Our Angry Marriage

Posted by: Jennifer Parrella, LPC
Marriage Counselor in Wilmington, NC

“We are angry all the time. It wasn’t always like this.”

Carl and Jessica live right here in Wilmington and have been married for 13 years. They came to see me for marriage counseling because of physical intimacy problems and what Jessica called “emotional distance.” In the first session the biting anger between them was palpable. As their session wound down I named the emotion that was under the anger…..  I said: “You miss each other, don’t you?”  “You each need the person on the other side of the couch, but it’s no longer safe to reach for them.” Their eyes grew wide and they nodded. Both partners had tears in their eyes. Jessica said, “I’m really lonely.”

It’s common for anger to simmer below the surface of our marriage. I often hear something like, “one little thing happens and we blow up!” Anger is a warning sign. It often means we’re feeling unheard or vulnerable but we don’t feel safe to express it. Anger means we’re leaning away in order to protect our hearts. Unfortunately most couples get stuck here and their default setting becomes anger and the gap between their hearts expands. Whether you are married or dating, the path of anger leads to decreased physically intimacy, loneliness, decreased communication, harsh conflicts, withdrawal, and resentment.  Anger slowly kills your marriage.

A skilled marriage counselor can get in there with you and help you both understand what’s happening underneath the anger.  Anger protects you from hurt, but it pushes your partner away. In couples therapy you learn to make it emotionally safe to show the feelings beneath the anger (hurt, fear, anxiety, shame, etc.,) and begin creating a space where your hearts can reach toward each other for understanding, love, and support. That’s where the magic happens.

After a few months Carl and Jessica were able to get away from defaulting to anger and began expressing their underlying feelings with one another.  Carl was able to talk to Jessica for the first time about his job security fears and Jessica was able to express her shame about not enjoying being a stay-at-home mother as much as she had hoped. This shift allowed them to hear each other at a deeper and  more loving level. They both told me they felt a closeness with each other they had never felt before. It felt like they were new friends and lovers.

If the default setting in your marriage is stuck on anger please reach out for help. It’s not easy, but I’ve seen couples who have been closed-off to each other for years become open, vulnerable, connected, silly, and in love again. I believe your story can have the happy ending Carl and Jessica experienced.

Culturally Diverse Marriage

Jorge and Kim* came to see me a short while ago here in our Herndon office for marriage counseling.  Jorge was from Colombia and Kim was also from Columbia:  the one in South Carolina.  Although they joked about being “from the same place”, it became clear that their backgrounds needed to come to the foreground.  Kim, an Anglo-American, was embarrassed about her family’s open racism.  She tried to balance it by pretending not to notice ways that Jorge was different.  Jorge, whose cultural upbringing demanded family loyalty above all, tried to ingratiate himself to her family, but secretly worried that Kim was herself racist.  He began to see her strong personality as an indication that she felt superior to him.  Kim began to fear Jorge’s silence as sullen withdrawal from the marriage.  So they fought about superiority and withdrawal.  Neither knew how to get beyond their anger.

One of the great benefits of doing marriage counseling here in Northern VA (NOVA) is all the wonderful and diverse couples I have the opportunity to work with.  I have over 30 years of experience as a marriage counselor and yet I still find I am incredibly grateful for ongoing courses and trainings on Cultural Sensitivity.  I’ve learned to be curious about what people believe about themselves and their world, as well as how they present who they are as unique representatives of their backgrounds.  It is my goal to look beyond my preconceived notions so I can encounter you and your partner in whatever crisis you are trying to manage within your marriage.

In working with couples I have also come to the realization that mistrust, prejudice and war don’t just happen between cultures.  Two people who love and support each other can also end up warring with one another because of differences.  Research shows what we already know is true:  We humans tend to trust those who are most like us, and distrust all others.  Because no two people are truly, exactly alike, we have to develop ways to balance what we trust about others with what we distrust and what we do not yet know.  In working with couples I try to help you maximize what you know about each other and to do it in a way that you are curious and welcoming of the differences you find.  Because research also shows that humans have a competing tendency to be fair, and even kind, to others.  Your diverse marriage can promote a tendency to be fair to each other, to be kind to each other, and to find and cultivate an extraordinary love for each other, which is what Jorge and Kim were able to do.

Jorge and Kim first had to learn how to disclose their fears without making accusations.  This is where an experienced marriage counselor can be a very helpful guide.  They then were able to admit their hidden worries about the other.  This is the deeper…and important work.  Kim took the risk of looking at some lingering preconceptions about Colombians and was fascinated to find out that Jorge’s family had prejudices as well, based on Colombia’s old “Casta” system of dividing people based on racial mixture.  Her eagerness to learn and appreciate this aspect of his background helped Jorge see that Kim did not look down on his culture.  Jorge’s willingness to share his own embarrassment over his family’s prejudices helped Kim see that he did not want to withdraw from her and actually gave them a commonality in family background that neither had seen previously.  As this process unfolded they began to truly trust each other for the first time.

Written by Thomas Overton, LPC:

*Jorge and Kim are made up names to protect identities

 

Surviving an Affair

The most common question we get at Well Marriage Center is some form of: “Can my marriage really survive an affair?”  The answer is Yes.  More and more, we see couples making the choice to try and save their marriages instead of hitting the auto-pilot for divorce.  All of our counselors are very skilled at helping couples navigate the emotional roller coaster ride that an affair throws them onto.  We asked one of our marriage counselors, Dr. Shani Glaude, to write her thoughts about how she helps couples work through an affair.

“Getting off the Roller Coaster”

In our first session with couples we ask them to describe their strengths, admirations of the relationship, and memories that stand out as good.  I love this part of our assessment as it gives me an idea of how the couple perceives their relationship.  Brian and Joan came to me after Joan discovered Brian was in the midst of a year-long affair.  The impact was devastating…for both Joan and Brian.  Joan had an intense reaction during the assessment portion of their strengths.  She was confused, sad, and angry.  A common impact of discovering an affair is that memories of the relationship become contaminated by this new information.  Joan had begun to question their history in a way that hindered her from seeing any strengths or good in their relationship.  She said “How can we have any strengths if an affair was going on?  I don’t admire anything about this marriage!”

Joan is not alone.  The aftermath of an affair is very painful and confusing.  Most couples will describe this experience as an “emotional rollercoaster”, where the victim has intense emotional ups and downs, a preoccupation with the violation, blaming, self-doubt, fear, and loss of rationality.  Problems that existed in the relationship prior to the discovery may become more intensified.  You may start to look at your life from a very different set of eyes, eyes that are more suspicious and less likely to trust without evidence.  No one likes to feel out of control or as if they can’t trust their own mind and instincts.  I empathize with the level of discomfort that comes with mistrust and encourage couples to process that emotion rather than creating methods that foster false trust (checking emails, texts, phone records, etc.).  A false trust method is anything that finishes the message “I trust you if…”  At that point trust is only intact if there is a way to measure it.  Joan felt these attempts gave her more safety in the marriage but instead it created an element of control in the marriage that Brian eventually resented.

Most couples may entertain the idea of separation at this stage in order to cope with the roller coaster.  However, it is important to avoid turning a disruption into a tragedy by making permanent decisions about your marriage during the roller coaster stage.  When emotions are this high it is difficult to make a decision you’ll find peace with for the rest of your life.

When I see a couple experiencing this type of disruption I take great care in validating the victim and educating the offender about the roller coaster phase.  Rather than diving into the easier but more destructive ways of establishing trust, I teach couples how to adopt appropriate levels of transparency.  What a couple really wants at this stage is to feel understood.  The victim in particular is looking for accountability and validation.  Convincing the victim they are loved can often make things worse because words have lost their power.  In Joan and Brian’s case, when Joan was feeling triggered or having a rough day with the preoccupation of her thoughts, Brian attempted to sooth her by trying to convince her not worry because he loved her so much.  Joan became angry and felt that he did not understand her pain.

Through supportive marriage counseling, Joan learned to verbalize what she was feeling and why she was feeling it.  She learned to communicate to Brian what she needed.  It is the victim’s goal to help the offender understand their pain.  Joan and Brian were instructed to make this a regular practice in order for Joan to heal.  Several times a week they carved out time for Joan to verbalize what she felt, while Brian listened, validated, took responsibility, and apologized.  Joan’s emotional reactivity was less intense when she felt Brian was authentic in his understanding of her pain.  She believed that if he really understood her pain, he would be less likely to violate trust again.  And she’s right.

Joan and Brian worked extremely hard over the course of about 9 months and learned to listen, support, and communicate with each other in a rich and authentic way.  They have both been able to step off the emotional roller coaster and have both, separately, decided that they want to stay together and strengthen their marriage.

If you and your spouse are recovering from an affair there is reason for hope.  Rebuilding trust is a process but it’s possible with tenderness of the heart and forgiveness.  Yes, your marriage can survive an affair.

(Read more about our approach with Affairs here)

 

Marriage Counseling Herndon VA

Well Marriage Center is excited to announce the opening of a new office location in Herndon, VA offering marriage counseling and coaching services for couples.  Providing top quality marriage counseling to the Northern Virginia community is always a challenge because of traffic, distance, and availability.  We want to make sure you have convenient access to the very best marriage counselors and yet we also understand it’s difficult to drive 30 minutes to see someone (then get caught in traffic and have it take 54 minutes).

We’ve gotten a large number of requests from couples requesting marriage counseling in Ashburn and marriage counseling in Reston and even marriage counseling in Sterling or Herndon.  We hope this Herndon location is central enough to be convenient to all those towns and communities.  As we continue to grow we’ll continue to try and provide more locations and less time driving in traffic.

We’re also excited to announce that Thomas Overton, LPC has joined Well Marriage Center.  Thomas was one of the first counselors (along with his wife) to specialize in marriage counseling and together they built a joint practice for couples in the late 80’s.  He brings almost 30 years of experience helping couples save and strengthen their marriages. He’ll be our lead counselor in Herndon and will also see couples in Fairfax for marriage counseling.

If you would like to schedule an appointment or ask us a question, please see the links below.

 

Thank You

Time and again we are inspired by the couples we work with.  The email Dr. Steve Brown received recently represents the best of what our mission and hope is for our Northern Virginia communities.  Good marriage counseling is more than just helping couples deal with an immediate problem.  It’s also about helping couples create relationships that take them into the future like the one highlighted in this email.  We hope and trust that it will encourage and inspire you too…

Dear Dr. Steve,

It’s been 2 weeks since you told us we didn’t need you anymore.  I wanted to fill you in on what has happened and to thank you once again for all of your help.

Two days after our last session, Jim and I went in for our 10 week ultrasound.  We quickly found out that the baby no longer had a heartbeat and had stopped developing at about 8 and a half weeks.  A year ago, news like this would have destroyed us.  I’m pretty sure there would have been a lot of fighting and blaming.

The first thing Jim did after hearing the news was to reach out for me.  There was no anger, only shared grief.  We went home and talked about how we felt and what we needed from each other.

I had to have surgery to remove the pregnancy and to collect tissue to send to a lab for analysis.  Jim has done nothing but love and care for me through the whole process.

Jim has been amazing.  Not once did he close himself off from me.  He was open and honest and emotional in a positive way.

I need to thank you.  Six months ago, I had a husband that didn’t want to be near me.  With your help, you taught us how to communicate and support each other through even the most devastating situations.  I’m eternally grateful to you.

We’ve had some time to grieve and are now looking forward to the next step in trying to conceive.  Until we do have a baby, we are happy to have each other and Rebecca.

Thank you!

Monica

 

Coming in Second

Written by Mary Baker, LPC

One of my recent couples, I will call them Jim and Diana, came to me with a very familiar struggle.  Diana had a difficult time accepting that Jim would work late.  When he did come home, he quickly turned on the computer or the TV.  Even though she would often suggest they have a date night or watch a show together, Jim would find reasons to isolate himself.  Diana’s resentment would build until she became irritable.  She noted how much she did for Jim (and the kids) and how underappreciated she felt.  Jim was frustrated.  In his mind he was doing all he could to provide for the family and simply wanted to relax when he was home.

No one likes to “come in second” to a spouse’s career, the kids, or extracurricular activities.  In the busy and competitive environment of Northern Virginia, marriage counselors see this struggle play out time and again with overworked and overstressed couples.  One person feels overlooked and begins to feels neglected.  The other becomes frustrated and resentful and begins to withdraw.  What can couples do when this dynamic takes root and threatens to harm their marriage?

When I work with a dynamic like this I’m often paying attention to your priorities and how you balance two key elements: the needs of your marriage and your own needs.  (If children are present, then your children’s welfare becomes the 3rd key element that needs balancing).  Let’s look at how this played out with Jim and Diana.

As Jim and Diana opened up about what they were experiencing I began to take note of how much energy and focus Diana was investing in taking care of her husband.  For Diana it was a gradual process and I’m not sure she even realized it was happening.  We take less and less care of ourselves as we take more and more care of someone else.   This left her feeling vulnerable and less confident.  She looked to Jim to validate her.  The less vocal and assertive he became, the more anxious Diana was about how he felt about the marriage and about her.  Diana didn’t have regular contact with healthy friends, outlets for herself where she could learn, play and/or connect.  This lack of healthy feedback, encouragement and connection left Diana feeling depleted and disempowered, especially as Jim began to pull away.  I used the analogy of how important good nutrition is for healthy bodies.  Healthy environments and friendships outside the marriage help nurture and feed us.

Jim began to work through his attempts to self-protect by emotionally turning away from Diana’s bids for affection.  He realized he felt overwhelmed by the pressure to meet all of her needs and eventually shut down and became resentful himself.  He wasn’t taking care of himself either.  When we withdraw and isolate, either through tv or the internet or some other vice, we’re not taking care of our marriage or ourselves.

Marriage counseling helped Diana see how out of balance she had become.  Jim started to share more of his feelings, frustrations and needs.  Ironically, Diana began to feel more connected to him as he shared these frustrations.  They started to find each other again.  They began to implement practical solutions that balanced the needs of both their marriage and themselves.

So if you are beginning to feel like you are coming in second or you are beginning to feel some resentment building inside you, it might be wise to look at how balanced the needs of your marriage and your own needs currently are.  Since we can take responsibility for our self-care more easily, that is often a good place to start.  By owning our needs and taking the initiative to make sure they are met, we feel more confident and grounded.  We are no longer focused outside of ourselves and thus feel less vulnerable, because whenever we wait, wish, nag or cajole, we are handing others our power.  Rather, we are more focused within, owning our needs, setting boundaries and then letting our partner freely choose to honor our needs, as well as their own.  This is the healthiest way to cultivate freedom in the marriage which in turn allows love to grow and prosper.

Communication Problems

Posted by Michael Fronce, LMFT

Jeff and Cindy came to their first marriage counseling session anxious to repair their 15 year relationship. The session started like most, me getting to know them and learning a bit more about their story. As we explored their marital strengths it was clear they deeply loved each other, but that love was now being questioned by each of them. They explained they had not been able to communicate about anything except logistics. Cindy swore Jeff did not have the ability to communicate at all. She complained about his avoidance of important issues. While she was voicing her frustration, he rolled his eyes and sighed. He said she was blowing things out of proportion and that he knows how to communicate. He was sick of how often she interrupted and didn’t listen. Jeff said he felt like he was never going to please his wife so he admitted to withdrawing from conversations. They both wanted me to get the other to communicate better.

Jeff and Cindy had made a good decision to reach out for help. These things fester. Communication problems are one of the most common concerns that bring couples to Well Marriage Center for marriage counseling. When we’re able to catch these communication blocks early, we’re often able to help the couple avoid the more toxic and deeper level problems that come years down the road if left unchecked. The good news is our counselors have the experience and training to be helpful. While there are often underlying issues that play a part in some communication breakdowns (which would be an entirely different blog post), I often find myself starting by helping couples practice the skills of effective communication. It’s helpful to see where they are and what they already know. This is what I did with Jeff and Cindy.

Now the movies and TV comedies give practicing communication skills a bad rap. I get it, no one wants to simply be told to say a lot of “I statements” and repeat back what the other person is saying. You’re right, that doesn’t fix communication problems. However, I’m often surprised by how a simple intervention or solution can indeed become the impetus for change.

I was looking for just that type of impetus for change when I gave Jeff and Cindy a task early in our communication work. They shared about how one of their rituals is to go to a certain fast food establishment for dinner. So I invited them to dinner. Well, I should say that I invited them to pay attention in a different way next time they went for dinner. Their task was to observe how the person at the counter took their order. When they came back to the next session, they were excited to talk with me about what they saw.

The server greeted Jeff and Cindy warmly, asked how he could serve them and then listened to their order. He busily punched the order into the system and then did something a little strange. They noticed that the server repeated back their order to make sure that he had it correct. He then asked if there was anything else that they would like. He then proceeded to check their order again before moving on and telling them the cost. After the order was confirmed and the payment was made, the server thanked the couple. So simple, yet for them it made an impression. They appreciated the way that the server listened to them, took the time to get their order right, and did not move on until he was sure that he had heard it correctly and that it was what the couple wanted.

That’s what they each desired from the other. They missed being truly heard and respected. Here’s the important breakthrough part: they both began looking at what they, individually, had been doing to keep them from communicating effectively. They each began talking about ways they would like to focus on each other, listen to each other, and truly hear each other. That led them into Jeff’s withdrawing (Cindy felt abandoned and got anxious). Cindy would then over pursue Jeff to calm her anxiety (which then had Jeff withdrawing again). So we explored this cycle and ways to interrupt it. Effective communication helped! They began making such incredible positive progress about the deeper level issues that were affecting their relationship. The good news – Jeff and Cindy both began to find each other again, connect with each other again, and experience a closeness they hadn’t felt in years.

Happy Couples Blog Post

We wanted to pass along a popular blog post in case you haven’t read it.  Maybe it will get the creative juices flowing in your unique relationship.  In 2009 Dr. Mark Goulston authored one of the most-read couples related blog posts on the widely popular “Psychology Today” website.  He titled it, “10 Habits of Happy Couples.”  It’s gone viral and continues to pop up around the web even 5 years later…

Click here to read 10 Habits of Happy Couples

So many couples hunger for happiness together.  We want that for you!  While marriage counseling is often thought of as just “fixing a problem,” couples specialists understand that it’s more about helping couples discover strengths and cultivate sustained happiness together.

Some of these “10” may seem cliche while others may seem impractical.  That’s ok.  Not all of them are going to fit for you.  However, we invite you to share them with each other and commit together to cultivating a few of these habits.  Or better yet, think up one or two of your own and enjoy the happiness it brings you!

Long Winter of Marriage

The wind is blowing here at the Well Marriage Center office again and Mary Baker tells me the high tomorrow is not expected to even hit 30 degrees.  I caught myself referring to this season as “Old Man Winter,” the personification my own father used to use when winter stayed too long.  It has been too long.  We all feel it.

Couples feel it.

Marriages feel it.

“Winter” has become a theme and analogy for some of the demanding work many couples are investing in right now.  I thought I would share a quick story and analogy…

Tim and Cindy are a couple I’ve been guiding for a few months now.  They’re experiencing their own “marital winter” – years of hurts and disillusionment have brought them to this difficult season.  They said marriage counseling was their last hope.

They had a choice: stay together and do the difficult work or split apart.  We spent time processing that decision, a decision only they could make.  I was reminded of an analogy from Dr. William Doherty, a prominent name in the marriage counseling field.  He’s from Minnesota and he talks about long-term marriage using his Minnesota winters for context.  He points out that we all move into marriage in the springtime of hope, but eventually get to winter with its chill and darkness.  Many couples are tempted to move south at this point and give up.  The problem with giving up, he points out, is that your next marriage will eventually hit its own winter at some point.  So do we just give up, or do we make our stand with this person, in this season?

Cindy and Tim decided that they wanted to stand together, but they were both scared and unsure.  Like Dr. Doherty, I recognized my role as being a guide to help them “cling together as a couple, warming each other against the cold of their winter and seeking out whatever sunlight was still available while they wrestled with their pain and disillusionment.”  It’s a powerful privilege…the role we marriage counselors provide.

The good news is that winter does break and spring does come.  Often marriages can experience this same hope.  We experienced marriage counselors know how incredible and magnificent that spring can be for couples who have done the demanding work winter requires.

Tim and Cindy are on their way…and that’s my message of hope for couples during this, Old Man Winter’s, one last gasp.

Welcome Dr. Shani Glaudè

Once again we’re excited to announce that an outstanding couple’s counselor is joining Well Marriage Center to help provide the highest quality of marriage counseling in Northern Virginia.  What’s fun for us as a Center is inviting people to join us who bring a distinct uniqueness in the skillset they have for helping couples.  What’s unique about Dr. Shani Glaudè is that she has her doctorate in Clinical Psychology.  You don’t find many counselors with Psychology doctorates specializing in marriage counseling and working exclusively with couples.  The benefit for couples is receiving guidance from someone with a heightened understanding of individuals.  Clinical Psychology doctorates require an intense proficiency for understanding people…where people are strong, where and why they struggle, and how best to help them.  Any experienced marriage counselor will tell you that relational growth is almost always preceded by individual growth.  To have her working with couples is a powerful combination.

You can see why we’re thrilled and excited to welcome Dr. Glaudè, PsyD!  She’ll be providing marriage counseling from our Fairfax and McLean locations.

Click to read Dr. Shani Glaudè’s profile

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