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Solution to Lack of Communication in Marriage

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From lack of listening to accusatory statements, resolving relationship communication issues is essential for couples to respect one another. Many couples list communication as a major problem when tension builds in their relationship and it’s easy to see how it can feel like the most prominent issue. But how can you address communication problems head-on? 

Let’s take a look: 

  • How to fix communication in a relationship in 10 steps
  • Signs of poor communication in marriage
  • Reasons for lack of communication in a relationship

It’s also important to note that, even though people often think the main problem is communication, it is typically not the most significant issue. There are usually deeper issues at play that show up through how we interact with our partners. Well Marriage Center can help you fix both communication and any other pressing underlying issues you might be experiencing. Let’s dive into solutions for poor communication.

How Do You Fix Lack of Communication in a Relationship?

Poor communication is a problem many couples face, but you can actively work to improve in many ways, including actively listening, being open and honest, and creating goals together. While finding a solution to communication problems in your marriage or relationship can be a challenge, there are a few things you can do to address the issues. And if you’re looking for advice on lack of communication in a relationship, we have a few steps you can take to start mending your relationship and communication errors:

1. Recognize Poor Communication

Pinpointing the areas in which you and your partner need better communication can be difficult. There’s usually a reason why couples struggle and it’s important to know exactly where and how you’re failing to communicate. However, it’s important to understand that passive aggressive behavior, ignoring your partner’s perspective, having cyclical arguments, and blaming one another for are all indicators of poor communication. Once you recognize that you’re struggling to communicate, you’ll be able to take steps to have a stronger connection with your partner. 

2. Find Similarities

You and your partner are a team, not rivals. If you’re struggling to communicate, it can be beneficial to ground your relationship in things where you share common perspectives. It’s okay if you disagree occasionally, but finding similarities in how you approach conversations and what those conversations are about is an important step in fixing communication issues. You might consider questions like:

  • What things are most important to you as a couple? 
  • What is the best way to approach a problem? 
  • What solutions do you agree work? 
  • How can you approach things you disagree on in a productive way?  

3. Be Open and Honest

It’s not easy being vulnerable with people, but that shouldn’t be the case with your partner. Having a safe space where you can be open and honest about any concerns is essential for a supportive and strong relationship. Honesty is the bedrock of successful relationships, and if you don’t feel safe sharing your honest perspective, it will be difficult to feel secure in your partnership. Of course, it’s not a one way street. You should also be taking steps to make your partner feel comfortable as well. 

4. Actively Listen

Having a conversation isn’t always about talking about your own feelings and perspectives. You also need to learn to actively listen to your partner. According to Psychology Today, “Active listening is about making a conscious decision to hear what people are saying. It’s about being completely focused on others—their words and their messages—without being distracted.” That means listening to understand rather than to respond. If you’re only waiting to hear where you can interject, you’re not listening to what they’re saying. Formulating your response while they’re talking leads to trouble communicating in the future, as they might not want to be vulnerable if you’re not listening.

5. Set Clear Boundaries

Sometimes, one partner can cross boundaries and they might not even know it. It’s important for couples to set clear boundaries when they’re trying to communicate better, because it provides a line in the sand that you should not cross. If a boundary for your partner is time between a frustrating or tense situation, it’s best to give them space to work through their emotions before you start a conversation. Once you cross a partner’s boundaries, it can lead to more built up tensions, resentment, and even silence between each other. Boundaries need to be respected by both partners to ensure more effective communication.

6. Create Goals and Compromise

It’s always better to set goals for you to strive for as a couple. How do you handle money? What does your partner need to feel safe? Do you feel comfortable giving something up to help your partner feel comfortable? Once you both have goals in mind, you might have to compromise a bit to get what you both need, but ultimately it will give you something to work toward. This helps you approach any conflicts as a team and sets a baseline for what is expected.

7. Use “I” Statements

When you’re in the heat of the moment, it can be easy to use accusatory statements like “You never talk to me when you’re with your friends!” The best way to approach conversations with a partner is to use “I” statements. In this instance, try saying “I feel worried when you don’t text me that you’re safe when you’re out with your friends.” Phrasing your concerns this way frames your feelings as the focal point, rather than telling your partner what you think they’re doing wrong. 

8. Be Present

Being present during communication with your partner means you need to be in the moment while having conversations, rather than having your mind on other things. Without being present, it is easy to gloss over important issues or information that could help you and your partner work together through an issue. This doesn’t mean you listen to respond, but actively listening is a large part of being present during conversations. You should know your partner’s concerns and how they would like things to change and respond with meaningful solutions or questions.

9. Choose the Right Time

Not every time is the right time to bring up an issue with your partner. Even if you’ve had an argument recently, sometimes people need space to think about how to approach a conversation. It’s also not beneficial to start difficult conversations in public settings or around other people. Choosing the right time means starting the conversation when it is best for both parties, even if that means waiting for longer than you’d like. 

10. Check In Regularly

It can be beneficial for some couples to check in—or do a temperature check—to see how the other person is feeling, address any concerns, and discuss any solutions if needed. Giving your partner the time and space in regular intervals to speak with you is important to stop any anger or resentment from building up.

While there are several ways to improve communication in a relationship, it’s important to take the first step into healing, which can start with couples therapy. With a marriage counselor, like those at Well Marriage Center, you can focus on not only the misunderstandings you might have with your partner, but also the underlying causes of your communication problems. With a focus on amplifying your strengths as a couple, you can rebuild your relationship on a solid foundation.

What Is Normal Communication in a Relationship?

Because every couple is different, there is no “normal” communication. But all communication should be respectful, open and honest, and considerate of both partners. Without giving both people the opportunity to speak their perspective, it becomes a one-sided conversation, which won’t resolve any problems. Not only that, but you should both be able to say how you feel without the other person feeling unsafe or unheard. 

But how can you tell when you and your partner are having communication problems? 

What Are Signs of Bad Communication in a Marriage?

Bad communication can show itself in many forms, like passive aggressiveness, ignoring and stonewalling, and rehashing arguments. Because everyone communicates in a different way, it’s not always easy to be on the same page with your spouse. But poor communication in a relationship can have serious repercussions. Couples that don’t use effective communication techniques may suffer with intimacy, disagreements, and relationship growth. You might notice that you’re gradually drifting apart from your partner when you have problems connecting with one another through communication.

It’s important to identify the areas that need improvement before you start to work on your communications skills. So what are signs of bad communication in a relationship you and your spouse should look out for?

1. Displaying Passive Aggressive Behavior

If one person in a relationship continuously displays passive aggressive behavior, you might find it difficult to have direct and open communication. When someone is passive aggressive, they have a tendency to express negative emotions indirectly rather than clearly—like saying, “No, I’m fine,” instead of communicating their concerns or needs. According to the Mayo Clinic, when someone responds this way, it can lead to resentment of each other and opposition to expectations. It’s also stated that passive aggression leads to “resistance to cooperation, procrastination and intentional mistakes in response to others’ demands.” When a partner is passive aggressive, it can greatly halt communication and take significant time to overcome problems.

2. Ignoring Your Partner’s Perspective

If you or your partner do not listen to each other’s perspective during a heated discussion, it’s difficult to take their feelings into consideration. How does it make them feel? What solution do they think is best? How can you make them feel more comfortable? No one is always right, but understanding how your partner views the situation or problem is essential to finding a solution. The Gottman Institute emphasizes that you and your partner are on the same team and both of your feelings are valid. Once you consider their perspective, you can begin to bridge the gap. 

3. Rehashing Arguments

When things don’t change, it can feel like you and your partner are recycling the same argument over and over. Unfortunately, it’s been shown that 69% of conflicts aren’t resolved between couples experiencing disagreements. While it’s possible the issue stems from “fundamental differences in your personalities that repeatedly create conflict or fundamental differences in your lifestyle needs,” these cyclical arguments can indicate that couples have difficulty implementing solutions. If you’re rehashing arguments, it’s important to stop and listen to one another and come up with a solution that is beneficial to both parties.

4. Blaming and Deflecting Responsibility

Blaming a partner for issues in your relationship can get overwhelming fairly quickly. While it’s not helpful to say, “It’s your fault,” it might be difficult to let go of resentment against your partner. Blaming can also lead to triggering your partner, introducing unrealistic expectations, and highlighting emotional immaturity. In most situations, both partners contribute to a problem. It’s important to recognize your part in the issue and not just what you think your partner has done. Not only is it important to have an open dialogue, but you both should feel safe with each other, as partners and in conversations. If you or your partner don’t feel safe, then communication can quickly become you vs. them. 

5. Stonewalling Conversations

Communication isn’t successful if there’s no conversation to begin with. If you or your partner ignore the other person when an issue arises, it can prevent necessary discussions from happening. While some couples might have concerns about conversation dwindling over time, it’s always important to talk about any concerns or issues that arise. 

Of course these aren’t the only signals of bad communication between partners. If someone brings up past mistakes unrelated to the issue, starts yelling, or uses sarcasm, you might also find communication is difficult. At Well Marriage Center, we know that communication is an important concern couples have. But communication doesn’t have to be the root of the problem. In fact, more often than not there’s a deeper issue that needs to be addressed but can’t because of bad communication. Working with a licensed marriage counselor can help you identify and confront these issues with guidance in a safe space.

What Causes Lack of Communication in Marriage?

Communication can break down due to many issues, but typically it happens when partners have differing communication styles and expectations. Here are a few potential causes of poor communication between couples:

  • Having little one-on-one time to talk and listen
  • Lying frequently when questioned about problems
  • Avoiding discussion because attempts to communicate often result in confrontations
  • Lacking intimacy between partners emotionally and physically
  • Refusing to consider a partner’s perspective
  • Having unrealistic expectations of a partner’s ability to talk about issues

Unfortunately, the effects of lack of communication in a relationship can take a toll on you and your partner. You might be left unable to speak with your partner about anything, because you’re experiencing some of the lack of communication skills. At Well Marriage Center, you can focus on what’s most important to fix your communication and other significant issues that you face as a couple. 

How Does Lack of Communication Affect Marriage?

Being unable to communicate can lead to a poor and potentially damaged relationship. Being able to discuss and resolve issues in a healthy way is essential to maintaining a long-lasting and happy marriage or relationship. Of course communication is rarely the main issue couples face; it can be a symptom of other underlying issues, like past traumas, lack of trust or, holding resentment. 

How Many Marriages Fail Because of Lack of Communication?

If you’re looking to answer, “Can a marriage survive lack of communication?” and “How many relationships fail because of communication?” A survey by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers (AAML) found that communication issues account for roughly 67.5 percent of marriage failures. That means that most couples find their main issue is with communication and not something else, like infidelity. However, at Well Marriage Center, we’ve met with a lot of couples and find that communication isn’t always the root cause of the problems they’re facing. Communication is just one aspect of many that couples should address before considering divorce.

 

What Is the Best Solution to Lack of Communication in a Marriage? Quality, Professional Help.

If you think you need help with communication and other underlying problems, Well Marriage Center helps couples tackle their marital concerns head on. While communication might be what is most important when you start your sessions, you can quickly find that there are other issues you’re facing in your marriage. We would love to help you rebuild your relationship based on your strengths as a couple. If you’d like to set an appointment, reach out to our Intake Coordinator Melinda and she will help you get started on your healing journey.

 

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What Is Healthy Communication in a Marriage?

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If you’re looking for advice on relationship communication, you might also know some of the telltale signs of bad communication in a relationship: constant fights, lack of respect, or stonewalling. But what about the signs of healthy communication? With the importance of communication in marriage being so critical, it’s valuable to know when you and your partner are doing things right—or when you might need a little work. So what is effective communication in marriage? Let’s look at good examples of communication and some solutions, like marriage counseling, that might help it get even better. 

What Are the Qualities of Good Communication in Marriage?

Good communication in a marriage can look different for every couple, but ultimately it comes down to being respectful of your partner and being clear about your own feelings and needs. However, there are some signs of effective communication in a marriage you should always look for in your relationship.

  1. Listen to your partner when they’re speaking—and don’t interrupt! It can be easy to listen to respond, rather than listen to understand. But when you take the time to hear what your partner is saying, you can give them the space they need to clearly explain their wants, needs, and concerns.

    Tip: You can show your partner you’re actively listening by maintaining eye contact and nodding your head rather than being distracted by technology or a wandering mind. Alternatively, you can repeat their point back in your own words to show you understand and create a moment to clarify any misunderstandings.
  2. Think before you speak, even in moments of frustration or hurt. It can be easy to say the wrong thing if you respond reactively. However, it’s important to take a step back and think about what you want to say and how you want to say it. Remember, after you say something you can’t take it back. If you say something hurtful, it can be hard to redeem yourself. You should express your negative feelings in a constructive way.

    Tip: Communicate with your partner about how you’re feeling during tense conversations. Avoid attacks or malicious responses.
  3. Talk about small things—good or bad! It’s important to have conversations about your day, what’s new and exciting, or what’s got you down (and not always the big-picture stuff). Nobody wants to talk about serious topics all of the time. In fact, talking about fun things is fun in its own right! Having these conversations can help reaffirm your connection with one another.

    Tip: Asking about your partner’s day is a great way to show them you care.
  4. Be aware of body language and non-verbal cues. Understanding both your and your partner’s body language can help you adjust the way you approach a conversation. How are you and your partner showing your emotions? Are you guarded with your arms crossed? Or are you leaning in and listening to your partner attentively?

    Tip: Make sure you take your partner’s non-verbal cues into consideration when having a conversation.
  5. Express gratitude on a regular basis. It always feels nice to know you’re loved and appreciated by your partner. By communicating your gratitude regularly, you can give your partner confidence and security in your relationship. Not only that, but it will help you both focus on the good things about your marriage and strengthen your connection.

    Tip: Tell your partner one thing you appreciate or admire about them every day.

Of course, there are several more qualities of effective communication in a relationship. It’s all about giving each other the space you need to feel comfortable expressing your feelings. It’s okay if you and your spouse don’t always understand each other—sometimes things get in the way. However, poor communication can be a sign of a deeper issue, but there are ways to help you navigate the root of the problem. For example, marriage counseling at Well Marriage Center can help you refocus your marriage on your strengths, rather than what’s holding you back.

What Is the Importance of Communication in a Marriage?

Effective communication enables couples to establish trust, resolve conflicts, share their needs, and forge a deep emotional connection. With open and honest communication, you and your partner can gain a greater understanding of one another, which means greater trust and intimacy. You can also feel more connected to your partner by expressing your thoughts, feelings, and experiences in a safe and encouraging environment. 

Conflict resolution is also an important skill for marriage. Of course, arguments are bound to happen in every relationship and they can even be healthy, but good communication can help you and your spouse reach respectful and constructive outcomes. This includes clarifying expectations with your partner to avoid misunderstandings. By communicating in the most straightforward way possible, partners may steer clear of assumptions that would otherwise cause arguments and uncertainty.

Overall, if you and your partner prioritize communication, you can establish a lasting and rewarding connection that can last a lifetime. But making communication a priority also comes with exploring the possibility of more in-depth relationship concerns, like lack of intimacy or conflicting approaches to finances. You can address those concerns by reaching out to professionals like us at Well Marriage Center. You and your partner can dig into the problems you’re facing by focusing on what’s working in your relationship. Building a solid foundation on your strengths gives you a well rounded perspective on how you communicate with your partner.

What Is One Way to Create Healthy Communication in a Marriage?

If you feel like you’re having difficulty communicating in a healthy way with your partner, or just want to make a good marriage stronger, it might be time to consider a solution like marriage counseling. Attending couples therapy doesn’t mean your marriage is unsuccessful—or that you’re alone. In fact, about 50% of couples try counseling at some point in their marriage. 

If you’re looking to rejuvenate your marriage, Well Marriage Center provides a strengths-based approach to counseling. Instead of focusing on the negative aspects of your marriage—and communication—we help you restore your relationship based on your successes. You’ll also get marriage communication tools to help strengthen your connection. If you’d like to deepen your relationship, connect with our intake coordinator, Melinda, and get started on your counseling journey!

 

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What Causes Lack of Communication in a Relationship?

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Couples sometimes struggle with communication, but what do you do when it becomes a pattern? It can feel frustrating, or even demoralizing to struggle with relationship communication, especially when you can’t figure out what’s causing it. While every relationship has its own challenges, there are a few common signs of bad communication in a relationship. The good news is that all of them have solutions.

At Well Marriage Center, we love helping relationships thrive. Let’s take a look at some ways people—and couples—struggle with communicating. We’ll also examine some of the ways a therapist could help you improve communication with your partner.

Why Do People Struggle With Communication Skills?

The short answer is: it’s complicated. Truthfully, there are a lot of factors that impact communication skills, and each of those factors affects people in different ways. Most of them, though, can be boiled down to a few basic concepts. Every person:

  • Learns to communicate (or not communicate) differently
  • Has different needs, and relationships with those needs
  • Receives each type of communication differently
  • Possesses varying degrees of natural social skill

Since each person is unique (as are their life experiences) it’s easy to see how quickly communication between two people can become challenging. This is especially true in a romantic partnership. When two people become a couple, they each bring their personal formula of communication to the table, and chances are those formulas are very different. What’s more, their gaps in communication may not be apparent at first; the reasons for lack of communication in a relationship are not always the stereotypical fighting or silent treatments. Poor communication can also be dynamics that long go unnoticed, or an inability to express needs. And if either partner has not done the therapeutic work of understanding their patterns or behaviors, this can make bridging communication gaps even more challenging.

So, when it comes to couples communication, there are a lot of moving parts. But what are the most common causes of communication difficulties in a relationship? Let’s take a look.

What Causes Poor Communication in a Relationship?

When there is no communication in a relationship, or the communication feels like a challenge, it’s usually because of one (or both) of the partners is struggling with at least one of the following skill sets:

  • Understanding Communication Styles
  • Solving Relationship Conflicts
  • Expressing Unmet Needs
  • Processing External Stress

Let’s take a look at each of these, and how a therapist can help with each skill set.

Understanding Communication Styles

There are four basic styles of communicating: passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive, and assertive. It’s important to not just understand which of these is your default, communication habit, but how your partner communicates as well. This is because each pairing of communication styles sets a tone for different relationship dynamics. If you don’t understand your partner’s communication style (or your own), you’re set up to run into the same kind of trouble over and over again.

How do couples find common ground in communication styles? Ideally, each partner should shoot for assertive communication. When you are assertive, you’re able to boldly express yourself, while giving your partner space to do the same. It also involves respecting your partner’s feelings and concerns. Therapists help couples understand not just what it means to be more assertive, but also how to practice assertive communication in a relationship. This can include tools like “I” statements, which focus on expressing frustration through a lens of feeling, as opposed to a lens of criticism (i.e. “I feel uncomfortable when we don’t talk” versus “You never want to talk about anything”).

Solving Relationship Conflicts

Every relationship has conflict. More than that, every healthy relationship should have conflict on occasion. Conflict, when handled well, can encourage growth, empathy, and an enriched perspective. But the sad reality is that everyone learns different meanings for conflict, a lot of which occurs early in life. For example, people with abandonment issues may fear conflict because to them, it is a sign of impending doom. Conversely, those who grew up in an abusive household may subconsciously associate unhealthy conflict with expressing love, and thus seek out conflict to feel loved.

Therapists show partners how their individual perceptions of conflict play out in the relationship. They may even work in one-on-one sessions with each person to better process conflict, so that when the couple rejoins, there is a better chance of positive resolution. Knowing your partner’s feelings around conflict—and what will trigger an emotional response in them—is key to improving communication.

Expressing Unmet Needs

There may come times in relationships where one partner is not getting what they want or need from the other. Unfortunately, not everyone can clearly express when this happens, and not everyone who can express it does so in a healthy way. On top of that, since everyone receives communication differently, the other partner may either be triggered by the need or may simply not be getting the message—even if it’s clear.

With that, though, it’s important to understand that what seems like “clear communication” to you may not be so clear to your partner. People cannot read minds, and may misunderstand subtle signals, which is why assertive communication is a valuable skill in relationships. Additionally, if you never tell your partner what your needs are, they cannot be there for you. This is another place where therapy helps not just the relationship, but the individual; asking for what you want is an important life skill in general, but it also makes relationships far more fulfilling. People struggle with sharing their needs for a variety of reasons—whether it’s low self-esteem, traumatic events, or expecting their partner to “just know them”—and a good therapist knows how to work with each of these.

Processing External Stress

Life can throw any number of challenges at us—some big, and some small. But no matter what they are, the stressors in our lives impact all of our relationships, including romantic ones. When things become hard for one or both partners, they must come together and support each other through whatever difficulties arise. Unfortunately, it’s not always that easy, as stress can cloud our judgment and make us more reactive, which adds tension to our relationships.

When you’re struggling with life, it’s a good idea to have a therapist—whether you’re in a relationship or not. But it’s especially important for relationships because in addition to your own well-being, you have to look out for the well-being of your partner and the shared bond you two have built together.

Practice Effective Communication With Well Marriage

Whether your relationship is struggling or thriving, it can benefit from improved communication skills. At Well Marriage, our therapists are trained in a variety of tactics, tools, and techniques to enrich any couple’s partnership and help them grow closer. If you’re interested in how therapy can make your love stronger than it’s ever been, please reach out to us and schedule an appointment today.



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Can a Relationship Last Without Communication?

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We’ve all been there. We’ve had romantic relationships where it feels as though there is some sort of disconnect between ourselves and our partner. Our relationship communication turns disjointed, sometimes even nonexistent or aggressive, and it can create a separation. Some couples are able to work through these issues while others feel they have to call it quits. Before reaching that breaking point, you and your partner can take steps to remediate your problems.

In this blog, we discuss what causes communication issues and how to fix communication in your relationship. We’ll also recommend a couples therapy center with experts who ask more than the surface level couples therapy communication questions.

What Causes a Lack of Communication in Marriage and Other Romantic Relationships?

Most, if not all, causes of a lack of communication in a relationship stem from deeper issues, including:

  • Different communication styles: Different people have varying types of communication in relationships. Some are direct, some only hint at their feelings, and still others may come off as overpowering. Individuals even have different ways of showing and feeling love. Disparate communication styles can warp messages in translation, leaving partners feeling unheard.
  • Unmet needs: This issue goes hand-in-hand with having different communication styles. Individuals who feel as though their significant other isn’t providing what they need in a relationship may start to distance themselves. This, in turn, will result in even less communication between partners.
  • Jealousy: When you or your partner feel hostility towards the other person for spending time or communicating with friends and colleagues, it can lead to anger or resentment. You may end up building walls in your relationship and blocking communication.
  • Prior trauma: Our past experiences often affect how we act and communicate in the present. Philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche once said, “When we are tired, we are attacked by ideas we conquered long ago.” It really means that no matter what you’ve thought you’ve overcome, your weakest moments can remind you of those previous experiences. When you sense trouble in your relationship, you may remember your past (or subconsciously be re-enacting it) and use defense mechanisms or negative coping strategies that result in a lack of communication.

These are only a few examples of problems that lead to poor communication in relationships. With a specialized couples therapist like ours at Well Marriage Center, you can spot and uproot those problems to plant healthier communication into your relationship.

Can a Relationship Survive Without Communication?

As hard as it may be to hear, a relationship cannot survive without communication. It leaves you and your partner feeling isolated, angry, and sad. It can turn the smallest disagreements into the biggest arguments. It may even cause you to question why you two are in a relationship in the first place.

Just because your relationship may lack communication now doesn’t mean it has to stay that way. No matter how long you and your partner have struggled talking to each other, you can turn it around and start fresh by taking the appropriate steps and accepting help from a professional when needed.

How to Deal With No Communication in a Relationship

Rather than learning to deal with a lack of communication, you should instead find ways to improve communication in your relationship. There are a few key actions you can take to accomplish that goal:

 

  • Kickstart communication. Sometimes leaving your home to talk or setting aside designated time to have a conversation can ensure that you explore those deeper questions and concerns that you need to discuss with one another.


  • Listen to one another. That means without distractions and without trying to decide what you want to say next. Engage with your significant other, and show them that you understand what they’re saying. Ask questions as necessary to better understand the message they want to get across. You may even repeat back what they said to you to make sure you comprehended them correctly.


  • Empathize with the other person. When your significant other is expressing their feelings, avoid putting on a defensive air. Instead, work to understand their point of view, even if you don’t necessarily agree with it.


  • Work as a team. Odds are that you both played a part in the lack of communication in your relationship. Take responsibility for what you might have done to contribute to the issues and move forward. Since your relationship is, in fact, a partnership, you both need to work together to uncover and unravel any deeper issues that may have gotten you to where you are. 


  • Talk to a marriage counselor or couples therapist. Working with relationship-friendly professionals (experts whose first solution isn’t separation or divorce) like those at Well Marriage Center can give you the safe space, communication skills advice, and the knowledge you need to discover your deeper problems and work through them together as opposed to against one another.

Take Steps Towards Improved Communication at Well Marriage Center

We at Well Marriage Center want to see your relationship succeed as much as you do. That’s why instead of going through some of the typical communication exercises you might expect from online tips or self-help books, you will experience more meaningful questions and deeper conversations to find what’s really causing the poor communication in your relationship. With our experience and expertise working with couples, you’ll have the opportunity to build a relationship stronger than ever. To get started, contact our intake coordinator or schedule online.



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How Can Couples Improve Their Communication?

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Every relationship has its ups and downs and many couples peg poor communication as the reason for those downs. Relationship communication can strengthen or weaken the bond between two partners depending on how effective it is. And while it is completely normal to have the occasional barrier when talking to one another, prolonged communication issues in relationships can lead to even bigger problems. Before you and your partner get to that point, there are some steps you can take to get your communication back on track. First, though, you need to understand where those problems stem from.

Why Do I Struggle to Communicate With My Partner?

There are several reasons why you may struggle to communicate with your partner. For one, you may not understand your own feelings. You may feel hurt, upset, distant, etc., but you don’t know why you feel that way. Without understanding why you feel the way you do, you have a much harder time conveying to your partner what you need. This can lead to frustration with your partner for misunderstanding you.

You may also struggle to communicate with your partner simply because you were taught growing up to communicate a particular way. Perhaps you were taught to internalize your feelings, which makes it much harder as an adult to communicate them. Or perhaps as a child you unknowingly developed unhealthy or aggressive communication habits or patterns. Additionally, some families have a culture of “asking” or of “guessing” when it comes to meeting needs and expressing wants. For example, some people feel around the edges of a question and feel a need to guess the answer because they don’t feel like it’s appropriate to ask for things directly. All of this can cause you to lash out at or pull away from your partner rather than looking both within yourself and at your partner’s perspective.

Fear can also make it harder for you to communicate with your partner. When you have very real, very raw feelings that you have to share, you have to be vulnerable. You open yourself up to being hurt and potentially hurting your partner. That thought alone can scare many from talking about their feelings. However, this vulnerability is necessary to build trust and forge a strong relationship with your partner.

No matter what reasons there are for the lack of communication in your relationship, know that it’s never too late to work through them. A trained couples therapist like ours here at Well Marriage Center will go beyond the communication exercises you may expect to uncover the root issue(s) behind your struggle to communicate. From there, you and your partner can both learn to heal and move forward together.

What Can a Couple Do to Develop Their Communication Skills?

There are a few ways to improve communication in a relationship, one of which is to take the time to think through why you feel the way you do and how best to communicate that to your partner. When you truly understand your feelings, you’ll have a much easier time expressing them to your partner. Remember that when you do, use an assertive style of communication as opposed to an aggressive one. This style emphasizes openness and honesty while also respecting your partner and their feelings as well. Respectful communication in relationships is the first step to understanding your partner and working through problems as a team rather than as opponents.

Part of respectful communication, too, is listening to your partner. That does not mean that you listen to figure out what you want to say next or to prove your point. Rather, it means listening with your heart open so that you can understand why your partner feels as they do or has been acting a particular way. Listening in this way will also allow you to empathize with your partner.

Once you share your feelings and listen to those of your partner, you’ll have a much simpler time finding common ground with them. That means that, even if you do not agree on something or have been hurt by the other person, you can compromise and make a plan to move forward. It means that no matter what problems arise or what disagreements you have, you are still in the person’s corner when they need you. Finding common ground breeds trust and respect in relationships.

Improving communication won’t happen overnight. And it’s completely normal to have no idea where to start or how to work through previous trauma. Many couples turn to marriage therapy and relationship counseling to help with improving their communication, and that’s a great step to take! We at Well Marriage Center want your relationship to succeed as much as you do. We will give you the support you need every step through your journey towards effective communication.

Well Marriage Center: The Place for Effective Couples Communication Therapy

If you and your partner want to learn how to overcome barriers in communication, turn to Well Marriage Center. Our therapists have worked with thousands of couples and have seen all sorts of styles of communication. They also know how to find the deeper issue causing your problems so that you not only work through your current slump in communication, but can better communicate in future disagreements as well. Get started with one of our therapists and see a world of difference in your relationship.



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What Are Healthy Communication Styles for Couples?

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If you’re reading this, you’ve likely heard “communication is key” for any healthy relationship. While that is true, there is a lot more to that idea than meets the eye. Communication, like a key, can open the door to your partner’s heart (and your own as well). But with that, it’s important to know that communication styles, like keys, aren’t universal. Some “keys” that work for certain people may not for others. Some “keys” are bad to use on any person. And the truth is, there is no one-size-fits all, “master key” for relationship communication. Every couple is different because each person is unique, carrying their own personalities, past traumas, and relationship needs. It’s up to the couples to figure that out—together.

So, how can loving couples learn which communication styles are “keys” for their relationship? Some of that knowledge develops naturally, as partners learn more about each other. But seeing a couples counselor is another great way to improve communication—and it’s not just for struggling couples, either. Therapists give you an objective, expert perspective, which can be helpful for any relationship, regardless of how new (or old) it is. One of the reasons for this is that therapists help couples understand—and practice—healthy communication. What are some healthy communication examples? Let’s go over a few basic guidelines together.

What Is Healthy Communication in a Relationship?

Ultimately, every relationship is unique, and so is each relationship’s version of healthy communication. But to get to that point, you must first establish ground rules that encourage respect, trust, and vulnerability. With that in mind, we at Well Marriage are happy to share a few good starting points.

Healthy communication in a relationship will almost always include the following:

  • Know yourself, and your needs—then share them. This is arguably the most important step, because you are the only person who is an expert on, well, you! In relationships, it’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking your partner is a mind-reader, or that they “should just know” what you need from them. It’s never good to assume your partner fully understands your needs or knows how their actions impact your feelings. This is especially true when dating someone with a different communication style than you (which we’ll cover later in this article). Knowing your relationship needs can be quite challenging, but a therapist can really help you discover them.
  • Listen to understand, rather than to respond. Listening to your partner is a sign of love and respect; it’s also an act of deep intimacy. But there is a clear difference between “hearing” what someone says and truly “listening.” Active listening involves devoting your attention not just to your partner’s words, but their tone, delivery, and other nonverbal cues. Listening also involves acknowledging your partner as they speak, withholding judgment until they’re finished talking, and asking questions to clarify what they say. Besides, if you’re already formulating your response as your partner is talking, you’re not only ignoring them, but you are acting on incomplete information. Listening can be especially challenging when you’re discussing something contentious or arguing, but that is perhaps when listening well is most important.
  • Speak through a lens of how things make you feel. Our feelings are not just deeply personal and unique to us, they also give our loved ones a roadmap for how to meet our needs. When your partner upsets you in some way, it can be tempting to criticize them. But not only is criticism unhealthy for a relationship, it will not help your partner understand what you want. Always try to express things through “I” statements, rather than “you” statements; this will help you center your emotions, rather than attacking your partner. An example of this is choosing to say “I feel hurt when you don’t help me clean the kitchen,” rather than, “you never want to help clean up.”  
  • Validate your partner’s feelings and experiences. Truthfully, you will not always understand your partner’s emotions. And you will not always agree on how to interpret what happens in your relationship. But even in those times, it’s important to respect your partner’s feelings. Emotions cannot be “right” or “wrong”—they just are—so you must trust that your partner will speak authentically about their feelings. And likewise, they must trust you will do the same. Validating does not have to equal agreement, it can be as simple as expressing “I understand how that must make you feel.” From there, you can work on solutions or compromises.

What Communication Styles Are Needed for Healthy Relationships?

While every relationship’s specific communication patterns will vary, there is a general style that couples should aim for: assertive communication. Assertiveness is one of the four basic communication styles, which are:

  • Passive | Avoids conflict, often letting their partner make all the decisions
  • Aggressive | Embraces conflict, often dominating and controlling the relationship
  • Passive-Aggressive | Knows what they want but has trouble voicing it, leading to resentment
  • Assertive | Clearly expresses their needs and wants, while respecting others’ needs and wants

Assertive communication styles are direct but respectful. Being assertive means boldly expressing your feelings or desires and asking direct questions, while ensuring that others can do the same. But not everyone knows how to communicate assertively, and even if they do, they may still struggle with it or not know how to respond to assertive communications. Many people likely fall back onto one of the other communication styles—whether it’s from past trauma, unmet needs, or not being fully in touch with their emotions. 

What Is the Hardest Communication Style To Deal With?

This is largely subjective, as each style can be hard to work with, for different reasons. Aggressive people can be domineering and stubborn, but passive people can feel inaccessible and “far away” to their partner. And passive-aggressive people tend to let things build up until they reach a boiling point. In each of these situations, an experienced therapist helps couples bridge the initial communication gap, then gives them the tools to do that on their own.

Learn Healthy Communication With Well Marriage

Communication is key, and with the right key, you and your partner can unlock the door to a better relationship. Our therapists can help you discover what “keys” will best fit your relationship and give you strategies to improve your communication daily. It can be challenging to know what to do when you struggle to communicate with your partner. Even if your relationship isn’t struggling, you may just want a way to deepen your relationship and have more intimacy. At Well Marriage, we’re passionate about giving couples the tools they need to build a happy, deep, thriving partnership—together.

If you’d like to learn more about how we can strengthen your relationship’s communication, reach out to us and schedule an appointment today!

 

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What Are the Stages of Affair Recovery?

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If you’ve cheated or been cheated on, you’re not alone. According to Psychology Today, “about 20 percent of men and 13 percent of women report that they’ve had sex with someone other than their spouse while married.” 

Why do people cheat? It can happen for a range of reasons, like feeling neglected, growing bored, or simply one partner falling out of love with the other. Often, it’s not easy to even figure out the root cause or causes, making affair recovery a tricky endeavor—and one that’s best left to a qualified marriage or couples counselor. 

While people’s reasons for cheating may be complex and difficult to untangle, there’s hope. The aftermath of an affair is a rollercoaster of painful emotions that can have devastating, long-term effects if not handled appropriately. Once you understand the stages of healing after infidelity and find the right counselor to help you navigate them through your unique situation, recovery should start to feel like a real possibility.

Note: we use “marriage” and “couples” counseling interchangeably, as we’re here to support any committed relationship that is in distress. We hope you can find this information useful, regardless of legal status or how you personally label your relationship.

How Do You Start the Healing Process After an Affair?

Even though it can cause deep feelings of betrayal and hurt, infidelity does not have to mean the end of the marriage or relationship. That being said, getting past the initial trauma can feel overwhelming in the early stages after an affair has been discovered.

The best advice in the immediate aftermath of affair discovery is to work past the urge to lash out, which typically only makes things worse. Instead, it’s important to take a breath, give each other some space, and avoid making any rash decisions in the moment.

When you’re ready to begin the process of mending the relationship, you’ll want to bring a couples therapist into the conversation. Especially if they specialize in affair recovery, a counselor will be able to help guide you down the path toward reconciliation and healing. The best part? “When both partners are committed to real healing, most couples survive and many marriages become stronger with deeper levels of intimacy,” according to Mayo Clinic.

Even for couples who have decided to split after the discovery of infidelity, working with a specialized clinician can help people overcome the damaging, long-term emotional and mental distress that follows.

 

What Are the Stages of Healing After an Affair?

The five main infidelity recovery stages, which run parallel to the general stages of grief, are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

  • Denial: In this stage, both partners struggle to make sense of what’s occurred. For the cheater, this might mean being surprised by their own error and the hurt they’ve caused. For the partner who’s been cheated on, this stage involves processing the initial feelings of betrayal after an affair. A counselor will help you to better understand the reasons the affair occurred, a crucial first step in the healing process. 
  • Anger: Understandably, the partner who’s been cheated on is going to be in a great deal of pain, with feelings of anger, embarrassment, and a drop in self-worth. The cheater likely feels some guilt and shame, too. Anger, often considered a secondary emotion, is likely to have its roots in deeper feelings like hurt and confusion. Working with a counselor helps to ensure that discussions remain civil and that each partner can work through their thoughts and feelings in a safe, judgment-free environment. 
  • Bargaining: During this stage, partners are likely to question various circumstances and possible causes behind the affair. Left to their own devices, many people internalize the blame, thinking things like “If only I had (or hadn’t) done [X], maybe this wouldn’t have happened.” It can result in a series of negative thoughts that ruminate in your mind if you’re not careful. When you work with an affair recovery counselor, they’ll help to make sure each partner feels heard and understood—and that neither partner falls into any sort of unproductive blame spirals.
  • Depression: As betrayal’s full impact comes into focus, depression tends to follow. What does it feel like? It feels like hurt, sadness, and doubt. You can begin to doubt yourself and others.  It can even feel hopeless and like the past was a lie. An affair recovery counselor understands how to navigate these proverbial seas of pain and can help couples to keep lines of communication (and healing) open. This way, neither partner is left to dwell too long in this stage.
  • Acceptance: While no quality counselor will tell you to just “accept” what happened or to “get over it,” their job is to help determine what healing looks like for your unique situation. This stage is more about reflection and potential forgiveness than it is about finality or closure. Part of acceptance can also be accepting what was broken in the relationship before the affair, and creating a tailored plan with your therapist to make sure the next stage of your relationship journey is stronger and more vibrant.

For a deeper dive into each of these stages and how to work through them, this Gottman Institute article is a great resource.

What Kind of Trauma Does Cheating Cause?

The intense feelings of betrayal that follow infidelity define a particular type of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) known as post traumatic infidelity syndrome. Symptoms of this disorder can include:

  • Rumination and recurring thoughts
  • Traumatic recall (flashbacks)
  • Emotional numbness
  • Avoidance, isolation, and withdrawal
  • Anxiety and depression
  • Insomnia
  • Erosion of trust

It’s important to note that the list above is not necessarily complete, but goes to illustrate the wide range of effects infidelity can bring about. Working with a qualified marriage counselor is the best way to explore and begin unpacking the effects of trauma. A counselor will also help you build a better, more sustainable future through the development of better communication, trust, and intimacy. Gaining insight and creating a plan with a specialist will help keep you and your relationships with others from being defined by a traumatic affair.

How Long Does It Take To Recover From Infidelity Trauma?

While every couple and every marriage is different, experts generally agree that it takes “months, even years, to successfully rebuild trust” after infidelity. Trauma is a tricky, tricky thing, and everyone experiences it differently. Some people are predisposed to feeling deeply hurt in certain situations, while others might have more resilience or an ability to “move on” more quickly. 

Working with a marriage counselor who specializes in affair recovery helps with this process by:

  • Understanding and validating each partner’s feelings, needs, and priorities
  • Finding common ground between partners
  • Setting clear expectations for the recovery process
  • Helping to determine root causes and appropriate solutions
  • Creating a safe environment for vulnerability and sharing
  • Identifying what boundaries should be set after infidelity to rebuild trust

Affair Recovery Starts With a Single Call—to Well Marriage Center

At Well Marriage Center, our affair recovery counselors are ready and waiting to help couples start the healing and reconciliation process and work toward rediscovering their love. 

We take a strengths-based approach to affair recovery, one that’s designed to rebuild trust and help couples reconnect, get back on track, and develop strategies to help ensure that you can stay on track. It doesn’t have—and shouldn’t—feel hopeless! 

Even for couples who do not choose to stay and work on their relationship after an affair, a specialized counselor can help one or both partners unpack, heal, and plan for their futures, so the baggage of affair trauma doesn’t snowball into longer-term issues.

Every journey begins with a single step, so get in touch with our team today.



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What Are Triggers After Infidelity?

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When the horribly unexpected occurs in a relationship, such as an affair, both people often feel isolated, ashamed, humiliated, angry, and hurt. These emotions may last months or even years down the road as triggers rekindle them, especially when not worked through in a healthy way. It is completely normal to experience these triggers! However, it is also possible to work through them as you take steps towards affair recovery.

Triggers After Being Cheated On

Triggers after cheating in a relationship are unfortunately common. They remind you of how your relationship used to be, what happened, and the whirlwind of negative emotions you felt surrounding the affair itself. Infidelity may even cause you to  relive the affair, over and over, if bad enough. If not handled properly, some of these triggers can color your reactions in future relationships, as well. Some common triggers that affect people who have experienced an affair include:

  • Places: Your home can trigger thoughts and memories of the affair the most. It’s where you and your partner made a life together and was supposed to be your safe space. Photos around the house may cause you to question whether the relationship you and your partner had before even mattered or was real.

Other places that might trigger you include places where you and your significant other went on dates, where the affair happened, or where you were when you found out about the affair.

  • People: Anyone who knew about the affair before you can act as a trigger. These may be the other person/people involved with the cheating, family, friends, or coworkers.
  • Dates: On specific days, you might think about the affair more than other days. Such dates might be anniversaries, your partner’s birthday, or the date you found out about the affair.
  • Music/Movies: If your relationship had any music or movies associated with it, such as a wedding song or a movie you and your partner saw together, hearing or seeing them can send you on a rollercoaster of emotions. The same is true for anything that might have been playing when you found out about the affair.
  • Distance: Any physical or emotional distance between you and your significant other after you find out about the affair may make you question whether your partner is still in the affair or whether they may start another one.
  • Suspicious Behavior: If your partner hides their phone, doesn’t use a name when talking about someone, or takes their phone calls in a different room, you might start wondering whether your partner is still unfaithful. 

How Long Do Infidelity Triggers Last?

How long infidelity triggers last will vary from person to person. For some, it may only take months. For others, it may take 2 or even 10 years after the infidelity to recover. How long the affair occurred, how long you and your partner have been together, and who else was involved in the affair can all affect how long you experience those triggers.

Another factor is how the trauma of infidelity is handled after discovery. Having neutral ground for each partner to express their perspective and emotions, getting to a place of understanding, managing negative reactions in a way that promotes healthy recovery–these practices and more can help you move forward. Working with a specialized relationship counselor can help you navigate these painful waters in the most effective way, tailored to your unique experience.

Infidelity really hurts, and it probably will for a while. However, when you properly work through your emotions, you can overcome those triggers.

How to Get Past Infidelity Triggers

The first step you should take when attempting to move past your infidelity triggers is to let yourself experience those emotions coursing through you. Bottling them up will render it much more difficult to unpack them down the road and can even cause you to develop unhealthy coping mechanisms when dealing with infidelity years later. If you have a hard time processing your emotions and understanding exactly why you feel them, writing them down or talking to a trusted family member, friend, or counselor can help.

Once you let yourself feel those emotions, do something that might cheer you up. Meditation practices, positive self-talk, and physical activity can release endorphins, which are hormones that help your brain reduce stress and anxiety.

Working through long-term infidelity effects with your partner, while especially difficult in the beginning, can help you overcome your triggers and be a rewarding experience. Your relationship or marriage is never the same after infidelity, but that’s not always a bad thing. When you and your partner are both willing to rebuild your relationship, you may discover that you’re starting on stabler ground than you did before. From there, you can build something bigger and more beautiful than you had and leave those triggers in the past. Hiring a couples therapist or marriage counselor can help with that process in the most efficient way.

Rebuild Your Relationship With Well Marriage Center

Recovering from infidelity trauma is difficult. Even when you and your partner both want to start fresh, you may find days that even being in the same room as your partner prompts waves of emotions. The marriage counselors and couples therapists at Well Marriage Center understand that affair recovery takes time but that working through it with your partner is well worth the effort.

Our services are pro-relationship, meaning we don’t recommend separation unless that’s the only way both people can move forward. We also work with individuals who have decided to separate and want help navigating the healing process. Whether you are concerned about repairing your relationship or working through your emotions and triggers with your partner by your side, or are wanting to heal as an individual, we are here to help. Schedule an appointment to take your first step toward recovery.

 

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How Do You Mentally Recover From an Affair?

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Can you ever fully recover from an affair? Does the pain of infidelity ever go away? These questions and more are likely racing through your mind as you and your partner attempt to move past infidelity and start anew. These questions also come up for those wanting to heal as a single individual, and healing in both cases is absolutely possible. 

After experiencing such an intense betrayal, it’s natural to feel a wide range of emotions. Feelings of anger, fear, humiliation, sadness, and despair can often seem permanent. But no feeling is final, and it is possible to fully recover from the trauma of infidelity and go on to have a happy relationship in the future. If you’re wanting to save your marriage or relationship after an affair, it’s possible So as long as you and your partner put your minds and hearts to the task., your bond can be healed and made stronger than ever before. Alternatively, your relationship with yourself can also come out on the other side healthier and more vibrant. 

However, you both will likely need some help along the way. Whether you decide to stay and create a healthier, stronger relationship together or decide to part ways, there is hope for dealing with the fallout, including damaged self-esteem, trauma, PTSD, obsessive overthinking, shame, and more.

That’s where we come in!. To start you and your partner off on the right path, Well Marriage Center put together this quick guide to offer a bird’s eye view of the affair recovery process and explain what to expect as you begin to rebuild your relationship. 

What Are the Stages of Healing After an Affair?

The road to recovery after infidelity is paved with many challenges, and no two situations are the same. However, there are three common stages that all couples must navigate: 

  • Discovery: In affair recovery, the first step is to allow the person who was cheated on to express their perspective and emotions. Confusion, embarrassment, anger, hurt—people obviously feel many emotions when they discover their partner has cheated on them, but a trained counselor will help them navigate and express those feelings in a healthy manner. Additionally, a counselor will help the person who cheated process their partner’s feelings without resentment and learn how to move on from the mistakes they made. 
  • Processing: After the first phase is complete, it’s time for the couple to evaluate what led up to the affair. Ideally, this is where both people take responsibility for the underlying issues in their relationship. Of course, nothing excuses such a significant breach of trust as infidelity, but in order to move past infidelity, both partners must communicate honestly about what happened to their relationship. This will help the couple evaluate the reasons that led to one person stepping out and improve their communication moving forward. This is a very delicate process and takes a lot of time and effort to work through.
  • Reconciliation: Here is where you begin to build trust again. After the main pain points and issues surrounding your relationship have been identified, you and your partner can work together to reconcile and move forward with your relationship. This takes time and patience. If you and your partner are truly willing to give things another chance, it’s entirely possible that you will achieve and maintain a deeply intimate and strong relationship, even after such a traumatic event

How Long Does Infidelity Trauma Last?

Infidelity recovery is not a linear process, and the effects of betrayal on the brain can produce life-altering changes. Oftentimes, couples take two steps forward and one step back. Although it is completely natural to feel impatient, you must give yourselves time to heal. 

Understanding how you both got into this situation and taking steps to reconcile intense emotions takes time and determination. However, neither of you should dwell on resentment and allow yourselves to become stuck. 

Working with a counselor can help you both stay on track and make consistent progress while ensuring the healing process of both parties is respected. At Well Marriage Center, our counselors will work with you on your own terms and on your own time. We believe that you and your partner should resist the urge to put a strict timeline on things. Ultimately, how you heal is far more important than how quick the process is. 

Your Healing Journey Starts Here

 

Working with a skilled therapist who specializes in relationships – and all they entail, including trust, trauma, communication, intimacy, and forgiveness – has multiple benefits for couples and individuals after an affair. The trying times can be processed with a guide in a compassionate way that promotes healing. Having an objective expert voice to gently help unravel the pain and disappointments can make a huge difference in how you process and move forward, even if ultimately you decide to separate post discovery. Many couples, however, do find success after infidelity; we’ve seen it happen.

Willingness to seek help and admit wrongdoing are some of the main signs your marriage will survive infidelity. At Well Marriage Center, our team of professionally licensed counselors have years of training and experience in helping all types of couples navigate infidelity. Our expert team is committed to being “relationship friendly.” This means our goal is to help you and your partner build trust in one another and rekindle the loving relationship you once had without advocating for separation or divorce. If you and your partner are willing to put in the work, Well Marriage can help you pick up the pieces and trust each other again. Schedule your appointment today or read more on our blog.

 

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What Techniques Do Marriage Counselors Use?

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Marriage counseling provides space and opportunity for couples of all types to build upon their partnership, wherever they are in their relationship journey. However, if you’re new to the idea of couples therapy (or therapy at all), you may have questions about it—and whether it’s worth trying. You might be wondering what to expect in a session, what sorts of couples therapy techniques are being used, or if couples therapy even works at all. Well, look no further: we’re here to help. Let’s talk a bit about marriage counseling, some things you can expect in a session, and how we believe it can help any relationship—including yours!

Can Therapy Help with Relationship Problems?

The short answer is yes—it absolutely can! In fact, as of 2022, couples therapy has never been more helpful in restoring, rebuilding, or even just improving relationships. A recent study by the Journal of Marital & Family Therapy found that 70% of couples saw therapy as helpful, or even integral, in renewing their partnership. For some types of therapy, that rate is even higher! This, combined with other factors, has contributed to a steady decline in divorce rates in the United States since the early 1980’s.

Part of this success for marriage counseling is due to the fact that we now have various proven methods of counseling couples, all of which are meant to fit various relationship stages, areas of concern, or focuses for improvement. To answer more of your couples therapy questions, let’s dive into five of those techniques, and what benefits each of them can provide to your marriage.

Five Types of Couples Therapy

Here, we will cover five different techniques that are proven to have positive results: Behavioral Marital Therapy, the Developmental Model, the Gottman Method, Emotionally Focused Therapy, and Imago Therapy. Ultimately, every relationship is different and requires a unique approach, but these five can provide a good starting point for establishing therapy goals or even prescribing couples therapy exercises:

  1. Behavioral Marital Therapy—a myriad of techniques based around encouraging good communication and positively reinforcing good behavior. This technique theorizes that the behaviors most enforced in a relationship—positive or negative—are the ones that will most likely be repeated.
  2. The Developmental Model of Couples Therapy—also known as the Bader-Pearson model, this technique theorizes  that relationships, like people, have different developmental stages of intimacy, and that each partner arrives at each development stage on an individual level. This suggests that many of the challenges couples face are from being in different developmental stages, and the best solutions depend on the unique combination of development stages between partners.
  3. The Gottman Method—developed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, this method targets four key behaviors that cause harm to relationships (which we’ll discuss later), then gives couples techniques to notice, avoid, and even replace these behaviors. They do this using nine key principles to foster healthy relationships, including Trust, Commitment, Building Love Maps, and more.
  4. Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)—this model “prioritizes emotion and emotional regulation” as the central factor in relationship building. Emotionally focused couples therapy aims to strengthen emotional bonds in couples first, which in turn should translate to improving other aspects of the marriage or relationship.
  5. Imago Therapy—a theory that elevates working with the inner child, therapists who employ Imago will aim to help couples “understand each other’s feelings and ‘childhood wounds’ more empathically, allowing them to heal themselves and their relationships.”

Let’s dive a bit deeper into one of these techniques, also one of the most popular: the Gottman Method.

What Is Gottman Method Couples Therapy?

Gottman couples therapy techniques are backed by decades of research, reports, and discussions around what makes marriages work. Through their research, they’ve been able to pinpoint four communication behaviors that predict divorce, which they have dubbed the Four Horsemen:

    • Criticism: inherently negative observations and personal attacks from one partner to the other
    • Defensiveness: response to any criticism—even constructive—with hostility or denial of responsibility
    • Contempt: a loss of respect for the other partner; this is the highest predictor of divorce
    • Stonewalling: communication shuts down, and what rare communication remains is oftentimes hostile

While each of these might be present at some point in a marriage, their presence does not mean a marriage can’t be saved. Rather, they serve as a sign that there is opportunity to add more positive communication techniques into a marriage, something that marriage counseling can certainly help with. Gottman proposes nine such behaviors—known at the Sound Relationship House—that can be used to root out the Four Horsemen from a marriage, all by building a solid “house” of layered principles. They are as follows, in this specific order:

  1. Build Love Maps—cataloging “essential guide to your partner’s inner world,” including likes, dislikes, and other key facts about them
  2. Share Fondness and Admiration—the practice of telling your partner the things you like about them
  3. Turn Towards—actively responding to your partner when they “bid” for your attention, help, or support.
  4. Positive Perspective—not rushing to criticism, and assuming the best case scenario when your partner does something that rubs you the wrong way (i.e. “perhaps they didn’t realize this affected me this way”)
  5. Conflict Management—not avoiding conflict, but having a method to resolve it healthily
  6. Make Life Dreams Come True—supporting each other’s goals, and even helping achieve them
  7. Create Shared Meaning—like Love Maps, building a guide to an inner world, but for your relationship
  8. Trust—one of the “weight bearing walls,” focused on establishing mutual trust
  9. Commitment—the other “weight bearing wall,” developing faith in the relationship and your partner

Each of these nine tenets comes with their own exercises, techniques, and suggestions for improvement in the marriage. Keep in mind, this is just a brief overview of the Gottman method, and the specific approach will vary depending on what your therapist determines is a key focus. Also note that the Gottman method is just one of many techniques available to help with your marriage; an experienced therapist, like our team at Well Marriage Center, can determine what techniques may be right for your relationship. 

Want to Learn More About Marriage Counseling?

If you’re interested in learning more about what kind of therapy will best suit your partnership, we at Well Marriage Center are here for you. Our therapists implement the best, most proven techniques—like the five described above—to create a unique strategy for every marriage. We have worked with over 15,000 couples (both in person and virtually) to help partners rediscover all of the beauty their relationships hold, and if you work with us, we can help you do the same.

Ready to fall in love with your partner all over again? Please schedule an appointment with our intake coordinator Melinda to take the next step on your relationship journey. We look forward to hearing from you.