Do you feel comfortable giving something up to help your partner feel comfortable? Once you both have goals in mind, you might have to compromise a bit to get what you both need, but ultimately it will give you something to work toward. This helps you approach any conflicts as a team and sets a baseline for what is expected.

7. Use “I” Statements

When you’re in the heat of the moment, it can be easy to use accusatory statements like “You never talk to me when you’re with your friends!” The best way to approach conversations with a partner is to use “I” statements. In this instance, try saying “I feel worried when you don’t text me that you’re safe when you’re out with your friends.” Phrasing your concerns this way frames your feelings as the focal point, rather than telling your partner what you think they’re doing wrong. 

8. Be Present

Being present during communication with your partner means you need to be in the moment while having conversations, rather than having your mind on other things. Without being present, it is easy to gloss over important issues or information that could help you and your partner work together through an issue. This doesn’t mean you listen to respond, but actively listening is a large part of being present during conversations. You should know your partner’s concerns and how they would like things to change and respond with meaningful solutions or questions.

9. Choose the Right Time

Not every time is the right time to bring up an issue with your partner. Even if you’ve had an argument recently, sometimes people need space to think about how to approach a conversation. It’s also not beneficial to start difficult conversations in public settings or around other people. Choosing the right time means starting the conversation when it is best for both parties, even if that means waiting for longer than you’d like. 

10. Check In Regularly

It can be beneficial for some couples to check in—or do a temperature check—to see how the other person is feeling, address any concerns, and discuss any solutions if needed. Giving your partner the time and space in regular intervals to speak with you is important to stop any anger or resentment from building up.

While there are several ways to improve communication in a relationship, it’s important to take the first step into healing, which can start with couples therapy. With a marriage counselor, like those at Well Marriage Center, you can focus on not only the misunderstandings you might have with your partner, but also the underlying causes of your communication problems. With a focus on amplifying your strengths as a couple, you can rebuild your relationship on a solid foundation.

What Is Normal Communication in a Relationship?

Because every couple is different, there is no “normal” communication. But all communication should be respectful, open and honest, and considerate of both partners. Without giving both people the opportunity to speak their perspective, it becomes a one-sided conversation, which won’t resolve any problems. Not only that, but you should both be able to say how you feel without the other person feeling unsafe or unheard. 

But how can you tell when you and your partner are having communication problems? 

What Are Signs of Bad Communication in a Marriage?

Bad communication can show itself in many forms, like passive aggressiveness, ignoring and stonewalling, and rehashing arguments. Because everyone communicates in a different way, it’s not always easy to be on the same page with your spouse. But poor communication in a relationship can have serious repercussions. Couples that don’t use effective communication techniques may suffer with intimacy, disagreements, and relationship growth. You might notice that you’re gradually drifting apart from your partner when you have problems connecting with one another through communication.

It’s important to identify the areas that need improvement before you start to work on your communications skills. So what are signs of bad communication in a relationship you and your spouse should look out for?

1. Displaying Passive Aggressive Behavior

If one person in a relationship continuously displays passive aggressive behavior, you might find it difficult to have direct and open communication. When someone is passive aggressive, they have a tendency to express negative emotions indirectly rather than clearly—like saying, “No, I’m fine,” instead of communicating their concerns or needs. According to the Mayo Clinic, when someone responds this way, it can lead to resentment of each other and opposition to expectations. It’s also stated that passive aggression leads to “resistance to cooperation, procrastination and intentional mistakes in response to others’ demands.” When a partner is passive aggressive, it can greatly halt communication and take significant time to overcome problems.

2. Ignoring Your Partner’s Perspective

If you or your partner do not listen to each other’s perspective during a heated discussion, it’s difficult to take their feelings into consideration. How does it make them feel? What solution do they think is best? How can you make them feel more comfortable? No one is always right, but understanding how your partner views the situation or problem is essential to finding a solution. The Gottman Institute emphasizes that you and your partner are on the same team and both of your feelings are valid. Once you consider their perspective, you can begin to bridge the gap. 

3. Rehashing Arguments

When things don’t change, it can feel like you and your partner are recycling the same argument over and over. Unfortunately, it’s been shown that 69% of conflicts aren’t resolved between couples experiencing disagreements. While it’s possible the issue stems from “fundamental differences in your personalities that repeatedly create conflict or fundamental differences in your lifestyle needs,” these cyclical arguments can indicate that couples have difficulty implementing solutions. If you’re rehashing arguments, it’s important to stop and listen to one another and come up with a solution that is beneficial to both parties.

4. Blaming and Deflecting Responsibility

Blaming a partner for issues in your relationship can get overwhelming fairly quickly. While it’s not helpful to say, “It’s your fault,” it might be difficult to let go of resentment against your partner. Blaming can also lead to triggering your partner, introducing unrealistic expectations, and highlighting emotional immaturity. In most situations, both partners contribute to a problem. It’s important to recognize your part in the issue and not just what you think your partner has done. Not only is it important to have an open dialogue, but you both should feel safe with each other, as partners and in conversations. If you or your partner don’t feel safe, then communication can quickly become you vs. them. 

5. Stonewalling Conversations

Communication isn’t successful if there’s no conversation to begin with. If you or your partner ignore the other person when an issue arises, it can prevent necessary discussions from happening. While some couples might have concerns about conversation dwindling over time, it’s always important to talk about any concerns or issues that arise. 

Of course these aren’t the only signals of bad communication between partners. If someone brings up past mistakes unrelated to the issue, starts yelling, or uses sarcasm, you might also find communication is difficult. At Well Marriage Center, we know that communication is an important concern couples have. But communication doesn’t have to be the root of the problem. In fact, more often than not there’s a deeper issue that needs to be addressed but can’t because of bad communication. Working with a licensed marriage counselor can help you identify and confront these issues with guidance in a safe space.

What Causes Lack of Communication in Marriage?

Communication can break down due to many issues, but typically it happens when partners have differing communication styles and expectations. Here are a few potential causes of poor communication between couples:

  • Having little one-on-one time to talk and listen
  • Lying frequently when questioned about problems
  • Avoiding discussion because attempts to communicate often result in confrontations
  • Lacking intimacy between partners emotionally and physically
  • Refusing to consider a partner’s perspective
  • Having unrealistic expectations of a partner’s ability to talk about issues

Unfortunately, the effects of lack of communication in a relationship can take a toll on you and your partner. You might be left unable to speak with your partner about anything, because you’re experiencing some of the lack of communication skills. At Well Marriage Center, you can focus on what’s most important to fix your communication and other significant issues that you face as a couple. 

How Does Lack of Communication Affect Marriage?

Being unable to communicate can lead to a poor and potentially damaged relationship. Being able to discuss and resolve issues in a healthy way is essential to maintaining a long-lasting and happy marriage or relationship. Of course communication is rarely the main issue couples face; it can be a symptom of other underlying issues, like past traumas, lack of trust or, holding resentment. 

How Many Marriages Fail Because of Lack of Communication?

If you’re looking to answer, “Can a marriage survive lack of communication?” and “How many relationships fail because of communication?” A survey by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers (AAML) found that communication issues account for roughly 67.5 percent of marriage failures. That means that most couples find their main issue is with communication and not something else, like infidelity. However, at Well Marriage Center, we’ve met with a lot of couples and find that communication isn’t always the root cause of the problems they’re facing. Communication is just one aspect of many that couples should address before considering divorce.

 

What Is the Best Solution to Lack of Communication in a Marriage? Quality, Professional Help.

If you think you need help with communication and other underlying problems, Well Marriage Center helps couples tackle their marital concerns head on. While communication might be what is most important when you start your sessions, you can quickly find that there are other issues you’re facing in your marriage. We would love to help you rebuild your relationship based on your strengths as a couple. If you’d like to set an appointment, reach out to our Intake Coordinator Melinda and she will help you get started on your healing journey.

 

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What Is Healthy Communication in a Marriage?

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If you’re looking for advice on relationship communication, you might also know some of the telltale signs of bad communication in a relationship: constant fights, lack of respect, or stonewalling. But what about the signs of healthy communication? With the importance of communication in marriage being so critical, it’s valuable to know when you and your partner are doing things right—or when you might need a little work. So what is effective communication in marriage? Let’s look at good examples of communication and some solutions, like marriage counseling, that might help it get even better. 

What Are the Qualities of Good Communication in Marriage?

Good communication in a marriage can look different for every couple, but ultimately it comes down to being respectful of your partner and being clear about your own feelings and needs. However, there are some signs of effective communication in a marriage you should always look for in your relationship.

  1. Listen to your partner when they’re speaking—and don’t interrupt! It can be easy to listen to respond, rather than listen to understand. But when you take the time to hear what your partner is saying, you can give them the space they need to clearly explain their wants, needs, and concerns.

    Tip: You can show your partner you’re actively listening by maintaining eye contact and nodding your head rather than being distracted by technology or a wandering mind. Alternatively, you can repeat their point back in your own words to show you understand and create a moment to clarify any misunderstandings.
  2. Think before you speak, even in moments of frustration or hurt. It can be easy to say the wrong thing if you respond reactively. However, it’s important to take a step back and think about what you want to say and how you want to say it. Remember, after you say something you can’t take it back. If you say something hurtful, it can be hard to redeem yourself. You should express your negative feelings in a constructive way.

    Tip: Communicate with your partner about how you’re feeling during tense conversations. Avoid attacks or malicious responses.
  3. Talk about small things—good or bad! It’s important to have conversations about your day, what’s new and exciting, or what’s got you down (and not always the big-picture stuff). Nobody wants to talk about serious topics all of the time. In fact, talking about fun things is fun in its own right! Having these conversations can help reaffirm your connection with one another.

    Tip: Asking about your partner’s day is a great way to show them you care.
  4. Be aware of body language and non-verbal cues. Understanding both your and your partner’s body language can help you adjust the way you approach a conversation. How are you and your partner showing your emotions? Are you guarded with your arms crossed? Or are you leaning in and listening to your partner attentively?

    Tip: Make sure you take your partner’s non-verbal cues into consideration when having a conversation.
  5. Express gratitude on a regular basis. It always feels nice to know you’re loved and appreciated by your partner. By communicating your gratitude regularly, you can give your partner confidence and security in your relationship. Not only that, but it will help you both focus on the good things about your marriage and strengthen your connection.

    Tip: Tell your partner one thing you appreciate or admire about them every day.

Of course, there are several more qualities of effective communication in a relationship. It’s all about giving each other the space you need to feel comfortable expressing your feelings. It’s okay if you and your spouse don’t always understand each other—sometimes things get in the way. However, poor communication can be a sign of a deeper issue, but there are ways to help you navigate the root of the problem. For example, marriage counseling at Well Marriage Center can help you refocus your marriage on your strengths, rather than what’s holding you back.

What Is the Importance of Communication in a Marriage?

Effective communication enables couples to establish trust, resolve conflicts, share their needs, and forge a deep emotional connection. With open and honest communication, you and your partner can gain a greater understanding of one another, which means greater trust and intimacy. You can also feel more connected to your partner by expressing your thoughts, feelings, and experiences in a safe and encouraging environment. 

Conflict resolution is also an important skill for marriage. Of course, arguments are bound to happen in every relationship and they can even be healthy, but good communication can help you and your spouse reach respectful and constructive outcomes. This includes clarifying expectations with your partner to avoid misunderstandings. By communicating in the most straightforward way possible, partners may steer clear of assumptions that would otherwise cause arguments and uncertainty.

Overall, if you and your partner prioritize communication, you can establish a lasting and rewarding connection that can last a lifetime. But making communication a priority also comes with exploring the possibility of more in-depth relationship concerns, like lack of intimacy or conflicting approaches to finances. You can address those concerns by reaching out to professionals like us at Well Marriage Center. You and your partner can dig into the problems you’re facing by focusing on what’s working in your relationship. Building a solid foundation on your strengths gives you a well rounded perspective on how you communicate with your partner.

What Is One Way to Create Healthy Communication in a Marriage?

If you feel like you’re having difficulty communicating in a healthy way with your partner, or just want to make a good marriage stronger, it might be time to consider a solution like marriage counseling. Attending couples therapy doesn’t mean your marriage is unsuccessful—or that you’re alone. In fact, about 50% of couples try counseling at some point in their marriage. 

If you’re looking to rejuvenate your marriage, Well Marriage Center provides a strengths-based approach to counseling. Instead of focusing on the negative aspects of your marriage—and communication—we help you restore your relationship based on your successes. You’ll also get marriage communication tools to help strengthen your connection. If you’d like to deepen your relationship, connect with our intake coordinator, Melinda, and get started on your counseling journey!

 

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Signs of Bad Communication in a Relationship (And What To Do About It)

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Communication is often listed as the most important piece of any relationship, romantic or otherwise. Another less-known (and less-fortunate) truth is that while communicating is easy, communicating well is hard. Everyone learns to communicate—or not communicate—differently, much of which happens in our developmental years. And while our individual means of communication may seem natural to us, they aren’t always natural to others, and vice versa.

This, among other reasons, is why communication is maybe the most challenging part of a romantic partnership. Poor communication is often the root of many relationship issues, and can oftentimes go unnoticed until it boils into a larger problem. If you found yourself reading this, you’re likely dealing with communication problems in your relationship. You may be asking yourself questions like:

  • Why do I struggle to communicate with my partner?
  • Why does it feel like my partner and I are speaking different languages?
  • Why won’t my partner openly communicate with me?
  • Is it true that lack of communication in a marriage leads to divorce?

While this can be a painful experience, the good news is that you’re not alone. The even better news is that with a little intention, a bit of teamwork, and some help from a professional, you can drastically improve your communication skills as a couple. And Well Marriage Center is here to help you take those first steps. Below, we’ll cover some common communication pitfalls, what good communication looks like, and some steps you can take alongside your partner (and a therapist) toward a better partnership.

Is Lack of Communication a Reason to Break Up?

It doesn’t have to be! If you and your partner are willing to make changes together, communication patterns can be improved. Usually, when there is no communication in a relationship, it’s a sign that either one or both partners’ needs aren’t being met, feelings aren’t being expressed, or a partner isn’t feeling listened to. These are all things you can work on. And with the help of a therapist, it becomes much easier. Having the outside perspective of a therapist also helps to identify some negative patterns couples often face when communicating.

What Does Toxic Communication Look Like?

If you and your partner are struggling with communication, you’ll likely see one or more of the “Four Horsemen” in your relationship. Discovered by expert John Gottman, these four toxic communication patterns, if allowed to persist, prove very detrimental to a partnership:

 

  • Criticism | Verbally attacking someone on a personal level, rather than addressing the real issue
  • Contempt | Intentional, sometimes passive-aggressive, expressions of disrespect
  • Defensiveness | Avoiding responsibility for a problem or listening, usually by “playing the victim”
  • Stonewalling | Complete withdrawal from the relationship, effectively stopping communications

 

While the presence of all Four Horsemen at once is a high predictor of separation, having one pop up in your relationship does not doom your chances. Many times, people that communicate in these ways don’t realize they’re doing it, or may not even have control of it. Therapists like those at Well Marriage commonly deal with these patterns in couples, and will help identify solutions tailored to the couple’s unique situation. Let’s look at each of the Four Horsemen in detail, including some unhealthy ways to communicate during a disagreement—and healthier alternatives for them.

The First Horseman: Criticism

It’s completely normal to get frustrated, or even angry with things your partner does. Maybe you can’t stand how they load the dishwasher, or maybe they forget it’s your birthday. While it’s healthy to express frustration, it’s problematic when that frustration is directed at the person, rather than the behavior. If criticism does not address the actual issue, the criticized partner can feel blindsided, leading them to Defensiveness (the Third Horseman).

When a partner is angry about something their lover has done (or not done), it’s important to focus on expressing feelings rather than attacking. You do this by mainly using “I” statements, as opposed to “you” statements. When we criticize, we are projecting a meaning onto our partner’s actions or inactions, and that meaning is usually more of a reflection on us than our partner. As an example, let’s say someone feels they’re not getting enough help from their partner with household chores:

  • Instead of: “You never help me clean up around here; you’re so lazy and selfish!”
  • Try: “I get really frustrated when you don’t help me clean up the house.”

The Second Horseman: Contempt

Usually caused by long-term, simmering negative emotions, contempt is a driver for active mistreatment of a partner. If you find yourself feeling superior to your partner or “better than” them, contempt is typically the root cause. This can come out as verbal abuse, dismissing their feelings, or mocking them in a passive-aggressive way. Contempt is the single greatest predictor of a breakup, but like all the other horsemen, it can be solved. 

Doing away with contempt requires an intentional, consistent environment of gratitude and respect. That means not only appreciating the great things about your partner when things are going well, but acknowledging what they contribute when you are frustrated with them as well. Oftentimes, contempt is a long-standing pattern that will take time to unravel—something therapists are expertly equipped to handle. Let’s refer back to the household chores example again, but with a solution for contemptuous behavior:

  • Instead of: “Oh, it’s fine—I’ll clean the house again, alone, like I always do. Thanks a lot.” *scoffs*
  • Try: “I know you’ve been really busy lately, but could you please help me today? I’d really appreciate it.”

The Third Horseman: Defensiveness

While this Horseman showing up is often in response to the First Horseman (Criticism), some people are just naturally defensive—usually because of some past trauma they’ve experienced. It’s normal to want to defend yourself when you feel attacked, but the problem is that sometimes, people can feel attacked when a partner is simply trying to express themselves. In this case, defensiveness is, for lack of a better term, a defense mechanism against accepting responsibility or listening to a partner communicate.

A relationship where your guard is always up doesn’t allow for vulnerability, connection, or intimacy. On top of that, being defensive is really just a roundabout way of placing blame back on the other partner. Whenever you’re feeling defensive, it’s always a good idea to check in and see where it’s coming from. Sometimes, it’s absolutely warranted, like if you’re being unjustly accused of something. In many cases, however, a little more empathy and listening will help you lower your guard with your partner. It also usually means accepting responsibility for at least part of the current problem.

Let’s say, in that household chores example, you’re now the partner who hasn’t been helping out. Your partner approaches you one night and says “Hey, I’d really like your help cleaning the kitchen next time. I get really frustrated when I feel like I’ve got to do this alone.”

  • Instead of: “You act as if I never help with anything! I have a job too, you know.”
  • Try: “I’m sorry I didn’t help you. I had a long day at work and just crashed. I’ll help out next time.”

The Fourth Horseman: Stonewalling

The fourth and final Horseman, stonewalling is arguably the most damaging behavior to engage in. When we stonewall, we completely seal ourselves off from our partner—physically, emotionally, and mentally—thus abandoning all attempts to solve the issue at hand. The effects of lack of communication in a relationship are profoundly negative, especially over long periods of time. The effects can leave the other person with lingering self-doubt, isolation, and depression. Thankfully, this behavior isn’t something that is just going to pop up without warning; it typically takes prolonged periods of exposure to the other three Horsemen before stonewalling occurs.

It’s important to be aware of when you are feeling emotionally overwhelmed. Oftentimes, you can stop a shutdown before it happens by pausing an argument and taking some time to self-soothe. Some topics can be difficult for couples to have rational conversations about, and it’s not always the best idea to press the issue in the moment.

Let’s say the household chores disagreement turns into a heated argument about bandwidth. If you feel like you’re at your emotional limit:

  • Instead of: Shutting down, exploding in a rage, ignoring your partner, or storming out…
  • Say: “Could we take a break and talk about this a little later, please? I’m feeling overwhelmed.”

While the above suggestions can provide a roadmap for the Four Horsemen, fixing communication patterns does not happen overnight, even with genuine effort and intention. To complicate matters even further, there are more than just the Four Horsemen when it comes to communication patterns. A skilled therapist will be knowledgeable about all of the communication pitfalls and able to tailor solutions to your unique situation. 

Truly changing how we communicate takes time, and usually an outside perspective to help maintain objectivity as the relationship improves. This is just one of the many reasons having a therapist by your side can make this so much easier; they can help you navigate these communication patterns and more easily fix problems as they arise.

What Causes Poor Communication in a Relationship?

Each relationship is unique, so the causes for communication issues vary widely. Here are a few common culprits:

  • Unmet Needs | More often than not, this is the primary cause of communication breakdowns: a need that is not being fulfilled for one or both partners. These may be needs that the partner themselves has not expressed, perhaps because they don’t even know what they’re longing for. A healthy relationship requires each individual to be aware of what they require in a relationship; after all, how can you ask for what you want if you don’t even know what that is? Some common examples of unmet needs are a lack of quality time, lack of vulnerability between partners, and feelings of insecurity or jealousy.


  • Past Traumas | Therapists will often speak ad-nauseam about how “everything goes back to your childhood,” but that’s because there is a lot of truth in that statement—particularly when talking about communication. As children, we adapt to the patterns around us that best meet our needs for survival, and those patterns aren’t always healthy to carry into adulthood. This is not to place blame on ourselves or even our parents, but it’s our responsibility as healthy romantic partners to understand how our upbringing has shaped us. Perhaps your partner communicates in a way that an abusive parent communicated to you as a child, but they don’t realize it. If you don’t realize the problem either, it becomes a lot harder to pinpoint, much less solve.


  • External Stressors | Like the saying goes, “life happens.” Any number of unexpected events can add a huge amount of stress to our lives, which inevitably affects how we relate to others. That stress doesn’t always have to be negative events, either; positive life events like a new job or even a wedding can add abnormal amounts of stress. In these times, it’s more important than ever to be mindful in establishing good communication patterns.


  • Unhealthy Communication Styles | As we discussed earlier, there are many unhealthy ways to communicate that damage future efforts to share between partners. Contemptuous behavior, disregarding feelings, or bottling up problems until they explode are just a few ways that partners damage their relationships. To reiterate, having these issues does not mean the relationship can’t be saved; it just means there is a need for more intentional communication, and likely the help of an experienced professional. 

What Is Good Communication Between Couples?

Since each relationship is different, “good” communication will look different for each couple. That said, here are a few general guidelines you can apply, all of which a therapist can give you tools for:

  • Be aware of your own needs, feelings, and shortcomings in communication—we all have them!
  • Talk about things through a lens of how they make you feel.
  • When frustrated with your partner, focus on their behavior—not their character.
  • Listen to your partner, even when you don’t agree with them. There can be two valid viewpoints to any situation.

Well Marriage Center: Communication Is (Your) Key

If you’re wondering how to communicate better with your spouse or romantic partner, Well Marriage Center is here to help. Our therapists are experts in developing positive communication patterns for couples and can give you a variety of ways to improve communication in a relationship. We truly believe that any partnership can be improved, if both partners are willing to work together. No matter where you are in your relationship or what patterns you are seeing, no problem is too big to be solved.

Reach out to us anytime and schedule an appointment. We’ll be here when you’re ready.

 

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How Does Couples Therapy Improve Communication?

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Strong relationship communication is one of the most valuable and desirable traits that couples seek in their marriage. There’s a wealth of information regarding couples therapy communication questions and how to apply them to your marriage. However, does couples therapy actually work to fix communication issues? It can—if both parties are willing to put in the work. With that in mind, let’s talk about improving communication skills and what to do when you can’t communicate with your partner. We’ll also answer questions like, “How do you fill the communication gap between couples?” 

Can Couples Therapy Help with Communication?

Yes! The good news is couples therapy can help you and your partner work through any communication issues you may be facing in your relationship. In fact, learning how to communicate successfully with one another is one of the main goals of couples counseling. Poor communication is usually the crux of many relationship issues since it can cause misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and even anxiety. That’s why strong communication is fundamental to the success of a marriage! 

Of course, every couple faces different challenges, but what are some of the most common signs of bad communication in a relationship?

  • Listening to respond, rather than listening to understand
  • Responding reactively with your emotions rather than rationally
  • Raising your voice or yelling instead of talking in a calm voice
  • Showing negative non-verbal communication like facial expressions and body language
  • Blaming your partner for anything that goes wrong
  • Not taking a break when things get heated
  • Withdrawing from hard conversations

Understanding how you communicate with your spouse is essential to clearly voice any concerns you may have. It’s also important to remain open and vulnerable with your partner, which can be more difficult if one of you is following the patterns listed above. But you might be surprised to learn that communication is not typically the underlying cause of relationship problems. Often communication suffers when there is a loss of trust, a different set of priorities, and a lack of intimacy—among other things. 

So if you’re wondering how to fix communication in a relationship, couples therapy can help. Licensed couples therapists, like those at Well Marriage Center, will help you focus on the root causes of your relationship problems and introduce healthy communication styles. During couples therapy, your therapist will be there to support you and your partner. They do this by encouraging you to be confident in your feelings, actively listen to each other, and feel empathy for one another. Your therapist will provide you and your partner with other strategies to communicate while also pointing out ineffective communication habits that might stem from deeper issues. 

In general, couples therapy can help you focus on what is causing the communication problems. We know diving into your feelings can be difficult to talk about. You want to feel safe to be open and honest. But couples counseling can help you and your spouse to improve your communication skills while also providing you with a secure place to talk about sensitive or difficult topics. Your therapist will encourage discussions, assist you in using clearer language, and make sure that both parties feel heard and understood. Ultimately, they give you the tools to bridge any gap, including poor communication.

How Do You Fill the Communication Gap Between Couples?

You can “fill the communication gap” between you and your spouse by making time to communicate using skills like active listening, being honest and direct, and acknowledging difficulties when working through problems. Typically, it’s best to find the cause of these issues, rather than blame it all on communication. Keep in mind that improving communication in a relationship is a continuous process that needs the dedication and effort of both parties. You can create a stronger, deeper, and more fulfilling connection by cooperating and applying efficient communication techniques.

How Can You Improve Communication in a Relationship?

The best way to improve communication with your partner is to invest time in each other, whether through communication exercises or couples therapy. Every couple faces difficulty communicating at some point in their relationship. That’s okay! There are a few communication therapy techniques you can work through with your couples therapist to help make communication between you and your partner better, such as:

  • Practice active listening and understand your partner’s perspective
  • Express your feelings clearly and honestly using “I” statements
  • Be empathetic towards your partner and their feelings
  • Be mindful of nonverbal communication and how your body language expresses your emotions
  • Avoid being defensive and listen to your partner’s concerns
  • Acknowledge your part in any issues you’re facing
  • Find a solution or compromise together

Speaking with a licensed therapist will help you navigate these communication techniques while helping you discover the root of the problem. Has your partner cheated? Are you financially irresponsible? Do you have different parenting styles? What childhood traumas are you each bringing to the table? Each of these concerns can lead to poor communication between you and your spouse. 

If you and your partner need to find your way back to one another, the therapists at Well Marriage Center can help you take a strengths-based approach to your marriage counseling. With the most experienced marriage counselors who have helped thousands of couples, you can find success in your relationship too. If you’d like to learn more, visit our website or set up an appointment with our intake coordinator, Melinda. 

 

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Can Marriage Be Saved After Infidelity?

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Yes, you can save your marriage after infidelity if both partners are committed to repairing the relationship.

Affair recovery takes serious work and transparency, but it is possible. And if you’re wondering, “Can therapy help with cheating?” The answer is, absolutely.

Our experienced counselors at Well Marriage Center have successfully guided many couples through the stages of healing after infidelity. A big part of what we do is help partners get to, and make a plan to fix, the root causes and dynamics that led to cheating. So much healing can happen when both sides reach a true understanding of the other, from why the offender cheated to an exploration of the victim’s hurt.

We’ve gathered the top six mistakes we see from both parties in affair recovery so that you can avoid these pitfalls yourself. Remember, it won’t be an easy process, but with the right attitudes and a lot of work, you two can make your marriage stronger than it’s ever been.

6 Common Marriage Reconciliation Mistakes to Avoid After Infidelity

People are more likely to make rash decisions when emotions are high after one partner discovers the other is being unfaithful. These high emotions can include anger and lashing out, humiliation, and decreased feelings of self-worth for both partners. When our feelings are going through such a roller coaster, it’s easy to fall into common, human mistakes that make the already traumatic situation worse long-term. Consider these six most common mistakes our counselors see from couples going through affair recovery: 

1. Pretending Everything Is Normal

Your relationship or marriage will never be the same after infidelity. This realization will probably hurt at first, but it’s also helpful to acknowledge. The betrayed partner is likely furious and devastated, and they may even feel some detachment after infidelity. They want to know how to stop overthinking after being cheated on and move forward with their life. The offender must consistently show they take responsibility for their actions in multiple ways. For example, they may need to increase communication about where they are and who they are with to show their partner that they will not be a repeat offender. 

2. Confronting the Affair Partner

Finding out your partner cheated on you usually results in an explosion of powerful emotions. Looking to direct those feelings somewhere, folks sometimes feel justified confronting the “other” person. In most cases, this confrontation will only make marriage reconciliation harder. You may learn things you’d prefer not to know or even encourage that person to pursue your spouse. There are some circumstances where a confrontation may be necessary, however. For example, a confrontation will likely be unavoidable if the victim regularly interacts with the affair partner.

3. Not Cutting off Contact With the Affair Partner

The offender must choose to cut off all contact with their affair partner. Note we said “choose.” The choice to officially leave their affair partner needs to be theirs alone. If they feel like they don’t want to stop contacting their affair partner, then they need to reconsider why they’re in a marriage to someone else in the first place. Offenders who are fully committed to cutting off the other person should discuss with their spouse how they plan to get this person out of their lives, like blocking them on their cell phone and social media.

4. Taking Revenge

We know you really want to dig your keys into the side of their pretty little souped-up four-wheel drive—but don’t do it, to your partner or the person they cheated with. Acts of revenge will only provide a short-lived feeling of satisfaction, and they do not contribute to healing after an affair (no matter what Ms. Carrie Underwood says). Revenge further deteriorates trust between partners and will likely add to feelings of shame and embarrassment.

5. Asking For Too Much or Too Little Information

The betrayed spouse needs to consider how much they want to know about the affair. Some information will only be painful to learn and hinder moving forward, like asking if the sex was “good.” However, you also don’t want a surprising, painful detail to come out about the affair years down the road. A good balance between these two is finding out how long the affair was going on. This question will reveal how serious your partner was about this person—was it a year-long affair with regular meetings, or was it a one-time mistake? The healing process will look different depending on your partner’s answer to this question. A counselor who specializes in affair recovery will be able to tailor your recovery journey based on this and other information.

6. Not Seeking Professional Therapy

Staying married after infidelity is not easy, but a marriage counselor with years of experience and education can make it much easier. They will guide you through the chaotic impact of infidelity on the betrayed spouse as well as the offender. 

Many couples suffering from an affair come to us at Well Marriage Center feeling hopeless. We get it, and if you feel this way, please know your feelings are entirely normal and valid. However, simply showing up to marriage counseling is a step in the right direction. 

Our counselors have helped couple after couple recover from infidelity by encouraging patience, honesty, care, and a willingness to make necessary changes. These results are the beauty of our strengths-based counseling approach, as we do everything we can to help you focus on the positives of your relationship and rebuild trust and love in a lasting way.

If you want to save your marriage through counseling after infidelity, schedule an appointment with us. Our intake coordinator, Melinda, can answer any questions you may have about our process. We look forward to meeting you and working together to restore the trust and love in your marriage.

 

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What To Expect in Couples Therapy After Infidelity

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If you’ve found this article, you’re likely in a difficult place with your romantic partner.

Infidelity can be a staggering blow to any relationship, and the resulting pain can make infidelity recovery seem all but impossible. Maybe you’ve recently discovered your partner has been unfaithful, or maybe you were the one who was unfaithful. You may be wondering, “Is recovery possible? Can therapy help with cheating? And is it even worth trying?”

We certainly think so. Every situation is different, but if both partners are willing to take that leap of faith together, the relationship already has a much better chance. While the road to recovery will undoubtedly be challenging, at Well Marriage Center we believe that it is a challenge worth facing, and thanks to couples therapy, you don’t have to face it alone.

Even if you’re ready to take that next step, infidelity therapy can be a scary thought. If that fear and uncertainty is something you find yourself feeling, we’re here to help. Let’s start with the basics of infidelity therapy, including common starting points for healing, goals for couples therapy after infidelity, and more. Before we get into what those steps are, let’s set some expectations about recovery that will help you keep perspective and maintain hope throughout the process.

How Do You Heal From Infidelity Trauma?

Ultimately, every relationship’s circumstances are different, so the exact road to recovery will vary for each couple. Regardless of what your starting point is, here are a few things to keep in mind as you embark on this journey together:

Honesty Is Key

Transparency after cheating is not only important, but critical. Couples whose partners are willing to open up about their mistakes leading up to an affair have a much higher chance of repairing things. While it will likely be painful to discuss not just the infidelity but the relationship as a whole, without a willingness to be transparent, recovery is effectively impossible.

The Healing Process Is Non-Linear

The feeling of “one step forward, two steps backward” is common in any kind of therapy, much less couples therapy. That being said, the road to recovery is not a straight shot, but a winding, snaking path with many hills, dark tunnels, and points where a clear end may not be in sight. This is not only normal, but an expected part of the experience. While it’s important to validate the feelings that result, it’s just as important to remember that all parts of this road lead to a better relationship.

Infidelity Is Complex

“Rebuilding trust” is often something that comes up in people’s minds when addressing infidelity. While trust certainly must be rebuilt after an affair, infidelity is usually not as simple as one partner being untrustworthy. More often than not, cheating is a symptom of a more chronic, deep-seated issue that needs to be addressed, even if the couple doesn’t realize it at first. This could be a lack of communication, needs not being met, or any variety of other problems that occur between partners. Trust and transparency are both important, yes, but they are just pieces of the puzzle—a puzzle that will need to be solved by both partners, together.

If you can keep these things in mind as you approach couples therapy, your relationship will be able to more easily weather the trials ahead. One of the many reasons not to divorce after infidelity is that if a couple is able to take the necessary healing steps to move forward, they often emerge even closer and healthier as a partnership. Cheating, then, does not have to be the crushing blow to a relationship, but the shock that helped two individuals come together in a healing space, improving things in the long run. However, even if a couple decides to separate after infidelity, there are a number of therapeutic steps that can be taken to minimize and manage the PTSD, shame, and other damaging emotions that emerge. 

Now that we’ve covered basic guidelines, let’s talk more about the steps toward that healing space.

What Are the Steps for Healing Infidelity?

While every situation is different, there are some general guidelines to how recovery happens. So, how do therapists handle affairs? No matter the relationship, the first two steps to recovery are generally the same:

Typically, the first step is to let the person who was cheated on express their feelings. People who learn their partner was unfaithful will be experiencing a myriad of emotions—shock, unworthiness, sadness, anger, or even shame—and unpacking each of these feelings with a therapist’s help is important for both them and their partner. It will likely be difficult not just for that person to express these feelings, but also for their partner to hear them expressed. A therapist can really help couples process these complex emotions, as well as understand their partner’s emotions. 

Once feelings have been expressed, the next step is to address what was happening before the affair. Here is where we can begin to understand what the relationship was like, and what may have led to the infidelity. This, of course, is not to excuse cheating because of an unhealthy relationship dynamic, nor is it to invalidate the feelings of the person who was unfaithful. In order to progress, both partners need to be able to examine what was happening in their relationship, and be fully honest about how they’ve arrived at this point. Here, a therapist can mediate that process by ensuring both partners’ feelings are validated and by maintaining healthy communication patterns.

Both of these processes can take some time to fully get through, and as stated above, they may need to be revisited several times, but it’s important to see them through each time. After these two steps, the healing journeys diverge greatly depending on the relationship. No matter what comes next, though, if you’re able to stay transparent, listen to your partner, and examine some hard truths about your relationship, the outcome will most certainly be worth the effort.

If you’re ready to put forth that effort, Well Marriage Center is here to help you. The recovery process for infidelity is tough, but with the right guidance, your relationship can not only survive, but be stronger than ever. Don’t give up hope for a brighter future. Schedule an appointment with us today.



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Is Marriage Counseling Worth It After Infidelity?

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Yes—it certainly is. If you’re wondering “Can therapy help with cheating, really?” we at Well Marriage Center are here to tell you that recovery is not only possible, but easier to start than you might think. We’re happy to share some things about how helpful marriage counseling can be for any partnership.

Overcoming infidelity can feel impossible—whether you’re the one who was cheated on or the one who was unfaithful. Marriage counseling gives couples a much better chance at affair recovery. If both partners are willing to approach the healing process together with transparency, vulnerability, and an open ear, there are very few things that cannot be worked through. While recovery will be a challenging endeavor, with the right therapist by your side, the process of healing infidelity wounds is more than possible. Let’s answer some common questions partners may have about infidelity, including:

  • What helps couples rebuild their relationship after infidelity?
  • How do therapists help couples heal their marriage?
  • Will my marriage ever be the same again?

How Can Couples Rebuild After Cheating?

Healing starts with each partner committing to repairing the relationship. A therapist can help with this commitment by providing a space where each person can explain what they need to feel heard, seen, and have their feelings validated throughout the process. While couples technically can work on their relationship without a therapist, having a relationship-friendly counselor provides a more objective, professional perspective from someone with a vast amount of experience.

Additionally, therapists provide exercises or frameworks to guide couples through their unique situations, all while creating a neutral space to discuss the marriage. The initial path to recovery is somewhat universal, but that will begin to diverge quickly as couples address the specifics of their partnership. A therapist uses their many techniques to approach infidelity recovery in a way that is just right for you and your partner.

*Even if a couple decides to separate after such a traumatic shock, therapy can help them overcome the long-term effects of infidelity as individuals.

How Do Therapists Handle Affairs?

Couples therapy after infidelity will generally start with two steps: allowing the partner who was cheated on to express their feelings, then examining what was going on before the cheating occurred.

During the first step, therapists provide space for the partner who was cheated on to openly express their emotions, often while their partner is listening. This step can be quite painful for both partners, which only underlines why having a counselor present is helpful. Feelings of betrayal, anger, sadness, and even embarrassment are all complex things to understand alone, or even with your partner. But with the outside perspective of a counselor, these feelings are easier to unpack and understand.

The second step involves looking at the relationship as a whole, prior to the cheating. Here, we begin to understand what patterns existed before and how each partner was perhaps not having their needs met in the marriage. Having a counselor present ensures that both sides have their feelings validated, and that even the person who cheated is able to express themselves. Then, a plan for recovery can form.

Each of those steps will have their own timeline, and each of them may require revisiting multiple times. The healing process is non-linear, but with commitment, there is a way to a better future. While the beginning process is essentially universal, the step-by-step stages of forgiving infidelity will look different for each partnership—and each partner.

Can a Relationship Go Back to Normal After Infidelity?

Yes and no. While moving forward is definitely possible, it’s important to know that your marriage will need to change, and in some ways, it already has. Cheating is a massive shock to a marriage, but this shock does not have to define the marriage forever. If anything, cheating can sometimes be the catalyst to a much deeper connection—one that is forged through undergoing an intentional healing process. 

Many couples who suffer from infidelity emerge with an even better relationship, but that requires leaving old ways behind. Remember, therapy is not about going back to the way things were—that’s what led the relationship to its current state. What you really want is to establish a new ‘normal’—a better ‘normal’ that encourages healthy communication, vulnerability, and addressing each partner’s needs. And with a therapist’s help, this new normal is entirely achievable.

Ready To Move Forward? Well Marriage Is Here

No matter how dark things seem, there is always hope for a brighter day. Well Marriage is here for you and your partner, and together we can build a road to that brighter day for your partnership. When you’re ready, reach out to Melinda and schedule an appointment. We’ll be here when you need us.

 

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Can Therapy Help with Cheating?

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There are plenty of compelling reasons not to divorce after infidelity and reasons not to separate in a broader sense. These can range from practical considerations (like quality of life and how divorcing or breaking up might impact any children) to equally legitimate, emotional-driven reasons (like each partner’s happiness). 

Ultimately, couples want to know: can a relationship work after cheating occurs? In short, yes. Affair recovery therapy provides a strengths-based framework to help both partners better understand and heal their emotional wounds, rebuild trust and intimacy, and develop strategies for getting the relationship back on track, all of which can be incredibly difficult due to the emotional rollercoaster that is the aftermath of an affair.

If you’re reading this, you probably have a lot of questions. Asking the right questions is the first step toward healing, so keep reading for answers to some of the questions we hear most often.

Will Infidelity Pain Ever Go Away?

When we talk about the pain of affairs, it’s important to remember that both parties are likely to be confused and hurt. An effective therapist will provide a safe environment for both to emote and express their truest feelings. That’s why affair recovery typically requires marriage counseling or couples therapy—not that there isn’t value in some components of individual therapy for infidelity recovery. Individuals who see a couples therapist once they’ve decided to break up can effectively manage the fallout of cheating in a much healthier way than those who don’t. 

For many, this will cause more than a little anxiety: for example, wondering what the other person is saying in any one-on-one time they might have with the therapist can be very unnerving. However, it’s crucial for those seeking affair recovery therapy to understand that they’re going to have to trust their therapist, who’s there to support both parties and work on the relationship. After all, they’ve almost certainly dealt with more cases of infidelity than you have, and have a whole arsenal of tools, techniques, and resources specially tailored to this type of recovery. At Well Marriage Center, our team leverages a strengths-based approach to help you navigate the rough waters of affair recovery.

How Do You Heal from Infidelity Trauma?

Once an affair has been revealed, it’s time for the understanding to begin so that healing can take place. An effective therapy plan for infidelity recovery tends to consist of two key stages:

  • Stage 1 is all about airing out and validating each partner’s emotions. This stage can be difficult, but it provides an absolutely vital foundation for infidelity recovery. Each party needs to feel their emotions and express their truths, fully and un-rushed, and both need to demonstrate commitment to processing what’s happened. This stage typically leads to a pair of outcomes—the person who cheated needs to atone, unconditionally, and both partners need to express a willingness to begin the healing process and work toward forgiveness. 
  • In Stage 2, a marriage therapist will help the couple to really explore what’s beneath the surface, like the different factors that may have contributed to the dynamic or led to the affair, many of which hide beneath the surface. For example, has one partner fallen out of love? Was one partner feeling neglected or unappreciated? Has the relationship lost the luster of its honeymoon phase, causing one or both partners to question it? (Occasionally one partner doesn’t outgrow the honeymoon phase when the other does.) This stage isn’t about assigning blame. Rather, it’s about getting all the puzzle pieces out on the table. A therapist will then help the couple to understand how they might be able to reassemble their puzzle and start rebuilding trust.

If you’re considering marriage counseling as a means to working through infidelity and rekindling the relationship, it is fully natural to feel a little hopeless. A therapist qualified to deal with infidelity recovery will anticipate a wide range of emotions, many of which may be new to you, or at least more intense than you’re used to. 

There is, however, a general pattern that applies. In many ways, we tend to “grieve” when the relationship reaches a certain state, so the stages of grief also apply to affair recovery:

  • Shock/Denial: We know that most people don’t set out to have an affair, which only serves to make it that much more difficult to understand—and process—without the help of a trained therapist. As humans, when we don’t understand something, it often leaves us feeling lost and directionless, which can turn to hopelessness. As a therapist helps to illuminate the reasons or events that led to infidelity, the shock and denial subside. Then, a shift toward finding solutions can begin in earnest. They’ll help you to fully experience your shock, work through your denial, and start down the path toward healing and recovery.
  • Anger: Any time someone we consider a best friend and/or trusted confidant lets us down, anger is a fully natural response. Without working through this anger and any associated feelings, it’s going to be exceptionally difficult to move past it. What a lot of people don’t realize is that anger is often considered a secondary emotion, with its true roots in feelings like fear (of losing control, perhaps) or sadness (about the potential demise of a relationship). Your therapist will help you understand this, identify strategies that align with your primary emotions, and provide a foundation to constructively explore these dynamics.
  • Bargaining: After the shock and anger subside, the reality of the situation starts to really set in. No one wants to feel like their time, energy, and love have been all for naught, so it’s natural to begin rationalizing the situation in an attempt to recapture a better dynamic. At a certain point, the human brain can’t resist trying to provide answers. “Maybe if I would have [done Thing X], this never would have happened.” Responses like these are often reactive, and are not the epiphanies they may seem. Bargaining is just our natural way, perhaps, of seeking explanations for things that feel unexplainable. A therapist will anticipate this, and work to keep things on a productive course.
  • Depression: In the context of infidelity recovery, depression can take on a number of forms. For some people, the loss of trust is simply going to hurt, and hurt pretty severely, leading to hopelessness that leads them to disengage or shut down. A trained therapist will help to dissipate the fog of depression. Like shock/denial and anger, depression is a completely natural response—and your therapist will be prepared to help you process it in a healthy way.
  • Acceptance: Acceptance does not mean giving up, or absolving the other party of responsibility full stop. It simply means acknowledging the reality of the situation, by moving beyond the shock, anger, bargaining, and depression. Finally, acceptance can take many forms, but once you’re able to accept that the affair happened—and caused hurt—and you’re ready and willing to work toward recovering the relationship, then you’re on the right path.

How Can I Help My Partner Heal After Infidelity?

If a partner who cheated is asking this question, that’s a really good sign. It indicates that they’re not just committed to atoning in order to resolve their own feelings of guilt and get things back to normal. And it shows something really vital: that the person who cheated knows they hurt their partner and they want, more than anything, to help them to recover. If you’re looking for signs your marriage will survive infidelity, this certainly counts.

This won’t always be easy, though. Some individuals experience traumatic infidelity syndrome, a form of PTSD that can be tough to shake without the help of a trained professional. Specific trauma-related symptoms a therapist will look for include: 

  • Unresolved anger or mood swings
  • Intrusive thoughts or flashbacks
  • Heightened anxiety
  • Difficulty trusting intimate partners (and others)
  • Emotional detachment or numbness
  • Aversion to future commitment
  • Persistent worrying or defensiveness
  • Difficulty sleeping and/or concentrating, foggy thinking

Not only will a qualified marriage counselor be able to identify these symptoms, but they’ll also know the best strategies for helping their patients to understand them, process them, and start building better patterns and habits.

Does therapy help with cheating?

Therapy can absolutely help, especially if you turn to a therapist who specializes in infidelity or affair recovery. However, if you don’t know what to expect in couples therapy after infidelity, it can cause a great deal of discomfort and anxiety. Here are a few of the key ways a therapist can help couples after an affair, which also serve as the primary goals for couples therapy after infidelity:

  • They can help you understand how the affair happened, and help you rekindle the spark of intimacy. A therapist will help both parties understand and process their own—and their partner’s—feelings. Then, they’ll help the couple to explore how their dynamic may have shifted over time, and what factors they can identify that may have contributed to the affair. This will often involve exploring a range of issues in the relationship, from diminished intimacy or interest to ongoing resentment or difficulties with healthy communication. 
  • They can uncover—and help you process—previous wounds. No relationship forms in a vacuum: both partners have histories, including past relationships and traumas. Within the context of a relationship, especially marriage, partners’ past traumas can inadvertently creep into the relationship and alter its dynamic. A therapist will provide the right environment for these root issues to be uncovered and processed.
  • They will offer impartial insights and guidance. When emotions are high, it can be tremendously difficult to be impartial. A therapist who specializes in infidelity recovery will bring a structured approach, based on research and established best practices, to keep conversations productive and prevent either partner from feeling unheard or even attacked. 
  • They’ll help each partner learn more about themselves. As much as we might try to be self-aware and emotionally intelligent, we don’t always realize our own unhealthy patterns. This is true whether they involve relationship-building, communication, trust, commitment, or any other number of factors. A therapist’s approach to infidelity recovery can help one or both partners to better understand how they might be unconsciously sabotaging themselves or the marriage.
  • They’ll help you establish better communication, openness, and trust. These are lifelong skills that provide the foundation for personal growth and a healthier overall relationship. You can expect to be introduced to some new techniques that won’t just help you recover from infidelity, but have an even greater understanding of each other moving forward. 
  • They’ll help you understand and manage infidelity symptoms. Especially while the emotional wounds are still fresh, it requires a decent amount of work—and professional support—to take inventory of the various symptoms of infidelity. Some will be evident, since you’re already exploring the option of infidelity recovery counseling. Others may not be so easy to identify and diagnose. Think of therapy as a roadmap for making these discoveries, processing them, and developing strategies for moving forward.
  • They’ll offer specific perspectives and tactics for each partner. While a large portion of infidelity recovery therapy will be a joint conversation between the therapist and both parties, a therapist also knows the value of 1:1 discussions with each partner. This helps each partner to feel a little more comfortable exploring thoughts and feelings they might not be sure how to discuss with their partner in the room. For the person who committed the affair, for example, this includes helping them understand the impact of their infidelity on their betrayed spouse, as well as how to atone after cheating. 

Trying to solve such monumental marriage problems on your own isn’t just difficult, it’s really not recommended. Working with a marriage counselor helps you avoid falling into unproductive traps, like arguing over who’s most to blame—or, at the other end of the spectrum, falsely thinking that everything will be OK without putting in the work. 

If you’re at either end of that spectrum or somewhere in the middle, you’re certainly not alone. 

You would probably be surprised how many couples decide to seek out a qualified counselor only once they’ve realized that the blame cycles and rose-colored glasses aren’t helping them to process and move beyond marital issues. In many cases, they discover how the right therapy environment can empower both partners to express themselves truly, feel their feelings fully, and develop mutual empathy.

We know that surviving infidelity isn’t always easy, but we also understand that the emotional rollercoaster you’re on can be scary and exhausting. 

How Successful Is Marriage Counseling After Infidelity?

Despite how scary it can feel, marriage counseling is effective more often than not. According to one study, around 70% of couples are able to stay together after infidelity—with many coming out the other side feeling like their relationship has, in fact, been strengthened through infidelity recovery therapy. 

Now, these results aren’t instant, and will likely take weeks if not months. Therapists know this and will help couples understand what to expect, including various milestones they’ll try to achieve along the way. At Well Marriage Center, our affair recovery program has helped over 1,000 couples get their marriages back on track. If you’re willing to put in the time, we’ll be right there with you.

What Are Signs Your Marriage Will Survive Infidelity?

Because infidelity recovery doesn’t occur overnight, it can be tough to believe in the process when it’s first getting underway. There are some signs you can look for as indicators that your marriage has a good chance of surviving infidelity. Here are a few examples:

  • Genuine apologies have been made, and both partners are committed to saving the marriage.
  • Both partners are willing to admit their own faults, and acknowledge their partners’.
  • Both partners express a willingness to attend therapy, even though they know it will involve uncomfortable conversations and tricky emotions.
  • Both partners express a belief/hope that the marriage will be saved.
  • Both partners are willing to learn better ways to communicate and navigate conflicts.

If you’re looking for help, that in itself is a really encouraging sign and an important first step. At Well Marriage Center, we have physical locations as well as telehealth options, in order to make marriage counseling accessible to you when you need it. After all, finding an effective marriage counselor shouldn’t have to add any additional stress to the situation.

What Type of Therapy Is Best for Infidelity?

For couples that are committed to rebuilding the trust necessary to keep their marriage alive, infidelity or affair recovery therapy is an ideal place to start. At Well Marriage Center, our affair recovery therapists use a strengths-based approach to marriage counseling. 

In other words, we take a glass half-full approach. Infidelity occurred (and it hurt), but focusing on what made you fall in love in the first place provides a better foundation for understanding and recovery than dwelling on either partner’s fallibility or rushing to assign blame. Instead, we take a patient, honest, and hopeful approach. 

What Type of Therapist Should I See for Infidelity?

We recommend looking for a therapist or counselor who is experienced in infidelity or affair recovery. From there, it’s important to find a therapist whose core values about the sanctity of marriage and definition of “success” are in alignment with your own. 

Any therapist you meet with should start off by discussing these very topics, not just to ensure a suitable fit but also to help you understand exactly what to expect over the course of your counseling program. This can include developing objectives together, thinking about what kind of timeline to expect, and more.

Ready to Take the First Step?

Whether you’re looking for marriage counseling, affair recovery, or even individual counseling, the team at Well Marriage Center is here to help. We know infidelity recovery can be an emotionally-charged, life-altering endeavor, but we believe there’s hope. That’s why our team is so motivated to empower individuals and couples with the tools and skills they need to rebuild trust and rekindle the love that originally brought them together.

We’re ready when you are. Reach out to schedule an appointment today.

 

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